Pre-wedding Parties

Upcoming Bachelorette Party-still planning

edited February 2015 in Pre-wedding Parties
Hello ladies! It has been forever since I have been on here but have recently been asked to be in a friend's wedding as her Matron of honor. The bride has picked the destination for her bachelorette and the girls have all gotten busy looking at flights and hotels and whatnot and I am in a bit of a tough/confusing spot. While I feel that flying to Miami is a bit over the top (not to mention expensive), it is where she wants to go and where all the other girls seem to want to go too. I feel outnumbered on the planning aspect, but oh we'll, looks like we're going to Miami. Who doesn't love the beach? My other but bigger concern is that the bride has made it well known that she wants a "night of pure drunken debauchery before getting married" I'm not exactly comfortable with hunting down random men and saying what happens on the trip stays on the trip. (I've settled A Lot since college and at one time would have been right there with them lol) but I'm married now and that kind of night doesn't appeal to me without DH being there...I feel really outnumbered on this issue since I'm the only one in the group that is married. A crazy/wild/drunken night of said debauchery really makes me uncomfortable and really isn't something I feel right being a part of. I've had people tell me I could just DD. But I would rather pay for 5 cab rides than shuttle 10 trashed women around a city where I don't have the slightest clue where I am or could even begin to know my way around.Would it be rude of me to fly down, maybe with my husband maybe alone. I could go out early in the evening and then go back to the hotel when it starts getting too much? I really want to be a part of the festivities but this is a situation I would really prefer to not be in. I've only just met the other girls and have felt excluded throughout all of the pre wedding stuff. I don't want to come across like I don't like them or don't want to be social. I guess I'm kind of sad that I can't really be included or that no one thought to maybe do a dinner early and then go out. I want to celebrate this exciting time in her life, just not to that extent. Idk what are your thoughts? Do I fly down and only go out early and then fly home? Do I not go and then take her out to a nice dinner when they get back? Thoughts?
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Re: Upcoming Bachelorette Party-still planning

  • amelishaamelisha Canadian Texas member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    I have no words for any of this, other than NO, you are NOT obligated to take a trip like this for a bachelorette party, MOH or not. In my opinion it is completely unreasonable for people to ask their friends to fly somewhere for a weekend just for a stupid party. It's totally out of control and unnecessary unless everyone invited is independently wealthy. If you don't want to spend your time and money on a trip to Miami, don't. Just don't.

    Dinner and drinks or even clubbing in your own area is one thing, but honestly I even find the overnight aspect of a lot of bachelorettes lately totally OTT. Why can't you just go out and have a fun night and go home and not pay for a hotel room or travel? It's a lot of time and a lot of money and I don't think it's okay to ask, quite frankly. I really don't think you need to feel the slightest bit badly if it's not your thing.

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    PennyBlossom2311jenna8984
  • If the cost of travel is an issue for you, I would skip it. If you can easily afford the cost, then go to Miami and only participate in the things you are comfortable with. Do not-- under any circumstance or for any reason-- do things that make you uncomfortable. 

    These over-the-top destination bachelorette parties really make me roll my eyes, to be honest. Just because it's done in the movies doesn't mean everyone HAS to do it IRL, especially when cost and time off work and whatever all becomes a real issue for a lot of people. 
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    PennyBlossom2311jenna8984
  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 The Concrete Jungle member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    How serious is this girl about the "drunken night of debauchery?" Like, maybe she's just saying that because of the whole "Bachelorette party, last night as a single gal WOOHOO!" mindset? I don't think it would be rude if you went on your own. Now, would your husband even want to go if you are going for a bachelorette weekend with the girls?

    If they do want a crazy, wild night out, that's their choice. Go out with them, and have fun. If things get too wild or uncomfortable, you can always just leave and link up with them the following day. 

    You also do not have to go if you really don't want to. A bachelorette party is not a summons, and going to Miami is a big deal, so she should understand that maybe not everyone can make it. If you decide to go that route, and would like to celebrate with her, a nice dinner out like you suggested would be lovely.
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    PennyBlossom2311
  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    You can totally skip it. People may call you a wet blanket or whatever, but for me: My wallet, personal comfort and marriage come before a destination bachelorette in Miami. 

    I don't know WHY these are so popular, but no. No way. You do not have to attend.

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    novella1186jenna8984PennyBlossom2311[Deleted User]
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'd skip this trip. 

    PennyBlossom2311
  • I would also skip this party. No need for you to go to her bachelorette party that makes you uncomfortable. 
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    I would skip the trip.  "Ladies, after careful consideration, I won't be able to attend the b-party down in Miami.  I hope you all have a great time!"  End of conversation.  Besides, I was the driver for a work trip to Miami and it was the worst driving I've ever experienced - add in 10 drunk people - no way Jose!

    My sister and I were BMs in my brother's wedding.  We skipped her b-party that was planned, since it was a 2 hour drive and we didn't have the funds to pay for a hotel either.  The next time she came down to our area, we took her out to dinner as her b-party from us.  The bonus was that my niece was able to attend too, since it was just a nice dinner.  Maybe you could do something like that for your friend?

