Fiance wants mother to officiate... i dont

kylene718

Hi ladies!

So, the idea to have a family member was originally my idea, but I wanted his grandfather to do it because I think he has a wonderfully outgoing personality and a great speaker. My fiance is adopted and this is his biological grandfather i was referring to. He though his mother would be uncomfortable with that, which I was thinking too and completely understand. I started looking into officiants and started emailing with a lady I was really liking.  Fiance then suggested asking his mom to do it. I was hesitant to ask her just because I dont see the outgoing/ easy speaking personality that originally drew me to his grandfather, in his mom. He seems really into the idea so i decided to go along with it. I told the lady i had been emailing with that we were going to ask his mother to officiate. He asked, she seemed hesitant and wanted time to think about it. That right away made me think she didnt want to, but a few weeks later she told him that she would do it.  When I told the officiant i had been emailing with that we were going to have his mom do it, it brought some concerns. She said it is not as easy to become (legally) ordained in Las Vegas as it is every where else, she pointed out that mothers have a way of being emotional during weddings and if she were to officiate her daughters' weddings, she would be crying and unable to get anything out. She also said she can do the paper work for a fee that wasnt much different from the fee of doing the wedding. Which makes me think we might be getting in over our heads if most of it is paperwork, we probably wont know what we are doing. So, not only am i worried that she might have trouble getting ordained legally, or think she is but it not actually be legal. She might start crying while doing our ceremony, or we wont know what we are doing with the paperwork and mess something up and not be legally married. Now I'm also changing my mind because I'm worried it wont feel as "real" as having a hired officiant. Our ceremony is already being kept small (we are going to vegas and only taking a few friends and family with us) and we arent going to a normal venue (just the back yard of the mansion sized villa home we are renting). I have already tried talking with my fiance but he has an argument for every reason i dont want this. Not to mention if i am able to convince him that we should hire a professional, I have NO IDEA how to tell his mom.

So, finally, my question : does any one else have any idea on how i can approach this?

southernbelle0915

kylene718 said:

Hi ladies!

So, the idea to have a family member was originally my idea, but I wanted his grandfather to do it because I think he has a wonderfully outgoing personality and a great speaker. My fiance is adopted and this is his biological grandfather i was referring to. He though his mother would be uncomfortable with that, which I was thinking too and completely understand. I started looking into officiants and started emailing with a lady I was really liking.  Fiance then suggested asking his mom to do it. I was hesitant to ask her just because I dont see the outgoing/ easy speaking personality that originally drew me to his grandfather, in his mom. He seems really into the idea so i decided to go along with it. I told the lady i had been emailing with that we were going to ask his mother to officiate. He asked, she seemed hesitant and wanted time to think about it. That right away made me think she didnt want to, but a few weeks later she told him that she would do it.  When I told the officiant i had been emailing with that we were going to have his mom do it, it brought some concerns. She said it is not as easy to become (legally) ordained in Las Vegas as it is every where else, she pointed out that mothers have a way of being emotional during weddings and if she were to officiate her daughters' weddings, she would be crying and unable to get anything out. She also said she can do the paper work for a fee that wasnt much different from the fee of doing the wedding. Which makes me think we might be getting in over our heads if most of it is paperwork, we probably wont know what we are doing. So, not only am i worried that she might have trouble getting ordained legally, or think she is but it not actually be legal. She might start crying while doing our ceremony, or we wont know what we are doing with the paperwork and mess something up and not be legally married. Now I'm also changing my mind because I'm worried it wont feel as "real" as having a hired officiant. Our ceremony is already being kept small (we are going to vegas and only taking a few friends and family with us) and we arent going to a normal venue (just the back yard of the mansion sized villa home we are renting). I have already tried talking with my fiance but he has an argument for every reason i dont want this. Not to mention if i am able to convince him that we should hire a professional, I have NO IDEA how to tell his mom.

So, finally, my question : does any one else have any idea on how i can approach this?

The officiant who is telling you all this is trying to get you to hire her, so take what she says with a BIG grain of salt. I would say to her, "Thank you for your advice. My FMIL has already accepted, but if something changes, I will call you." 

You've already asked your FMIL and she has accepted. It would be pretty rude to tell her no at this point. However, she will need to get ordained so that she can legally marry you. You and your FI should offer to pay for this. 

You might talk to your FI about having another conversation with her about it, like: "Mom, we're happy that you accepted, but I know you've been hesitant about this and we know it requires a lot of work on your end. Please don't do this because you feel like you have to. We only want you to do this if YOU want to do it. It's very easy for us to hire someone and you can attend as MOG. Please think about it and let us know."

She might have said yes because she thinks it's what you really want and she just wants to please the bride and groom. A lot of people do that. 

[Deleted User]

I would start now looking into what it will take to get FMIL ordained and get that wheels rolling on that. The sooner the better, this way if it's too complicated or she isn't able to be ordained in time, you will have time to find someone else.

As PP mentioned, it might be good to sit down with her & tell her that would be happy to have her marry you but you want to make sure she is comfortable with the idea and that it won't be too emotional for her to do the service because it's not just anyone she would be marrying, but her baby boy. And if she says she'll be fine, then you'll just have go with it.

But for sure start looking immediately into what it will take to get her ordained so you have time to do the paperwork or find someone else in case it's too complicated.