MIL Issues

kae07

So, I am generally a stressed out person, and my future MIL is not helping my situation. And get prepared for a long post...my apologies...

A little background, my mom and I have an amazing relationship, she's been my biggest fan forever and she usually is good with anything I decide for my life, or my wedding. 

My FI and I have been together for five years, and we are naturally private people. It's not that we don't want to share, we're good with sharing, but things like PDA are not our thing. We don't feel the need to prove our love and affection to other people, as other people are not involved in that part of our relationship. When we have problems, we don't drag other people in, we ultimately have to talk to each other about everything to get anywhere. We feel like we're doing great, and we feel like we are planning the day that we want.

Now to the problem, it's been going on since the ring got slipped on my finger. I never felt disliked before, but once I said we were waiting a year and a half for our wedding, let's just say the looks started and haven't stopped. I personally have a busy life, and planning a wedding in 6 months didn't fit in to it, not to mention everywhere we were interested in was booked a year in advance! We have been planning and getting things together. I asked for a guest list in October of 2013, the guest list was given to me in September of 2014. It contained more friends than I was inviting. We're having a small wedding, this list had more than a fourth of the guests. My FI and I decided that we want to have sandwiches for the rehearsal dinner because my family is traveling 3 or more hours to come to the wedding, and who wants to get out of a car, dress up and do a fancy sit down dinner? When I drive home, I want to put on sweatpants and eat take out (and I usually do). She is constantly telling my FI that sandwiches will reflect poorly upon her, and she asks about it every time she sees him by himself.

We asked for them to pay for half of the wedding dinner, it is more expensive, and their chunk of the guest list is large, since this wedding isn't in my hometown. She has now been telling us that we're 'untraditional' and that the grooms parents take care of the rehearsal. In the beginning she told me that she hasn't been to a wedding or helped with one in years. I've been in five and attended more than 10 in the last five years. She's basing everything off of her own wedding....over 30 years ago. I get it, we aren't exactly doing things in the traditional light, but we're getting married in his hometown, not mine, so I don't feel completely off base asking for help with a dinner that will feed more of their guests than mine. We told her she had to cut people from the guest list, and she got upset because she's told everyone about it already. My mom has two friends on the list. 

On top of all of that, she tells my FI that she just can't talk to me about the wedding. Every time that we talk about the wedding she gives me disapproving looks and argues with what we have decided. That's just caused me to keep details to a minimum because I hate feeling like I'm inadequate for planning a day that I want. And then when I'm not around her with my FI she asks him every question over again expecting him to just give in to what she wants to plan. She asks if it's really wants, and hints at whether or not we're happy together because we aren't constantly staring at each other and smiling. Anytime I'm around her I'm just stressed out!

Any advice on handling the situation? I'm pretty sure I have yet to go about it in the right way.

chloe97

I didn't know this before I started hanging out at TK, but you shouldn't be asking people to pay for your wedding (either set of parents). Have the wedding that you can afford. If either set of parents offers to help, they get a say in your wedding. If your FMIL is paying for the rehearsal, than she gets a say in what you serve. If you don't like what she is serving, then decline her offer and pay yourself. 

mikenberger

kae07 said:

So, I am generally a stressed out person, and my future MIL is not helping my situation. And get prepared for a long post...my apologies...

A little background, my mom and I have an amazing relationship, she's been my biggest fan forever and she usually is good with anything I decide for my life, or my wedding. I only have one sibling, and she's a single mom, so I spent three years living with just my mom. We talk on the phone for like an hour and half or more once a week, sometimes we talk multiple days for like half an hour, depends on the week. We text pretty much every day. It's just how things go. My FI has a sister, and the relationship his mom has with her is the complete opposite, lots of arguing, not a lot of openness. 

My FI and I have been together for five years, and we are naturally private people. It's not that we don't want to share, we're good with sharing, but things like PDA are not our thing. We don't feel the need to prove our love and affection to other people, as other people are not involved in that part of our relationship. When we have problems, we don't drag other people in, we ultimately have to talk to each other about everything to get anywhere. We feel like we're doing great, and we feel like we are planning the day that we want.

Now to the problem, it's been going on since the ring got slipped on my finger. I never felt disliked before, but once I said we were waiting a year and a half for our wedding, let's just say the looks started and haven't stopped. I personally have a busy life, and planning a wedding in 6 months didn't fit in to it, not to mention everywhere we were interested in was booked a year in advance! We have been planning and getting things together. I asked for a guest list in October of 2013, the guest list was given to me in September of 2014. It contained more friends than I was inviting. We're having a small wedding, this list had more than a fourth of the guests. My FI and I decided that we want to have sandwiches for the rehearsal dinner because my family is traveling 3 or more hours to come to the wedding, and who wants to get out of a car, dress up and do a fancy sit down dinner? When I drive home, I want to put on sweatpants and eat take out (and I usually do). She is constantly telling my FI that sandwiches will reflect poorly upon her, and she asks about it every time she sees him by himself.

