What would you have done? (In-laws)

thecastlebride

This is actually only my second thread post on the knot but I figured this board was the best place to go for some honest opinions!

I'm getting married on November 13, 2015. We have a really limited selection of caterers because the venue we chose has a preferred list that we have to choose from or pay $500 to $600 in fees for using an outside caterer. That being said, we literally only have two options to choose from so I really want to start getting quotes and setting up tastings so that we absolutely get our first choice and are not just stuck with whatever one isn't booked. In order to do this, we needed an estimate on how many guests we are inviting. Well, we sat down and wrote down a list with my mother (so I would not forget any obligatory invites). As my family moved to North Carolina (and so did my fiancé), his family was not physically able to be there. He contacted his dad to make sure he had not forgotten any obligatory invites on his side but his Dad kept putting off answering him. Finally, when my Mother and I were in Pennsylvania visiting my Aunt who had just had a baby and flown in from California, his Dad stopped by my grandparents' house where we were staying to "discuss the guest list 'issue'" as he called it. Apparently, he was unhappy with the amount of people being invited from his side of the family and point black told me that "just because" I "don't like them doesn't make them not family". This was completely untrue and unfair. He accused me of monopolizing the guest list (I fully admit my amount of people is larger BUT I actually did my list AFTER my fiancé did his AND I had our mutual friends counted as my people too). Then proceeded to tell me that since it was obviously all about money, we were to just add whoever he wanted added to our guest list and he would pay for the catering for those people. That's a great idea except for the fact our venue can't hold much more than is already on our list, his parents literally never come through when they offer or are asked for something, and not even my fiancé had met all these people he wanted to invite. This man from day one wanted nothing to do with the wedding if he had to pay at all. Mind you, the type of people he wanted invited included the cousins we had met ONE time at a funeral a few weeks ago who were from Wisconsin and raised buffalo and point blank asked me if I was "living in sin" in the middle of a funeral. Oh yes, I want THEM at the wedding!

My fiancé and I discussed it and he is only adding some people he forgot and we are not adding anyone his parents want or accepting them on their "generous" (his father's word for it) offer.

So, my question is; what would you have done?

artbyallie

"Thanks for the offer, but our guest list is already maxed out."

And that should be coming from your fiancé since it's his dad.

banana468

If my father showed up and did what you described to my SO, I guarantee you that the guest list wouldn't be our first topic of discussion.

mikenberger

thecastlebride said:

This is actually only my second thread post on the knot but I figured this board was the best place to go for some honest opinions!

I'm getting married on November 13, 2015. We have a really limited selection of caterers because the venue we chose has a preferred list that we have to choose from or pay $500 to $600 in fees for using an outside caterer. That being said, we literally only have two options to choose from so I really want to start getting quotes and setting up tastings so that we absolutely get our first choice and are not just stuck with whatever one isn't booked. In order to do this, we needed an estimate on how many guests we are inviting. Well, we sat down and wrote down a list with my mother (so I would not forget any obligatory invites). As my family moved to North Carolina (and so did my fiancé), his family was not physically able to be there. He contacted his dad to make sure he had not forgotten any obligatory invites on his side but his Dad kept putting off answering him. Finally, when my Mother and I were in Pennsylvania visiting my Aunt who had just had a baby and flown in from California, his Dad stopped by my grandparents' house where we were staying to "discuss the guest list 'issue'" as he called it. Apparently, he was unhappy with the amount of people being invited from his side of the family and point black told me that "just because" I "don't like them doesn't make them not family". This was completely untrue and unfair. He accused me of monopolizing the guest list (I fully admit my amount of people is larger BUT I actually did my list AFTER my fiancé did his AND I had our mutual friends counted as my people too). Then proceeded to tell me that since it was obviously all about money, we were to just add whoever he wanted added to our guest list and he would pay for the catering for those people. That's a great idea except for the fact our venue can't hold much more than is already on our list, his parents literally never come through when they offer or are asked for something, and not even my fiancé had met all these people he wanted to invite. This man from day one wanted nothing to do with the wedding if he had to pay at all. Mind you, the type of people he wanted invited included the cousins we had met ONE time at a funeral a few weeks ago who were from Wisconsin and raised buffalo and point blank asked me if I was "living in sin" in the middle of a funeral. Oh yes, I want THEM at the wedding!

My fiancé and I discussed it and he is only adding some people he forgot and we are not adding anyone his parents want or accepting them on their "generous" (his father's word for it) offer.

So, my question is; what would you have done?

