Rant with needed advice

STARMOON44

nhultberg461 said:

No it's not just an issue with FI. It has been a concern for awhile.

He is capable of understanding what I communicate with him. He's just not always willing to listen to what I'm saying, which is normal for him even prior to his strokes.

Well him not being willing to listen to what you say to him about your children also doesn't sound great.

theartistformerlyknownas

STARMOON44 said:

No it's not just an issue with FI. It has been a concern for awhile.

He is capable of understanding what I communicate with him. He's just not always willing to listen to what I'm saying, which is normal for him even prior to his strokes.

Well him not being willing to listen to what you say to him about your children also doesn't sound great.

No, it doesn't. None of this should concern him. It should barely concern you.

nhultberg461

The reason it concerns me is that my kids have brought it to my attention. I want to help them communicate better with their dad.

theartistformerlyknownas

nhultberg461 said:

The reason it concerns me is that my kids have brought it to my attention. I want to help them communicate better with their dad.

That's not at all what you came here asking about, and honestly being crammed in a back seat isn't something that needs to be communicated at all. Is a minor compliant that they need to be encouraged to get over. If there are bigger feelings of unhappiness that's a totally different story than this one.

nhultberg461

lolo883 said:

The reason it concerns me is that my kids have brought it to my attention. I want to help them communicate better with their dad.

That's not at all what you came here asking about, and honestly being crammed in a back seat isn't something that needs to be communicated at all. Is a minor compliant that they need to be encouraged to get over. If there are bigger feelings of unhappiness that's a totally different story than this one.

I get what you are saying, it did go farther then what I had orginally came here for. 

ashley8918

This just REALLY REALLY doesn't matter. Like, at all. Uncomfortable ≠ unsafe. What is your deal with stressing about shit that doesn't matter?

bride2b71614

So wait, whats the problem? You went from unsafe in the car, to his girlfriend is controlling/crazy to I want them to communicate better with your ex. 

As I am reading through your responses, I keep thinking that this isn't about them wanting to communicate better with their father, or an issue of car safety, its a problem with your ex hanging back while his gf takes over the co-parenting role. Sure I could be overreaching here, but if you're only communicating with her, and your kids come back to report that they are not allowed to text, that she won't leave them alone with their father, it becomes concerning. Your ex should be able to have time with your kids alone sans girlfriend. This could be as small as going out to get ice cream in the truck with them, but it sounds like they haven't spent quality time together recently. 

Are the complaints more about the gf or your ex? If the gf is the person whose making this rough on them, maybe you could suggest that they ask their father to take them out for a just a child and father day. If they are upset because they have to go see the gf maybe you could advocate for them if their requests fall on deaf ears. 

Again, I apologize sincerely if I've overreached, and I hope things go a little smoother for them going forward.

nhultberg461

It started out with actually wanting advice on what I could say regarding what in my mind is an unsafe vehicle but realized after the responses that I cannot say something when they are in his care it kinda went farther when trying further explain more of the situation. Their dads gf doesn't really leave him alone for anytime for him to spend time with our kids. I have suggested to the kids that they say they want to spend some time just with their dad but they haven't said anything because they are afraid of her reaction. Right now honestly I'm at a loss of what I can do to help the kids get through to their dad. I have thought about an email but then again if I say anything then she'll say it's not true and I'm making all of it up

EunoiaPhoenix

I have been dealing with a similar situation for the last 7+ years with my daughter's father. My daughter has the same visitation as your children, but in recent years she has chosen to be at home more. She's eight, but she's old enough to know what she does and doesn't want. I'm an advocate and voice for my child when her words fall on deaf ears. Her father has been in and out of her life from stints in prison to as little as skewed priorities. My mother and I, as well as his parents, have been the only constants in her life. I gave up being spiteful against him when she was very young and I commend you for acknowledging your mistake and making a change. I understand your concerns and wanting to tread lightly as to not cause any unnecessary drama, but I believe your children and their father should have a talk. Whether that involves you as a mediator/support or just the three of them is up to you.

My daughter had the same concerns when he began dating a woman who had three daughters. She went from just daddy to daddy, gf, and three girls. It was an overwhelming experience and she felt neglected. My fiancé and I explained to her that her feelings are valid, but whether she liked it or not she had to share now. Eventually she did voice her feelings to her father, now whether that made much of a difference I have yet to see. He does get upset when it comes time for his weekend and she chooses to stay, but I refuse to force my daughter to be somewhere she doesn't want to be.

If you feel your children are being neglected of vital father/child(ren) time, the gf is overly controlling, maybe overstepping, then you should definitely do something. I think the children should speak first so their father knows the concerns come from them and if that doesn't work, you speak. Relationships between children and parents must be first nurtured from the parents, but if the affection and attention is lacking the children, no matter how young, will pick up on this. I don't think it's a bad idea to revisit visitation if your children want more time at home and less with their father. I do believe that should come after he is given a chance to make amends and will consistently be there for them as more than a weekend dad. The gf should not be throwing tantrums or raising her voice when the children attempt to speak to their father while at his home, that is not her place, nor should the children have to be afraid to speak around her. That is a huge red flag and the father should address that. If after all is said and done your children are still adamant that don't want to visit you shouldn't force it. If their father really wants to be their father he will make the effort and show it in action rather than words.

I know the court system can be a scary place that causes rifts, but if it's in the best interest of your children you may have to explore it.

hellosweetie1015

Honestly, I'd be in touch with a lawyer. You don't have to go back to court, or even have him/her do anything right now, but s/he can give you advice on what you're allowed to do, and what you're not, and what your ex is/is not allowed to do, both generally and in this specific situation.

I think your FI should stay out of it. I also think the GF should stay out of it. Coparenting is, yes, a group effort between all parents, but the bulk of the communication should really be between bio parents, not between mom and GF, or dad and FI, or any other combination of relationships.

nhultberg461

I do have a paralegal I keep in contact with, I'll see what she suggests. I really do wish I could tell the gf to leave the co-parenting to me and their dad, but each time I have called her out in emails she states that it's him not her.