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bride2b4409

plainjane0415

When is your wedding date?

LondonLisa

brittanymontgomery said:

Hi All!

So I am having a sort of dilemma right now with my Maid and Matron of Honor. First these are two women I have grown really close to over my past 3 years in graduate school and were honestly the two most supportive and best friends I had ever had. I was a bridesmaid in my matron of honor's wedding and my maid obviously isn't married yet and she would more than likely have her childhood friend as her maid of honor. I knew all of this when I asked them to have the title of honor and it didn't bother me because of how great of friends they had been to me and how close we were. About six months ago I graduated and since they we have slowly drifted. They are both still in school and extremely busy so I completely understand and don't overwhelm them with wedding stuff. However, I am now always the person to call them and we will go weeks without talking if I don't call them and they don't even text to check in and see how things are going. I know they are busy but it would be nice if they showed some sort of interest every once in a while. I now feel like I made a huge mistake asking them and should have asked one of my best friends from high school who has been more involved with everything. I feel that I can't really just tell them I want them to be bridesmaids now, I do still want them to be a part of my special day, because that is way rude so I didn't know if I could just add my best friend from high school and have her be a co-maid of honor and have 2 maids of honor and a matron of honor. I have 6 total in my bridal party. Is this weird? Am I being too over dramatic and sensitive about this?

I would really appreciate any feedback.

No one will care about your wedding as much as you do. What do you expect your Maid/Matron to do that a bridesmaid couldn't? All a BM/MoH has to do is show up on the day in the dress. 

Secondly, have you tried taking the wedding out of the equation and talking to them about what is going on in their life? It sounds like your friends are really, really busy with uni. You need to cut them some slack. 

Absolutely do not appoint another MoH! My MoH has a 3 year old and is pregnant, so she is obviously very busy. Another one of my bridesmaids is very kindly leading on the Hen Do. MoH is a position of honour, not the person who can do the most for you. Yes, you are being far too overdramatic and sensitive. 

bride2b4409

bride2b4409

 

arrrghmatey

LondonLisa said:

brittanymontgomery said:

Hi All!

So I am having a sort of dilemma right now with my Maid and Matron of Honor. First these are two women I have grown really close to over my past 3 years in graduate school and were honestly the two most supportive and best friends I had ever had. I was a bridesmaid in my matron of honor's wedding and my maid obviously isn't married yet and she would more than likely have her childhood friend as her maid of honor. I knew all of this when I asked them to have the title of honor and it didn't bother me because of how great of friends they had been to me and how close we were. About six months ago I graduated and since they we have slowly drifted. They are both still in school and extremely busy so I completely understand and don't overwhelm them with wedding stuff. However, I am now always the person to call them and we will go weeks without talking if I don't call them and they don't even text to check in and see how things are going. I know they are busy but it would be nice if they showed some sort of interest every once in a while. I now feel like I made a huge mistake asking them and should have asked one of my best friends from high school who has been more involved with everything. I feel that I can't really just tell them I want them to be bridesmaids now, I do still want them to be a part of my special day, because that is way rude so I didn't know if I could just add my best friend from high school and have her be a co-maid of honor and have 2 maids of honor and a matron of honor. I have 6 total in my bridal party. Is this weird? Am I being too over dramatic and sensitive about this?

I would really appreciate any feedback.

No one will care about your wedding as much as you do. What do you expect your Maid/Matron to do that a bridesmaid couldn't? All a BM/MoH has to do is show up on the day in the dress. 

Secondly, have you tried taking the wedding out of the equation and talking to them about what is going on in their life? It sounds like your friends are really, really busy with uni. You need to cut them some slack. 

Absolutely do not appoint another MoH! My MoH has a 3 year old and is pregnant, so she is obviously very busy. Another one of my bridesmaids is very kindly leading on the Hen Do. MoH is a position of honour, not the person who can do the most for you. Yes, you are being far too overdramatic and sensitive. 

