Courthouse wedding Etiquette

jrich29

One of our  friends have decided not to have a wedding and to just get married at the courthouse. Which is perfectly fine! However she keeps sending us a link to donate money to their honeymoon because they don't want any presents ONLY money. 

My fiance is annoyed by this he says no wedding no gift. 

What is the proper way to handle a situation like this? 

flantastic

jrich29 said:

One of our  friends have decided not to have a wedding and to just get married at the courthouse. Which is perfectly fine! However she keeps sending us a link to donate money to their honeymoon because they don't want any presents ONLY money. 

My fiance is annoyed by this he says no wedding no gift. 

What is the proper way to handle a situation like this? 

The courthouse day is their wedding. It's a wedding. You're just not invited.

I wouldn't send a gift either, but I'd do that if I was invited to the wedding and they asked for cash gifts. What they're doing is rather rude and entitled.

zitiqueen

jrich29 said:

One of our  friends have decided not to have a wedding and to just get married at the courthouse. Which is perfectly fine! However she keeps sending us a link to donate money to their honeymoon because they don't want any presents ONLY money. 

My fiance is annoyed by this he says no wedding no gift. 

What is the proper way to handle a situation like this? 

All of this is horrible, including you thinking a courthouse wedding doesn't count. 

bethsmiles

I'm with your FI. I'd be so annoyed at their rudeness that I wouldn't feel like giving them a gift at all.

ETA: And your friend is having a wedding. Courthouse weddings are weddings.

MadHops21

A wedding is marriage ceremony, where a couple gets married. Courthouse is a wedding, even though there are no BMs or flowers or a big meal or first dance. 

I wouldn't send anything because you weren't invited their wedding. I know people tend to think of a wedding as a big celebration, but a courthouse visit is the wedding. 

PrettyGirlLost

I wouldn't send a gift either if I wasn't invited to the wedding, and it sounds like you guys are not invited to the wedding.

jrich29

zitiqueen said:

jrich29 said:

One of our  friends have decided not to have a wedding and to just get married at the courthouse. Which is perfectly fine! However she keeps sending us a link to donate money to their honeymoon because they don't want any presents ONLY money. 

My fiance is annoyed by this he says no wedding no gift. 

What is the proper way to handle a situation like this? 

All of this is horrible, including you thinking a courthouse wedding doesn't count. 

OK  I didn't mean that Courthouse weddings aren't weddings I meant they aren't having a reception frilly wedding. I understand its a wedding.  

She is the one that keeps saying they aren't having a wedding.

 Sorry it came off that way! But that isn't answering the actual question

floridabride44

In any situation, if I'm not invited to the wedding I'm generally not going to send a gift. But ESPECIALLY not if the couple is being gift-grabby and sending around a Honeyfund link. Gross. Your FI has a right to be annoyed.

aurianna

What your friend is doing is rude regardless of what kind of wedding she's having.

Honeyfunds and/or asking specifically for cash is always rude.
Sending links to people asking for presents is always super rude.

Though sending links, asking for money, from people who aren't even invited might be even ruder!


It is never appropriate to ask for gifts, even if you're having a large wedding.
It's never appropriate to try to dictate the type of gift someone gives you.
It's definitely never appropriate to constantly send out solicitations for presents.

Your friend is being really tacky.


A gift is NEVER required, even if you are invited to the wedding. So you never must give one. And in this case, because you weren't even invited, you shouldn't even feel compelled.

If you want to give her a card or a gift, go ahead, but you are in NO way obligated to, and if I were you, I'd be totally turned off by her behavior and really not want to give one.

Maggie0829

They are asking you to fund their vacation.  Unless you regularly give money so other people can go on a vacation then your course of action is to give them nothing.

mlg78

I wouldn't send a gift to a wedding I'm not invited to.

novella1186

If I'm not invited to the wedding, I do not feel inclined to send a gift. Nope. And I definitely wouldn't be handing over cash to pay for that couple to go on a vacation (because a honeymoon is just a vacation). 

