Proper and polite way to ask about budget help?

[Deleted User]

Hi everyone!

To preface this question, I never asked any family for help with the budget. My parents came forward and said they would help. 

When FI and I got engaged, our plan was to have a wedding that we could afford without expecting financial help from anybody in either of our families. We figured if anybody offered to help, we would look at it as a nice bonus, but never, ever, would we expect it. Over Christmas, my mom said she would help us pay for things, but not everything. While we have been making plans and discussing various ideas, she has mentioned finances, said she will contribute as much money as she can in order to give us the wedding of our dreams, etc. The problem FI and I have is that she has not really specified what she would like to pay for, and it is difficult to know what we should be budgeting for ourselves. 

What is a polite way to ask for what she intends to pay for without seeming rude? We are very appreciative of anything they are willing to offer, and understand that when they pay, they get a say, etc. We're just trying to figure out the rest of our budget. 

LondonLisa

bookishgiraffe said:

Hi everyone!

To preface this question, I never asked any family for help with the budget. My parents came forward and said they would help. 

When FI and I got engaged, our plan was to have a wedding that we could afford without expecting financial help from anybody in either of our families. We figured if anybody offered to help, we would look at it as a nice bonus, but never, ever, would we expect it. Over Christmas, my mom said she would help us pay for things, but not everything. While we have been making plans and discussing various ideas, she has mentioned finances, said she will contribute as much money as she can in order to give us the wedding of our dreams, etc. The problem FI and I have is that she has not really specified what she would like to pay for, and it is difficult to know what we should be budgeting for ourselves. 

What is a polite way to ask for what she intends to pay for without seeming rude? We are very appreciative of anything they are willing to offer, and understand that when they pay, they get a say, etc. We're just trying to figure out the rest of our budget. 

Set the budget that you and your fi can 100% afford to pay for. Your mother knows how to write a cheque, so there really isn't a way to do this. Pay for everything yourselves so if she does contribute, think of her money as reimbursing you rather than extending your budget. 

Personally, I wouldn't bring it up. I don't think there is a way you can without seeming like asking for money.  If your mother wants to give you money, she will. Maybe just include her on more of the choices, such as going to the florist. She might say "Oh, I'll cover this" but be prepared to cover it if she isn't.

I'm not insinuating that your mother would do this, but there are countless stories on these boards of otherwise completely responsible parents saying they are going to give money and then they never do. 

AddieCake

My dad offered to pay for our wedding, so when the time came to start planning, I called him and said I was ready to discuss the budget.

kmmssg

I see nothing wrong with asking her to define her contribution.  She has offered it and mentioned it more than once.  In our family we certainly had those discussions as we had four daughters.  they eac knew we would pay for a large share of the wedding costs but you can't start planning without knowing what that means.  We certainly have the family dynamics to have a conversation like that - especially when the money was offered.

kvruns

One thing that helped my parents was understanding the costs of everything. They said right away they would give me an undetermined amount of $$ toward the wedding, but I knew it wouldn't sway my decisions one way or the other.  I discussed some venues with her and helped her see how much things cost which then helped her and dad decide how much to contribute since they weren't sure how much anything was other than talking to a couple friends who had children get married recently. Maybe that will help your parents too give a specific amount?

My mom effectively said that if I were younger they might have paid for it all, but also had more input into the planning, but they trust me to use the money how I see fit.  Like someone else mentioned, it is more of them reimbursing me for things we're paying for or contracts we are signing as opposed to them writing the check directly to a vendor.

southernbelle0915

She offered, so I don't think it's rude to talk to her about the budget. 

I would preface your conversation with her the same way you prefaced your post here - that you planned to pay for everything yourselves and anything people contribute is a bonus/upgrade. That way, she doesn't feel pressured like if she can't somehow contribute, that there won't be a wedding or something. 

The two main ways people contribute is 1) in a lump sum and 2) paying for certain items. It sounds like #2 might be more her style. I'd start by asking her overall budget and then say, "the flowers/cake/invitations/whatever we're looking at are $X. Does that sound like something you'd want your money to go toward?" And take it from there.

theartistformerlyknownas

Only budget for what you can afford. If she does come through with a check, replenish your savings.

PrettyGirlLost

LondonLisa said:

bookishgiraffe said:

Hi everyone!

To preface this question, I never asked any family for help with the budget. My parents came forward and said they would help. 

When FI and I got engaged, our plan was to have a wedding that we could afford without expecting financial help from anybody in either of our families. We figured if anybody offered to help, we would look at it as a nice bonus, but never, ever, would we expect it. Over Christmas, my mom said she would help us pay for things, but not everything. While we have been making plans and discussing various ideas, she has mentioned finances, said she will contribute as much money as she can in order to give us the wedding of our dreams, etc. The problem FI and I have is that she has not really specified what she would like to pay for, and it is difficult to know what we should be budgeting for ourselves. 

What is a polite way to ask for what she intends to pay for without seeming rude? We are very appreciative of anything they are willing to offer, and understand that when they pay, they get a say, etc. We're just trying to figure out the rest of our budget. 

Set the budget that you and your fi can 100% afford to pay for. Your mother knows how to write a cheque, so there really isn't a way to do this. Pay for everything yourselves so if she does contribute, think of her money as reimbursing you rather than extending your budget. 

Personally, I wouldn't bring it up. I don't think there is a way you can without seeming like asking for money.  If your mother wants to give you money, she will. Maybe just include her on more of the choices, such as going to the florist. She might say "Oh, I'll cover this" but be prepared to cover it if she isn't.

