My daughter - need advice

VulgarGirl

Your daughter was/is upset because other girls are being mean. Your first reaction should not be "I need to reach out to internet people!", you went to high school, yes? Kids were mean then, this is not a new phenomenon. What did you want your parents to do?

I wanted comfort. I didn't want solutions, because grown up world solutions don't work in high school (and sometimes not even in grown up world). So, when your kid comes home crying about the mean girls you hug her and you tell her "They are wrong, someday you won't have to deal with them anymore, keep telling the coach, and if you want me to intervene on your behalf I will, but it is your call. I love you" and then keep repeating that. 

Hell, I think it's awesome she's coming to you. I didn't always go to my parents because I thought I deserved what was happening to me and that I shouldn't worry them with my problems. I know now that was stupid. They're parents, they're in a never ending cycle of worry about me, they want to hear my problems. Fuck they still worry about me. So she's coming to you, because she needs comfort and a listing ear. LISTEN TO HER. COMFORT HER. She's your kid, you've been on the job for 14 years now, you should know how to do this.

nhultberg461

I have attempted to call him on numerous other items, but he does not answer his phone. Yes you are all nice knotties, and I appreciate the advice, but I do hit a wall when it comes to discussing the kids with their dad. I have tried numerous times with him, but he does not communicate with me. He doesn't even answer the phone when I call. I'm truly afraid of what would honestly happen if something seriously happened to one of the kids, and they didn't answer. I've tried texting, emailing and calling about things. Believe me I wouldn't be on here asking for advice.

nhultberg461

MagicInk said:

Your daughter was/is upset because other girls are being mean. Your first reaction should not be "I need to reach out to internet people!", you went to high school, yes? Kids were mean then, this is not a new phenomenon. What did you want your parents to do?

I wanted comfort. I didn't want solutions, because grown up world solutions don't work in high school (and sometimes not even in grown up world). So, when your kid comes home crying about the mean girls you hug her and you tell her "They are wrong, someday you won't have to deal with them anymore, keep telling the coach, and if you want me to intervene on your behalf I will, but it is your call. I love you" and then keep repeating that. 

Hell, I think it's awesome she's coming to you. I didn't always go to my parents because I thought I deserved what was happening to me and that I shouldn't worry them with my problems. I know now that was stupid. They're parents, they're in a never ending cycle of worry about me, they want to hear my problems. Fuck they still worry about me. So she's coming to you, because she needs comfort and a listing ear. LISTEN TO HER. COMFORT HER. She's your kid, you've been on the job for 14 years now, you should know how to do this.

I was listening to her giving her the advice that I could and remembering the advice both my mom and step mom gave me at that age. But my daughter wasn't hearing what I was trying to help her with. 

I also remembering being 14 and thinking my parents have no clue what I'm going through and they can't help me

flutteringinfl

nhultberg461 said:

MagicInk said:

Your daughter was/is upset because other girls are being mean. Your first reaction should not be "I need to reach out to internet people!", you went to high school, yes? Kids were mean then, this is not a new phenomenon. What did you want your parents to do?

I wanted comfort. I didn't want solutions, because grown up world solutions don't work in high school (and sometimes not even in grown up world). So, when your kid comes home crying about the mean girls you hug her and you tell her "They are wrong, someday you won't have to deal with them anymore, keep telling the coach, and if you want me to intervene on your behalf I will, but it is your call. I love you" and then keep repeating that. 

Hell, I think it's awesome she's coming to you. I didn't always go to my parents because I thought I deserved what was happening to me and that I shouldn't worry them with my problems. I know now that was stupid. They're parents, they're in a never ending cycle of worry about me, they want to hear my problems. Fuck they still worry about me. So she's coming to you, because she needs comfort and a listing ear. LISTEN TO HER. COMFORT HER. She's your kid, you've been on the job for 14 years now, you should know how to do this.

I was listening to her giving her the advice that I could and remembering the advice both my mom and step mom gave me at that age. But my daughter wasn't hearing what I was trying to help her with. 