My fiance would be dealing with his Dad. Not me. My dealings with his Dad would be short and pleasant. "I'm sorry that there was a misunderstanding. Can I get your guest list so your son and I can go over and make changes where we need to to the total guest list? Thanks." 

And I wouldn't take a DIME from him. In any capacity. That's money with strings.

climbingsingle

banana468 said:

If my father showed up and did what you described to my SO, I guarantee you that the guest list wouldn't be our first topic of discussion.

I have to agree. It sounds like he ambushed you with this as well, which is just so, so wrong. 

novella1186

Your fiance and I might have the same dad. My dad ambushed me at Thanksgiving and literally started screaming cuss words because he wanted to add MORE of his friends to my guest list, months after the guest list had been finalized and settled. My fiance and I couldn't afford-- and didn't want-- a bunch of additional people, so I put my foot down. I have since had to deal with several more tirades and verbal attacks from my dad, to the point that my FI and I aren't speaking to him, and are seriously considering cutting him out of our lives entirely because we're so disgusted with his behavior (he's always been an asshole to me, so it's not like I'm surprised. Just sick of it). 

So, please do NOT accept any money from your FFIL. All you have to say is "Sorry, the guest list has been finalized." If he continues, have your FI deal with him, and say the same thing. "The guest list has been finalized. This topic is not open for discussion." And then walk away/leave the room/hang up the phone/do whatever you need to do to really end the discussion. Don't engage in any arguments over it. He's way out of line and his behavior is just gross. 

I'm sorry he insulted you. I feel like your FI needs to step in on that and let his dad know-- in no uncertain terms-- that treating you that way absolutely will not be tolerated. Luckily my dad's tirades are always aimed at me, but if he ever went after my FI I would rip him a new one. 

princessleia22

I think you are handling it right.  Don't take his money and invite who you want to invite. And your FI should be dealing with his dad, not you.

thecastlebride

It's really nice to hear all of the advice and thoughts! Reading them over I realized I needed to clarify; the only reason I spoke to his Dad about this was because my FI stayed in North Carolina and it was my mother, sister, and I who went to Pennsylvania together (he had to work) and FFIL had found something of my FI's that he didn't realize he had so he was supposed to be dropping it off.

My FI was very upset about the whole thing and has since told his parents that their actions have been inappropriate (this was just the tip of the iceberg where they are concerned) and that he wants to keep it with the number of people we have. He told his parents that if they did not like it that was fine. Up until this "ambush" (great name for it!), FI had been the one dealing with his parents by himself and aside from this incident, I haven't really interacted with them aside from discussing his siblings' roles in the wedding.

It's nice to know that I am not the only one who has problems with his behavior!

thecastlebride

novella1186 said:

Your fiance and I might have the same dad. My dad ambushed me at Thanksgiving and literally started screaming cuss words because he wanted to add MORE of his friends to my guest list, months after the guest list had been finalized and settled. My fiance and I couldn't afford-- and didn't want-- a bunch of additional people, so I put my foot down. I have since had to deal with several more tirades and verbal attacks from my dad, to the point that my FI and I aren't speaking to him, and are seriously considering cutting him out of our lives entirely because we're so disgusted with his behavior (he's always been an asshole to me, so it's not like I'm surprised. Just sick of it). 

So, please do NOT accept any money from your FFIL. All you have to say is "Sorry, the guest list has been finalized." If he continues, have your FI deal with him, and say the same thing. "The guest list has been finalized. This topic is not open for discussion." And then walk away/leave the room/hang up the phone/do whatever you need to do to really end the discussion. Don't engage in any arguments over it. He's way out of line and his behavior is just gross. 

I'm sorry he insulted you. I feel like your FI needs to step in on that and let his dad know-- in no uncertain terms-- that treating you that way absolutely will not be tolerated. Luckily my dad's tirades are always aimed at me, but if he ever went after my FI I would rip him a new one. 

Unfortunately, his parents are not even gracious where I am concerned. I get a lot of awful things a lot of the time. They are hinging on having their invitation to the wedding rescinded because of this type of behavior from his father and more heinous things from his mother, "He's only with her because she spreads her legs", etc. have been circulating around the place where we grew up. Since Christmas she has been a tiny bit better but she hijacked my bridesmaids' appointment and took BOTH consultants (one was in training so we had two) away from me so she could try on dresses AND insulted several of my bridesmaids when I was looking at different styles. Right now they are not really speaking to either of us (perfectly fine with me!)

