Catholic Wedding?

alhaley88

Hello ladies. I am looking for insight and advice. I am not catholic but my FH is. I am completely on board with his catholic family member performing our ceremony and also doing the premarriage counseling and extras to abide by the Catholic church. That being said, we have our venue set for a beautiful hotel in Downtown Indy. We want our ceremony to be there so no one including us needs to travel and find parking etc. His catholic minister(idk If this is the right title), tells us we have to perform our ceremony in a Catholic church before our actual wedding. I am NOT okay with this. It would be him, my Fiancé and I, and our persons of honor. What is the rule on this? It's important to FH but having my family and friends there are important to me. Can we abide by the rest and get married in a non-catholic church location?

flantastic

alhaley88 said:

Hello ladies. I am looking for insight and advice. I am not catholic but my FH is. I am completely on board with his catholic family member performing our ceremony and also doing the premarriage counseling and extras to abide by the Catholic church. That being said, we have our venue set for a beautiful hotel in Downtown Indy. We want our ceremony to be there so no one including us needs to travel and find parking etc. His catholic minister(idk If this is the right title), tells us we have to perform our ceremony in a Catholic church before our actual wedding. I am NOT okay with this. It would be him, my Fiancé and I, and our persons of honor. What is the rule on this? It's important to FH but having my family and friends there are important to me. Can we abide by the rest and get married in a non-catholic church location?

You have to get married in a church building, unless you receive a dispensation from the bishop to have it in a different location. Those dispensations usually aren't given out for reasons like those you've described (i.e. convenience). Here's something of an explanation of the faith reasons behind that: http://bustedhalo.com/features/must-catholics-have-their-wedding-in-a-church

The priest (that is his title) will not be able to marry you at the hotel, which means the wedding will not be Catholic, which will put your FI out of good standing with the Catholic Church. It doesn't sound like he wants that. I appreciate you thinking of the comfort of your guests, but I think this one-space-for all idea is one you'll have to give up.

ETA - about the bolded - what does that mean? Do you think your family and friends won't come if they have to figure out how to leave from and return to the hotel? The church wedding itself would be open to all of them. It's not like a Mormon wedding where no one who isn't Mormon isn't allowed in.

MobKaz

alhaley88 said:

Hello ladies. I am looking for insight and advice. I am not catholic but my FH is. I am completely on board with his catholic family member performing our ceremony and also doing the premarriage counseling and extras to abide by the Catholic church. That being said, we have our venue set for a beautiful hotel in Downtown Indy. We want our ceremony to be there so no one including us needs to travel and find parking etc. His catholic minister(idk If this is the right title), tells us we have to perform our ceremony in a Catholic church before our actual wedding. I am NOT okay with this. It would be him, my Fiancé and I, and our persons of honor. What is the rule on this? It's important to FH but having my family and friends there are important to me. Can we abide by the rest and get married in a non-catholic church location?

Your FI must marry in a Catholic church for your marriage to be valid in the eyes of the church.  If you perform the ceremony in the Catholic church, THAT WILL BE YOUR WEDDING.  There is no secondary "actual" wedding.  You and your FI will need to decide what is more important, his standing in his faith, or a pretty venue. 

MobKaz

flantastic said:

alhaley88 said:

Hello ladies. I am looking for insight and advice. I am not catholic but my FH is. I am completely on board with his catholic family member performing our ceremony and also doing the premarriage counseling and extras to abide by the Catholic church. That being said, we have our venue set for a beautiful hotel in Downtown Indy. We want our ceremony to be there so no one including us needs to travel and find parking etc. His catholic minister(idk If this is the right title), tells us we have to perform our ceremony in a Catholic church before our actual wedding. I am NOT okay with this. It would be him, my Fiancé and I, and our persons of honor. What is the rule on this? It's important to FH but having my family and friends there are important to me. Can we abide by the rest and get married in a non-catholic church location?