We asked for them to pay for half of the wedding dinner, it is more expensive, and their chunk of the guest list is large, since this wedding isn't in my hometown. She has now been telling us that we're 'untraditional' and that the grooms parents take care of the rehearsal. In the beginning she told me that she hasn't been to a wedding or helped with one in years. I've been in five and attended more than 10 in the last five years. She's basing everything off of her own wedding....over 30 years ago. I get it, we aren't exactly doing things in the traditional light, but we're getting married in his hometown, not mine, so I don't feel completely off base asking for help with a dinner that will feed more of their guests than mine. We told her she had to cut people from the guest list, and she got upset because she's told everyone about it already. My mom has two friends on the list. 

On top of all of that, she tells my FI that she just can't talk to me about the wedding. Every time that we talk about the wedding she gives me disapproving looks and argues with what we have decided. That's just caused me to keep details to a minimum because I hate feeling like I'm inadequate for planning a day that I want. And then when I'm not around her with my FI she asks him every question over again expecting him to just give in to what she wants to plan. She asks if it's really wants, and hints at whether or not we're happy together because we aren't constantly staring at each other and smiling. Anytime I'm around her I'm just stressed out!

Any advice on handling the situation? I'm pretty sure I have yet to go about it in the right way.

Well #1 - You shouldn't be asking them to pay for anything, they should offer money or to pay for something. Then you could've avoided most of your paragraph on the guest list full of her people and not yours. Not paying? No input needed. "I'm sorry. That many people is out of our budget. Can you possibly cut it back to X people? Thanks." No mention of the money. If she's telling people, that's her problem, not yours. If these people do not receive an invite from you and still show up, still, that's their problem, not yours. She'll look like the fool because there will be no food or place setting for these extras. 

If you don't want to discuss the other aspects of the wedding, the ones she's not helping pay for, you don't have to. Just dodge all her questions. And if she tries to pull the convo off track, bring it back to the original topic. And when you're done discussing it, quickly change the subject. And maybe it's time to take a little break from Mommy dearest for a bit. And that's perfectly okay. Your Fi should be "dealing" with his mother. Not you. 

littlepep

Well you really shouldn't have asked them to contribute money, but that shipped has sailed. If she is contributing money to the wedding that means she gets a say in the guest list so you can take her money and tell her she can't invite people. If you really want to cut down the guest list you need to decline her money and do it on your own. 

As far as the rehearsal, who is paying for that? If you and your FI are paying, you can do whatever you want. If you want sandwiches, have sandwiches. Tell her the issue is close and do not discuss it further. But if your MIL is paying then she is correct that it does reflect on her as the host and she is allowed to contribute input. 

kae07

What really bothers me about the money aspect is that she and FI's dad said they were willing to help with anything, we just needed to let them know. That to me means they're willing to help pay for the decisions that we make. My parents have contributed, I tell them what they're paying for just so they know. My mom just asks what the decision is and says that's fine. My dad hasn't really asked what the decision is, he just helps with paying for things. 

She also told my FI that she thought she wouldn't get invited to the bridal shower. My sister is planning it, my bridesmaids all just found a date that worked recently. I even picked a weekend I knew SHE wasn't busy! 

Honestly the wedding I wanted was either a. on a beach or b. in a courthouse and then go to a beach. FI wanted grandparents in attendance, so I let him have his way there. The worst part about her trying to plan things is that she wants like a $2,500 rehearsal dinner, I'm trying to save everyone money here!

flantastic

kae07 said:

What really bothers me about the money aspect is that she and FI's dad said they were willing to help with anything, we just needed to let them know. That to me means they're willing to help pay for the decisions that we make. My parents have contributed, I tell them what they're paying for just so they know. My mom just asks what the decision is and says that's fine. My dad hasn't really asked what the decision is, he just helps with paying for things. 

She also told my FI that she thought she wouldn't get invited to the bridal shower. My sister is planning it, my bridesmaids all just found a date that worked recently. I even picked a weekend I knew SHE wasn't busy! 

Honestly the wedding I wanted was either a. on a beach or b. in a courthouse and then go to a beach. FI wanted grandparents in attendance, so I let him have his way there. The worst part about her trying to plan things is that she wants like a $2,500 rehearsal dinner, I'm trying to save everyone money here!

The bolded is not an assumption you could or should have made. Just because your parents are willing to write you a blank check on decisions doesn't mean that FILs will operate the same way. They're willing to help, and if they're not paying they'll stay out of it, but once you bring them and their money in to help, it's natural that they'll have opinions.

Either decline their money or give them the input they want. There's no way around this.

kae07

And one more thing...we took his parents to a tasting of our dinner, and they had the chance to help make those decisions with us. We've asked them to pay for half of the dinner and explained they have over half of the guests on the list.