I'm really sorry to hear about how your Dad is behaving! I know it must be hard. I can't imagine what I would do if my parents were behaving anything like his!

Side Note: I know it seems early to have been looking at dresses but my bridesmaids are spread out in three different states and range from  size 0 to a size 18 so I needed to see what would look good on everyone.

MobKaz

thecastlebride said:

novella1186 said:

Your fiance and I might have the same dad. My dad ambushed me at Thanksgiving and literally started screaming cuss words because he wanted to add MORE of his friends to my guest list, months after the guest list had been finalized and settled. My fiance and I couldn't afford-- and didn't want-- a bunch of additional people, so I put my foot down. I have since had to deal with several more tirades and verbal attacks from my dad, to the point that my FI and I aren't speaking to him, and are seriously considering cutting him out of our lives entirely because we're so disgusted with his behavior (he's always been an asshole to me, so it's not like I'm surprised. Just sick of it). 

So, please do NOT accept any money from your FFIL. All you have to say is "Sorry, the guest list has been finalized." If he continues, have your FI deal with him, and say the same thing. "The guest list has been finalized. This topic is not open for discussion." And then walk away/leave the room/hang up the phone/do whatever you need to do to really end the discussion. Don't engage in any arguments over it. He's way out of line and his behavior is just gross. 

I'm sorry he insulted you. I feel like your FI needs to step in on that and let his dad know-- in no uncertain terms-- that treating you that way absolutely will not be tolerated. Luckily my dad's tirades are always aimed at me, but if he ever went after my FI I would rip him a new one. 

Unfortunately, his parents are not even gracious where I am concerned. I get a lot of awful things a lot of the time. They are hinging on having their invitation to the wedding rescinded because of this type of behavior from his father and more heinous things from his mother, "He's only with her because she spreads her legs", etc. have been circulating around the place where we grew up. Since Christmas she has been a tiny bit better but she hijacked my bridesmaids' appointment and took BOTH consultants (one was in training so we had two) away from me so she could try on dresses AND insulted several of my bridesmaids when I was looking at different styles. Right now they are not really speaking to either of us (perfectly fine with me!)

I'm really sorry to hear about how your Dad is behaving! I know it must be hard. I can't imagine what I would do if my parents were behaving anything like his!

Side Note: I know it seems early to have been looking at dresses but my bridesmaids are spread out in three different states and range from  size 0 to a size 18 so I needed to see what would look good on everyone.

As you are probably already aware, it will be almost impossible to find one style of dress that suits the range of dress sizes you need. Please consider selecting a color, fabric choice, and length, and allow your BM's the choice in style of dress. Your BM's will look and feel amazing if they can wear a style that suits them. You can always create a cohesive look with their flowers, and their amazing smiles!

thecastlebride

I actually did find a dress that looks amazing on all of them except for my size zero which wasn't a big deal as she is the maid of honor and I was planning on her having a similar but different dress anyway. My girls absolutely love the dress I picked out and it actually flatters all of them! I let them each give their own opinions before I even gave mine and encouraged them to be honest, emphasizing over and over again that I didn't care what dress they got as long as they liked it and felt comfortable wearing it.

It's a one shoulder dress in mesh fabric I believe that sort of drapes. I'm not really sure how to explain it but every single one of them loves it. I did consider just doing different dresses and letting them select them all but since they are all happy with it, I don't see a real reason to change it. If it becomes an issue I will be more than happy to accommodate their wishes.  I want this to be as enjoyable as possible for them; no big expensive bridal shower, no specific hair styles (all I asked was that there be some form of braid in their hair), no specific shoes (all I ask is that they all get the same color in case some flashes of color appear while they are walking, they can have flats, heels, sandals, whatever floats their boat), no one is required to pay to have their makeup done, no costly bachelorette party (I was thinking something original like indoor rock climbing or something else that the girls would like (indoor rock climbing here is anywhere between $10 to $20 a person if they want to rent shoes and gear and take a class)).

I am so grateful they have all agreed to stand by my side at my wedding that I really have no problem doing whatever I can to make the experience less expensive and more enjoyable for them.  

southernbelle0915

This kind of happened with DH's family. Except they never even offered to pay for their additions. Just expected us to do it. Yea no.

We told them no. It took several months of repeating "no". His mom even verbally invited people. Which she had to correct - she was humiliated - but it was a problem she created for herself. His sister told us everyone would hate us. Yea, it was a PITA.

But giving in would have been worse. It would have given the impression that they could get what they wanted if they pushed long/hard enough. Not happening now or ever.

