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Not exactly snark...but disappointed that friend isn't coming to my wedding

One of my best friends from college now lives a plane ride away from me and has 2 young kids, but we still stay in touch via email etc. I invited her to my wedding, fully expecting that she may not be able to come because of the kids. So it's not the fact that she can't come--but the way she worded it. First she said she really hoped she could come and that she'd let me know. Then she said she decided to book a last minute vacation for her family, so she can't come to my wedding because she can't take more time off work. (I don't see why my wedding would require her to take any more than 1/2 a day off work, if that). Anyway...obviously I understand that family comes first, but I thought it was pretty rude to basically tell me she can't come because she'd rather go somewhere else. Had she just said "no," I would have been more understanding.

Re: Not exactly snark...but disappointed that friend isn't coming to my wedding

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    hellohkbhellohkb mod
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited February 2015
    If she has to take a plane ride to your wedding, she would need a lot more than a half day. I understand it's upsetting, but I'd try and let it go. Yes, it was a bit rude to straight up tell you the reason. However, she was probably assuming you would want to know why she couldn't come.

    One of my best friends from college now lives a plane ride away from me and has 2 young kids, but we still stay in touch via email etc. I invited her to my wedding, fully expecting that she may not be able to come because of the kids. So it's not the fact that she can't come--but the way she worded it. First she said she really hoped she could come and that she'd let me know. Then she said she decided to book a last minute vacation for her family, so she can't come to my wedding because she can't take more time off work. (I don't see why my wedding would require her to take any more than 1/2 a day off work, if that). Anyway...obviously I understand that family comes first, but I thought it was pretty rude to basically tell me she can't come because she'd rather go somewhere else. Had she just said "no," I would have been more understanding.



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    Thank you for trying to make me feel better :)

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    It's fine to be disappointed, but try not to find meaning in her words that isn't there. She probably didn't want to just decline without an explanation so she gave you one. Maybe she didn't word it very well. Maybe you interpreted something that wasn't really there. 

    If she's one of your best friends, try giving her the benefit of the doubt - outside your disappointment.
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    jacques27jacques27 member
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    edited February 2015
    1.  She probably does want to go to the wedding.  Perhaps she felt that by explaining that it was due to a family vacation you would understand and be of the mindframe that family togetherness trumps wedding.

    2.  From your post, it sounds like the kids weren't invited to the wedding?  Otherwise I'm not sure why she might not be able to come because of the kids.  Is there an S.O. in the picture and were they invited meaning she might have to get childcare?  I guess, assuming you're in the U.S. where we notoriously receive the fewest number of days of paid vacation in comparison to many other countries and airfare is expensive - you can't really blame someone for prioritizing their time off and money on their family unit as a whole rather than for a friend's event (especially if the event would not included the whole family).  Free time and money are scarce commodities and family should be top priority.  In theory, I have the same feelings even if the person were completely unattached (no S.O. or kids) because time off and money can be scarce.  However, keep in mind that it's not like your completely unattached best friend said they would rather go jetting off somewhere fun instead of attending your wedding.

    3.  Maybe it was a deal too good to pass up?  Maybe it's still cheaper than the airfare to your wedding?  Or they are going to visit family?  Or they just want to make sure they get as many vacations in before the kids are in school and they are really limited due to school and activity schedules.  There's all sorts of factors that play into this that maybe you're not privy to and have nothing to do with you personally.
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    huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited February 2015
    Your wedding will never be as important to someone else as it is to you.

    Is your wedding on a Saturday night? Did you invite her children? Maybe she would rather spend her precious vacation time with her kids, instead of coming to your wedding. 

    Also, there are more logistics involved when you have kids, and she may not be able to just hop on a plane and go to a wedding, no matter how much she may want to go. 
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    *hugs*. I hope you feel better, though


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    It's ok, we had a lot of people write on their RSVP cards why they were declining our wedding. It really didn't matter to me, but I guess some people feel obligated to give an excuse. Try not to take it personally.


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    If I'm close to the couple I will always give a reason why I'm missing it. It seems rude not to, like I'm just not going because I don't feel like it.
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    Sometimes I love that there isn't a space to write why I'm declining a wedding. I've declined at least one without a really great reason, but I don't feel like I have to make something up because I just check "regretfully decline". Of course if I were close I'd want to give a reason.

    I'm sorry your friend is missing your wedding OP. It sucks when people you really want can't attend. But I'll echo the PP's and say you should try to not feel bad about it. There may be many other factors you don't know about and it doesn't mean your friend would rather be elsewhere.
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    I understand taking off a half day. My fiance and I are going to a wedding in October in NYC (we live in Michigan), and my fiance cant take more than maybe a half day off because the wedding is dead center of the busiest 2 weeks of his work schedule. We're flying out Friday night and coming back Sunday. Sometimes you have to suck it up and make it to your best friends wedding. 

    Also, one of our groomsmen has to do the same for our wedding this summer. 
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    I understand taking off a half day. My fiance and I are going to a wedding in October in NYC (we live in Michigan), and my fiance cant take more than maybe a half day off because the wedding is dead center of the busiest 2 weeks of his work schedule. We're flying out Friday night and coming back Sunday. Sometimes you have to suck it up and make it to your best friends wedding. 


    Also, one of our groomsmen has to do the same for our wedding this summer. 
    But do you have children? This makes a big difference on whether you go to events or not, best friend or not. When we get invited to anything from birthday parties to weddings, we have to weigh whether we should go or not and whether both of us go or one of us. When you have kids, there is more than just, can I get the time off and do I have the money? It's that AND, if junior isn't invited, who will look after them? Where will they stay? What will we do? Is all this worth it?

    OP your friend probably took a lot of time thinking about this and wanted to give you an explanation. I would have done the same thing. Be disappointed. Then maybe after the wedding arrange for a time to meet with her and have some alone time.
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    edited May 2015
    Old thread

    I can't read a calendar. Or tell time.
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