^This. It may be a hard pill to swallow, but it's true. No one, not even your best friends, care as much about your wedding as you do. And they will get sick of constant wedding talk. Have you considered calling them up and going out as FRIENDS, not as people in your wedding party? Ask them about what is gong on in their lives? They may be going through some stressful times themselves and you just don't see it. I think you are expecting too much if your bridals party. As LondonLisa said, all they have to do is show up in the dress on the day of your wedding. Don't expect anything else.

And DO NOT change your MOH. That is a friend-changing move.

southernbelle0915

Yes, I do think you''re being slightly oversensitive and dramatic. 

You said yourself, they're still in grad school. They're busy. You don't see them every day anymore. That happens when life moves on. 

What you're considering is "demoting" them because they haven't shown as much interest in your wedding as someone else (who is not as busy). I really think that's ridiculous. Don't let the wedding industry cloud your better judgment - they aren't required to do/say anything except show up to the wedding on time and wearing the right dress. They're still your best friends. Remember that.

mikenberger

brittanymontgomery said:

Hi All!

So I am having a sort of dilemma right now with my Maid and Matron of Honor. First these are two women I have grown really close to over my past 3 years in graduate school and were honestly the two most supportive and best friends I had ever had. I was a bridesmaid in my matron of honor's wedding and my maid obviously isn't married yet and she would more than likely have her childhood friend as her maid of honor. I knew all of this when I asked them to have the title of honor and it didn't bother me because of how great of friends they had been to me and how close we were. About six months ago I graduated and since they we have slowly drifted. They are both still in school and extremely busy so I completely understand and don't overwhelm them with wedding stuff. However, I am now always the person to call them and we will go weeks without talking if I don't call them and they don't even text to check in and see how things are going. I know they are busy but it would be nice if they showed some sort of interest every once in a while. I now feel like I made a huge mistake asking them and should have asked one of my best friends from high school who has been more involved with everything. I feel that I can't really just tell them I want them to be bridesmaids now, I do still want them to be a part of my special day, because that is way rude so I didn't know if I could just add my best friend from high school and have her be a co-maid of honor and have 2 maids of honor and a matron of honor. I have 6 total in my bridal party. Is this weird? Am I being too over dramatic and sensitive about this?

I would really appreciate any feedback.

Change your screenname. Internet safety here, my dear! Don't use your real name.

Once you already select your bridal party, you're kind of in it until the end. They haven't done anything out of control that would warrant a removal from the bridal party and you're right: it's WAY RUDE. If you already have an established bridal party, I would not be adding these friends. Then they're pretty much b-listed/second choice bridesmaids when the other ones weren't as available as you wanted them to be. Bridesmaids have to get a dress that you select within their budget and show up sober and on time. Nothing beyond that. 

Have you tried contacting these friends about things that are not wedding related? Maybe they want you to be their friend again and not "that girl who asked me to be in her wedding."

levioosa

First of all: you have asked them so you cannot unask them (or demote them).  Kicking them out (or demoting them) of the wedding party is a friendship ending move.  The only things your BP is required to do is to show up on time, sober, and in the dress on the day of the wedding.  Anything else (pre-wedding parties, help with planning, etc) is a bonus and should not be expected. 

Let the wedding stuff go.  They are in grad school with a ton on their plates.  Do you call them to ask about how they are doing in general, or have the last few conversations all been focused on your wedding?  Not everyone is into weddings.  You are being a little dramatic and sensitive about this.  Focus on your friendships first and take the wedding out of the equation. Your wedding is one day.  I'm guessing you wanted these friendships to last a lifetime?  So treat these friendships like they were meant to last. 

bride2b4409

flutteringinfl

brittanymontgomery said:

I do not expect my maid and matron of honor to do anything more than a bridesmaid does. And yes I have talked to them about what is going on with their lives. That is why I call them to see how things are going. But again, I am the only person that calls and if I don't then we don't talk. Yes, it is a position of honor so I expected them to at least ask how things are going every once in a while and I believe that is not asking much. 