FI asked them for money to pay for the DJ. My dad took care of the photographer and the venue because he knew I loved both items. My mom is helping with the dinner and invitations and my dress. All of which she has simply said, whatever you like, it's your day.

I've talked with my FI and we plan to pay for the sandwiches that will reflect poorly on everyone, but she keeps saying that's traditionally their responsibility so it will still reflect poorly because people will think it's what they planned. 

Sometimes when I say things, I feel horrible and inconsiderate...but I'm just so frustrated.

mikenberger

kae07 said:

What really bothers me about the money aspect is that she and FI's dad said they were willing to help with anything, we just needed to let them know. That to me means they're willing to help pay for the decisions that we make. My parents have contributed, I tell them what they're paying for just so they know. My mom just asks what the decision is and says that's fine. My dad hasn't really asked what the decision is, he just helps with paying for things. 

She also told my FI that she thought she wouldn't get invited to the bridal shower. My sister is planning it, my bridesmaids all just found a date that worked recently. I even picked a weekend I knew SHE wasn't busy! 

Honestly the wedding I wanted was either a. on a beach or b. in a courthouse and then go to a beach. FI wanted grandparents in attendance, so I let him have his way there. The worst part about her trying to plan things is that she wants like a $2,500 rehearsal dinner, I'm trying to save everyone money here!

It's HER money. If she wants to spend it, let her. You cannot control people's wallets. And some people might like a sit down meal instead of sandwiches for a rehearsal dinner. And if your FFIL's are putting up the cash, that's on them. 

It's nice when your parents have an off hand approach to wedding planning. My parents gave me a flat amount and I could spend it on whatever. Now, I've changed the menu because my Mother wasn't sold on heavy apps versus a meal, but I could've left it with the heavy apps if I wanted to. 

If they want to be involved on where their money is concerned, that's perfectly acceptable. Now, it's when they want to spend other people's money that is the issue. If you don't want their input, decline their money and do what you want. Sure, she'll probably make some snide commentary, but you can't do anything about that. In the end, it's you and you FI that matter. 

And with the shower invite, she sounds like she's being dramatic. Once again, not your issue. I don't know why you're letting her rile you up. She's dramatic and attention seeking. Not every Mom can be so cool I personally have a cool Mom as well, but my FI has a passive aggressive dramatic mother. I just try to be positive in my dealings with her and keep my communication short and pleasant.

flantastic

kae07 said:

And one more thing...we took his parents to a tasting of our dinner, and they had the chance to help make those decisions with us. We've asked them to pay for half of the dinner and explained they have over half of the guests on the list.

FI asked them for money to pay for the DJ. My dad took care of the photographer and the venue because he knew I loved both items. My mom is helping with the dinner and invitations and my dress. All of which she has simply said, whatever you like, it's your day.

I've talked with my FI and we plan to pay for the sandwiches that will reflect poorly on everyone, but she keeps saying that's traditionally their responsibility so it will still reflect poorly because people will think it's what they planned. 

Sometimes when I say things, I feel horrible and inconsiderate...but I'm just so frustrated.

Are you sending out invitations or asking for RSVPs for the rehearsal dinner? Those come from and return to the host. Anyone with common sense will figure out you're the one hosting and planning this dinner.

plainjane0415

kae07 said:

What really bothers me about the money aspect is that she and FI's dad said they were willing to help with anything, we just needed to let them know. That to me means they're willing to help pay for the decisions that we make. My parents have contributed, I tell them what they're paying for just so they know. My mom just asks what the decision is and says that's fine. My dad hasn't really asked what the decision is, he just helps with paying for things. 

She also told my FI that she thought she wouldn't get invited to the bridal shower. My sister is planning it, my bridesmaids all just found a date that worked recently. I even picked a weekend I knew SHE wasn't busy! 

Honestly the wedding I wanted was either a. on a beach or b. in a courthouse and then go to a beach. FI wanted grandparents in attendance, so I let him have his way there. The worst part about her trying to plan things is that she wants like a $2,500 rehearsal dinner, I'm trying to save everyone money here!

To the bolded, NOTE FOR LURKERS... on TK we have seen brides come here time and time again with this same story.  PLAN THE WEDDING YOU AND YOUR FI CAN AFFORD!  DON'T COUNT ON PROMISED $$$$!  I know that it sucks to be promised something and then run into problems, and you don't want to have that added stress.  It can make things real uncomfortable, real fast.

You can't expect MIL to act just like your mom and be as understanding as your mom and dad.  They are different people, with different ways of thinking.  If you don't like what she has planned for the rehearsal dinner, decline her hosting it, and pay for it yourself. That's the only solution I can think of to this problem.

fwtx5815

Moving past the money convo mistakes -- PPs have pointed out the missteps there already:

Unless you're prepared to take over the costs that your FILs were planning to contribute/pay back what they've already spent, then you'll have to accept some input from them. But if you and your FI are paying for the rehearsal meal, I wouldn't even worry about FMIL's opinion of the food. Sandwiches are great. As long as the rehearsal guests are properly hosted with food and drinks, that's all that matters. Like Flan said, if you're the one doing the invites for it (or sending the emails, whatever) then people should understand that FILs are not the hosts.