I also remembering being 14 and thinking my parents have no clue what I'm going through and they can't help me

This doesn't really answer @Magicink 's question though. Looking back, you can probably tell they did have a clue and just didn't handle it the way you would have preferred. What is that way? What would you have wanted to hear from them? I'll tell you from my perspective, I would have wanted to hear exactly what she wrote there.

maeday2

flutteringinfl said:

nhultberg461 said:

MagicInk said:

Your daughter was/is upset because other girls are being mean. Your first reaction should not be "I need to reach out to internet people!", you went to high school, yes? Kids were mean then, this is not a new phenomenon. What did you want your parents to do?

I wanted comfort. I didn't want solutions, because grown up world solutions don't work in high school (and sometimes not even in grown up world). So, when your kid comes home crying about the mean girls you hug her and you tell her "They are wrong, someday you won't have to deal with them anymore, keep telling the coach, and if you want me to intervene on your behalf I will, but it is your call. I love you" and then keep repeating that. 

Hell, I think it's awesome she's coming to you. I didn't always go to my parents because I thought I deserved what was happening to me and that I shouldn't worry them with my problems. I know now that was stupid. They're parents, they're in a never ending cycle of worry about me, they want to hear my problems. Fuck they still worry about me. So she's coming to you, because she needs comfort and a listing ear. LISTEN TO HER. COMFORT HER. She's your kid, you've been on the job for 14 years now, you should know how to do this.

I was listening to her giving her the advice that I could and remembering the advice both my mom and step mom gave me at that age. But my daughter wasn't hearing what I was trying to help her with. 

I also remembering being 14 and thinking my parents have no clue what I'm going through and they can't help me

This doesn't really answer @Magicink 's question though. Looking back, you can probably tell they did have a clue and just didn't handle it the way you would have preferred. What is that way? What would you have wanted to hear from them? I'll tell you from my perspective, I would have wanted to hear exactly what she wrote there.

Agreed. @MagicInk showed some serious empathy in that post. It was spot freaking on. I would have loved to have heard that perspective at a HS age. 

There will always be assholes. Teach her to stand up now so she won't take so much shit later on in life. 

nhultberg461

My parents told me to "kill them with kindness"

Meaning if someone said something about me to say "thank you, didn't ....(whatever the person commented about) and then to walk away.

Which is what I'm trying to teach her. But I'm going about it in all the wrong way.

I'm happy that she is comfortable coming to me over these things and I keep hoping that she will listen. 

I was trying to find out other ways to help her through this stage. 

ashley8918

nhultberg461 said:

I have attempted to call him on numerous other items, but he does not answer his phone. Yes you are all nice knotties, and I appreciate the advice, but I do hit a wall when it comes to discussing the kids with their dad. I have tried numerous times with him, but he does not communicate with me. He doesn't even answer the phone when I call. I'm truly afraid of what would honestly happen if something seriously happened to one of the kids, and they didn't answer. I've tried texting, emailing and calling about things. Believe me I wouldn't be on here asking for advice.

See? This is exactly what I'm talking about.

I don't think you actually want advice. I am beyond over this shit, it's fucking exhausting.

maeday2

nhultberg461 said:

My parents told me to "kill them with kindness"

Meaning if someone said something about me to say "thank you, didn't ....(whatever the person commented about) and then to walk away.

Which is what I'm trying to teach her. But I'm going about it in all the wrong way.

I'm happy that she is comfortable coming to me over these things and I keep hoping that she will listen. 

I was trying to find out other ways to help her through this stage. 

...and you've been given countless solutions. Go apply that new knowledge and help your daughter. 

ashley8918

Like, seriously, Look back at your posting history: need advice, nee advice, what would you do?, what should I do?, Would you do it? How do I handle this?

There is nothing wrong with asking for advice, but you shouldn't need to do it for every single aspect of your life. And if you do, take the fucking advice, don't shoot it all down. JESUS.

VulgarGirl

nhultberg461 said:

MagicInk said:

Your daughter was/is upset because other girls are being mean. Your first reaction should not be "I need to reach out to internet people!", you went to high school, yes? Kids were mean then, this is not a new phenomenon. What did you want your parents to do?

