NWR: Child B-Day Party Invite Etiquette

levioosa

So, my coworker knows I'm into etiquette, and she asked me a question, but I'm not totally sure on the answer.

Scenario:  It's a child's birthday party.  Is the host (aka probably the child's parents) required to invite ALL children from a family?  Or is it etiquette improved only to invite the child's friend even if there are more siblings in the family?  My gut instinct was to say that a birthday party differs from the splitting up families rule we see with weddings, but I wasn't sure.  Am I right in thinking it's okay to only invite the friend? 

AddieCake

If the kid isn't friends with the other kids, I wouldn't invite them, unless they were twins or like a year apart, maybe. 

levioosa

AddieCake said:

If the kid isn't friends with the other kids, I wouldn't invite them, unless they were twins or like a year apart, maybe. 

That was my first thought too.  The whole question came about because coworker's FB friend posted about how upset she was that her whole brood of children wasn't invited to a birthday party.  "It's too hard to find child care!  What am I supposed to do with his siblings while I'm at the party with him!?  They need to be invited too!" 

Just the entitlement alone had me thinking it was okay to invite the friend without his siblings. 

poodledoodleooo

I think it would be fine to invite the friend of child only rather than the whole family - in this case the child is essentially operating as it's own social-unit, as she has her own friends here and is being invited as a peer rather than a dependent. You wouldn't be required to invite your adult friend's siblings to a party, now would you?

I think there are a lot of factors to consider here though, logistically. Like if the children are old enough to be dropped off at the party and picked up later, or if it is expected for a parent of child to hang around at the party. If a child can be dropped off, I see little reason to include siblings. If the child is required to have a parent available, more children will likely have to decline if the siblings aren't included.

As a kid - my brother and I were invited to separate parties all the time and it wasn't a big deal.

ETA: I think it would be courteous, though not required, to invite siblings if kids at the party are going to be required to be supervised by their own parent.

delujm0

levioosa said:

AddieCake said:

If the kid isn't friends with the other kids, I wouldn't invite them, unless they were twins or like a year apart, maybe. 

That was my first thought too.  The whole question came about because coworker's FB friend posted about how upset she was that her whole brood of children wasn't invited to a birthday party.  "It's too hard to find child care!  What am I supposed to do with his siblings while I'm at the party with him!?  They need to be invited too!" 

Just the entitlement alone had me thinking it was okay to invite the friend without his siblings. 

 

Question: When did it become a thing that parents stay with their kids at other kids' birthday parties?  When i was a kid, i have vivid memories of birthday parties where my mom dropped me off at the beginning and picked me up at the end.  I mean i guess you don't do that with a toddler, but if the kid is old enough to go to school all day, presumably you can leave them with the parents who are actually in charge of the party for a few hours, right?

 

If the parent of the invitee is required to attend the party to supervise his/her own kid, it might make sense to allow him/her to bring other kids along...especially younger ones.  I'd be pretty annoyed at having to get a babysitter for one kid because the other one had a party to go to.  Again, i'd think i could just drop the one off at the party while i watched the other one myself in my own home or wherever i wanted to.  If it cost me $20 to get a birthday gift for my kid's friend that's one thing...if it would ALSO cost me a bunch of money to get a babysitter for my other kids for a few hours, i'd be kind of annoyed.  If i'm going to pay a baby sitter, it's not gonig to be so that i can watch a bunch of other people's children run around.  It's going to be so that i can go on a child-free date night.

bethsmiles

sjf2715 said:

I think it would be fine to invite the friend of child only rather than the whole family - in this case the child is essentially operating as it's own social-unit, as she has her own friends here and is being invited as a peer rather than a dependent. You wouldn't be required to invite your adult friend's siblings to a party, now would you?

I think there are a lot of factors to consider here though, logistically. Like if the children are old enough to be dropped off at the party and picked up later, or if it is expected for a parent of child to hang around at the party. If a child can be dropped off, I see little reason to include siblings. If the child is required to have a parent available, more children will likely have to decline if the siblings aren't included.

As a kid - my brother and I were invited to separate parties all the time and it wasn't a big deal.

ETA: I think it would be courteous, though not required, to invite siblings if kids at the party are going to be required to be supervised by their own parent.

Ditto. I don't think there is any need to invite siblings of friends to a kid's birthday party.

