Time to come clean...

rcher912

Between the snowflake thread, being new-ish on here, and some things happening over in Etiquette, I've been feeling the need to confess.

I don't want to be a bridezilla. I never wanted to be a bridezilla. I love my family and friends and I want to host them nicely and politely.

TL;DR: But apparently I've made a TON of mistakes, and may have been a MaidZilla (is that a thing? Can I trademark that?)

So it's time to come clean, ladies, air out my dirty laundry, and beg forgiveness:

- I convinced my sister to do a Honeyfund, I thought it was cute and they were planning this huge Europe trip, and they love to travel, and it was the New Thing

- I (co-) billed an OOT BM for a shower she couldn't attend (as she was a 3-hour flight away and had already come up for a dress appt)

- I was overbilled for that same shower, which I didn't enjoy because I hate parties, because of an out of control co-MOH who just went totally overboard and sprung it on me at the party.

- I then acquiesced to a bach party I was also not super-comfortable with (I just don't like parties! Especially with people I don't know!) and was rewarded by being demanded more money of, and in turn, demanding more money out of others when the bill came back higher than expected (what was supposed to be a $15/head cost turned into more like $50 when everyone over-ordered on drinks and food)

- I rarely communicated with other BMs in either wedding I've been in, certainly not on what their budget might be for things (nor was I ever consulted on such things - who knew you were supposed to take people's finances into consideration?!)

- On my sister's wedding day, the photog asked me to make her laugh. I then told her a story (that in my defense, I thought was hilarious) about one of the kids in my after-school program who'd been caught plagarizing. She was not amused.

I feel like a terrible friend!!!!! And I just needed to confess. Any shares on your own experiences with etiquette blunders you didn't know you were making would be appreciated!

wrigleyville

Up until I joined TK, I just figured "having a date for a wedding" was normal and expected. So, even though several invitations were addressed to just me, I'd RSVP with me + a date. (Not an SO... a date.)

Nobody ever said a word to me about it, so I never knew that it wasn't normal to bring a date and that dates have to be specifically invited.

I want to write to all of my friends and relatives and apologize. :P

luckya23

I don't think my FI RSVP'd to his cousin's wedding last year, and I feel bad about not insisting he do it (although at the time we had been together for 5 months)... I wonder if they will come to ours.

I was supposedly co-MOH for my sister's wedding, but I made it pretty clear through the whole thing that I didn't want to be in it at all.  It was mostly at my mother's insistence.

I don't remember getting my sister anything for her shower.  My mom gave me money to put in her card for the wedding because I didn't want to spend as much as mom wanted me to give.

I never asked my sister (or my BFF) specifically to be in my wedding, and I'm super glad now that I haven't spoken to sister in 4.5 months. 

I'm sure I did plenty of stuff wrong in my cousin's wedding 10 years ago, but who remembers!

 

hellosweetie1015

You guys, before I came here, I didn't realize people usually give gifts at the wedding. The only wedding I've been to as an adult, I went empty handed, and didn't realize I was "supposed" to have a gift. I thought gifts were for the shower, and I gave a gift then, but I didn't even think about getting even a card.

[Deleted User]

themuffinman16

I was the worst bride ever... initially. I was upset someone in my wedding party was pregnant. And I had no idea what that would mean for my wedding day.  Then, I stopped acting like an asshole and realized no one else's life needs to revolve around me. I am not speshul. I am a woman who wanted to marry a guy. I should have paid more attention to that instead of losing my shit.  Thankfully, I came here and was set straight before I lost all of my friends by my rude behavior.

  Now, I am TTC, and I see more than ever that I wouldn't put a baby on hold for someone else's schedule. And even though I came around, I still feel awful for thinking that way, even if it was for a couple of weeks.  For a couple of weeks, I was an insensitive bitch.

