Guest List Grumbles

DizDiz&Grim

It kinda sucks that this is my first board post, but I'm struggling and could use the input of other brides/grooms...

I'm a 24 year-old bride-to-be trying to put together a guest list. I've got my family, his family, our mutual friends, his friends, and... well, people from my facebook that I don't hate and don't mind talking to. I'll be the first one to admit that I don't have a lot of friends. I suffer from depression and it makes keeping friends kinda hard... I know it's my fault, but it's what I am. Nothing I can do about it.

I'm looking at my list and realize that - some how - our list consists of 277 people. How the heck did that happen? No idea. So I'm going through the list this afternoon and shaking my head at the people I've planned to invite... some of them I realize I'm only inviting because I don't want to be rude... People that I talk to on facebook, people who I've met through parenting groups, people I knew in my younger years and have reconnected with, and old friends of my 10-year-deceased mother. I don't know why this frustrates me so much, but it does...

I guess the whole reason I'm typing this is to ask: Do I absolutely HAVE to invite old friends? Members of my mom groups? People I talk to that I haven't actually SEEN in ages?

I'm a pure-bred people pleaser, so I'm TERRIFIED of offending and upsetting people... Gah... This is hard!

climbingsingle

You don't HAVE to invite anyone. This is totally your call. We wanted a smaller wedding and we only invited our closest friends and family members. The people you're talking about seem more like acquaintances. Personally I wouldn't invite them. Most people understand that you can't invite every person you know. 

[Deleted User]

What climbingwife said. You don't HAVE to invite anyone. A good way to go about it to make three lists. Make a "must invite" VIP list for your closets friends and family, the people you can't imagine getting married without. Then make a "would love to have there" list of people that you really want there, but it wouldn't crush you to not have them there. Then make a "would be nice to have there" list of people you would like to invite if there is room in your budget. 

To clarify: This does NOT mean that you should B-list people. B-listing is horrible and rude. Don't do that. Determine your guest list count from the get-go and stick with it. 

Before you do any of that though, you really should determine what your budget is. The cost of a wedding is determined largely by head count. If you know that you have X amount to spend, then you will more easily be able to figure out how many invitations you can extend within that budget. 

Also, plan for 100% attendance. many brides here find themselves in trouble when they invite beyond their budget, expecting certain people not to show, then panic when the "yes" RSVPs come rolling in. 

Bottom-line: People understand that most aren't able to invite everyone they have ever known. No one in your life should expect to be invited to your wedding. If anyone gets upset about it, it is rude on their end, not yours. 

Edit: grammar and such

[Deleted User]

As others have said, you're not obligated to invite anyone. As someone who is also struggling with a tight guest list (and two enormous families), a guideline I've been using with deciding which friends I really want to be there is deciding whether or not I feel close enough to the person to go to dinner with them one-on-one or in a small group. For me, if it's someone I can't imagine getting past appetizers without running out of topics/interest, they can't really be close enough to want to invite.

rcher912

There's a TK article somewhere that says after making your dream list (which you did), you have to take the "Slash and burn" approach until it fits your budget. It made me crack up and I never forgot it.

You don't HAVE to invite anyone, technically.

Although I would say that there are some people that most feel HAVE to be invited (immediate family, for instance). 

For my invites, I've just kept reminding myself: Who would I be really upset if they weren't there and it was my fault? Who do I really want to see on that day?

There are a few old family friends, and I'm skipping some newer friends & co-workers because the old friends just mean more to me in the grand scheme of things. It is and was a more personal relationship.

But those are things that become very unique to the B&G, so definitely keep this conversation open with your FI!

AddieCake

We didn't invite anyone who isn't part of our regular lives.

MyNameIsNot

You don't have to invite anyone, but I think that's been cleared already.

We used a "one year" approach with a lot of the friends we weren't sure about. Basically, if we haven't talked to or seen this person in the last year, they didn't make the guest list. Of course, there were a few exceptions (friend living abroad, etc), but that approach helped us draw the line between friends and kinda friends. 

southernbelle0915

You just have to make difficult cuts. We all have/had to do it.

It helped me to realize I didn't have to invite people I wasn't close to. For example, we invited some cousins and not others. If we hadn't seen them, talked to them or sent Xmas cards in a few years, they were automatically out.

We also didn't invite coworkers at all. That was a clean cut and cut a lot of people.

We also didn't invite kids. Not necessarily to cut the guest list, but for personal reasons. That saved us about 30 people.

Also, DH's parents gave us a list of about 50 randoms (outside DH's family). Since they didn't contribute financially, we were able to say no to most of those people.

Other advice is that you don't need to invite all your friends. You're 24. You're only going to remain friends with some of these people in the long run. Deep down you probably know who those people are. Invite them but not fringe friends.

swiftsticks

My rule of thumb was about last names.