I am not choosing who can do the most for me because I am not asking them to do anything except see how things are going.

People drift apart. It's a fact of life. I have three bridesmaids who I sometimes go weeks without talking to, because we're all very busy and have lives. There were times when it bugged me and I worried our friendships were in jeopardy but then I would reach out to them again and realize that friendships as adults really are different than friendships in childhood or even in college.

I'm not sure what kind of feedback you're looking for. You know you can't control others so you can't make these girls be the one to initiate conversations if that's what you're looking for, and you should take your wedding out of the equation when deciding if you're okay with that.

thisismynickname2

One other thing. You say that sometimes you guys go weeks without calling or texting and checking in.

I think that's just adulthood, and evolving relationships, frankly. I have a small group of friends and we can go months without talking, and when we do again, it's like no time has passed. People get busy. That's life. That doesn't mean people don't care. 

climbingsingle

southernbelle0915 said:

Yes, I do think you''re being slightly oversensitive and dramatic. 

You said yourself, they're still in grad school. They're busy. You don't see them every day anymore. That happens when life moves on. 

What you're considering is "demoting" them because they haven't shown as much interest in your wedding as someone else (who is not as busy). I really think that's ridiculous. Don't let the wedding industry cloud your better judgment - they aren't required to do/say anything except show up to the wedding on time and wearing the right dress. They're still your best friends. Remember that.

Ditto this exactly. 

climbingsingle

brittanymontgomery said:

Okay I think there is some confusion. I am not bombarding them with wedding things because I know they are busy. The only thing I have asked help with is favors for the bridal shower which is not until May, that is it. And I am not changing the MOH just adding one. And yes we have gone out as friends when I arrange it. The point is we don't talk unless I call them or text them. And asking someone how things are going in their life is not too much to ask when I am doing the same. Again, not every time I talk to them has to do with my wedding either. 

I am not sure why everyone thinks I am asking too much of them when all I am asking is that they ask every once in a while how things are going  in my life not even with the wedding when I make time to ask them how their life is going.

1. Why are you making favors for your own shower?

2. Why not ask your FI to help? 

mikenberger

brittanymontgomery said:

Okay I think there is some confusion. I am not bombarding them with wedding things because I know they are busy. The only thing I have asked help with is favors for the bridal shower which is not until May, that is it. And I am not changing the MOH just adding one. And yes we have gone out as friends when I arrange it. The point is we don't talk unless I call them or text them. And asking someone how things are going in their life is not too much to ask when I am doing the same. Again, not every time I talk to them has to do with my wedding either. 

I am not sure why everyone thinks I am asking too much of them when all I am asking is that they ask every once in a while how things are going  in my life not even with the wedding when I make time to ask them how their life is going.

They do not have to help with your shower unless they've offered to host it. You are asking too much of them right there. 

As far as "they only do things when I plan it" Some people are planners. I am a natural planner. I love to get my group of friends together for dinner. But I know, if I don't do it, we'll just Facebook and text and stuff. When we all get together, it's a blast and everybody says "We should do this more often!" but you need to understand that friendships are not tit for tat. Some people are natural planners. I understand the desire to have them WANT to see you and call you, but some people just don't operate like that. Like it or leave it.

plainjane0415

brittanymontgomery said:

I do not expect my maid and matron of honor to do anything more than a bridesmaid does. And yes I have talked to them about what is going on with their lives. That is why I call them to see how things are going. But again, I am the only person that calls and if I don't then we don't talk. Yes, it is a position of honor so I expected them to at least ask how things are going every once in a while and I believe that is not asking much. 

I am not choosing who can do the most for me because I am not asking them to do anything except see how things are going.

You can expect all you want, but if they are busy, they're busy and there's nothing you can do about that.  Or should do about that.  Demoting someone at all is not ok, but specifically because they don't call you enough is just silly.

