Wedding Etiquette Forum

I don't even know what to say (vent and advice needed)

A little background: FI and I had decided to invite only our closest family to the wedding. We set the cut-off at people we see once every two years, so my great aunt would be invited (we’re close) but her adult children would not (I barely know them and don’t care much for them). My aunt was talking about how she was looking forward to traveling with her daughter A to the wedding, and then on Christmas Eve she cornered me and basically said that she expected an invitation for her other daughter J, in addition to A (I posted about it in this thread: http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1047662/sticky-invitation-situation-wwyd). My solution was to address her invitation to Aunt Sally and Guest, and if she came back and said she had already booked travel for both daughters I would tell her that’s fine.

So today she sent this email that says, “Here are some addresses for your wedding invitations!” Then she listed the addresses for:

Herself
Daughter A
Daughter J [Note that J’s husband D will not plan to attend]
Another aunt and uncle I haven’t spoken to in 10 years (but she keeps telling me I should invite them)
Favorite aunt and uncle who will actually be invited, and their children

The email ends with a little PS on the etiquette of addressing invitations.


image


I am fuming right now. My aunt is always in everyone’s business, and she thinks she’s Miss Manners but has no problem being rude or passive-aggressive when it suits her. I have no intention of sending an invitation to A or J, because then we would have to invite their SO’s and they’d probably want to bring the kids too, and their brother would probably expect an invitation as well. We just don’t have room for those extra people. And on principle, I’m not going to do it just because my aunt is trying to push me into it. At this point I could not care less about whether my aunt thinks it’s rude of me to address her invitation as “and guest”.

So my question is, WTF do I do with this email? It’s a lot easier to beandip in person, or when there’s other stuff in the email that I could respond to and gloss over the issue, but there isn't. I have no idea how to respond to this. Do I just say thanks, and then wait for the reaction when my cousins don’t get an invitation? Or do I try (again) to let her know that we don’t intend to invite all the extended family? Is there some magic wording for that?

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Re: I don't even know what to say (vent and advice needed)

  • blabla89 said:

    A little background: FI and I had decided to invite only our closest family to the wedding. We set the cut-off at people we see once every two years, so my great aunt would be invited (we’re close) but her adult children would not (I barely know them and don’t care much for them). My aunt was talking about how she was looking forward to traveling with her daughter A to the wedding, and then on Christmas Eve she cornered me and basically said that she expected an invitation for her other daughter J, in addition to A (I posted about it in this thread: http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1047662/sticky-invitation-situation-wwyd). My solution was to address her invitation to Aunt Sally and Guest, and if she came back and said she had already booked travel for both daughters I would tell her that’s fine.

    So today she sent this email that says, “Here are some addresses for your wedding invitations!” Then she listed the addresses for:

    Herself
    Daughter A
    Daughter J [Note that J’s husband D will not plan to attend]
    Another aunt and uncle I haven’t spoken to in 10 years (but she keeps telling me I should invite them)
    Favorite aunt and uncle who will actually be invited, and their children

    The email ends with a little PS on the etiquette of addressing invitations.


    image


    I am fuming right now. My aunt is always in everyone’s business, and she thinks she’s Miss Manners but has no problem being rude or passive-aggressive when it suits her. I have no intention of sending an invitation to A or J, because then we would have to invite their SO’s and they’d probably want to bring the kids too, and their brother would probably expect an invitation as well. We just don’t have room for those extra people. And on principle, I’m not going to do it just because my aunt is trying to push me into it. At this point I could not care less about whether my aunt thinks it’s rude of me to address her invitation as “and guest”.

    So my question is, WTF do I do with this email? It’s a lot easier to beandip in person, or when there’s other stuff in the email that I could respond to and gloss over the issue, but there isn't. I have no idea how to respond to this. Do I just say thanks, and then wait for the reaction when my cousins don’t get an invitation? Or do I try (again) to let her know that we don’t intend to invite all the extended family? Is there some magic wording for that?

    Yep, that's what I'd do.

    However, if you think that she has already verbally invited these other people I might respond to the email and tell her thanks for her address, however you are not able to invite the others she listed and then leave it at that.

    If she follows up with an email or a phone call or in person just keep saying, "I'm sorry, but we aren't able to invite XYZ"  Then bean dip and walk away.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • "Thanks, I have the guest list under control." 
    Or just not respond at all. When I get super annoying/rude emails, sometimes I just hit delete and don't bother. 
    image
  • "Thanks Aunt Sally, but FI and I already have our guest list finalized."

     

    You don't want her verbally inviting these people becaause she thinks she got them a spot on the list.

    This is what I would do. 
  • My advice is the same I gave in your previous post about your aunt. Invite her with a plus one and be done with it. She is pushy and rude and you don't need to bow to her wants. It seems like she is the type of person where if you give her an inch she will take a mile. Don't give her an inch.


  • Gosh darn that silly spam filter! I guess that's why you won't respond to dear aunt and will be blissfully ignorant if she brings up daughters/rando aunt/uncles in person.

    And the PS of address etiquette? I'm raging on your behalf. Someone should sent her a PS of not dictating a guest list of an event you aren't hosting/paying for.

    BOX

    DITTO THIS!!
    ________________________________


  • scribe95 said:
    I would be straightforward and move on. 

    "Sorry, aunt X. We just can't accommodate everyone. We won't be able to invite X and X. Can't wait to see you at the wedding."

    Repeat as necessary.
    I'd do something like this. I'd be direct, to try to end the conversation, instead of dancing around it.