Going forward, don't feed into her antics. If wedding conversations between you and FMIL consistently don't go well, I would just not discuss it with her anymore. FI can be the one to relay pertinent info to her and if she pries, he can say "This is what we have decided and we're firm in our decision." (He should be able to do this for the stuff that his parents are not paying for.) Don't let her stress you out. Try to remember that her doubts about your relationship/level of PDA are HER problem, not yours.

southernbelle0915

Want to get rid of all this drama? Decline their money. Tell them you're sorry you asked them (rudely) for money and that you will host things yourself.

If they come back with "it's traditional that we pay for..." just tell them "thanks, but no thanks." Be firm. You're an adult, yes? If so, start acting like one. "No" is not a four letter word and you're allowed to use it with other adults - yes, even parents. Tell them no to their money and be done with this drama.

CMGragain

kae07 said:

So, I am generally a stressed out person, and my future MIL is not helping my situation. And get prepared for a long post...my apologies...

A little background, my mom and I have an amazing relationship, she's been my biggest fan forever and she usually is good with anything I decide for my life, or my wedding. I only have one sibling, and she's a single mom, so I spent three years living with just my mom. We talk on the phone for like an hour and half or more once a week, sometimes we talk multiple days for like half an hour, depends on the week. We text pretty much every day. It's just how things go. My FI has a sister, and the relationship his mom has with her is the complete opposite, lots of arguing, not a lot of openness. 

My FI and I have been together for five years, and we are naturally private people. It's not that we don't want to share, we're good with sharing, but things like PDA are not our thing. We don't feel the need to prove our love and affection to other people, as other people are not involved in that part of our relationship. When we have problems, we don't drag other people in, we ultimately have to talk to each other about everything to get anywhere. We feel like we're doing great, and we feel like we are planning the day that we want.

Now to the problem, it's been going on since the ring got slipped on my finger. I never felt disliked before, but once I said we were waiting a year and a half for our wedding, let's just say the looks started and haven't stopped. I personally have a busy life, and planning a wedding in 6 months didn't fit in to it, not to mention everywhere we were interested in was booked a year in advance! We have been planning and getting things together. I asked for a guest list in October of 2013, the guest list was given to me in September of 2014. It contained more friends than I was inviting. We're having a small wedding, this list had more than a fourth of the guests. My FI and I decided that we want to have sandwiches for the rehearsal dinner because my family is traveling 3 or more hours to come to the wedding, and who wants to get out of a car, dress up and do a fancy sit down dinner? When I drive home, I want to put on sweatpants and eat take out (and I usually do). She is constantly telling my FI that sandwiches will reflect poorly upon her, and she asks about it every time she sees him by himself.

We asked for them to pay for half of the wedding dinner, it is more expensive, and their chunk of the guest list is large, since this wedding isn't in my hometown. She has now been telling us that we're 'untraditional' and that the grooms parents take care of the rehearsal. In the beginning she told me that she hasn't been to a wedding or helped with one in years. I've been in five and attended more than 10 in the last five years. She's basing everything off of her own wedding....over 30 years ago. I get it, we aren't exactly doing things in the traditional light, but we're getting married in his hometown, not mine, so I don't feel completely off base asking for help with a dinner that will feed more of their guests than mine. We told her she had to cut people from the guest list, and she got upset because she's told everyone about it already. My mom has two friends on the list. 

On top of all of that, she tells my FI that she just can't talk to me about the wedding. Every time that we talk about the wedding she gives me disapproving looks and argues with what we have decided. That's just caused me to keep details to a minimum because I hate feeling like I'm inadequate for planning a day that I want. And then when I'm not around her with my FI she asks him every question over again expecting him to just give in to what she wants to plan. She asks if it's really wants, and hints at whether or not we're happy together because we aren't constantly staring at each other and smiling. Anytime I'm around her I'm just stressed out!

Any advice on handling the situation? I'm pretty sure I have yet to go about it in the right way.

I just can't get past your sense of entitlement.

You asked your FMIL to pay for half of your reception?  What?  I'd be upset with you, too!

You expect your FMIL to pay for half of the reception, but you object to her inviting her friends which only make up 25% of the guest list?  I don't understand your objection at all!

Your FMIL is correct that traditionally, the groom's parents pay for the rehearsal dinner - and THAT IS ALL!!!

What makes you think that you are entitled to an expensive wedding?  What made you think that your future in-laws should pay for it?  Ugh!  I don't blame your FMIL for being unhappy about your wedding.

MairePoppy

Each family has their own way of handling the money situation. Some parents are happy to give a $$ gift and let the couple plan as they wish, other parents expect to have control over how their hard earned money is spent, others don't contribute at all. Your FILs aren't wrong to expect a say in the planning if they're contributing.