I wanted comfort. I didn't want solutions, because grown up world solutions don't work in high school (and sometimes not even in grown up world). So, when your kid comes home crying about the mean girls you hug her and you tell her "They are wrong, someday you won't have to deal with them anymore, keep telling the coach, and if you want me to intervene on your behalf I will, but it is your call. I love you" and then keep repeating that. 

Hell, I think it's awesome she's coming to you. I didn't always go to my parents because I thought I deserved what was happening to me and that I shouldn't worry them with my problems. I know now that was stupid. They're parents, they're in a never ending cycle of worry about me, they want to hear my problems. Fuck they still worry about me. So she's coming to you, because she needs comfort and a listing ear. LISTEN TO HER. COMFORT HER. She's your kid, you've been on the job for 14 years now, you should know how to do this.

I was listening to her giving her the advice that I could and remembering the advice both my mom and step mom gave me at that age. But my daughter wasn't hearing what I was trying to help her with. 

I also remembering being 14 and thinking my parents have no clue what I'm going through and they can't help me

Of course she wasn't listing to your advice. You are her mother. You clearly don't know anything. You have never been through it and you just don't get it.

Cause she's a teenager. So stop giving her advice. Just give her love and support. Did she ask for advice? Or did she just come home upset and want her mom to hug her? 

Sometimes we want to rant and rave and cry to those we love. We don't want solutions, we just want to express our emotions. That's just a human thing.

plainjane0415

MagicInk said:

nhultberg461 said:

MagicInk said:

Your daughter was/is upset because other girls are being mean. Your first reaction should not be "I need to reach out to internet people!", you went to high school, yes? Kids were mean then, this is not a new phenomenon. What did you want your parents to do?

I wanted comfort. I didn't want solutions, because grown up world solutions don't work in high school (and sometimes not even in grown up world). So, when your kid comes home crying about the mean girls you hug her and you tell her "They are wrong, someday you won't have to deal with them anymore, keep telling the coach, and if you want me to intervene on your behalf I will, but it is your call. I love you" and then keep repeating that. 

Hell, I think it's awesome she's coming to you. I didn't always go to my parents because I thought I deserved what was happening to me and that I shouldn't worry them with my problems. I know now that was stupid. They're parents, they're in a never ending cycle of worry about me, they want to hear my problems. Fuck they still worry about me. So she's coming to you, because she needs comfort and a listing ear. LISTEN TO HER. COMFORT HER. She's your kid, you've been on the job for 14 years now, you should know how to do this.

I was listening to her giving her the advice that I could and remembering the advice both my mom and step mom gave me at that age. But my daughter wasn't hearing what I was trying to help her with. 

I also remembering being 14 and thinking my parents have no clue what I'm going through and they can't help me

Of course she wasn't listing to your advice. You are her mother. You clearly don't know anything. You have never been through it and you just don't get it.

Cause she's a teenager. So stop giving her advice. Just give her love and support. Did she ask for advice? Or did she just come home upset and want her mom to hug her? 

Sometimes we want to rant and rave and cry to those we love. We don't want solutions, we just want to express our emotions. That's just a human thing.

THIS.  @nhultlberg461 I'm sure you can even understand the bolded as an adult too, but think about when you were her age, and how differently it might have been if your parents just listened and hugged you and said, "it's going to be ok, people suck, but you will get through this"

flutteringinfl

So if you want advice, that's fine. And if you think some advice is off the mark, I think that's okay too. But you really need to read the advice you've been given and make sure you understand it before you respond. And don't tell me you did, because your response to Magic's advice says otherwise.

nhultberg461

flutteringinfl said:

So if you want advice, that's fine. And if you think some advice is off the mark, I think that's okay too. But you really need to read the advice you've been given and make sure you understand it before you respond. And don't tell me you did, because your response to Magic's advice says otherwise.

You are right.

theartistformerlyknownas

nhultberg461 said:

My parents told me to "kill them with kindness"

Meaning if someone said something about me to say "thank you, didn't ....(whatever the person commented about) and then to walk away.

Which is what I'm trying to teach her. But I'm going about it in all the wrong way.

I'm happy that she is comfortable coming to me over these things and I keep hoping that she will listen. 

I was trying to find out other ways to help her through this stage. 

So you didn't think your parents handled it the right way when you came to them, but now you're passing off the same bunk to your daughter and expecting her to receive it better?

