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Wedding 911

Need help with my family having differing opinions

I am getting married in September 2015 and have run into a lot of problems trying to plan a wedding with my mom. So far, my fiancé and I have compromised on everything. We have agreed to have the ceremony and reception at the only venue that my mom approved of, even though it wasn't what we wanted. This is also the same ceremony site and reception venue that my sister had two years ago. My fiancé and I have suggested to my parents that we are happy to pay for the whole wedding ourselves so that we could plan what we want, but my parents refuse. They are insulted that we would even offer. My mom told me it is the bride's parents party. So far, I have caved to everything my mom wants and every detail is a battle with her. If I suggest anything that differs from what my sister did two years ago, or something that my mom doesn't like, she becomes hysterical and calls me selfish. I told her weddings are about compromise on all sides, but I have yet to see any compromise from her. I feel so stuck and I'm ready to elope even though I know that it would hurt my family. What should I do?

Re: Need help with my family having differing opinions

  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its

    Tell her to cancel the wedding because you're going to elope. That should get her attention. Of course you have to be prepared to follow through. My mother pulled the same crap on me 36 years ago when I got married. Any difference of opinion was settled by her reminding me that it was their money and their party. The whole wedding planning process was a miserable experience. I wish I had eloped.



                       
    [Deleted User]
  • Pay for your wedding yourself and do as you like. She can't stop you.
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    [Deleted User]
  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    I am getting married in September 2015 and have run into a lot of problems trying to plan a wedding with my mom. So far, my fiancé and I have compromised on everything. We have agreed to have the ceremony and reception at the only venue that my mom approved of, even though it wasn't what we wanted. This is also the same ceremony site and reception venue that my sister had two years ago. My fiancé and I have suggested to my parents that we are happy to pay for the whole wedding ourselves so that we could plan what we want, but my parents refuse. They are insulted that we would even offer. My mom told me it is the bride's parents party. So far, I have caved to everything my mom wants and every detail is a battle with her. If I suggest anything that differs from what my sister did two years ago, or something that my mom doesn't like, she becomes hysterical and calls me selfish. I told her weddings are about compromise on all sides, but I have yet to see any compromise from her. I feel so stuck and I'm ready to elope even though I know that it would hurt my family. What should I do?
    Pay her back the money she's already put in and have a wedding/reception you can afford. If that's elopement, that's perfectly fine. Money always comes with strings, just some strings are bigger. "Thank you so much for the money for our wedding, Mom, but we've decided we're going to do this one on our own." 

    And if she tries to engage on the subject, just dodge her.

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    [Deleted User]
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I am getting married in September 2015 and have run into a lot of problems trying to plan a wedding with my mom. So far, my fiancé and I have compromised on everything. We have agreed to have the ceremony and reception at the only venue that my mom approved of, even though it wasn't what we wanted. This is also the same ceremony site and reception venue that my sister had two years ago. My fiancé and I have suggested to my parents that we are happy to pay for the whole wedding ourselves so that we could plan what we want, but my parents refuse. They are insulted that we would even offer. My mom told me it is the bride's parents party. So far, I have caved to everything my mom wants and every detail is a battle with her. If I suggest anything that differs from what my sister did two years ago, or something that my mom doesn't like, she becomes hysterical and calls me selfish. I told her weddings are about compromise on all sides, but I have yet to see any compromise from her. I feel so stuck and I'm ready to elope even though I know that it would hurt my family. What should I do?

    You have two options, neither of which will avoid your mother's drama.

    1) Refuse her money and elope

    2) Refuse her money and plan a different wedding

    It is clear she will be insulted either way, so plan whatever kind of wedding you want that you can afford. It is not worth it to continue this way.

    Anniversary

    weddingcactusKnottie4896169 [Deleted User]
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You are (presumably) adults.  So no one can "make" you do anything.  But they can make you feel like you have no other option.  That is called manipulation, and it is not a loving action in the slightest.  Take charge and set boundaries.  If you don't set them now, your family will continue to try and control and manipulate you throughout your marriage.  If you are planning on having kids, it will become ten times worse.  So stop it now.  Return their money and either pay for the wedding yourselves (refusing any of their input) or elope. 

    Your mom isn't going to be happy regardless of what happens. She just likes knowing she can manipulate you to get what she wants.  I cannot emphasize enough how important boundaries are.  It might be painful at first, but in the end you will be so much happier when you are free from the hysterics and manipulating guilt trips.  Even though you might feel powerless right now, you actually hold all of the power since you can afford the wedding without their assistance. They're just not expecting you to call their bluff. Pay for it or elope, and if they try to bring the wedding up, change the subject or let them know that the topic is closed. 


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    drunkenwitch
  • No, a wedding is not a brides parents party. It is a wedding. The fact that she called it that would have me running for the hills. It truly sounds like she wants your wedding to look good on her and only her, and does not care about your happiness much, if at all. You stated that you and your fiance can finance everything you would like. Do it. You won't regret it when you look back at your pictures in a few years and see genuine happiness as opposed to awkward forced smiles.
    Knottie4896169 simcal18[Deleted User]
  • levioosa said:
    You are (presumably) adults.  So no one can "make" you do anything.  But they can make you feel like you have no other option.  That is called manipulation, and it is not a loving action in the slightest.  Take charge and set boundaries.  If you don't set them now, your family will continue to try and control and manipulate you throughout your marriage.  If you are planning on having kids, it will become ten times worse.  So stop it now.  Return their money and either pay for the wedding yourselves (refusing any of their input) or elope. 

    Your mom isn't going to be happy regardless of what happens. She just likes knowing she can manipulate you to get what she wants.  I cannot emphasize enough how important boundaries are.  It might be painful at first, but in the end you will be so much happier when you are free from the hysterics and manipulating guilt trips.  Even though you might feel powerless right now, you actually hold all of the power since you can afford the wedding without their assistance. They're just not expecting you to call their bluff. Pay for it or elope, and if they try to bring the wedding up, change the subject or let them know that the topic is closed. 
    So much this.  My family used to make me miserable, now I have boundaries, and consequences when said boundaries are trampled.   Being around my family is pleasent now.

  • I think a really good question here is why your mom is being so controlling. Was she like this with your sister? Is she trying to impress someone? Is she always like this?

    If you can figure out why she's in hysterics that might go a long way toward figuring out how to defuse her.

    But I'm going to agree with everyone else. She's already taken all the fun out of planning the wedding. Don't let her take all the fun out of your wedding too. If you can afford to pay for your own wedding, do it. If she continues to be this unpleasant, I'd tell her she won't be invited to the wedding unless she agrees to calm down, put a smile on her face and join the fun.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I would pay for your wedding yourselves and not talk to her about the plans.  Your mother won't be happy no matter what you decide to do.
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