    "Sorry Aunt X, but our guest list is already final and we just can't accomodate everyone. We're happy to invite you with a guest so you're able to bring a travel companion, but we are unable to invite your daughters X and Y. We look forward to seeing you at the wedding, and perhaps we could all get together for a big family reunion some other time to catch up with everyone!".
  • It sounds like this needs to be dealt with a very firm, straight forward manner, letting her know that only she and her (one) guest are invited. Ignoring her may only come across as consenting to her inviting everyone else. 
    image
  • blabla89 said:

    A little background: FI and I had decided to invite only our closest family to the wedding. We set the cut-off at people we see once every two years, so my great aunt would be invited (we’re close) but her adult children would not (I barely know them and don’t care much for them). My aunt was talking about how she was looking forward to traveling with her daughter A to the wedding, and then on Christmas Eve she cornered me and basically said that she expected an invitation for her other daughter J, in addition to A (I posted about it in this thread: http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1047662/sticky-invitation-situation-wwyd). My solution was to address her invitation to Aunt Sally and Guest, and if she came back and said she had already booked travel for both daughters I would tell her that’s fine.

    So today she sent this email that says, “Here are some addresses for your wedding invitations!” Then she listed the addresses for:

    Herself
    Daughter A
    Daughter J [Note that J’s husband D will not plan to attend]
    Another aunt and uncle I haven’t spoken to in 10 years (but she keeps telling me I should invite them)
    Favorite aunt and uncle who will actually be invited, and their children

    The email ends with a little PS on the etiquette of addressing invitations.


    image


    I am fuming right now. My aunt is always in everyone’s business, and she thinks she’s Miss Manners but has no problem being rude or passive-aggressive when it suits her. I have no intention of sending an invitation to A or J, because then we would have to invite their SO’s and they’d probably want to bring the kids too, and their brother would probably expect an invitation as well. We just don’t have room for those extra people. And on principle, I’m not going to do it just because my aunt is trying to push me into it. At this point I could not care less about whether my aunt thinks it’s rude of me to address her invitation as “and guest”.

    So my question is, WTF do I do with this email? It’s a lot easier to beandip in person, or when there’s other stuff in the email that I could respond to and gloss over the issue, but there isn't. I have no idea how to respond to this. Do I just say thanks, and then wait for the reaction when my cousins don’t get an invitation? Or do I try (again) to let her know that we don’t intend to invite all the extended family? Is there some magic wording for that?


    If I were in your shoes, and  she were being that annoying and passive agressive, I would think  about not inviting her all together.  It's very rude what she is doing, and if I were you, I wouldn't have much patience for that.  But that's me :)

    She can't tell you who to invite. 

    If you can't "not" invite her, then I like your original idea of addressing the envelope aunt and guest. And if all else fails, this is the plan I would stick with and bean dip if she continues to push.

    image
  • Because I dealt with some serious passive-aggressive BS about my guest list, I'm going to suggest that you are direct with her and tell her again that she will be invited with a travel companion and none of those other people are invited. People who push like that will continue to do so and she's going to assume that she's getting her way if you ignore her. 
    image
  • I would be pretending that email got lost out in cyberspace.

  • Thank you ladies for the advice!

    At a family gathering around Christmas time, the wedding came up and I made a clear point of saying "we are keeping the wedding small, with only our closest family" in hopes that she'd take the hint, but she didn't (she cornered me about inviting her daughters the next day).

    Would it be rude or out of line for me to say something like, "As I mentioned at Christmas, we've decided to have a small wedding with only our closest family and friends"?
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited February 2015
    I'd tell her, "Thanks, Aunt Sally, but only you and A are invited. It is not possible for FI and I to extend any additional invitations to the others on your list. We look forward to seeing you and A at our wedding." Ignore any subsequent BS from her indicating that she wants you to invite or plans to bring anyone else, but be prepared to turn any invited guests of hers away if she shows up with them anyhow.
  • If you stick to the closest family and friends line, Aunt will probably think that still includes all of the people she mentioned.  Use PP wording to more directly tell her that only her and a guest are invited.

  • Ditto PPS. Your Aunt doesn't give two hoots about whether or not you're uncomfortable with her approach. And she may like her power over you. Don't give it to her when it isn't her event to control.
  • I would definitely be clear and direct. "Thank you for the suggestions, but our guest and address list has already been finalized, and unfortunately does not include (all these randos). We're looking forward to seeing you!"

    Then mark her as spam.

    image
    image
  • "Dear Aunt BossyAsHell,

    I appreciate you sending me your address for my wedding invitations.  As we previously discussed, my FI and I have mutually agreed that X,Y, and Z will not be invited to our wedding.  I appreciate your concern and desire to spend time with your children, but attempting to force them onto my guest list is inappropriate and will not result in you getting your way.

    If you would like to see Johnny, Suzie, and Alice, I recommend hosting a party of your own and inviting them to it.

    Can't wait to see you at the wedding.

    Warmest regards,

    DoneWithTheBullshit"


    Perhaps a bit direct....but if only you could say that...
  • I'm sure I'm late to the party, but my response would be:

    Aunt Rudeness,
    Thank you for getting me you and favorite aunt/uncles addresses.  I actually didn't need the others for the wedding since we're unable to extend invitations to them but they will be handy to have if we decide to send out Christmas cards this year.

    Looking forward to seeing you!
    Annathy

    Something straightforward but not rude- while I'd be tempted as hell to put a PS referring to her poor etiquette, I wouldn't end up going through with it.
  • I think PPs have had great advice on how to handle and word a very appropriate and tactful response!

    I, for one, would pretend it had gotten lost in cyberspace or my spam box. I can't handle shit like that.
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