You have to get married in a church building, unless you receive a dispensation from the bishop to have it in a different location. Those dispensations usually aren't given out for reasons like those you've described (i.e. convenience). Here's something of an explanation of the faith reasons behind that: http://bustedhalo.com/features/must-catholics-have-their-wedding-in-a-church

The priest (that is his title) will not be able to marry you at the hotel, which means the wedding will not be Catholic, which will put your FI out of good standing with the Catholic Church. It doesn't sound like he wants that. I appreciate you thinking of the comfort of your guests, but I think this one-space-for all idea is one you'll have to give up.

ETA - about the bolded - what does that mean? Do you think your family and friends won't come if they have to figure out how to leave from and return to the hotel? The church wedding itself would be open to all of them. It's not like a Mormon wedding where no one who isn't Mormon isn't allowed in.

If I understand her, they want to have a quiet Catholic ceremony, with just their "persons of honor" witnessing it, and follow that up with a second "fake" ceremony at the pretty venue. 

flantastic

MobKaz said:

flantastic said:

alhaley88 said:

Hello ladies. I am looking for insight and advice. I am not catholic but my FH is. I am completely on board with his catholic family member performing our ceremony and also doing the premarriage counseling and extras to abide by the Catholic church. That being said, we have our venue set for a beautiful hotel in Downtown Indy. We want our ceremony to be there so no one including us needs to travel and find parking etc. His catholic minister(idk If this is the right title), tells us we have to perform our ceremony in a Catholic church before our actual wedding. I am NOT okay with this. It would be him, my Fiancé and I, and our persons of honor. What is the rule on this? It's important to FH but having my family and friends there are important to me. Can we abide by the rest and get married in a non-catholic church location?

You have to get married in a church building, unless you receive a dispensation from the bishop to have it in a different location. Those dispensations usually aren't given out for reasons like those you've described (i.e. convenience). Here's something of an explanation of the faith reasons behind that: http://bustedhalo.com/features/must-catholics-have-their-wedding-in-a-church

The priest (that is his title) will not be able to marry you at the hotel, which means the wedding will not be Catholic, which will put your FI out of good standing with the Catholic Church. It doesn't sound like he wants that. I appreciate you thinking of the comfort of your guests, but I think this one-space-for all idea is one you'll have to give up.

ETA - about the bolded - what does that mean? Do you think your family and friends won't come if they have to figure out how to leave from and return to the hotel? The church wedding itself would be open to all of them. It's not like a Mormon wedding where no one who isn't Mormon isn't allowed in.

If I understand her, they want to have a quiet Catholic ceremony, with just their "persons of honor" witnessing it, and follow that up with a second "fake" ceremony at the pretty venue. 

Yeah, that makes no sense. Would you tell all your guests that they're not actually witnessing your wedding? In the US, priests have to have the church wedding also be the legal wedding - so you really wouldn't be doing anything but a reenactment at the hotel.

alhaley88

No, the priest wants us to do a quick flyby wedding the morning of our actual wedding. I'm not trying to be selfish but it is our day, not mine and not his. Ours. I don't want to perform a flyby ceremony just to have HIS church recognize it. It's not like we go to church or anything like that. Idk what to do. I am the one who doesn't want to have a church wedding. It's not solely out of convenience for our guests.

alhaley88

And yes the hotel would be the reenactment of the church ceremony. Exactly what I don't want. FH is the one who pursuaded me to book the hotel so I'm upset that he didn't take into consideration how I feel about jumping through these hoops just to have a church we don't even go to recognize it on paper.

flantastic

alhaley88 said:

No, the priest wants us to do a quick flyby wedding the morning of our actual wedding. I'm not trying to be selfish but it is our day, not mine and not his. Ours. I don't want to perform a flyby ceremony just to have HIS church recognize it. It's not like we go to church or anything like that. Idk what to do. I am the one who doesn't want to have a church wedding. It's not solely out of convenience for our guests.