If you want to serve sandwiches at your RD, pay for it yourself. Let FMIL know that you will make it clear, via written or email invitations that you and your Fi are hosting so it won't reflect on her. Then plan a kick ass make ahead sandwich display. But if she's paying for the RD, she gets to decide on the menu, venue etc....

If your FMIL is complaining about you to your Fi, he should let her know that the two of you, as a team, are doing your best to plan a beautiful wedding and happy marriage together.

novella1186

I have to second that you decline their money. Read any of the threads about my dad. The closer to the wedding you get, the worse and more stressful these issues will get. You will be WAY BETTER OFF if you just decline now and plan the wedding you can afford. 

You said you wanted a courthouse wedding but it sounds like you're planning something much, much bigger. You don't have to. You can include immediate family, grandparents, close friends, and call it a day. Cutting the guest list is a major way to save costs. 

So decline her money, throw out the guest list she gave you, and plan something a little more intimate. Switch out your dinner options to something less expensive, and have just beer and wine instead of a full bar. Reduce the number of flowers or don't have flowers at all. There's tons of stuff you can do to be able to afford this without her help. 

If she's not contributing financially, she doesn't get any input, you can leave her out of the planning, and you don't have to listen to her snarky comments. Your life will become much easier and much more peaceful. 

Trust me, if  I could get in a time machine and go back to the beginning of planning, I would do exactly what I'm telling you. 

kae07

CMGragain said:

kae07 said:

So, I am generally a stressed out person, and my future MIL is not helping my situation. And get prepared for a long post...my apologies...

A little background, my mom and I have an amazing relationship, she's been my biggest fan forever and she usually is good with anything I decide for my life, or my wedding. I only have one sibling, and she's a single mom, so I spent three years living with just my mom. We talk on the phone for like an hour and half or more once a week, sometimes we talk multiple days for like half an hour, depends on the week. We text pretty much every day. It's just how things go. My FI has a sister, and the relationship his mom has with her is the complete opposite, lots of arguing, not a lot of openness. 

My FI and I have been together for five years, and we are naturally private people. It's not that we don't want to share, we're good with sharing, but things like PDA are not our thing. We don't feel the need to prove our love and affection to other people, as other people are not involved in that part of our relationship. When we have problems, we don't drag other people in, we ultimately have to talk to each other about everything to get anywhere. We feel like we're doing great, and we feel like we are planning the day that we want.

Now to the problem, it's been going on since the ring got slipped on my finger. I never felt disliked before, but once I said we were waiting a year and a half for our wedding, let's just say the looks started and haven't stopped. I personally have a busy life, and planning a wedding in 6 months didn't fit in to it, not to mention everywhere we were interested in was booked a year in advance! We have been planning and getting things together. I asked for a guest list in October of 2013, the guest list was given to me in September of 2014. It contained more friends than I was inviting. We're having a small wedding, this list had more than a fourth of the guests. My FI and I decided that we want to have sandwiches for the rehearsal dinner because my family is traveling 3 or more hours to come to the wedding, and who wants to get out of a car, dress up and do a fancy sit down dinner? When I drive home, I want to put on sweatpants and eat take out (and I usually do). She is constantly telling my FI that sandwiches will reflect poorly upon her, and she asks about it every time she sees him by himself.

We asked for them to pay for half of the wedding dinner, it is more expensive, and their chunk of the guest list is large, since this wedding isn't in my hometown. She has now been telling us that we're 'untraditional' and that the grooms parents take care of the rehearsal. In the beginning she told me that she hasn't been to a wedding or helped with one in years. I've been in five and attended more than 10 in the last five years. She's basing everything off of her own wedding....over 30 years ago. I get it, we aren't exactly doing things in the traditional light, but we're getting married in his hometown, not mine, so I don't feel completely off base asking for help with a dinner that will feed more of their guests than mine. We told her she had to cut people from the guest list, and she got upset because she's told everyone about it already. My mom has two friends on the list. 

On top of all of that, she tells my FI that she just can't talk to me about the wedding. Every time that we talk about the wedding she gives me disapproving looks and argues with what we have decided. That's just caused me to keep details to a minimum because I hate feeling like I'm inadequate for planning a day that I want. And then when I'm not around her with my FI she asks him every question over again expecting him to just give in to what she wants to plan. She asks if it's really wants, and hints at whether or not we're happy together because we aren't constantly staring at each other and smiling. Anytime I'm around her I'm just stressed out!

Any advice on handling the situation? I'm pretty sure I have yet to go about it in the right way.

I just can't get past your sense of entitlement.

You asked your FMIL to pay for half of your reception?  What?  I'd be upset with you, too!

You expect your FMIL to pay for half of the reception, but you object to her inviting her friends which only make up 25% of the guest list?  I don't understand your objection at all!

Your FMIL is correct that traditionally, the groom's parents pay for the rehearsal dinner - and THAT IS ALL!!!