I see. Huge red flag with the way your FFIL approached you. Your FI needs to have a serious conversation with his dad about appropriate ways to talk to his future wife.

thecastlebride

southernbelle0915 said:

This kind of happened with DH's family. Except they never even offered to pay for their additions. Just expected us to do it. Yea no. We told them no. It took several months of repeating "no". His mom even verbally invited people. Which she had to correct - she was humiliated - but it was a problem she created for herself. His sister told us everyone would hate us. Yea, it was a PITA. But giving in would have been worse. It would have given the impression that they could get what they wanted if they pushed long/hard enough. Not happening now or ever. I see. Huge red flag with the way your FFIL approached you. Your FI needs to have a serious conversation with his dad about appropriate ways to talk to his future wife.

I could see his mother doing that but it will not be my problem. Just as your MIL had to fix it, mine absolutely would. She would gripe constantly about it but it would be her problem, not mine. 

FI and I have been talking about his parents frequently lately and he has started to put his foot down pretty harshly. He has called both his mother and his father out on their behavior recently and has said that if they don't cut it out then HE doesn't want them at the wedding. That was a huge wakeup call. They haven't talked to him in two weeks or so (my life has been blissfully quiet). 

MobKaz

thecastlebride said:

I actually did find a dress that looks amazing on all of them except for my size zero which wasn't a big deal as she is the maid of honor and I was planning on her having a similar but different dress anyway. My girls absolutely love the dress I picked out and it actually flatters all of them! I let them each give their own opinions before I even gave mine and encouraged them to be honest, emphasizing over and over again that I didn't care what dress they got as long as they liked it and felt comfortable wearing it.

It's a one shoulder dress in mesh fabric I believe that sort of drapes. I'm not really sure how to explain it but every single one of them loves it. I did consider just doing different dresses and letting them select them all but since they are all happy with it, I don't see a real reason to change it. If it becomes an issue I will be more than happy to accommodate their wishes.  I want this to be as enjoyable as possible for them; no big expensive bridal shower, no specific hair styles (all I asked was that there be some form of braid in their hair), no specific shoes (all I ask is that they all get the same color in case some flashes of color appear while they are walking, they can have flats, heels, sandals, whatever floats their boat), no one is required to pay to have their makeup done, no costly bachelorette party (I was thinking something original like indoor rock climbing or something else that the girls would like (indoor rock climbing here is anywhere between $10 to $20 a person if they want to rent shoes and gear and take a class)).

I am so grateful they have all agreed to stand by my side at my wedding that I really have no problem doing whatever I can to make the experience less expensive and more enjoyable for them.  

Often, friends won't want to rock the boat and will say they love something just to avoid making waves.  I wonder if their "love" for that dress would diminish if they knew they could select a style of their choice.  Before they commit to that dress, you might want to let them know that there is another option you would consider.

It is very presumptuous to assume they will offer to host a shower and bachelorette party.  You should not even be discussing them with your bridal party.  Insisting they wear a braid in their hair seems incredibly micromanaging.  What possible reason could you have for insisting on something so random? If you are insisting on hair styles that will require professional stylists, then you should bear the burden of that cost.   It sounds as if your BM's are wearing long dresses.  Shoes should be a complete non issue.  Trust me when I say that NO ONE will be looking at the feet of your BM's.  IF a "flash" of color were to occur, worlds would not collide.  Any neutral colored shoe will be fine.  I would encourage you to revisit some of these things. 

thecastlebride

MobKaz said:

thecastlebride said:

I actually did find a dress that looks amazing on all of them except for my size zero which wasn't a big deal as she is the maid of honor and I was planning on her having a similar but different dress anyway. My girls absolutely love the dress I picked out and it actually flatters all of them! I let them each give their own opinions before I even gave mine and encouraged them to be honest, emphasizing over and over again that I didn't care what dress they got as long as they liked it and felt comfortable wearing it.

It's a one shoulder dress in mesh fabric I believe that sort of drapes. I'm not really sure how to explain it but every single one of them loves it. I did consider just doing different dresses and letting them select them all but since they are all happy with it, I don't see a real reason to change it. If it becomes an issue I will be more than happy to accommodate their wishes.  I want this to be as enjoyable as possible for them; no big expensive bridal shower, no specific hair styles (all I asked was that there be some form of braid in their hair), no specific shoes (all I ask is that they all get the same color in case some flashes of color appear while they are walking, they can have flats, heels, sandals, whatever floats their boat), no one is required to pay to have their makeup done, no costly bachelorette party (I was thinking something original like indoor rock climbing or something else that the girls would like (indoor rock climbing here is anywhere between $10 to $20 a person if they want to rent shoes and gear and take a class)).

