Never Realized How Pissed I'd Be

LD1970

When H & I got married, we invited 185 people on one list at one time, had a little over 100 people who RSVPed yes, and 3 no-shows to the wedding (plus one couple who brought an uninvited and un-RSVPed-for kid).  That's it.  Normal.  The only rudeness was from the couple who brought the kid.

A while back, a couple of our friends got engaged and told us at one of their parties that OF COURSE we'd be invited to the wedding.  On a later date, she even called & discussed the date with us, since they were considering getting married on my H's birthday (which they did choose) and were actually making sure we didn't mind (we didn't, of course).  Now, I know all too well how expensive weddings are, especially in this part of the country, and would never expect an invitation until you tell me to.  A few months later, the female half of the couple and I were messaging back & forth on FB about something entirely different, when she suddenly comes up with, "Oh, since I have you online, I just wanted to let you know that since our parents are paying for the wedding and we have big families, we won't be able to invite you & your H, unless we get a lot of "no" responses & then I'll be able to send you an invitation.  But we'll be having a second backyard-BBQ reception in the summer, and you'll be invited to that!  Oh, and you & your H are invited to the ceremony at the church!"

So basically, the message was:  We invited you verbally and even discussed/cleared the date with you, but you're not invited anymore.  Except hopefully we can B-list you.  And if not, it's ok anyway, because you (an agnostic Jew) can spend your (atheist - and they know this) H's birthday sitting through a VERY long Catholic mass-filled ceremony & then go home and not celebrate with us, but come to the second tier consolation "reception" months later.

Um... no.

(Note:  I get that I didn't get a STD or invitation to the wedding, so even with the verbal "of course," plans and budgets can change, so I couldn't truly expect an invitation.  It's not so much that [though it was disappointing; I really like this couple and love weddings], as everything that came as a result of that.)

I would never pull any of the above.  On the other hand, I also never realized how annoyed *I* would be if it was pulled on me... until it was.  H actually barely wants to hang out with them anymore over the rudeness of it all.

firebabe6519

Just gross...

I would not be hanging out with such douchebaggy people either.

SP29

That is way rude!

I could *probably* get over it, if my friend said, "OMG I'm SO sorry but our parents are paying and have decided that we need to invite all this family and can't have our friends there". I mean, I'd think "well pay for the wedding yourselves!", and I'd also feel like a less important friend (unless NO friends were invited), but I'd get over it knowing we weren't *that* good of friends (which is fine).

But the whole "we hope we can B list you!" and "you can come to the ceremony!"- just no. 

LD1970

There are friends they're still inviting.  I thought we were fairly close, but apparently I was mistaken.

Either way, I'm basically at a point where they'll still be invited to our parties (we tend to have 40-60+ people to our house for these anyway), but I'm not making an effort to go for coffee & listen to her life's drama anymore.  Yeah, I'm stung.

AddieCake

That's what makes it so interesting when people claim, "Oh, I wouldn't mind if...." "It wouldn't bother me if...." " I would completely understand if...." when it comes to being shafted or ill-treated or poorly hosted by friends regarding their weddings. IF is always key. You never know how you will feel until it happens.

LD1970

It's true.  I know myself pretty well, and am pretty easygoing and quick to let things slide, but this got to me.

Vivandiere8

What's really sad about this to me is how this kind of mind set is getting more and more common, and the people who pull this kind of crap clearly have no idea how rude they are being. It's more than accepted as normal. Most really have no clue. So many young brides and grooms (and older ones too) are being told by their parents, relations, friends, that these ideas are great. My only hope is that places like the community here will start growing, and becoming more popular, and maybe there will be hope for the future. 

SP29

LD1970 said:

Either way, I'm basically at a point where they'll still be invited to our parties (we tend to have 40-60+ people to our house for these anyway), but I'm not making an effort to go for coffee & listen to her life's drama anymore.  Yeah, I'm stung.

Yeah, I'd feel the same way. I wouldn't end the friendship over it, but I'd realize, "Okay, we're obviously not as close as I thought we were. Noted." and proceed the same as you. 

rcher912

Yikes, and over facebook. That would really bother me as much as being un-invited/B-listed. She couldn't even have a real conversation with you. Yikes.

climbingsingle

That's really shitty.

Psych819

This is a perfect example of why you do not talk about your wedding with people that are not in your wedding party or immediately family that you know is definitely invited. Your frined was completely rude and tacky. 

chloe97

What pisses me off the most about these situations is that I feel like some people feel like folks should be HONORED to come to be invited to your weddingand that it's the end all be all social event of the year. We have a large group of friends where we live and sometimes we get invited to those peoples weddings and sometimes we don't. Sure we'd love to come celebrate with you, but if you need to keep your guest list smaller and we don't make the cut it does not not offend us. People who act like you should covet the prized invitation and feel the need to call and explain why you won't be invited have totally lost perspective on how other people perceive their wedding.

LD1970

Good point.  Wedding = / = inaugural ball.

They ended up losing, though, even though they may not realize it.  In addition to the fact that we're not good friends anymore, even had we just plain not been invited, we'd have sent them a wedding gift - a bottle of mead or something off their registry or something.  Now?  No attendance at the BBQ, no gift.

arrrghmatey

She walks the plank, says I!

LD1970

Hey, I'm all for pirate justice.

badbnagdway

That is super frustrating. I had a similar situation and it definitely is a bad feeling to be told you will be invited and then have someone not actually invite you. A friend of mine from grad school contacted me in September of last year to congratulate me on getting engaged. She told me she was also getting married (I had no idea, she apparently had not really announced it) and that they were getting married in January and that I would be getting a save-the-date soon and she hoped FI and I could make it. Their wedding date was actually the date we were considering for our wedding at that point because we were having trouble finding a time when our VIPs would be able to make it. We decided we would need to wait until spring because I felt like it would be rude to pick that date after she told me it was their date and told me we would be invited. I also wasn't sure who else from our grad program might be invited to both weddings and didn't want to make people pick. The save-the-date never came, nor did the invite. So... Yeah. I pretty much never assume an invite to a wedding so it was just really annoying to have someone say "you're invited" and then not actually invite me. 

I sent them a congratulatory card but no present (they did a honeymoon registry). I also am currently not planning to invite them to our wedding. They were borderline from the start and now I am leaning no. However, I never said they would be invited to ours and I didn't send them a STD. 

danamw

The whole thing was rude of them, and I would feel slighted, big time.

But there are different types of friends. There are those you can count on in an emergency, and those you just go to dinner with a couple times a year, or go  in a group to game night.

You could relegate these to the second category, unless something else happens. Or not see them anymore, if you really don't want to.

LD1970

Eh, they're party friends now.  It's fine.  We have a lot of really, really great friends, so we don't need them for that.  

I do feel bad for H, though, he liked the husband (along with another mutual friend who got the same treatment we did & is barely friends with them anymore either) for doing guys' nights at scotch and beer tastings.  He's definitely sad about the loss on that front.

anjemon

Yeah, it's sometimes surprising how that brings emotions out.

I have a couple of friends from college who got married right after we graduated. I was one of the links that got them together - dude was a study buddy and girl was on my floor. So we all would study together in my room. At one point after college girl had Facebooked me asking my address and had mentioned wedding stuff. So I sort of assumed I was getting an invite. I was surprised but really happy about it. Eventually I heard that other friends had been invited, but I never was. I was fairly bummed. I wasn't that close with them by the end of college and probably wouldn't have assumed I was invited except for that one conversation.