Even guest list and cousins...AHHHH

Knottie55752813

Hi,

So my mom is one of 6 (only daughter) and they all have huge families. Additionally I am the 2nd to youngest grandchild, thus I'm closer with many of my 1st cousins once removed cousins rather than 1st cousins. In particular, I am extremely close with one particular uncle's grand kids. On the other hand I have another branch of cousins who I barely know, and barely know their kids. I wouldn't recognize many of the kids if I saw them on the street. My mom is set on inviting all of my cousins and their kids, and in some cases their grand kids as well. It's not really an issue of budget because my parents are willing to pay a huge chunk. The issue is my fiance isn't inviting that many people and his family will be coming from out of town. He's convinced most people on his side won't come since the wedding is in Michigan. I have told him he can invited more people if he wants but he just isn't as close to his extended family as I am. I don't want a lopsided wedding and he pointed out that his mom will be mad if there's two or three of my family for every one member of his. I am at a loss on what to do. advice? 

JCbride2015

Knottie55752813 said:

Hi,

So my mom is one of 6 (only daughter) and they all have huge families. Additionally I am the 2nd to youngest grandchild, thus I'm closer with many of my 1st cousins once removed cousins rather than 1st cousins. In particular, I am extremely close with one particular uncle's grand kids. On the other hand I have another branch of cousins who I barely know, and barely know their kids. I wouldn't recognize many of the kids if I saw them on the street. My mom is set on inviting all of my cousins and their kids, and in some cases their grand kids as well. It's not really an issue of budget because my parents are willing to pay a huge chunk. The issue is my fiance isn't inviting that many people and his family will be coming from out of town. He's convinced most people on his side won't come since the wedding is in Michigan. I have told him he can invited more people if he wants but he just isn't as close to his extended family as I am. I don't want a lopsided wedding and he pointed out that his mom will be mad if there's two or three of my family for every one member of his. I am at a loss on what to do. advice? 

Honestly I think the bolded is a non issue.  I really think you do not have a problem.  Why would his mom be upset that your family is larger?  It's not like you're keeping out anybody your Fi wants to invite.

FWIW, our wedding will be similar.  Everybody on Fi's side has three or four kids, so he has a ton of aunts, uncles, and cousins who are all local, and the whole family is close.  I am inviting my whole family out to first cousins, and that's maybe 12 people.  I'm not upset because.... why would I be?  He just has more family members.  That's life.

Just don't worry about it.  Your Fi has told you there's nobody else he wants to invite.  Your parents are helping to pay so it's not a budget issue.  I think this is something you can stop stressing about.

ETA: I missed that you said Fi pointed out his mom will be upset.  What possible reason could she have for being upset?  And what does she want-- just for you to not invite certain people?  That's not her call.

Dreamergirl8812

This is kinda bizarre. Invite the people you want to and can afford to properly host. You FI does the same. There is no such thing as a lopsided wedding and if FMIL is this crazy then the guest list is the least of your problems.

If you get pregnant is DH going to give you a list of MIL-approved baby names?

AddieCake

Your wedding will not be lopsided. Nobody has to sit on any designated sides. It's a group of people, just like at any party. My now-husband had 7 of "his" people at our wedding. At no time did we feel "lopsided." 

lyndausvi

I have a much bigger family then DH's.  It starts right from the get go because I have 2 parents and he has one.  We both have 3 siblings. All of mine are married.  2 of the 3 of his are in relationships.  All of mine have kids, none of his do.  So even we had a simple holiday meal with both families it's going to be lopsided.

I would have flipped my lid if DH even suggested I could not invite my 6 aunts because he only has 1.  That is BS.  Or I couldn't invite my 24 first cousins because he only as 3.    I'm actually closer to my 24 then he is to his mere 3.