Considering the consequences for your FI are serious if you don't do this, you will have to do the bolded for your FI's sake. If there weren't serious consequences that he cared about, he could probably do what's more important to you. As it is, you will have to do what's more important to him. Take it as a lesson in compromise.

alhaley88

I know how to compromise considering I have agreed to abide by all the requirments the Catholic Church has just to get married. I have am issue with having to do a reenactment simply because the Catholic Church requires a church wedding. Why am I the only one compromising here?

flantastic

alhaley88 said:

And yes the hotel would be the reenactment of the church ceremony. Exactly what I don't want. FH is the one who pursuaded me to book the hotel so I'm upset that he didn't take into consideration how I feel about jumping through these hoops just to have a church we don't even go to recognize it on paper.

I get that you're upset that these things weren't discussed up front when they should have been, and that it almost seems disingenuous to you because he doesn't go. Talk to your FI and ask him why he wants the Church to recognize his marriage, and how important it is to him. 

If it's important, you really should just deal and go along. And it would definitely be good if you told your guests that what they're attending is a show production, because if you tell them they may be understanding, but if you don't then they'll probably be upset when they find out. You could always still invite everyone to the church ceremony and save some headache.

alhaley88

The problem with having a church ceremony downtown is the cost. We already booked the venue for the ceremony/reception and we don't have any room in the budget for renting a church on a Sunday. I honestly don't think a full audience church ceremony is an option but I will look into it some more.

STARMOON44

flantastic said:

alhaley88 said:

No, the priest wants us to do a quick flyby wedding the morning of our actual wedding. I'm not trying to be selfish but it is our day, not mine and not his. Ours. I don't want to perform a flyby ceremony just to have HIS church recognize it. It's not like we go to church or anything like that. Idk what to do. I am the one who doesn't want to have a church wedding. It's not solely out of convenience for our guests.

Considering the consequences for your FI are serious if you don't do this, you will have to do the bolded for your FI's sake. If there weren't serious consequences that he cared about, he could probably do what's more important to you. As it is, you will have to do what's more important to him. Take it as a lesson in compromise.



I strongly disagree with this. The OP doesn't have to do anything. And certainly she doesn't have to make vows in a church if she doesn't want to. There are obviously requirements to marry in the catholic faith, but the only thing she has to do is talk about this with her FI and decide, together, what their plan is. If her FI actually cared about the church, I'm thinking he'd actually go once in a while and have thought of this before putting a deposit down in a venue.

alhaley88

And thanks ladies for your input

flantastic

alhaley88 said:

The problem with having a church ceremony downtown is the cost. We already booked the venue for the ceremony/reception and we don't have any room in the budget for renting a church on a Sunday. I honestly don't think a full audience church ceremony is an option but I will look into it some more.

The sacraments themselves are supposed to be free to all who ask. Your priest may push back about what would be viewed as your own error in setting planning priorities, but if you say that you have decided that the blessing of the Church is important to you, but that you don't have any room in the budget at this point, you might get somewhere with getting the church for free.

STARMOON44

alhaley88 said:

The problem with having a church ceremony downtown is the cost. We already booked the venue for the ceremony/reception and we don't have any room in the budget for renting a church on a Sunday. I honestly don't think a full audience church ceremony is an option but I will look into it some more.

If that's the concern I'd look into it a bit more. Church fees and sometimes very reasonable, although Sunday may be difficult. A good compromise could involve him making a sacrifice to make the budget work- maybe he sells some stuff, brings rice and beans for lunch etc.

CMGragain

No, you cannot be married ANYWHERE except in a Catholic church, or your marriage will not be recognized by the Catholic church.  This will be your one and only wedding.  Any other services held anywhere else will NOT be your wedding, since you will already be married.
The Catholic church has very strict rules regarding marriage.