    PennyBlossom2311
  • @Couggal12‌ - I appreciate that. I know it's not about me, just feel maybe people's opinions could have been taken into consideration before it was decided on all this. @climbingwife‌ @mikenberger‌ @amelisha‌ - I might have to sit this one out, I can talk to the bride and go from there but now I don't feel so bad about possibly not going. @novella1186‌ @pinkcow13‌ - It's not terribly a money issue but, their wedding will also be out of state. It is adding up quickly, just trying to be mindful. Maybe I'm being a stick in the mud lol but I really don't get the big huge movie-like bachelorette parties. Like you already live in an awesome city with some of the best bars and clubs, the Gulf of Mexico is 500 miles closer and has plenty of places with a great night life and equally beautiful beaches. Maybe the point is to get really away away from home. Idk lol and when does the bride get to pick all this? I thought it was a nicety and not something to be expected. No one threw me a huge bachelorette? Schedules just couldn't meet up so one of my bridesmaids took me on a day trip to the beach. We split the costs and had the best time. I wouldn't have had it any other way and greatly appreciate her doing that for me, but I by no means expected it. Guess that's kind of another thing that bugs me. I really want her to have a great time, it's a big moment in her life. After reading your responses, I don't feel bad telling her it makes me uncomfortable and I would love to take her out when she gets back. And, if I do go down, maybe DH and I can make a mini vacation out of it. I could go out for part of the night and the next day he and I can just be beach bums.
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  • I'm not a fan of the destination bachelorette parties and if the plans for the weekend are something you're not comfortable with I would say don't go.  I know it might be sticky to say no or be seen as being no fun for not wanting to do it, but I bet if you tell the bride why she will understand since you are obviously close enough to be in her wedding party and thus she should know you well enough to accept that you don't want to go
    PennyBlossom2311
  • @kvruns‌ - I agree with you and think you're right. Maybe it would be best to just say that I'm really not comfortable to go to a big club or wherever without DH and think it would be best to sit this one out. Idk just gotta tell her.
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  • OP, I don't think you're being a stick in the mud at all. I would absolutely not want to pay for a vacation that I don't even want to go on. If I pay for a plane ticket and the whole 9, it will be for something I want to do in a location I want to go to. Cuz those costs can add up and get huge fast, so I can't afford a bunch of vacations just whenever. 

    And I wouldn't want a drunken crazy night out either. I feel like I got that out of my system when I was in college (and for a few years post grad) and now it's like I just wanna have a few cocktails and then go home and put my super comfy pajamas on lol. Maybe I'm boring but I don't care. 

    Brides these days demanding that all the BMs fly somewhere and do this huge elaborate bachelorette vacation is ridiculous to me. I would never expect my friends to shell out that kind of money for a party. I mean, some people can't even afford to travel for a wedding but then you want them to travel for your pre-wedding party? Ugh. I don't like it! 

    It's really fucking cold where I live right now (in the midwest) and my BM is planning my bach party for 2 weekends from now, when it will still be cold and nasty. I would love to be somewhere warm and have a fun awesome get-away... but that's called a honeymoon. 
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    PennyBlossom2311
  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited February 2015
    Honestly I think it's a bit ridiculous to not even be willing to go to a club without your husband. It's not strippers. But you 100% get to make that call. I just wouldn't give her that explanation. Maybe just "you know I love you but I'm just not a big night life person so I'm going to sit this one out." I would def not bring your husband along for the weekend. Even if he's not going out with you it seems really out of place- the point is getting away from the boys not bringing them along.
    KatWAGPennyBlossom2311saric83
  • WeeshWeesh NY member
    250 Love Its Third Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    I don't know when these ridiculous weekend long vacation style bachelorette parties started being the expected norm, but they're frikking ridiculous, and need to go away. 
    I'd decline.
    Agreed!  It's really hard to balance finances when you have multiple weddings, and adding a destination bachelorette party just seems excessive.  OP, you are the MOH.  Did you offer to throw her something else or did she tell you this is what she wanted without any other options?  It sounds like she sort of planned this on her own, which isn't cool anyway.
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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I'm in the boat of just talk to the bride. If you're her MOH, you must be close enough to her that she knows you well and will understand if this trip just isn't your cup of tea. 

    If I were you though... I'd at least make the trip, and go do some things (like dinner).  I know you said costs are adding up, but if you could swing it, it could be fun.  Honestly, sometimes I dread nights out (like a PP, would rather sit in with pajamas), but once I'm out the door? I have a great time. The challenge is just getting out the door in the first place. 

    But like others have said, you have zero obligation here. Whatever you are comfortable with, do it. 
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    PennyBlossom2311
  • I don't know when these ridiculous weekend long vacation style bachelorette parties started being the expected norm, but they're frikking ridiculous, and need to go away. 
    I'd decline.
    My bridesmaids this weekend were talking about doing one and I was like no I don't want a destination party. Even something driving distance I don't want to ask people to be gone for even 2 days, let alone the price for a destination trip.
    ohannabellePennyBlossom2311
  • I don't even know where to start on this one, except to warn you that EVERYTHING in Miami is going to be $$$$$$$$$.  So if you think the cost of the trip is an issue, just wait.  Also, this bride sounds super immature, JMO, and I think you will spend the weekend baby sitting and holding heads over toilets.  If they have not gotten past this stage since college, I doubt that anybody is ready for marriage.
    PennyBlossom2311
  • larrygagalarrygaga Czechoslovakia member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited February 2015
    I get drunk out on the town all the time with my friends and I am able to keep it in my pants. I don't need my FI everywhere with me. It's good to learn independence and self control.

    But I also wouldn't go because I would be saving for a more fun vacation that isn't boring ass florida. 
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  • @PennyBlossom2311, I'm glad the talk with her went well for you! A little honest communication can go a long way. :) Enjoy the trip! 
    PennyBlossom2311
  • edited February 2015
    @adettma32‌ I'm glad it went well too. She still wants Miami, but didn't realize how expensive it would be. She's open to other locations and is going to bring up everyone's budget comfort level. She thought that had been discussed and she said she was glad I piped up and talked to her. Still a big trip lol but now should be within X amount. I really appreciate the advice. Talking directly to her was the best bet.
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    adettma32levioosa
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