Invite who you want, but don't think about sides being even.  Families come in different sizes. It's just a fact. FMIL needs to get over that.   You should not have eliminate people simply because you have a bigger family.    It's ridiculous to even think in those terms.

floridabride44

Knottie55752813 said:

Hi,

So my mom is one of 6 (only daughter) and they all have huge families. Additionally I am the 2nd to youngest grandchild, thus I'm closer with many of my 1st cousins once removed cousins rather than 1st cousins. In particular, I am extremely close with one particular uncle's grand kids. On the other hand I have another branch of cousins who I barely know, and barely know their kids. I wouldn't recognize many of the kids if I saw them on the street. My mom is set on inviting all of my cousins and their kids, and in some cases their grand kids as well. It's not really an issue of budget because my parents are willing to pay a huge chunk. The issue is my fiance isn't inviting that many people and his family will be coming from out of town. He's convinced most people on his side won't come since the wedding is in Michigan. I have told him he can invited more people if he wants but he just isn't as close to his extended family as I am. I don't want a lopsided wedding and he pointed out that his mom will be mad if there's two or three of my family for every one member of his. I am at a loss on what to do. advice? 

You can't help that your family is larger than his, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Sides don't have to be even. And if your mom is paying for the wedding, she gets a say in the guest list... that's just the way it is. But, if you don't want certain cousins there who you aren't close with and wouldn't recognize if you passed them on the street, try explaining that to her. Weddings are so busy & there are so many people to catch up with and talk to, your mom would only spend a few minutes with those distant cousins anyway. When the day comes, she won't even miss them. Hopefully you can help her realize that. Good luck!

MairePoppy

That's crazy. My family is very small, a total of 24 people that I consider close family members. My daughter invited every one of them. SIL's family is like yours, his parents have lots of siblings, they all have lots of children, some of the children have children. So yes, there were twice (or more) as many relatives on his side at the wedding. It didn't matter to us. I don't understand why it would matter to your fi's mom, or why that would matter to you. Furthermore, if your parents are paying for a big chunk of the wedding, they have a big say in the guest list.

kvruns

We're having a small wedding but about 2/3 are "mine" and 1/3 are his side. Part of it is bc I have more family in the area and part bc he has been married before and is just inviting a few close friends whereas it is my 1st and I'm inviting more friends. It isn't a big deal to either of us though

hellosweetie1015

Uneven sides aren't an issue generally. If it's an issue personally, your FI needs to have a come-to-Jesus talk with his mama. Some people have big families, some people have little ones. Not a thing. And as far as seating goes - make a circle! No sides that way. Or there's the signs that say something about two families becoming one or "pick a seat not a side" or stuff like that. They aren't something I intend to do but they're not useless like so many other "cutesy" signs.

We're having a small wedding. I do think we'll have semi-even invites, but only because it worked out that way. Originally, my thought was that we were only going to invite immediate family - family politics wouldn't allow me to invite any more than that happily - and I've got three siblings to FI's none. FI decided that he'd like to invite some of his extended family that he's close to, so that makes it even.

lovesclimbing

I have a larger family than H does and on top of that, most of my family lives in state while at least half of H's family lives out of state.  As a result, H had a lot fewer people at the wedding on his side.

I would have been sad if H or his mother had been unhappy about the fact that I have a large family who happens to live in state. I honestly don't get why it would even matter. You don't have control over the fact that you have a large family.

You don't have to have "sides" at the wedding.  We seated my parents and his parents and my grandparents in the front row on our respective sides, but other than that, people were seated all over so it didn't look lopsided.

LD1970

I had 89 people.  H had 11.  It happens.  And it was a terrific wedding.

slothiegal

What a non-issue.

H's family comprised about 3/4 of our guest list.  Didn't bother me in the slightest, because when our officiant said "I now pronounce you....", those 3/4 became my family, too.

cakemurderer

I agree; this should be a non-issue. My guest list is 30 as opposed to my FI's 50+ and I suspect only half of my invites will be able to attend since, like your FI, they're mostly all from out of town. If there's someone else he wants to invite but can't because you're hogging the guest list, that would be an issue. In this case, if his mother's going to be upset about it for some stupid reason, the obvious solution is for her to go back in time and encourage her siblings to have more babies so as to propagate the family line and give him more relatives to invite.

hyechica81

we had 116 people at our wedding out of those 116 only 45 were from hubbys side he has a smaller family. we invited 166 but had 50 people decline. he was ok with my huge family. we only invited family we were closest to 

Maggie0829

We had about 130 people and I could not tell you how many were from H's side and how many were from mine because we didn't give one thought about how it was split.  We just didn't care because it really didn't matter.