Do parents really not just drop their kids off at birthday parties anymore? Why would they need to stay?

levioosa

bethsmiles said:

sjf2715 said:

I think it would be fine to invite the friend of child only rather than the whole family - in this case the child is essentially operating as it's own social-unit, as she has her own friends here and is being invited as a peer rather than a dependent. You wouldn't be required to invite your adult friend's siblings to a party, now would you?

I think there are a lot of factors to consider here though, logistically. Like if the children are old enough to be dropped off at the party and picked up later, or if it is expected for a parent of child to hang around at the party. If a child can be dropped off, I see little reason to include siblings. If the child is required to have a parent available, more children will likely have to decline if the siblings aren't included.

As a kid - my brother and I were invited to separate parties all the time and it wasn't a big deal.

ETA: I think it would be courteous, though not required, to invite siblings if kids at the party are going to be required to be supervised by their own parent.

Ditto. I don't think there is any need to invite siblings of friends to a kid's birthday party.

Do parents really not just drop their kids off at birthday parties anymore? Why would they need to stay?

Maybe to sign release forms at theme park-ish b-day parties?  I don't know.  I remember being dropped off all the time too. 

Heffalump

I only invite siblings if they're both friends of my DD--like the boys next door or the girls down the street.  If it's her best friend from school, I only invite the friend, not the friend's 3 y.o. brother or 4th grader sister.  Aside from the fact that I don't believe siblings are a social unit for kid party purposes, the logistics of having that many kids (friends + all the friends' siblings) means you probably have to cut some of your kid's actual friends to make room for other friends' siblings.  Plus a few years age difference can be huge in elementary school--what works for kindergarteners might be reallly boring for a third grader. 

TL;DR:  totally fine to just invite the kid's friend.

MGP

Currently in the preschool age birthday party circuit so I will share my thoughts:

With this age range, it's very common.  In fact, so common that I budget for it and have no problem with it.  **  ETA - as long as they are close in age where it would make sense for them to do the activities together.  A 3 and 5 year old?  Not a problem.  A 3 and 12 year old?  Nope.  **  At this age you are never inviting just the child.  You are inviting the child, their parent, and probably a sibling.  It kind of sucks because your guest list grows quickly.  However, I totally understand it.  I would NEVER pay for a babysitter to watch one kid while I take the other kid to a birthday party.  Probably one of the many reasons why I decided to have just one kid.  

In the OP's situation I would invite just the child, but be prepared if the parents ask if other siblings can come.  Yes, it's kind of rude but it's less rude than the host expecting the family to find something else for the other kid to do while they come eat cake at the Precious Pumpkin's festivities.  Seriously, it's an hour and a half party.  Order some extra snacks and chairs and make it easier on everyone.

Now if they are older and it's a "drop off" type birthday party - hell no.

levioosa

Heffalump said:

I only invite siblings if they're both friends of my DD--like the boys next door or the girls down the street.  If it's her best friend from school, I only invite the friend, not the friend's 3 y.o. brother or 4th grader sister.  Aside from the fact that I don't believe siblings are a social unit for kid party purposes, the logistics of having that many kids (friends + all the friends' siblings) means you probably have to cut some of your kid's actual friends to make room for other friends' siblings.  Plus a few years age difference can be huge in elementary school--what works for kindergarteners might be reallly boring for a third grader. 

TL;DR:  totally fine to just invite the kid's friend.

That's a good point.  I know as a kid I had zero desire to go to my brother's friend's b-day parties.  We were only like 2.5 years apart, but they just didn't appeal to me at all.  I'm sure my BFF's 13th b-day party where we went to the movies to see Charlie's Angels in our pjs had zero appeal for my brother either. 

levioosa

MGP said:

Currently in the preschool age birthday party circuit so I will share my thoughts:

With this age range, it's very common.  In fact, so common that I budget for it and have no problem with it.  **  ETA - as long as they are close in age where it would make sense for them to do the activities together.  A 3 and 5 year old?  Not a problem.  A 3 and 12 year old?  Nope.  **  At this age you are never inviting just the child.  You are inviting the child, their parent, and probably a sibling.  It kind of sucks because your guest list grows quickly.  However, I totally understand it.  I would NEVER pay for a babysitter to watch one kid while I take the other kid to a birthday party.  Probably one of the many reasons why I decided to have just one kid.  

In the OP's situation I would invite just the child, but be prepared if the parents ask if other siblings can come.  Yes, it's kind of rude but it's less rude than the host expecting the family to find something else for the other kid to do while they come eat cake at the Precious Pumpkin's festivities.  Seriously, it's an hour and a half party.  Order some extra snacks and chairs and make it easier on everyone.