I am so grateful they have all agreed to stand by my side at my wedding that I really have no problem doing whatever I can to make the experience less expensive and more enjoyable for them.  

Often, friends won't want to rock the boat and will say they love something just to avoid making waves.  I wonder if their "love" for that dress would diminish if they knew they could select a style of their choice.  Before they commit to that dress, you might want to let them know that there is another option you would consider.

It is very presumptuous to assume they will offer to host a shower and bachelorette party.  You should not even be discussing them with your bridal party.  Insisting they wear a braid in their hair seems incredibly micromanaging.  What possible reason could you have for insisting on something so random? If you are insisting on hair styles that will require professional stylists, then you should bear the burden of that cost.   It sounds as if your BM's are wearing long dresses.  Shoes should be a complete non issue.  Trust me when I say that NO ONE will be looking at the feet of your BM's.  IF a "flash" of color were to occur, worlds would not collide.  Any neutral colored shoe will be fine.  I would encourage you to revisit some of these things. 

I did give them several alternatives; that dress, picking their own dresses, or selecting a different style as a group were just a few.

I didn't presume. My MOH and Mom asked me about these kinds of details. I answered their questions. I think she wanted to know because she [my MOH] is working on becoming a bakery owner so she really wants an idea as early as possible. I mentioned the contributions on here because I know there are some (if not most) brides who expect that their BMs will contribute. My Uncle is getting married and I am a BM. His bride wants her bridal shower thrown at a mansion and the cost for the party is to fall on the BMs. I am trying to avoid that for my BMs.

The braid was simply so they would look a little cohesive and because they're going to be putting flowers in their hair and a braid is the easiest way to work it in. I have been fortunate enough to be friends with a Bridal Show coordinator who was able to give me a large discount at an old Scottish castle that I am having my wedding at and the flowers in the hair looks really beautiful with the whole setting. I'm a BM for a wedding in June and was told we all had to have the EXACT same hair style. I didn't think of a braid as being such a big deal. I have people who will be on site while we will be getting ready who are going to do any braiding if the girls want any help.

The shoe thing really wasn't that big a deal to me either, it was a minor detail I discussed with them that none of them had any problems with. The dresses are long but there is a flight of stairs that they are all aware of and when you walk down them in a long dress, you do tend to see the colors of the shoes. This goes back to being semi-cohesive.

I'm not yelling or being rude or anything like that with the different text, I am just doing it so my responses to individual parts are easier to see. Nothing is 100% set in stone and I hope that they would be comfortable enough to tell me they didn't like something. I am making every effort to let them know that it is okay to do so and actually encouraged. They had no issues telling me what dresses they hated and liked out of all of them and what made them uncomfortable, etc. I will keep your advice in mind and see what they think. I think I am just so concerned about not making this process a nightmare for them like the aforementioned wedding I am in that I may have done so on accident. I will definitely talk to them individually and see what they say.

Edit: I can't seem to spell today. Lol.

MobKaz

thecastlebride said:

MobKaz said:

thecastlebride said:

I actually did find a dress that looks amazing on all of them except for my size zero which wasn't a big deal as she is the maid of honor and I was planning on her having a similar but different dress anyway. My girls absolutely love the dress I picked out and it actually flatters all of them! I let them each give their own opinions before I even gave mine and encouraged them to be honest, emphasizing over and over again that I didn't care what dress they got as long as they liked it and felt comfortable wearing it.

It's a one shoulder dress in mesh fabric I believe that sort of drapes. I'm not really sure how to explain it but every single one of them loves it. I did consider just doing different dresses and letting them select them all but since they are all happy with it, I don't see a real reason to change it. If it becomes an issue I will be more than happy to accommodate their wishes.  I want this to be as enjoyable as possible for them; no big expensive bridal shower, no specific hair styles (all I asked was that there be some form of braid in their hair), no specific shoes (all I ask is that they all get the same color in case some flashes of color appear while they are walking, they can have flats, heels, sandals, whatever floats their boat), no one is required to pay to have their makeup done, no costly bachelorette party (I was thinking something original like indoor rock climbing or something else that the girls would like (indoor rock climbing here is anywhere between $10 to $20 a person if they want to rent shoes and gear and take a class)).