CMGragain

alhaley88 said:

I know how to compromise considering I have agreed to abide by all the requirments the Catholic Church has just to get married. I have am issue with having to do a reenactment simply because the Catholic Church requires a church wedding. Why am I the only one compromising here?

You do not have to have a reenactment!  You do have to be married in the Catholic Church if you want your FI to be able to continue practicing his faith.  The reenactment is YOUR idea!  Have your ceremony in the church and your reception in the hotel.

The Catholic Church does not compromise.  Sorry you don't like it, but you are choosing to marry a Catholic.

lyndausvi

Unfortunately when you agreed to have a Catholic Wedding you also agreed to follow the polices of the church.  Those include things like pre-cans and getting married in an actual church.

Sorry this was not told to you ahead of time, but those are indeed the policies of the church. 

If you don't want to get married in a church, whether before hand in a private ceremony or with everyone watching,  then don't have a Catholic wedding.

Signed,

The couple who were both raised Catholic,  got married on a beach, knowing full well it would never be recognized by the church.

P.S - It always surprised me, but a LOT of Catholics do not get they have to get married in the actual church.  They just think it's only pre-cans and having a priest officiant.   I wouldn't hold it against your FI too much for not knowing.   He has a lot of company who think the same thing.   

simcal18

Alhaley, would you be open to having your official, legal wedding take place at the hotel with all your guests and then a private Catholic ceremony a day or two afterward? I'm Catholic and my FI is not and that's what we're doing. My FI and I structured it that way so that our official, legal ceremony was something we were both comfortable with and were sharing with all of our family and friends, and the Catholic ceremony is so that our marriage is valid within the Church. Some people on this board will tell you that the Catholic ceremony and legal ceremony must be one and the same, but some dioceses are stricter about that than others, and if your FI's relative was already willing to perform what you call a "flyby" ceremony he may be open to it.

Honestly, regardless of what you do for your ceremony, I'd look into precana classes. They will help you learn to compromise on issues like this and be more respectful toward each others' beliefs. I'm hearing a lot of distain towards FI's religious views in your posts. I may not be at mass every single Sunday, but that doesn't mean I don't consider myself Catholic, don't want my marriage blessed by the church, or don't want to continue to receive communion (which I wouldn't be able to do unless my marriage were valid within the Catholic Church.) Do you want to have children? If so, will you baptize your children and in what faith? What about first comminion or confirmation? These are issues that you and your FI need to work out before you get married, regardless of where the ceremony takes place or who is officiating.

CMGragain

bostonbride2015 said:

Alhaley, would you be open to having your official, legal wedding take place at the hotel with all your guests and then a private Catholic ceremony a day or two afterward? I'm Catholic and my FI is not and that's what we're doing. My FI and I structured it that way so that our official, legal ceremony was something we were both comfortable with and were sharing with all of our family and friends, and the Catholic ceremony is so that our marriage is valid within the Church. Some people on this board will tell you that the Catholic ceremony and legal ceremony must be one and the same, but some dioceses are stricter about that than others, and if your FI's relative was already willing to perform what you call a "flyby" ceremony he may be open to it. Honestly, regardless of what you do for your ceremony, I'd look into precana classes. They will help you learn to compromise on issues like this and be more respectful toward each others' beliefs. I'm hearing a lot of distain towards FI's religious views in your posts. I may not be at mass every single Sunday, but that doesn't mean I don't consider myself Catholic, don't want my marriage blessed by the church, or don't want to continue to receive communion (which I wouldn't be able to do unless my marriage were valid within the Catholic Church.) Do you want to have children? If so, will you baptize your children and in what faith? What about first comminion or confirmation? These are issues that you and your FI need to work out before you get married, regardless of where the ceremony takes place or who is officiating.