Now if they are older and it's a "drop off" type birthday party - hell no.

I'm definitely not looking forward to B-day logistics when I have kids.  I agree that age is a huge factor too.  I think it would ridiculous to complain about sibling invites at a drop off party.

southernbelle0915

I would only invite the child's friends. 

One of my FB friends posted a similar question a while ago: Does she invite just friends or every kid in the class? I was shocked how many people (not the majority, but still a sizable number) said you have to invite every kid in the class. IMHO that's total overkill. 

theartistformerlyknownas

Required? No. 

In practice, it depends how old the kids are. If it's a party for 3 year olds where the parents would also have to stay, I'd extend the invite to younger siblings as well so a parent doesn't have to leave baby at home while toddler goes to the play place or whatever. Older 12 year old? Wouldn't invite.

If the kids are like 10, and can be left at a party without the parents staying, no. Kid is a standalone unit then. It's nice to include similarly-aged kids, but still not required.

Jen4948

No. I would not invite siblings of the guests unless they are also friends with the birthday kid. There are some instances where I might be willing to invite a whole family, bit only when I know and close to the whole family.

redoryx

My sister and I are 5 years apart, we frequently went to birthday parties without the other. Sometimes if it was a situation where our *families* were friends and we all grew up together we'd both go, but if it was a situation where it was a classmate of mine or something, it would be silly to expect her to be invited.

levioosa

southernbelle0915 said:

I would only invite the child's friends. 

One of my FB friends posted a similar question a while ago: Does she invite just friends or every kid in the class? I was shocked how many people (not the majority, but still a sizable number) said you have to invite every kid in the class. IMHO that's total overkill. 

I mean, I think that kind of depends.  Are you inviting 5/20 kids in a class?  I think that's fine.  Are you inviting 17/20 kids in a class?  It might be a little mean/awkward not to include the last three.  I think it's similar to the inviting coworkers rule. 

MGP

levioosa said:

southernbelle0915 said:

I would only invite the child's friends. 

One of my FB friends posted a similar question a while ago: Does she invite just friends or every kid in the class? I was shocked how many people (not the majority, but still a sizable number) said you have to invite every kid in the class. IMHO that's total overkill. 

I mean, I think that kind of depends.  Are you inviting 5/20 kids in a class?  I think that's fine.  Are you inviting 17/20 kids in a class?  It might be a little mean/awkward not to include the last three.  I think it's similar to the inviting coworkers rule. 

Agree with all of this, the problem is the guest list explodes quickly.  The last birthday party we went to included many of the birthday boy's classmates and this was the turnout just from that invitation set off the top of my head:

Daughter + myself

Boy classmate + dad

Girl classmate + mom + older sister + baby brother

Boy classmate + mom + dad

Girl classmate + older sister + older sister + mom + dad

Boy classmate + mom + older brother + baby brother

Plus about 40 other people, probably family and neighbors.

See?  5 invites doesn't mean 5 kids.  It means 20 people and then just like a wedding you are forced to make cuts in your guest list in other areas or go over budget.  This is why I was a terrible person and didn't invite any of my daughter's classmates to her birthday party because at $20/head it put things out of control for a child's birthday party.  Sorry not sorry.

SP29

I don't think siblings are required to be invited, unless the host requires the parent to stay.

I also don't think one is required to invite their child's entire class- that whole "thing" is just silly to me, your kid is not friends with EVERY kid in the class, even if they are polite and social.

My siblings and I always had separate parties, and we were always dropped off (yeah I wouldn't pay for a sitter to take my other child to a party). Mind you, when we were young, our parties were all family parties, and the ones with friends didn't start until we were in school- an age where kids can be dropped off without parents. 

LtPowers

levioosa said:

So, my coworker knows I'm into etiquette, and she asked me a question, but I'm not totally sure on the answer.

Scenario:  It's a child's birthday party.  Is the host (aka probably the child's parents) required to invite ALL children from a family?  Or is it etiquette improved only to invite the child's friend even if there are more siblings in the family?  My gut instinct was to say that a birthday party differs from the splitting up families rule we see with weddings, but I wasn't sure.  Am I right in thinking it's okay to only invite the friend? 

First, it's important to note that the child is the nominal host. Of course his parents are handling most of the duties, but it is only because he is still being taught how to be a proper host. It is still he (assuming he's old enough) who welcomes his guests upon arrival and thanks them for coming when they leave.

Siblings are not considered social units when the host is a peer of one of the siblings and not the other. That rule is relative to who is hosting.