No invite if you don't know their last name. If you don't know their last name, you're probably not close enough to invite them. That might slash some distant relatives and casual acquaintances from your list.

sames52915

@MyNameIsNot we did the same thing. I originally wanted a small destination wedding with maybe 10 people tops. And now we're having a big wedding with at least 150 people! So I definitely wanted to slash the list wherever I could. It was hard cutting out a lot of people, but basically we used two rules to help us get it down: 1) If its someone that we haven't seen/spoken to/introduced to the other since we've been dating (4yrs) then they were the first to go. Obviously there are exceptions to that rule, as we both have family out of state who we haven't physically seen in years, but are still close to. Then we went to 2) If we haven't seen them in the last year then we cut them out. That was obviously hard with college friends, old roommates, etc. But once you start realizing who you think you're close to and see/talk to all the time, as opposed to your bff growing up that you maybe say happy bday to on facebook, it makes it a little easier to cut the list down. 

LtPowers

I'm going to take the opposite tact.

It is your hospitality that should be scaled to your budget, not your guest list. Figure out how many people you want to invite, and then figure out how to host them within your budget.

If you do it the other way around (figuring out what you want your reception to be like, and then figuring out how many guests you can invite for that price), you're prioritizing material things and ephemeral events over personal relationships.

Miss Manners agrees: "The guest list should have priority over the arrangements, which is to say that you ask first who should be there, and then what you can afford to feed them, rather than the other way around."

[Deleted User]

Something occurred to me last night as I was looking at one of those Draconian "how to slash your guest list" graphics from pinterest on another thread -- I remembered a trick a friend of mine who is a "productivity expert" uses to clean out his inbox: he deletes everything in it, and then goes through the deleted items and chooses what to put back in the inbox. Basically his reasoning is that once something is in the deleted folder, you've psychologically broken the "urgency" of it being in your inbox and can more reasonable assess whether it's something you need to respond to or file for reference later. Maybe some people who find themselves agonizing over who to cut would find a similar approach helpful -- cut everyone you're on the fence about, put them on a separate list/excel sheet/word document, whatever, and once they're all off, decide who to add back ON instead of who to take OFF. Might help get you over the guilt that comes with adding people individually.

His podcast about the e-mail strategy is here, in case anyone wants a more detailed explanation of his thinking.

floridabride44

Don't invite anyone just because you don't want to be rude. You shouldn't feel obligated to invite anyone to your wedding, and nobody should expect to be invited. If anyone gives you crap about the fact that they are not invited to your wedding, then they are the rude one!

Invite who you can afford to host properly (food, drink, a butt for every chair) - this might be just family, family + close friends, or family + close friends and some acquaintences depending on your budget (Just make sure you leave room to invite the SO's of all your guests - you can't invite your cousin/friend/aunt/etc. and leave out their BF/FI/H)

Guest list is one of the hardest parts. (And venue hunting, IMO) Once you get that nailed down, it gets easier!

DizDiz&Grim

What about cousins? Aunts and Uncles? I've got people whom I've never seen at other cousins weddings, people who rarely show up to big family gatherings, and people who say outrageously hateful things about people I love and my religion.
a) they're family, kinda rude not to invite them
b) I don't want to spend the whole night in mid-panic waiting for drama to start...
Gah...

DizDiz&Grim

@southernbelle0915 The fact that you can honestly tell me you didn't invite some cousins made me BREATHE a sigh of relief! I have cousins that I haven't seen for longer than 10 minutes in YEARS. Thank You!

[Deleted User]

DizDiz&Grim said:

What about cousins? Aunts and Uncles? I've got people whom I've never seen at other cousins weddings, people who rarely show up to big family gatherings, and people who say outrageously hateful things about people I love and my religion.
a) they're family, kinda rude not to invite them
b) I don't want to spend the whole night in mid-panic waiting for drama to start...
Gah...

Nope.  Being related does NOT make you "Family".  I'm probably not inviting about 5 cousins (out of 13 total cousins), DEFinitely not inviting one aunt, possibly not inviting another aunt and uncle.  And these are people I see fairly regularly (every year or every other year) at family events around gramma.  I just don't like them and don't talk to them when we're in the same room so why would I host them at a party?

morewineplease

DizDiz&Grim said:

What about cousins? Aunts and Uncles? I've got people whom I've never seen at other cousins weddings, people who rarely show up to big family gatherings, and people who say outrageously hateful things about people I love and my religion.
a) they're family, kinda rude not to invite them
b) I don't want to spend the whole night in mid-panic waiting for drama to start...
Gah…

Just because they are blood does not mean you have to invite them. I am not inviting any of my Aunts/Uncles or cousins. This was a cut line for me because we are going for a smaller wedding. I am however including a close friend and her whole immediate family because I basically lived with them all through high school. They are a second immediate family to me.

[Deleted User]

Here is how I did it

• Co-workers, if I don't socialize with them outside of work on a regular basis, they didn't get an invite
• Friends - only friends that I talk to or see on a regular basis
• Facebook friends - if I only talk to you on facebook, you don't get an invite
• Family - you have to limit how distant you want to go

Once you do that then create categories

A Group - people who you really want there and would be bummed if they weren't, doesn't matter if they are family or friends

B Group - People you would be happy if the would be there, but it won't be the end of the world if they aren't there

C Group - Everyone else

Then figure out what your budget for your reception & how many people you can accomodate with that budget and how many people you can have based on the venue. Fill that number with your a group, then work on your b group. You may have to make cuts to your b group depending on your budget & size of venue. And if you still have room to invite more people then go to your c group. Remember, as long as they don't all get Save the Dates, you can always add/remove to your guest list before the invites get sent out.