What?  This is not something that the Catholic church would approve!  Has your priest given his permission?  He would need a special dispensation from the bishop, which is not easy to get.  Your priest could be in big trouble for this.

lyndausvi

CMGragain said:

bostonbride2015 said:

Alhaley, would you be open to having your official, legal wedding take place at the hotel with all your guests and then a private Catholic ceremony a day or two afterward? I'm Catholic and my FI is not and that's what we're doing. My FI and I structured it that way so that our official, legal ceremony was something we were both comfortable with and were sharing with all of our family and friends, and the Catholic ceremony is so that our marriage is valid within the Church. Some people on this board will tell you that the Catholic ceremony and legal ceremony must be one and the same, but some dioceses are stricter about that than others, and if your FI's relative was already willing to perform what you call a "flyby" ceremony he may be open to it. Honestly, regardless of what you do for your ceremony, I'd look into precana classes. They will help you learn to compromise on issues like this and be more respectful toward each others' beliefs. I'm hearing a lot of distain towards FI's religious views in your posts. I may not be at mass every single Sunday, but that doesn't mean I don't consider myself Catholic, don't want my marriage blessed by the church, or don't want to continue to receive communion (which I wouldn't be able to do unless my marriage were valid within the Catholic Church.) Do you want to have children? If so, will you baptize your children and in what faith? What about first comminion or confirmation? These are issues that you and your FI need to work out before you get married, regardless of where the ceremony takes place or who is officiating.

What?  This is not something that the Catholic church would approve!  Has your priest given his permission?  He would need a special dispensation from the bishop, which is not easy to get.  Your priest could be in big trouble for this.

Actually that was proposed to us by a priest when we got married.   We spoke to priests in both South Jersey and they USVI, both said the same thing.

Since people in other countries often have to do a civil and religious ceremony I don't think it's as big of a deal as we make it out to be.

We didn't go that route because it wasn't important to us, but doesn't change the fact it was one of the options presented to us.

simcal18

CMGragain said:

bostonbride2015 said:

Alhaley, would you be open to having your official, legal wedding take place at the hotel with all your guests and then a private Catholic ceremony a day or two afterward? I'm Catholic and my FI is not and that's what we're doing. My FI and I structured it that way so that our official, legal ceremony was something we were both comfortable with and were sharing with all of our family and friends, and the Catholic ceremony is so that our marriage is valid within the Church. Some people on this board will tell you that the Catholic ceremony and legal ceremony must be one and the same, but some dioceses are stricter about that than others, and if your FI's relative was already willing to perform what you call a "flyby" ceremony he may be open to it.

Honestly, regardless of what you do for your ceremony, I'd look into precana classes. They will help you learn to compromise on issues like this and be more respectful toward each others' beliefs. I'm hearing a lot of distain towards FI's religious views in your posts. I may not be at mass every single Sunday, but that doesn't mean I don't consider myself Catholic, don't want my marriage blessed by the church, or don't want to continue to receive communion (which I wouldn't be able to do unless my marriage were valid within the Catholic Church.) Do you want to have children? If so, will you baptize your children and in what faith? What about first comminion or confirmation? These are issues that you and your FI need to work out before you get married, regardless of where the ceremony takes place or who is officiating.

What?  This is not something that the Catholic church would approve!  Has your priest given his permission?  He would need a special dispensation from the bishop, which is not easy to get.  Your priest could be in big trouble for this.


My priest has given his permission and is entirely on board with the plan. Another priest in the same area did the same thing for my SIL and BIL. Around here, where interfaith--particularly Jewish/Catholic weddings--are relatively common, it's not an unheard of thing to do.

alhaley88

@bostonbride2015‌ we are doing everything the church requires including the premarriage counseling and the questionaire etc. We will have kids but children take the religion of the mother from what I'm told, so if they are baptized they wouldn't be catholic. I don't have disdain towards the Catholic Church as a whole but more so the hoops we have to jump through for it to be recognized. The thing that saddens and upsets me the most is that if we do have to have a flyby ceremony in a church our parents won't be there because it would be waaaaay before the actual wedding events take place that evening.

