Rude to only gift the groom?

Knottie5415360

My fiancé (J) and his birth father reconnected before his currently deployment. He is getting back soon (and we will be getting married- YAY!), but when I was finalizing all the plans with his birth father I couldn't help, but be a little offended when he brought up a wedding gift, entirely focused just on a gift for J. It's great if he wants to get him a gift, but personally that sounds more of a bachelor gift. I have to let a lot roll off my shoulder because it was clear when we first met him and after talking to him a lot about the wedding while J has been gone, he doesn't hide not fully recognizing me as his future wife very well. From my side of things, we have never shown up to a wedding only honoring one person, when the entire ceremony is a celebration of the two. We are having an intimate ceremony and never went into it looking for any gifts, but still thought this was a tad rude. Idk, just wondering if this has happened to anyone else and wondering how it went for you.

southernbelle0915

Knottie5415360 said:

My fiancé (J) and his birth father reconnected before his currently deployment. He is getting back soon (and we will be getting married- YAY!), but when I was finalizing all the plans with his birth father I couldn't help, but be a little offended when he brought up a wedding gift, entirely focused just on a gift for J. It's great if he wants to get him a gift, but personally that sounds more of a bachelor gift. I have to let a lot roll off my shoulder because it was clear when we first met him and after talking to him a lot about the wedding while J has been gone, he doesn't hide not fully recognizing me as his future wife very well. From my side of things, we have never shown up to a wedding only honoring one person, when the entire ceremony is a celebration of the two. We are having an intimate ceremony and never went into it looking for any gifts, but still thought this was a tad rude. Idk, just wondering if this has happened to anyone else and wondering how it went for you.

I mean, gifts aren't required in the first place, so bio dad doesn't need to give anything.

However, I understand feeling slighted if a wedding gift is actually for just one of the couple. Nothing you can do about it except be polite, forgive and forget.

photokitty

Knottie5415360 said:

My fiancé (J) and his birth father reconnected before his currently deployment. He is getting back soon (and we will be getting married- YAY!), but when I was finalizing all the plans with his birth father I couldn't help, but be a little offended when he brought up a wedding gift, entirely focused just on a gift for J. It's great if he wants to get him a gift, but personally that sounds more of a bachelor gift. I have to let a lot roll off my shoulder because it was clear when we first met him and after talking to him a lot about the wedding while J has been gone, he doesn't hide not fully recognizing me as his future wife very well. From my side of things, we have never shown up to a wedding only honoring one person, when the entire ceremony is a celebration of the two. We are having an intimate ceremony and never went into it looking for any gifts, but still thought this was a tad rude. Idk, just wondering if this has happened to anyone else and wondering how it went for you.

What was the gift? If One half of the couple loves to bake, and the other hates cooking ~ by your scenario buying kitchenaide mixer would be an insulting gift. Unless he bought him a bear skin rug, ice bucket and little black book ~ it's possible you are over thinking this and nitpicking on the alleged bachelor gift.

VulgarGirl

Did he get him a hooker?

Cause otherwise he just might not know you well or what you'd like or might not want to tell you your gift.

rcher912

Knottie5415360 said:

My fiancé (J) and his birth father reconnected before his currently deployment. He is getting back soon (and we will be getting married- YAY!), but when I was finalizing all the plans with his birth father I couldn't help, but be a little offended when he brought up a wedding gift, entirely focused just on a gift for J. It's great if he wants to get him a gift, but personally that sounds more of a bachelor gift. I have to let a lot roll off my shoulder because it was clear when we first met him and after talking to him a lot about the wedding while J has been gone, he doesn't hide not fully recognizing me as his future wife very well. From my side of things, we have never shown up to a wedding only honoring one person, when the entire ceremony is a celebration of the two. We are having an intimate ceremony and never went into it looking for any gifts, but still thought this was a tad rude. Idk, just wondering if this has happened to anyone else and wondering how it went for you.

This concerns me. It sounds like you might be hung up on other things having to do with his birth dad. Are there other things that might be making this slight seem more about you as a couple than him building his relationship with his son?

As for the gift....eh. He might just feel like he has a ton of missed birthdays and Christmases to make up for. I'd let it slide, probably.

SP29

I can see how it might be odd, particularly since you say your FFIL isn't the warmest with you, and also depending on how the idea was presented. If he said, "I'm giving John X as a gift for the wedding" I'd think, "mmm...kay..." and probably wonder if FIL didn't like me (or think yeah, he definitely doesn't like me...). 