I am so grateful they have all agreed to stand by my side at my wedding that I really have no problem doing whatever I can to make the experience less expensive and more enjoyable for them.  

Often, friends won't want to rock the boat and will say they love something just to avoid making waves.  I wonder if their "love" for that dress would diminish if they knew they could select a style of their choice.  Before they commit to that dress, you might want to let them know that there is another option you would consider.

It is very presumptuous to assume they will offer to host a shower and bachelorette party.  You should not even be discussing them with your bridal party.  Insisting they wear a braid in their hair seems incredibly micromanaging.  What possible reason could you have for insisting on something so random? If you are insisting on hair styles that will require professional stylists, then you should bear the burden of that cost.   It sounds as if your BM's are wearing long dresses.  Shoes should be a complete non issue.  Trust me when I say that NO ONE will be looking at the feet of your BM's.  IF a "flash" of color were to occur, worlds would not collide.  Any neutral colored shoe will be fine.  I would encourage you to revisit some of these things. 

I did give them several alternatives; that dress, picking their own dresses, or selecting a different style as a group were just a few.

I didn't presume. My MOH and Mom asked me about these kinds of details. I answered their questions. I think she wanted to know because she [my MOH] is working on becoming a bakery owner so she really wants an idea as early as possible. I mentioned the contributions on here because I know there are some (if not most) brides who expect that their BMs will contribute. My Uncle is getting married and I am a BM. His bride wants her bridal shower thrown at a mansion and the cost for the party is to fall on the BMs. I am trying to avoid that for my BMs.

The braid was simply so they would look a little cohesive and because they're going to be putting flowers in their hair and a braid is the easiest way to work it in. I have been fortunate enough to be friends with a Bridal Show coordinator who was able to give me a large discount at an old Scottish castle that I am having my wedding at and the flowers in the hair looks really beautiful with the whole setting. I'm a BM for a wedding in June and was told we all had to have the EXACT same hair style. I didn't think of a braid as being such a big deal. I have people who will be on site while we will be getting ready who are going to do any braiding if the girls want any help.

The shoe thing really wasn't that big a deal to me either, it was a minor detail I discussed with them that none of them had any problems with. The dresses are long but there is a flight of stairs that they are all aware of and when you walk down them in a long dress, you do tend to see the colors of the shoes. This goes back to being semi-cohesive.

I'm not yelling or being rude or anything like that with the different text, I am just doing it so my responses to individual parts are easier to see. Nothing is 100% set in stone and I hope that they would be comfortable enough to tell me they didn't like something. I am making every effort to let them know that it is okay to do so and actually encouraged. They had no issues telling me what dresses they hated and liked out of all of them and what made them uncomfortable, etc. I will keep your advice in mind and see what they think. I think I am just so concerned about not making this process a nightmare for them like the aforementioned wedding I am in that I may have done so on accident. I will definitely talk to them individually and see what they say.

Edit: I can't seem to spell today. Lol.

I appreciate the clarification.  Cohesiveness may seem important now, but trust me when I say that hairstyles and shoe color truly do not impact your wedding in any way.  Most brides select their bridal party from their nearest and dearest.  More often than not, they will refrain from speaking their mind in part out of respect and friendship for the bride.  If you requested the braid, or a specific color shoe, they will "go along" whether they agree with it or not.  If you say any neutral colored shoe will be fine, and that they should wear their hair in a style that makes them feel their best, you might see a look of relief on their faces.

thecastlebride

MobKaz said:

thecastlebride said:

MobKaz said:

thecastlebride said:

I actually did find a dress that looks amazing on all of them except for my size zero which wasn't a big deal as she is the maid of honor and I was planning on her having a similar but different dress anyway. My girls absolutely love the dress I picked out and it actually flatters all of them! I let them each give their own opinions before I even gave mine and encouraged them to be honest, emphasizing over and over again that I didn't care what dress they got as long as they liked it and felt comfortable wearing it.

It's a one shoulder dress in mesh fabric I believe that sort of drapes. I'm not really sure how to explain it but every single one of them loves it. I did consider just doing different dresses and letting them select them all but since they are all happy with it, I don't see a real reason to change it. If it becomes an issue I will be more than happy to accommodate their wishes.  I want this to be as enjoyable as possible for them; no big expensive bridal shower, no specific hair styles (all I asked was that there be some form of braid in their hair), no specific shoes (all I ask is that they all get the same color in case some flashes of color appear while they are walking, they can have flats, heels, sandals, whatever floats their boat), no one is required to pay to have their makeup done, no costly bachelorette party (I was thinking something original like indoor rock climbing or something else that the girls would like (indoor rock climbing here is anywhere between $10 to $20 a person if they want to rent shoes and gear and take a class)).