Viczaesar

alhaley88 said:

@bostonbride2015‌ we are doing everything the church requires including the premarriage counseling and the questionaire etc. We will have kids but children take the religion of the mother from what I'm told, so if they are baptized they wouldn't be catholic. I don't have disdain towards the Catholic Church as a whole but more so the hoops we have to jump through for it to be recognized. The thing that saddens and upsets me the most is that if we do have to have a flyby ceremony in a church our parents won't be there because it would be waaaaay before the actual wedding events take place that evening.

Who told you that?  Have you discussed that with the priest?  There's a line in your vows about agreeing to raise the kids Catholic.  My understanding is that the non-Catholic party in the marriage (if there is one) doesn't have to promise to raise the kids Catholic but does have to agree not to interfere, and the Catholic party in the marriage does have to promise to raise the kids Catholic.

holyguacamole79

alhaley88 said:

@bostonbride2015‌ we are doing everything the church requires including the premarriage counseling and the questionaire etc. We will have kids but children take the religion of the mother from what I'm told, so if they are baptized they wouldn't be catholic. I don't have disdain towards the Catholic Church as a whole but more so the hoops we have to jump through for it to be recognized. The thing that saddens and upsets me the most is that if we do have to have a flyby ceremony in a church our parents won't be there because it would be waaaaay before the actual wedding events take place that evening.

Why can't your parents come to the church wedding?

simcal18

alhaley88 said:

@bostonbride2015‌ we are doing everything the church requires including the premarriage counseling and the questionaire etc. We will have kids but children take the religion of the mother from what I'm told, so if they are baptized they wouldn't be catholic. I don't have disdain towards the Catholic Church as a whole but more so the hoops we have to jump through for it to be recognized. The thing that saddens and upsets me the most is that if we do have to have a flyby ceremony in a church our parents won't be there because it would be waaaaay before the actual wedding events take place that evening.

Yeah, no. Children do not "take the religion of the mother." Children ultimately grow up to become adults who can practice whatever religion they please, but as children, the religious practices that they are exposed to are determined by both parents. If those parents are of two different religions, then they need to discuss the type of religious life that their children will be exposed to. If you want to raise your children in your religion that's fine, but you need to make sure your FI is on board with that.

You didn't answer my question about whether you would me open to a Catholic ceremony after your legal wedding at the hotel. Is that a compromise you would be more comfortable with? You still sound really resentful of the "hoops" you have to jump through to be married by the Catholic Church. Yes, it can be a pain, but if it's something that as important to your FI you need to work with him to come up with a plan that you can both accept.

MobKaz

holyguacamole79 said:

@bostonbride2015‌ we are doing everything the church requires including the premarriage counseling and the questionaire etc. We will have kids but children take the religion of the mother from what I'm told, so if they are baptized they wouldn't be catholic. I don't have disdain towards the Catholic Church as a whole but more so the hoops we have to jump through for it to be recognized. The thing that saddens and upsets me the most is that if we do have to have a flyby ceremony in a church our parents won't be there because it would be waaaaay before the actual wedding events take place that evening.

Why can't your parents come to the church wedding?

If I understand this, the Catholic "fly by" ceremony (which, BTW, I find offensive) would still happen on the same day.  Are you telling me, OP, that your parents would not put forth an effort to attend just because it occurs earlier on the SAME day? 

Whenever we get posts like this, I am always amazed at how religion and faith has not been discussed prior in the relationship.  Even in the early stages of planning, how did the ceremony NOT get discussed?  I always consider the ceremony the primary concern of the day, and yet it often seems to be an afterthought following venue selection.

holyguacamole79

MobKaz said:

holyguacamole79 said:

@bostonbride2015‌ we are doing everything the church requires including the premarriage counseling and the questionaire etc. We will have kids but children take the religion of the mother from what I'm told, so if they are baptized they wouldn't be catholic. I don't have disdain towards the Catholic Church as a whole but more so the hoops we have to jump through for it to be recognized. The thing that saddens and upsets me the most is that if we do have to have a flyby ceremony in a church our parents won't be there because it would be waaaaay before the actual wedding events take place that evening.