LondonLisa

brittanymontgomery said:

Okay I think there is some confusion. I am not bombarding them with wedding things because I know they are busy. The only thing I have asked help with is favors for the bridal shower which is not until May, that is it. And I am not changing the MOH just adding one. And yes we have gone out as friends when I arrange it. The point is we don't talk unless I call them or text them. And asking someone how things are going in their life is not too much to ask when I am doing the same. Again, not every time I talk to them has to do with my wedding either. 

I am not sure why everyone thinks I am asking too much of them when all I am asking is that they ask every once in a while how things are going  in my life not even with the wedding when I make time to ask them how their life is going.

The only people that should be doing wedding DIY is you and your Fi.  None of your BM's are required to do this. Do you normally ask your friends to come over to help you with DIY? 

If your other BM wants to help (and has volunteered without being asked) then why not just have her help. There is no rule that one must be a MoH to assist with DIY. Also, why are you doing the favours, the hostess should really be handling this. 

But the main point: THIS IS A FRIEND ISSUE, NOT A WEDDING ISSUE. Take your other BM/MOH posistions out of it. If it is a habitual pattern, it is OK to say that you miss them and wish they could take more initiative to call you, just as you would do if you weren't getting married. Don't mention your wedding at all, and certainly don't mention the silliness around your DIY. 

However, you really need to ask yourself: if you weren't planning a wedding, would this bother you so much? Or would you just say "I know X and Y are really busy at grad school, I miss them and I wish they called more, but I'm going to cut them some slack because I know this is temporary"

redoryx

brittanymontgomery said:

Okay I think there is some confusion. I am not bombarding them with wedding things because I know they are busy. The only thing I have asked help with is favors for the bridal shower which is not until May, that is it. And I am not changing the MOH just adding one. And yes we have gone out as friends when I arrange it. The point is we don't talk unless I call them or text them. And asking someone how things are going in their life is not too much to ask when I am doing the same. Again, not every time I talk to them has to do with my wedding either. 

I am not sure why everyone thinks I am asking too much of them when all I am asking is that they ask every once in a while how things are going  in my life not even with the wedding when I make time to ask them how their life is going.

1) It's great if they offer to help with anything wedding related, but you shouldn't ask. 

2) If you do need help, go to your FI. That's what he's there for. 

3) Why are you doing favors for your shower? The hosts should be doing that. You as the bride should not be involved in planning your shower.

That being said, friendships ebb and flow. I was in grad school when my BFF got engaged and was planning her wedding and I was one of her BMs and we would go weeks without talking and it was so not a big deal. Even now I can go for long periods of time without talking to some of my friends, but it doesn't mean anything other than we are both very busy people with stuff going on in our lives.

levioosa

brittanymontgomery said:

Okay I think there is some confusion. I am not bombarding them with wedding things because I know they are busy. The only thing I have asked help with is favors for the bridal shower which is not until May, that is it. And I am not changing the MOH just adding one. And yes we have gone out as friends when I arrange it. The point is we don't talk unless I call them or text them. And asking someone how things are going in their life is not too much to ask when I am doing the same. Again, not every time I talk to them has to do with my wedding either. 

I am not sure why everyone thinks I am asking too much of them when all I am asking is that they ask every once in a while how things are going  in my life not even with the wedding when I make time to ask them how their life is going.

You were wrong to ask them to help making favors.  That is you and your FI's job. And are you throwing your own bridal shower?  You shouldn't be hosting your own shower.  It is very tacky (aka. Gimme gifts!!!)

Once again, they are in grad school.  Depending on what it is for/what the program entails, they might not even have time to feed themselves properly.  Continue to be a good friend to them. You said they at one point in time were the best friends ever.  Either you are finally drifting apart, or life is just getting in the way a little bit right now.  Regardless of which it is, it's not worth the drama you're creating for yourself. 

bride2b4409

southernbelle0915

Look, I get feeling sad and frustrated when you feel like you're the only one putting effort into a friendship. It's frustrating. It makes you feel like a nag. It makes you question whether they still want to be friends - whether you'd talk at all if you weren't making the effort.