I am so grateful they have all agreed to stand by my side at my wedding that I really have no problem doing whatever I can to make the experience less expensive and more enjoyable for them.  

Often, friends won't want to rock the boat and will say they love something just to avoid making waves.  I wonder if their "love" for that dress would diminish if they knew they could select a style of their choice.  Before they commit to that dress, you might want to let them know that there is another option you would consider.

It is very presumptuous to assume they will offer to host a shower and bachelorette party.  You should not even be discussing them with your bridal party.  Insisting they wear a braid in their hair seems incredibly micromanaging.  What possible reason could you have for insisting on something so random? If you are insisting on hair styles that will require professional stylists, then you should bear the burden of that cost.   It sounds as if your BM's are wearing long dresses.  Shoes should be a complete non issue.  Trust me when I say that NO ONE will be looking at the feet of your BM's.  IF a "flash" of color were to occur, worlds would not collide.  Any neutral colored shoe will be fine.  I would encourage you to revisit some of these things. 

I did give them several alternatives; that dress, picking their own dresses, or selecting a different style as a group were just a few.

I didn't presume. My MOH and Mom asked me about these kinds of details. I answered their questions. I think she wanted to know because she [my MOH] is working on becoming a bakery owner so she really wants an idea as early as possible. I mentioned the contributions on here because I know there are some (if not most) brides who expect that their BMs will contribute. My Uncle is getting married and I am a BM. His bride wants her bridal shower thrown at a mansion and the cost for the party is to fall on the BMs. I am trying to avoid that for my BMs.

The braid was simply so they would look a little cohesive and because they're going to be putting flowers in their hair and a braid is the easiest way to work it in. I have been fortunate enough to be friends with a Bridal Show coordinator who was able to give me a large discount at an old Scottish castle that I am having my wedding at and the flowers in the hair looks really beautiful with the whole setting. I'm a BM for a wedding in June and was told we all had to have the EXACT same hair style. I didn't think of a braid as being such a big deal. I have people who will be on site while we will be getting ready who are going to do any braiding if the girls want any help.

The shoe thing really wasn't that big a deal to me either, it was a minor detail I discussed with them that none of them had any problems with. The dresses are long but there is a flight of stairs that they are all aware of and when you walk down them in a long dress, you do tend to see the colors of the shoes. This goes back to being semi-cohesive.

I'm not yelling or being rude or anything like that with the different text, I am just doing it so my responses to individual parts are easier to see. Nothing is 100% set in stone and I hope that they would be comfortable enough to tell me they didn't like something. I am making every effort to let them know that it is okay to do so and actually encouraged. They had no issues telling me what dresses they hated and liked out of all of them and what made them uncomfortable, etc. I will keep your advice in mind and see what they think. I think I am just so concerned about not making this process a nightmare for them like the aforementioned wedding I am in that I may have done so on accident. I will definitely talk to them individually and see what they say.

Edit: I can't seem to spell today. Lol.

I appreciate the clarification.  Cohesiveness may seem important now, but trust me when I say that hairstyles and shoe color truly do not impact your wedding in any way.  Most brides select their bridal party from their nearest and dearest.  More often than not, they will refrain from speaking their mind in part out of respect and friendship for the bride.  If you requested the braid, or a specific color shoe, they will "go along" whether they agree with it or not.  If you say any neutral colored shoe will be fine, and that they should wear their hair in a style that makes them feel their best, you might see a look of relief on their faces.

I will definitely consider that an option.

beethery

What would I have done?

Blisteringly short answer: I would've told him to pound sand and called it good.

thecastlebride

beethery said:

What would I have done?

Blisteringly short answer: I would've told him to pound sand and called it good.

I really should have. I think I was just trying to avoid adding fuel to the fire until I could talk the situation over with FI.

anniecm5

thecastlebride said:

MobKaz said:

thecastlebride said:

MobKaz said:

thecastlebride said:

I actually did find a dress that looks amazing on all of them except for my size zero which wasn't a big deal as she is the maid of honor and I was planning on her having a similar but different dress anyway. My girls absolutely love the dress I picked out and it actually flatters all of them! I let them each give their own opinions before I even gave mine and encouraged them to be honest, emphasizing over and over again that I didn't care what dress they got as long as they liked it and felt comfortable wearing it.