Why can't your parents come to the church wedding?

If I understand this, the Catholic "fly by" ceremony (which, BTW, I find offensive) would still happen on the same day.  Are you telling me, OP, that your parents would not put forth an effort to attend just because it occurs earlier on the SAME day? 

Whenever we get posts like this, I am always amazed at how religion and faith has not been discussed prior in the relationship.  Even in the early stages of planning, how did the ceremony NOT get discussed?  I always consider the ceremony the primary concern of the day, and yet it often seems to be an afterthought following venue selection.

Oh I'm side-eyeing the "fly by" ceremony, too, and the priest who suggested it.

lyndausvi

MobKaz said:

holyguacamole79 said:

@bostonbride2015‌ we are doing everything the church requires including the premarriage counseling and the questionaire etc. We will have kids but children take the religion of the mother from what I'm told, so if they are baptized they wouldn't be catholic. I don't have disdain towards the Catholic Church as a whole but more so the hoops we have to jump through for it to be recognized. The thing that saddens and upsets me the most is that if we do have to have a flyby ceremony in a church our parents won't be there because it would be waaaaay before the actual wedding events take place that evening.

Why can't your parents come to the church wedding?

If I understand this, the Catholic "fly by" ceremony (which, BTW, I find offensive) would still happen on the same day.  Are you telling me, OP, that your parents would not put forth an effort to attend just because it occurs earlier on the SAME day? 

Whenever we get posts like this, I am always amazed at how religion and faith has not been discussed prior in the relationship.  Even in the early stages of planning, how did the ceremony NOT get discussed?  I always consider the ceremony the primary concern of the day, and yet it often seems to be an afterthought following venue selection.

This.

I'm sorry you feel the Catholic polices to be too much, but it's you and your FI's own faults for making assumptions. Do a little research before making inaccurate comments.   

BTW - The religion of the child takes on whatever religion the parents expose them to.    I know plenty of kids who are Catholic when their mom's are not.  I also know kids who are a different religion then their mom.

Not sure why your parents can't attend the Catholic ceremony.  The priest we spoke to even suggested the day before or the Monday after.

southernbelle0915

First of all, I'm really sorry you're feeling so torn right now. My DH and I had a similar situation - he was raised Catholic (I wasn't) and we had to decide what to do about our ceremony. TL;DR - we got married outside and now attend a Methodist church together.

The thing is, when you agree to get married in the Catholic Church, you're taking vows that include being good Catholics, raising any kids Catholic, etc. If you don't agree with those things, then the two of you have a lot of talking to do. You have some soul searching to do. He has some soul searching to do. 

Others have outlined the consequences to him if, as a Catholic, he doesn't marry in the church. This is also a moral dilemma for you - since you're not fully on board with what you're agreeing to. Honestly, the two of you just have to do some private reflection, come together and talk, do more private reflection, come together and talk, etc. Don't listen to anyone else about what you should do - this is a choice for ONLY the two of you. It's not about what HIS parents want or what YOUR parents want.

You only get one ceremony. If it's in the church, fine. If it's at the hotel, fine. But whatever the two of you decide together, own it. Don't let parents, priests, friends or outside people try to sway you.

Also, kids don't necessarily take the religion of the mother - I think you're confusing that with matrilineality in the Jewish faith. The two of you will decide together how to raise any future kids and in what faith (if any).

alhaley88

Okay, while everyones input is appreciated, flyby ceremony is not meant to be offensive and it was my word choice because it would be the most simplest form of a ceremony in a church that can be. I don't know how else to put it simply. BUT due to a situation with his mother, we cannot transport her easily to 2 locations