It's one of two things:

1) they're busy with grad school and they're distracted right now

2) y'all have drifted apart. 

I'm really guessing it's #1, based on what you've said. Grad school isn't forever. Don't judge the friendship too much right now. At some point, you'll be the busy one and you'll appreciate your friends continuing to reach out to you.

bride2b4409

plainjane0415

brittanymontgomery said:

Okay thank you all for opinions and giving me some insight.  It seems we have differing ideas about how supportive a bridal party should be and I do not think I made the situation and all of its elements as clear as I could have. Thanks for your comments and interest in my post.

Best of luck with all of your wedding endeavors this year! 

What support do you need from your wedding party?  Is a wedding a traumatic experience? I think not.  All they have to do is show up in said dress, and stand next to you on your wedding day.  THAT'S IT.

flantastic

brittanymontgomery said:

Okay thank you all for opinions and giving me some insight.  It seems we have differing ideas about how supportive a bridal party friends should be and I do not think I made the situation and all of its elements as clear as I could have. Thanks for your comments and interest in my post.

Best of luck with all of your wedding endeavors this year! 

FTFY.

This is your real problem. You are conflating what you want out of a friendship with some imaginary expectations of what a bridal party should do as "support." Planning a wedding is a lot. Grad school is also a lot.

Luckily, you have a FI to go to for wedding-related support... and if you plan right, it should mostly be a joyful time where you're focused on getting to marry your FI, not focused on what your friends aren't doing for you.

bride2b4409

 

LondonLisa

brittanymontgomery said:

Okay thank you all for opinions and giving me some insight.  It seems we have differing ideas about how supportive a bridal party should be and I do not think I made the situation and all of its elements as clear as I could have. Thanks for your comments and interest in my post.

Best of luck with all of your wedding endeavors this year! 

What support do you need? Do you really view helping with party favours as "support"? 

I really think you should ask yourself that question I mentioned before: If you weren't getting married would this bother you so much?

I get it- I have had friends become really busy and you wish they would call. When I was in grad school, I might not have been the best of friend and I did have friends say that they missed me and wished I could call more. But I would have laughed in their face if they said I didn't support them because I couldn't drop my 100,000 word thesis on top of my teaching requirements and constant reading, to make some favours. 

Again:

This is OK

Calling them and saying you miss them and you wish they could call you more

Not OK:

Demoting them

Appointing another MoH

Asking BMs or MOH for help with Wedding DIY

Being upset bc your friends are too busy with grad school to help with your wedding beyond the requirements of buying the dress and showing up.

LondonLisa

brittanymontgomery said:

I started this post for feedback which some of you have given me so thank you. I did not start this post so people could start insulting me or how I feel about something. 

OP, no one was insulting you. 

flantastic

brittanymontgomery said:

I started this post for feedback which some of you have given me so thank you. I did not start this post so people could start insulting me or how I feel about something. 

No one did that. They said that you're probably overreacting, but that only you can decide if you're willing to continue putting all the effort into these friendships. On the friend side of things, everyone was very supportive and just trying to keep you from doing something you might regret.

If you "feel" that your BMs should be helping you plan your wedding if they're good BMs, then that is just wrong and an unreasonable expectation. The role of a bridal party is that they are the people whose friendship with you you honor by asking them to stand next to you as you get married. They don't need to do anything wedding-related to earn this honor. That's why this is a friend issue.

MyNameIsNot

brittanymontgomery said:

Okay thank you all for opinions and giving me some insight.  It seems we have differing ideas about how supportive a bridal party should be and I do not think I made the situation and all of its elements as clear as I could have. Thanks for your comments and interest in my post.

Best of luck with all of your wedding endeavors this year! 

You have made the situation very clear. You are considering the nuclear option in response to a non-issue, and you refuse to accept the good advice you've been offered.