What makes you think that you are entitled to an expensive wedding?  What made you think that your future in-laws should pay for it?  Ugh!  I don't blame your FMIL for being unhappy about your wedding.

Excuse me, but my FI's friends take up another 25% and his family takes up about 15%. Please, tell me where I'm so entitled to be asking for them to help pay to feed their friends and family. I didn't want an expensive wedding, I have been keeping things in budget, thank you very much. We can only have 200 people, that's it. He has a large family. My family's friends don't get to be invited. Why should my family have to pay to feed 75% of people that aren't there for our side?

If they didn't want to help pay for half of the dinner, then they should have said up front we only want to pay for this, this and this. Instead, they said please, tell us what you would like for us to pay for. Don't offer and then take it back.

So, please don't assume too quickly that I'm being entitled when I'm trying to stick to a budget, not get out of control on spending.

flantastic

kae07 said:

CMGragain said:

kae07 said:

So, I am generally a stressed out person, and my future MIL is not helping my situation. And get prepared for a long post...my apologies...

A little background, my mom and I have an amazing relationship, she's been my biggest fan forever and she usually is good with anything I decide for my life, or my wedding. I only have one sibling, and she's a single mom, so I spent three years living with just my mom. We talk on the phone for like an hour and half or more once a week, sometimes we talk multiple days for like half an hour, depends on the week. We text pretty much every day. It's just how things go. My FI has a sister, and the relationship his mom has with her is the complete opposite, lots of arguing, not a lot of openness. 

My FI and I have been together for five years, and we are naturally private people. It's not that we don't want to share, we're good with sharing, but things like PDA are not our thing. We don't feel the need to prove our love and affection to other people, as other people are not involved in that part of our relationship. When we have problems, we don't drag other people in, we ultimately have to talk to each other about everything to get anywhere. We feel like we're doing great, and we feel like we are planning the day that we want.

Now to the problem, it's been going on since the ring got slipped on my finger. I never felt disliked before, but once I said we were waiting a year and a half for our wedding, let's just say the looks started and haven't stopped. I personally have a busy life, and planning a wedding in 6 months didn't fit in to it, not to mention everywhere we were interested in was booked a year in advance! We have been planning and getting things together. I asked for a guest list in October of 2013, the guest list was given to me in September of 2014. It contained more friends than I was inviting. We're having a small wedding, this list had more than a fourth of the guests. My FI and I decided that we want to have sandwiches for the rehearsal dinner because my family is traveling 3 or more hours to come to the wedding, and who wants to get out of a car, dress up and do a fancy sit down dinner? When I drive home, I want to put on sweatpants and eat take out (and I usually do). She is constantly telling my FI that sandwiches will reflect poorly upon her, and she asks about it every time she sees him by himself.

We asked for them to pay for half of the wedding dinner, it is more expensive, and their chunk of the guest list is large, since this wedding isn't in my hometown. She has now been telling us that we're 'untraditional' and that the grooms parents take care of the rehearsal. In the beginning she told me that she hasn't been to a wedding or helped with one in years. I've been in five and attended more than 10 in the last five years. She's basing everything off of her own wedding....over 30 years ago. I get it, we aren't exactly doing things in the traditional light, but we're getting married in his hometown, not mine, so I don't feel completely off base asking for help with a dinner that will feed more of their guests than mine. We told her she had to cut people from the guest list, and she got upset because she's told everyone about it already. My mom has two friends on the list. 

On top of all of that, she tells my FI that she just can't talk to me about the wedding. Every time that we talk about the wedding she gives me disapproving looks and argues with what we have decided. That's just caused me to keep details to a minimum because I hate feeling like I'm inadequate for planning a day that I want. And then when I'm not around her with my FI she asks him every question over again expecting him to just give in to what she wants to plan. She asks if it's really wants, and hints at whether or not we're happy together because we aren't constantly staring at each other and smiling. Anytime I'm around her I'm just stressed out!

Any advice on handling the situation? I'm pretty sure I have yet to go about it in the right way.

I just can't get past your sense of entitlement.

You asked your FMIL to pay for half of your reception?  What?  I'd be upset with you, too!

You expect your FMIL to pay for half of the reception, but you object to her inviting her friends which only make up 25% of the guest list?  I don't understand your objection at all!

Your FMIL is correct that traditionally, the groom's parents pay for the rehearsal dinner - and THAT IS ALL!!!

What makes you think that you are entitled to an expensive wedding?  What made you think that your future in-laws should pay for it?  Ugh!  I don't blame your FMIL for being unhappy about your wedding.

Excuse me, but my FI's friends take up another 25% and his family takes up about 15%. Please, tell me where I'm so entitled to be asking for them to help pay to feed their friends and family. I didn't want an expensive wedding, I have been keeping things in budget, thank you very much. We can only have 200 people, that's it. He has a large family. My family's friends don't get to be invited. Why should my family have to pay to feed 75% of people that aren't there for our side?