Do you want your daughter to grow up to be an indecisive, spineless waffler, or do you want better for her? 

Tell her to grow a pair. If you're pissed, speak up. If you're being talked down to, stick up for yourself. If people are spewing hateful garbage at you, ignore them and know that they're wrong.

NowIAmSyp

KatieinBkln

MagicInk said:

nhultberg461 said:

MagicInk said:

Your daughter was/is upset because other girls are being mean. Your first reaction should not be "I need to reach out to internet people!", you went to high school, yes? Kids were mean then, this is not a new phenomenon. What did you want your parents to do?

I wanted comfort. I didn't want solutions, because grown up world solutions don't work in high school (and sometimes not even in grown up world). So, when your kid comes home crying about the mean girls you hug her and you tell her "They are wrong, someday you won't have to deal with them anymore, keep telling the coach, and if you want me to intervene on your behalf I will, but it is your call. I love you" and then keep repeating that. 

Hell, I think it's awesome she's coming to you. I didn't always go to my parents because I thought I deserved what was happening to me and that I shouldn't worry them with my problems. I know now that was stupid. They're parents, they're in a never ending cycle of worry about me, they want to hear my problems. Fuck they still worry about me. So she's coming to you, because she needs comfort and a listing ear. LISTEN TO HER. COMFORT HER. She's your kid, you've been on the job for 14 years now, you should know how to do this.

I was listening to her giving her the advice that I could and remembering the advice both my mom and step mom gave me at that age. But my daughter wasn't hearing what I was trying to help her with. 

I also remembering being 14 and thinking my parents have no clue what I'm going through and they can't help me

Of course she wasn't listing to your advice. You are her mother. You clearly don't know anything. You have never been through it and you just don't get it.

Cause she's a teenager. So stop giving her advice. Just give her love and support. Did she ask for advice? Or did she just come home upset and want her mom to hug her? 

Sometimes we want to rant and rave and cry to those we love. We don't want solutions, we just want to express our emotions. That's just a human thing.

Oh yeah, all of this. Honestly, the happiest I ever felt when the catty basketball girls were being mean to me was when my dad just straight up said, "Fuck those assholes!"

It was so validating to hear that yes, they were being assholes. It wasn't me. My dad was on my side. (He also gave me a few tips on how to um, physically retaliate on the court in ways that wouldn't get me in trouble, but honestly I don't like to recommend that because it is of course Very Very Wrong. But...)

flutteringinfl

At my place of work, we have a policy that limits that amount of time students can spend one-on-one with tutors in a given week. This policy is in place not only to give everyone a fair shot at appointment time, but because we've seen, time and time again, that when students (and we're talking a wide variety of ages, because this is a community college) are allowed to spend as much time as they want with a tutor, or even slightly more than the time limits we give them, they start to feel that the only way they will be able to succeed is if a tutor sits next to them and watches them work, answers every question, etc. They lose the confidence in themselves that is necessary for success and ironically, well meaning tutors often become more of a hindrance to the student's success than they are a benefit.

My point is that a similar thing is happening here. Instead of thinking this through rationally and trusting your instincts, you feel like you can't get through a day without broadcasting every thought you have and asking advice for every minor issue that comes your way. It's great that you've found a community you like. We all feel that way. But you need to take a step back and ask yourself if all these conversations you're starting are actually helping you. You're an adult. You have children who are no longer school age. I think it's well past the time you learned to do these things on your own.

levioosa

PPs have it covered.  I'll just add my two cents.

My Mom yanked me out of my first high school after freshman year because she didn't like how badly I was being bullied.  The problem was that I didn't want to leave, even though the bullying was terrible.  I resented her choice of pulling me away from the friends that I did have.  I spent the next three years of high school eating lunch in the library because I didn't want to be there and I was scared of getting to know new people.  I also felt like everyone could see that I was running away.  I hated that it made me seem weak.  It was the last thing I wanted to look like to my enemies.  Although my second high school challenged me in academic ways for which I am eternally grateful, part of me still wishes I could have stuck it out in my first school.  Don't be that mom.  I would have much rather had my Mom love and comfort me without any judgment.