That would be like asking my friends to pay for me to go to the movies or out to dinner but they're not invited to come along. I just want money from other people to fund my fun. Rude. 

levioosa

Gross.  I see a PPD looming in the near future. 

As far as how to handle it, I definitely wouldn't give them a gift. How incredibly rude of them to not only demand a gift, but also to dictate the way they want it! 

Retaliate with a link to the E Board here. 

ETA: I don't know if the above is etiquette approved, but it's what I would be tempted to do.

southernbelle0915

Ugh these people are super tacky asking people for cash. I'm with your FI. No way.

climbingsingle

Ignore, ignore, ignore. 

tammym1001

I'm going to ignore the asking for cash thing, but I disagree with your FI about no wedding, no gift. If this is someone you are close to and you want to give them a gift to celebrate their marriage then it shouldn't matter how they got married. I give gifts because I want to, not because they invite me to a celebration. I've given several wedding gifts to people who weren't able to invite me to their wedding. 

Fairyjen1

  I had a cousin get married at the courthouse. They were only allowed to have 6 people total including the bride and groom so only their mom's and the brides 2 kids from the previous marriage were invited (there wasn't even room for the dads). That was their wedding, no AHRs or larger celebrations later. 

  Because I am close to my cousin I did send them a gift to celebrate their marriage even though I wasn't invited to the wedding. If I'm close to a person I send a gift whether I'm invited or not because I like sending gifts. I had a very small wedding myself so I understand not everyone wants to/ is able invite everyone they share DNA with.  My cousin in no way asked and was not even registered anywhere. 

  If my cousin had advertised a go fund me I'd probably not have sent anything, and I'm hard to offend for the most part. 

kimberly0315

Personally, I would send them a card and that's it.  No gift, especially not to fund their holiday.

VulgarGirl

[Deleted User]

A courthouse wedding is a wedding. 

But yes, totally understand the annoyance with the honeyfund. If you want to get them something, get them a card congratulating them on their marriage. Otherwise, ignore their rude request. 

jrich29

jenandtonic81515 said:

A courthouse wedding is a wedding. 

But yes, totally understand the annoyance with the honeyfund. If you want to get them something, get them a card congratulating them on their marriage. Otherwise, ignore their rude request. 

As I posted before I KNOW that Courthouse marriages are considered a wedding. 

She is the one that keeps saying they aren't having a wedding. So I was just using her language to get my point across. 

Dreamergirl8812

jrich29 said:

jenandtonic81515 said:

A courthouse wedding is a wedding. 

But yes, totally understand the annoyance with the honeyfund. If you want to get them something, get them a card congratulating them on their marriage. Otherwise, ignore their rude request. 

As I posted before I KNOW that Courthouse marriages are considered a wedding. 

She is the one that keeps saying they aren't having a wedding. So I was just using her language to get my point across. 

Is that the only part of the above posts that you are going to acknowledge?

mlg78

Dreamergirl8812 said:

jrich29 said:

jenandtonic81515 said:

A courthouse wedding is a wedding. 

But yes, totally understand the annoyance with the honeyfund. If you want to get them something, get them a card congratulating them on their marriage. Otherwise, ignore their rude request. 

As I posted before I KNOW that Courthouse marriages are considered a wedding. 

She is the one that keeps saying they aren't having a wedding. So I was just using her language to get my point across. 

Is that the only part of the above posts that you are going to acknowledge?

What is it that you want her to acknowledge?  Clearly everyone agrees about the gift giving.  It was a poor use of words about the wedding/marriage.  I understood what OP was trying to convey.

[Deleted User]

jrich29 said:

jenandtonic81515 said:

A courthouse wedding is a wedding. 

But yes, totally understand the annoyance with the honeyfund. If you want to get them something, get them a card congratulating them on their marriage. Otherwise, ignore their rude request. 

As I posted before I KNOW that Courthouse marriages are considered a wedding. 