If they didn't want to help pay for half of the dinner, then they should have said up front we only want to pay for this, this and this. Instead, they said please, tell us what you would like for us to pay for. Don't offer and then take it back.

So, please don't assume too quickly that I'm being entitled when I'm trying to stick to a budget, not get out of control on spending.

What CMG is saying is that if you are paying for none of the reception, and your respective sets of parents are each paying for half, then you and your FI actually have no right whatsoever to invite any friends, and are doing so because both your parents and your FILs have graciously given up their right to half the guest list.

kae07

Am I missing that it's actually part of the day to have our friends there? As the day is to celebrate the union between us, and OUR friends actually care about the union between the two of us? While our parents friends haven't seen us in 10+ years?

flantastic

kae07 said:

Am I missing that it's actually part of the day to have our friends there? As the day is to celebrate the union between us, and OUR friends actually care about the union between the two of us? While our parents friends haven't seen us in 10+ years?

ONLY IF YOU PAY FOR IT.

novella1186

flantastic said:

kae07 said:

Am I missing that it's actually part of the day to have our friends there? As the day is to celebrate the union between us, and OUR friends actually care about the union between the two of us? While our parents friends haven't seen us in 10+ years?

ONLY IF YOU PAY FOR IT.

This is why posters keep telling you to decline your FMIL's money. If she's paying, then she gets to have input, which includes inviting her friends. 

flantastic

novella1186 said:

flantastic said:

kae07 said:

Am I missing that it's actually part of the day to have our friends there? As the day is to celebrate the union between us, and OUR friends actually care about the union between the two of us? While our parents friends haven't seen us in 10+ years?

ONLY IF YOU PAY FOR IT.

This is why posters keep telling you to decline your FMIL's money. If she's paying, then she gets to have input, which includes inviting her friends. 

And this is why CMG is up in arms about entitlement. Sure, have a wedding day with all your friends and the people you care about. Save your own money to make it happen. Or don't and then you don't have the money to have anything more than a courthouse wedding, which is perfectly fine. But you cannot expect that you are owed a particular wedding day vision and it's your family's responsibility to pay for it.

abl13

Are you missing that it's rude to demand that other people pay for your party?

kae07

We're paying for parts of it too, things including alcohol for the reception, that's something that does factor on guests included, we're paying for the rehearsal dinner and drinks there, along with that venue. We're paying for the church and everything related to that, LITERALLY the only things we have asked for their help with is dinner and the DJ. Nothing else. So, I can easily ask them to not pay for anything and be just fine. I'm having a wedding in my budget, which is what I wanted. I wanted it to be something affordable. 

So, I will take said advice, and we will just continue our planning, we can pay for things and do as we please.

kae07

abl13 said:

Are you missing that it's rude to demand that other people pay for your party?

I never demanded anything, we asked, they had every right to say no, and they knew that. And on top of that, my FI thought it would be okay to ask. I wouldn't have asked if he said no way. We discussed it, he said it wouldn't be a problem, because he honestly thought there would be no issue. When it was discussed with him in the beginning it was 'just let us know where you would like us to help out financially.' That's all that he was told. We tend to handle our own sides of the family, but we're united in decisions. So, again, I did not demand anything.

plainjane0415

kae07 said:

abl13 said:

Are you missing that it's rude to demand that other people pay for your party?

I never demanded anything, we asked, they had every right to say no, and they knew that. And on top of that, my FI thought it would be okay to ask. I wouldn't have asked if he said no way. We discussed it, he said it wouldn't be a problem, because he honestly thought there would be no issue. When it was discussed with him in the beginning it was 'just let us know where you would like us to help out financially.' That's all that he was told. We tend to handle our own sides of the family, but we're united in decisions. So, again, I did not demand anything.

They did, but the fact is (not to be backtracking) you shouldn't have asked for them to pay for anything. People will say things in the heat of a moment to avoid an awkward situation.  They then may think about it and change their mind.  That's why it's not a good idea to ask for money because it comes with strings.

kae07

plainjane0415 said:

kae07 said:

abl13 said:

Are you missing that it's rude to demand that other people pay for your party?

I never demanded anything, we asked, they had every right to say no, and they knew that. And on top of that, my FI thought it would be okay to ask. I wouldn't have asked if he said no way. We discussed it, he said it wouldn't be a problem, because he honestly thought there would be no issue. When it was discussed with him in the beginning it was 'just let us know where you would like us to help out financially.' That's all that he was told. We tend to handle our own sides of the family, but we're united in decisions. So, again, I did not demand anything.

They did, but the fact is (not to be backtracking) you shouldn't have asked for them to pay for anything. People will say things in the heat of a moment to avoid an awkward situation.  They then may think about it and change their mind.  That's why it's not a good idea to ask for money because it comes with strings.