However, since gifts are not required, there is no expectation and nothing you can do about it. Hopefully it's something awesome your FI will like- move on, and put it past you. 

It sounds like FFIL is going to be in FI's life from now on, so pick your battles. 

huskypuppy14

I don't think it's that big a deal. I've given gifts that are solely for the bride (spa gift certificates) at the shower. My mom gave me a card that was just for me on my wedding day.

Anyone is free to give a gift to anyone they wish at anytime. Maybe he thinks this is a good opportunity, and like a PP said, making up for missed birthdays etc.

AddieCake

Meh...I get that it is a little odd, but for me it would depend on the gift.

manateehugger

Honestly, what would you do about it anyway? Think about it, there's no way you could address this with anyone without sounding really juvenile ("I want a gift toooo").

Tons of our wedding gifts were kitchen-related items that H will never use or really care about. H got tap handles and a hunting gadget from a friend I don't know well. Hell, my in-laws got me a shotgun for my own use. I don't know - people wouldn't have given us gifts period if WE weren't getting married, so it didn't really bother me to see people get gifts that reflected their relationship with us.  

I'm sure this is a sensitive time for your FI and birth father; let your FI take the lead in how you'll react to his birth father's actions.

mlg78

My MOH gave us a gift from Omaha Steaks. I rarely eat meat. Clearly she didn't think this through and I wouldn't say I was annoyed but I definitely rolled my eyes at her choice of gift since she's my closest friend.  Seriously, you need to let this go.  If there's a bigger issue where his father doesn't like you, address that with your FI.

jacques27

Agree that unless the gift is a night with a hooker, I'm not sure what the big deal is.  Lots of gifts even on a registry get used by only one person or the other.  I have no delusions that the DeWalt bench grinder I bought as a wedding gift is getting equal use by my friend and her husband (I felt bad - she let him pick out the stuff on one registry because he really could not have cared less about having matching towels in the bathroom or new cookie sheets and a blender for the kitchen - and no one bought anything off that registry except for me).  She got pairs of pajamas (not lingerie...pajamas), a gift certificate for a massage, and lots of Bath and Body Works products at her pre-wedding parties.  I doubt her now husband got a lot of use out of those things.

Not everything has to be equal.  If I know one person in the couple better, I often pick out things for the person I know better (or just buy off a registry).  In this case, it's his dad and it sounds like they were estranged for a long time.  He's probably just trying to make up for lost time and reconnect with his son.  If I were you, I would stop trying to make their re-establishing their relationship with each other about you and just focus on what you can do to support your FI, as reconnecting with estranged family members can be awkward as you try to figure out how the relationship works now that everyone is older and years have been missed.

lyndausvi

I'm thinking this as more to do with him not being as welcoming then the gift.

I think most people get at least one gift that is more geared to one person than the other.  Sometimes one gift is flat for only one part of the couple.  Either way I don't see it a big deal.  It's a gift.  

Dreamergirl8812

Knottie5415360 said:

My fiancé (J) and his birth father reconnected before his currently deployment. He is getting back soon (and we will be getting married- YAY!), but when I was finalizing all the plans with his birth father I couldn't help, but be a little offended when he brought up a wedding gift, entirely focused just on a gift for J. It's great if he wants to get him a gift, but personally that sounds more of a bachelor gift. I have to let a lot roll off my shoulder because it was clear when we first met him and after talking to him a lot about the wedding while J has been gone, he doesn't hide not fully recognizing me as his future wife very well. From my side of things, we have never shown up to a wedding only honoring one person, when the entire ceremony is a celebration of the two. We are having an intimate ceremony and never went into it looking for any gifts, but still thought this was a tad rude. Idk, just wondering if this has happened to anyone else and wondering how it went for you.

Stop talking to this man about your wedding. Is he paying for it? Otherwise it's kind of odd for him to be involved in the wedding planning process. Especially if he isn't close to his son and doesn't like you.

banana468

I guess I don't see the big deal. One friend gave me lingerie and while DH benefited from it, he doesn't wear it.

We gave friends a shop vac off their registry. I don't think the wife uses it and DH hasn't used our Kitchen Aid. I haven't used the snowblower.

MairePoppy

What is the gift?

Your FFIL may want to mark this milestone with a special gift from him to your fi. I think you're being over sensitive.