She is the one that keeps saying they aren't having a wedding. So I was just using her language to get my point across. 

Sorry OP, I missed your comment about knowing that courthouse weddings are real weddings! Completely my mistake. 

theartistformerlyknownas

I might send a congratulatory gift for a wedding to which I was not invited, but I would NOT if they dictated what gift they wanted, and especially not honeyfund.

In this situation, I'd probably send an empty card.

huskypuppy14

Wait, so they're spamming your email with links to their honeyfund? Who does that? 

That's bad no matter what type of wedding you have, but it's even more ridiculous because you're not invited to the wedding. 

lovesclimbing

jrich29 said:

One of our  friends have decided not to have a wedding and to just get married at the courthouse. Which is perfectly fine! However she keeps sending us a link to donate money to their honeymoon because they don't want any presents ONLY money. 

My fiance is annoyed by this he says no wedding no gift. 

What is the proper way to handle a situation like this? 

Your fiance is wrong. Gifts are never required regardless of the type of wedding - elopement, courthouse, 10 people, 50 people, 100 people, 200 people, 500 people, cake and punch, brunch, sit-down plated dinner, whatever.  The type of wedding is irrelevant.

It's really up to you guys whether or not you want to send a gift. I have sent gifts to people when I haven't been invited to the wedding. Just did that a couple months ago, actually. That person was and still is my friend even though I wasn't invited to the wedding. Also, (better be sitting down, ladies ) I gave a bridal shower gift to a person when I was invited to the shower but not the wedding and couldn't even attend the shower due to travel.

I wouldn't donate to the honeymoon registry, but depending on the friend, how close I am with them, my finances, etc. I would likely still send them a gift.

They want no physical gifts, so maybe just a card?

bizzy592

tammym1001 said:

I'm going to ignore the asking for cash thing, but I disagree with your FI about no wedding, no gift. If this is someone you are close to and you want to give them a gift to celebrate their marriage then it shouldn't matter how they got married. I give gifts because I want to, not because they invite me to a celebration. I've given several wedding gifts to people who weren't able to invite me to their wedding. 

The difference between what you're saying, and the situation of the OP, is that you are choosing to be generous - they're being solicited for cash.

LtPowers

lizabobiza said:

tammym1001 said:

I'm going to ignore the asking for cash thing, but I disagree with your FI about no wedding, no gift. If this is someone you are close to and you want to give them a gift to celebrate their marriage then it shouldn't matter how they got married. I give gifts because I want to, not because they invite me to a celebration. I've given several wedding gifts to people who weren't able to invite me to their wedding. 

The difference between what you're saying, and the situation of the OP, is that you are choosing to be generous - they're being solicited for cash.

Very true. I think Tammy was responding to the "no wedding, no gift" stance, and I have to agree. Wedding gifts are given to mark the passage of two people into a new phase in their lives, not simply to mark an event.

Of course, gifts are never really obligatory. But the rule of thumb is, if you feel close enough to a couple to accept their wedding invitation, that's close enough to warrant a gift to mark their new phase of life. I believe that rule of thumb can be applied even in the absence of an invitation.

[Deleted User]

I would delete the links & just send a congratulations card with nothing in it.

Typically people give gifts when they are invited to the ceremony/reception. Since you have not been invited don't feel obligated to give them a gift. If you choose to give them a gift despite not being invited, that is your call, but your friend is rude to send out that link to anyone that isn't invited. If someone were to ask her, we would like to get you a gift, where are you registered, then she can provide that link. Depending on how close of a friend we are, I would probably give them a gift card to a local resturant just to spite them...lol

annathy03

I wouldn't send anything beyond a card of well wishes for their marriage.

If I'm not invited but want to send a gift I will, but if someone solicits me for one it no longer feels like a fun or thoughtful thing to do, it feels like I'm just feeding their expectations.  If someone sucks the fun out of gift-giving like that then I'm not giving them a gift.