I'm not insinuating that your mother would do this, but there are countless stories on these boards of otherwise completely responsible parents saying they are going to give money and then they never do. 

This.  Don't ever count on promu=ised money until it is sitting in your  bank account. 

loves2shop4shoes

I don't think it's rude to ask her how much she plans to contribute, or what specifically she'd like to pay for.  She did offer.

That being said, ONLY count on that money once it has cleared into your bank account.  Trust me.  (My dad had offered to pay for my entire wedding, and reneged after getting sued by my mom.  And that happened after DH and I had already used the money we saved for the wedding to pay down student loans.)

MyNameIsNot

Since she's already offered, it's fine to bring it up. Still, it's a little uncomfortable to ask. I had the same situation. My mother kept saying "we want to help you pay for the wedding" but she never gave me any specifics. I didn't want to bring it up cold, so I waited for her to mention it again, and I asked what she had in mind. At that point, we sat down and talked about the budget and specifics. 

It kind of sounds like she might not yet know what she's able to contribute. If she doesn't know yet, it's probably best to plan for what you can afford on your own, and then use anything she gifts you to replenish savings, splurge on a honeymoon, or to add extras later on. 

NowIamMrsKlein

Agree with PP's about not counting on the money until its in the bank. If you were planning on paying for the wedding yourself, then you can consider any contribution as a reimbursement to your savings. That way you don't upgrade something and are left scrambling if the money doesnt come through. This isn't saying that your mother may flake on the money, but things happen in life and she may not be able to contribute.

ex. My parent's had generously offered to pay for the catering. My dad had a stress related episode at work and ended up in the hospital with heart attack symptoms. He's considering retiring before my wedding when originally he had 2 more years before retirement. There is no way I am accepting money from my parents in this situation. So we had to budget to pay for it ourselves. If for any reason he decides to stay working and wants to still contribute, that money will reimburse the money we put out ourselves.


However your mum has offered to help pay, so you should be able to sit down and discuss it with her."Here's where we are at with planning, we are trying to come up with a final budget. We are fully capable of paying for it all ourselves, but as you mentioned earlier you wished to contribute we wanted to keep you involved in the planning process" This opens up dialogue for her to re-state her intentions, and as you are sitting chatting wedding planning you can maybe mention some options, without outright saying 'mom how much money are you giving me and when"

[Deleted User]

I've thought about just not asking her for the specifics and just considering any money she gives us as a reimbursement. The more I think about it, though, the more I feel like I will have to bring it up. She recently sent us a few signed blank checks, which she said we should use on deposits or other wedding related expenses as they come up. I'm sure you can imagine our confusion, since that really doesn't designate anything specific she wants to pay for. 

Originally she seemed like she would pay for venue/food, since that is what my sister in law's family paid for at her wedding, and Mom liked that idea. But when we've told her how much other things will cost (photographer, etc) she asks how much they will cost and when we would need a deposit by. So it's been hard to get a clear answer what exactly she will be helping with. 

So it looks like I'm going to be taking the advice of some of the Knotties in this thread, and asking if she has a specific plan for her contributions. I don't like asking for money, and since we never intended to ask for it, it's a bit awkward to bring up. 

littlepep

bookishgiraffe said:

I've thought about just not asking her for the specifics and just considering any money she gives us as a reimbursement. The more I think about it, though, the more I feel like I will have to bring it up. She recently sent us a few signed blank checks, which she said we should use on deposits or other wedding related expenses as they come up. I'm sure you can imagine our confusion, since that really doesn't designate anything specific she wants to pay for. 

Originally she seemed like she would pay for venue/food, since that is what my sister in law's family paid for at her wedding, and Mom liked that idea. But when we've told her how much other things will cost (photographer, etc) she asks how much they will cost and when we would need a deposit by. So it's been hard to get a clear answer what exactly she will be helping with. 

So it looks like I'm going to be taking the advice of some of the Knotties in this thread, and asking if she has a specific plan for her contributions. I don't like asking for money, and since we never intended to ask for it, it's a bit awkward to bring up. 

A blank check is definitely confusing. I would ask her to be more definitive in what her contribution will be in this case. You don't want to end up with frustration/anger later if you both have different expectations. 

kellyem2

I'd go ahead and ask.  Make it clear you aren't expecting any particular dollar amount and thank her again for offering to help you with your wedding and you should be in the clear.

It may not necessarily match the etiquette answers in the books, but at least you'll know where you stand so there aren't any hurt feelings or fights later.

theartistformerlyknownas

Ooh boy. Blank checks are definitely awkward.

Do you have any deposits due now? If so, I'd probably call her up and say "Hey Mom, I owe the venue $2000 and the photographer $1000 this month; are those the deposits you intended these checks for? Should I go ahead and write them? Is there a different amount you'd rather have me write them for?"

SP29

Well, it's nice that she has offered up the cash (or cheque!) outright, but blank cheques are confusing.

Since she has physically given these to you, I would definitely call her up and ask what she'd like the money to go towards- is this $100 or $1000??

Good idea from lolo- if you have a deposit now (or one in mind), I would ask her if she is comfortable with one of the cheques going to that figure. 

[Deleted User]

She called last night and I was able to easily bring it up in conversation, which was nice. We still don't have a direct answer, since she says we will talk about each vendor when it comes time to look at them and book them, and decide who is paying for what. It's not a completely direct answer, but it is better than before.