Friendships change over time. In school, you see your friends and talk to them all the time. After graduation, you learn to keep up friendships while seeing and talking to your friends less often. It's part of life. Part of being an adult and friend also means that you understand when a friend has something going on and can't always talk to you or doesn't take the lead on planning get togethers. As an adult, you deal with this an adapt. You don't go psycho and do something excessively hurtful like changing their role in your WP because you can't deal with it.

The purpose of your WP is to be honored in your wedding. It is not to support you or to make crafts. If you like making crafts so much that you're willing to overstep the bounds of the shower hosts, you don't go turn around and ask someone else to help you with it. 

You're creating problems for no reason. Stop it. 

levioosa

brittanymontgomery said:

You were wrong to ask them to help making favors.  That is you and your FI's job. And are you throwing your own bridal shower?  You shouldn't be hosting your own shower.  It is very tacky (aka. Gimme gifts!!!) 

Not that this is your business, no I am not hosting my own shower so therefore it is not tacky. I just wanted to help make favors because I happen to like crafts and the bridal party is helping host it. 

Again thank you all for your opinions and feedback and maybe I am being too sensitive. But I am done with this posting because now it is just getting ridiculous. 

It's an open forum, so people will continue to post and comment on whatever they see fit. 

I don't know how or why looking to your FI for wedding support and being a good friend are difficult concepts? 

PrettyGirlLost

brittanymontgomery said:

Hi All!

So I am having a sort of dilemma right now with my Maid and Matron of Honor. First these are two women I have grown really close to over my past 3 years in graduate school and were honestly the two most supportive and best friends I had ever had.

I was a bridesmaid in my matron of honor's wedding and my maid obviously isn't married yet and she would more than likely have her childhood friend as her maid of honor. I knew all of this when I asked them to have the title of honor and it didn't bother me because of how great of friends they had been to me and how close we were.

About six months ago I graduated and since they we have slowly drifted. They are both still in school and extremely busy so I completely understand and don't overwhelm them with wedding stuff. However, I am now always the person to call them and we will go weeks without talking if I don't call them and they don't even text to check in and see how things are going. I know they are busy but it would be nice if they showed some sort of interest every once in a while.  When you call or text them, are you bringing up your wedding each and every time?  The majority of the time?  If so, I'd bet that is why they aren't returning your calls. . . no one will be as excited about your wedding as you, and no one will want to talk about your wedding all the time.

However, if that is not the case, perhaps they are just really, really busy.  I'd keep reaching out to them.

I now feel like I made a huge mistake asking them and should have asked one of my best friends from high school who has been more involved with everything. You don't ask people to stand up with you and be in your wedding party due to their involvement in your wedding.  You ask people to be in your wedding party because they are your closest friends and family, and you are honoring them by giving them a ceremonial role in your wedding ceremony.  Please don't expect anyone other than your FI to be as involved in your wedding planing as you.  I feel that I can't really just tell them I want them to be bridesmaids now, I do still want them to be a part of my special day, because that is way rude so I didn't know if I could just add my best friend from high school and have her be a co-maid of honor and have 2 maids of honor and a matron of honor. I have 6 total in my bridal party. Is this weird? Am I being too over dramatic and sensitive about this?  Yes, you are being too dramatic and sensitive.  There's really no difference between an MOH and a BM, aside from a title that no one will ever no about or see unless you have programs. . .and even then, your guests won't care.  MOHs and BMs all do the exact same thing- walk down the aisle holding flowers, stand around during the ceremony, take pictures afterwards.  The only time the MOH does anything different is during Catholic weddings were the MOH and Best Man stand at the altar with you, and most churches only allow one MOH and Best Man up there.

So, if you want to add those ladies to your bridal party because you are so close to them too, then do it.  Although it may be kind of late now and they may feel like an afterthought to be asked.

I would really appreciate any feedback.

Change your username, BTW.  Internet safety and all.