And what's worse (and probably most frustrating), is that I should know better. I'll admit that one right away. My FI and I have had issues with me knowing that everything comes with strings attached. He just really wanted to ask them to help with this, and because I feel like he should be included and if he feels comfortable with that, then I should too. Plus I just didn't want to argue it with him...

kae07

scribe95 said:

Am I missing the part where the bride and groom are paying for any part of this wedding other than sandwiches? Seriously, be adults. Pay for your own wedding and stop criticizing his parents for wanting control over their own money.

In an above post I said that we have only asked them if they would pay for two things, half of the dinner and a DJ. Again, we can afford to do that, but when they offered to help, my FI wanted to accept.

flantastic

kae07 said:

scribe95 said:

Am I missing the part where the bride and groom are paying for any part of this wedding other than sandwiches? Seriously, be adults. Pay for your own wedding and stop criticizing his parents for wanting control over their own money.

In an above post I said that we have only asked them if they would pay for two things, half of the dinner and a DJ. Again, we can afford to do that, but when they offered to help, my FI wanted to accept.

I think the issue is arising because most people (myself included) usually take "wedding dinner" to mean the entire cost of the reception venue, including space, dinner, alcohol, service, and whatever else. If it is literally just the food they are paying for, that's still a hefty chunk which give them significant input about the guests, but is not the cost of hosting the guests for the entire wedding.

kae07

flantastic said:

kae07 said:

scribe95 said:

Am I missing the part where the bride and groom are paying for any part of this wedding other than sandwiches? Seriously, be adults. Pay for your own wedding and stop criticizing his parents for wanting control over their own money.

In an above post I said that we have only asked them if they would pay for two things, half of the dinner and a DJ. Again, we can afford to do that, but when they offered to help, my FI wanted to accept.

I think the issue is arising because most people (myself included) usually take "wedding dinner" to mean the entire cost of the reception venue, including space, dinner, alcohol, service, and whatever else. If it is literally just the food they are paying for, that's still a hefty chunk which give them significant input about the guests, but is not the cost of hosting the guests for the entire wedding.

Oh my goodness, NO, I just meant the food, literally, the dinner alone. That's my bad. We're even taking care of our own cake. It is still a chunk I realize, I'm not arguing that point. It's just that when other people are helping to pay for the reception items, FI and I included in that, we should get some of the guest list too. 

And I'm sorry that my parents wanting to do help with this seems wrong, they are not paying for everything. I've even refused some of the things they want to pay for that we do not want. They aren't just handing over money, it's for things they want to pay for. They've said no if it's something they find unnecessary. I don't think I've had that, but in the beginning phases of talking about things when everything is just an image in your mind, well let's just say it can get out of hand. 

[Deleted User]

Excuse me, but my FI's friends take up another 25% and his family takes up about 15%. Please, tell me where I'm so entitled to be asking for them to help pay to feed their friends and family. I didn't want an expensive wedding, I have been keeping things in budget, thank you very much. We can only have 200 people, that's it. He has a large family. My family's friends don't get to be invited. Why should my family have to pay to feed 75% of people that aren't there for our side?

If they didn't want to help pay for half of the dinner, then they should have said up front we only want to pay for this, this and this. Instead, they said please, tell us what you would like for us to pay for. Don't offer and then take it back.

So, please don't assume too quickly that I'm being entitled when I'm trying to stick to a budget, not get out of control on spending.

To the bolded: A wedding is not tit for tat!!!!! Your reception is a thank you, from you and your husband, for your guests attending the ceremony. You don't divy up the cost based on whose side the guests are on. That is just rude and ungracious. Your wedding is the joining of two lives together... 

As PPs have stated, you should never never never never never ask someone to pay for anything in your wedding!! If you are paying for it yourselves, then you do not have to invite their friends. Invite whomever you wish. If they are offering to pay, understand that this means they get to have a say in things. Not that they are given free reign to control everything, but they are fully within their rights to have a say in how their contribution is spent. 

Your choices are A) accept that a financial contribution from anyone means that they have a say in how that money is spent B ) have the wedding that you and your fiance can afford on your own dime. You can not expect or ask that people will pay for your wedding, and you certainly can't do that and then be upset with them when they have a different idea than you in terms of how their hard-earned monetary GIFT is spent. You can't tell others how to spend their money. 

Bottom line: no one HAS to do anything. no one should be expected to do anything. And enough with this his and hers side crap. Period.   

Edit because a random sunglasses smiley appeared in my post.....

JellyBean52513

scribe95 said:

But your parents are paying for lots of stuff too. I just don't see you guys actually paying for your own wedding. That rubs me the wrong way.

That's not your place to judge. It's perfectly ok for a parent to want to provide financial support for their child's wedding, because even though they may be adults, they're still children to their parents. I get it, I'm not going to have a cent given to me by anyone when I get married one day and I'll be paying for the whole thing myself, but that doesn't mean I get to be bitter towards people whose parents are able and willing to help them out with such an important event.