It's a one shoulder dress in mesh fabric I believe that sort of drapes. I'm not really sure how to explain it but every single one of them loves it. I did consider just doing different dresses and letting them select them all but since they are all happy with it, I don't see a real reason to change it. If it becomes an issue I will be more than happy to accommodate their wishes.  I want this to be as enjoyable as possible for them; no big expensive bridal shower, no specific hair styles (all I asked was that there be some form of braid in their hair), no specific shoes (all I ask is that they all get the same color in case some flashes of color appear while they are walking, they can have flats, heels, sandals, whatever floats their boat), no one is required to pay to have their makeup done, no costly bachelorette party (I was thinking something original like indoor rock climbing or something else that the girls would like (indoor rock climbing here is anywhere between $10 to $20 a person if they want to rent shoes and gear and take a class)).

I am so grateful they have all agreed to stand by my side at my wedding that I really have no problem doing whatever I can to make the experience less expensive and more enjoyable for them.  

Often, friends won't want to rock the boat and will say they love something just to avoid making waves.  I wonder if their "love" for that dress would diminish if they knew they could select a style of their choice.  Before they commit to that dress, you might want to let them know that there is another option you would consider.

It is very presumptuous to assume they will offer to host a shower and bachelorette party.  You should not even be discussing them with your bridal party.  Insisting they wear a braid in their hair seems incredibly micromanaging.  What possible reason could you have for insisting on something so random? If you are insisting on hair styles that will require professional stylists, then you should bear the burden of that cost.   It sounds as if your BM's are wearing long dresses.  Shoes should be a complete non issue.  Trust me when I say that NO ONE will be looking at the feet of your BM's.  IF a "flash" of color were to occur, worlds would not collide.  Any neutral colored shoe will be fine.  I would encourage you to revisit some of these things. 

I did give them several alternatives; that dress, picking their own dresses, or selecting a different style as a group were just a few.

I didn't presume. My MOH and Mom asked me about these kinds of details. I answered their questions. I think she wanted to know because she [my MOH] is working on becoming a bakery owner so she really wants an idea as early as possible. I mentioned the contributions on here because I know there are some (if not most) brides who expect that their BMs will contribute. My Uncle is getting married and I am a BM. His bride wants her bridal shower thrown at a mansion and the cost for the party is to fall on the BMs. I am trying to avoid that for my BMs.

The braid was simply so they would look a little cohesive and because they're going to be putting flowers in their hair and a braid is the easiest way to work it in. I have been fortunate enough to be friends with a Bridal Show coordinator who was able to give me a large discount at an old Scottish castle that I am having my wedding at and the flowers in the hair looks really beautiful with the whole setting. I'm a BM for a wedding in June and was told we all had to have the EXACT same hair style. I didn't think of a braid as being such a big deal. I have people who will be on site while we will be getting ready who are going to do any braiding if the girls want any help.

IMO if you're requiring:

- a specific hairstyle that requires a professional

- jewelry requirements more specific than just saying "wear gold"

- shoe requirements more specific than just saying "wear a neutral"

- getting their makeup done

you should be footing the bill for it. Asking them to buy a dress is quite enough. 

thecastlebride

If we continue with a braid then I will definitely be making sure that I have someone there to do it for them without them having to pay for it at all. Jewelry wise it will probably be something like wear silver or wear gold but not anything really specific unless I decide to buy them all pearl earrings which I might. Shoes I think I will ask either silver, bronze, black, or gold (pretty much any neutral color other than "nude" really because nude doesn't look good with the color of the dresses. And makeup wise, if they want to do it then that's okay but I'm not requiring anyone to have it done.

Update: I just found out that his parents were trying to use OUR wedding for their FAMILY REUNION! No lie! I really hope I don't see them anytime soon! I'm NOT happy! 

sophhabobopha

The "spreading her legs" comment would've earned mom a punch to the twat.

What a couple of peaches you have as FILs!

[Deleted User]

thecastlebride

@sophhabobopha I deeply considered such but at the time I was several states away and it was not worth the eight hour drive to deal with her miserable life. We were Facebook friends but I got tired of her "woe is me" and "my life sucks" attitude and deleted her. I want minimal contact with my in-laws which means I refuse to move anywhere near them!

@pinkrevenge I also contemplated something like that but decided against it in the end. I genuinely do try to behave myself where they are concerned but I find it is becoming harder. Limiting contact is slowly helping me remove the temptation. If, however, she were to say something at the wedding, all bets are off.