   My other rude moment was that my thank you cards were late. I was waiting for my professional photos. Photographer went to a convention, then H and I went on our honeymoon.  Photographer went to another convention when we returned.  In hindsight, I should have not used a photo thank you card, so my guests were thanked much closer to the wedding, and just used any  TY cards from target. If I wanted to send pictures, I could have done an announcement, instead, with my guests being thanked, promptly.

levioosa

I used to think that BMs had "duties,"  and that of course parents contributing was "traditional."  Oh, and that I would have the right to dictate hair/makeup/shoes.  Now I say NOPE to all of that nonsense.  

AddieCake

I completely failed at having kids meals (we only had 3 elementary aged kids, but I still felt bad about it after the fact), and we sat some of our guests outside for the reception. I made sure it was all former students, so they were "the kids" and all knew and liked each other, but one of them joked me about it, so I felt bad because that means they WERE at least a little hurt or put off by it. I should have picked the bigger room at our venue, but it was way huge for our numbers, and it seemed weird to use that room.

climbingsingle

My first wedding was a disaster. I kicked a girl out of my wedding party. And I had a huge gap. 

I used to think BMs had duties too. I never expected or demanded anyone to do anything, but I always assumed it was my job whenever I was in a wedding. 

theycallmelinz

wrigleyville said:

Up until I joined TK, I just figured "having a date for a wedding" was normal and expected. So, even though several invitations were addressed to just me, I'd RSVP with me + a date. (Not an SO... a date.)

Nobody ever said a word to me about it, so I never knew that it wasn't normal to bring a date and that dates have to be specifically invited.

I want to write to all of my friends and relatives and apologize. :P

This was me too. I never took a date to a wedding, but I accompanied a friend to a wedding I wasn't invited to. I even made a comment to another friend about "Is it cool to crash a wedding if you bring a gift?!" I meant it to be funny, and when my other friend responded with, "I'd be pissed if someone crashed my wedding! I'd probably make them leave" I just thought she was being a bitch. Oh how wrong I was...

I also thought the bridal party had duties. Now I'm constantly telling my BMs to take a break, I don't need them running errands for me or doing anything special. Just show up in a dress, at least sober enough to get down the aisle.

The worst: I had a wedding party with 'even' sides and asked a woman to be a BM that I didn't want in the wedding, I only asked her because I felt like I needed to. I'm still ashamed for this, and a few weeks later she asked if she could step down due/no longer be a bridesmaid due to financial reasons. Her husband was supposed to be a GM too, so they both stepped down and I still feel really shitty about it. Annnd due to some changes FI and I have made to our lives, we don't even really talk to those people anymore, which just reiterates that we shouldn't have asked them to be in the WP to begin with. I really wish I had lurked here more before diving off and picking/asking the wedding party 11 stupid months before the wedding.

kvruns

theycallmelinz said:

 

I also thought the bridal party had duties. Now I'm constantly telling my BMs to take a break, I don't need them running errands for me or doing anything special. Just show up in a dress, at least sober enough to get down the aisle.

That's the struggle I'm having.  I only have 2 BMs but I think they assume they have some duties or that because I am the bride I need to dictate more to them.  Like when we were dress shopping and I wanted black and short, mismatched was fine.  As it turned out they both liked the same dress, but it was awful in black but they both liked blue.  Sure let's do blue!  I had to work to convince them I truly didn't care that it wasn't black, I wanted them to be happy with it!  I don't need to approve your jewelry or hair style or shoes, I trust you guys, you have better fashion sense than me anyway. Just show up and look nice and we're cool

jenna8984

climbingwife said:

My first wedding was a disaster. I kicked a girl out of my wedding party. And I had a huge gap. 

I used to think BMs had duties too. I never expected or demanded anyone to do anything, but I always assumed it was my job whenever I was in a wedding. 

Me too. My first couple posts on here were actually arguing with Maggie about bridal party duties. Not from the bride's perspective but from being a BM and how I'd feel like a bitch if everyone else was chipping in for a shower and I said "No, I don't HAVE to do that". I mean, I won't lie I still kind of feel like that.

My friend had the kitchen special order her sushi for her wedding meal and of course it wasn't offered to anyone else. At the time, I thought it was brilliant like "it's HER day, good for her, I'm gunna do that!" and now I see how tacky that was. (I didn't do it)

thisismynickname2

I, too, didn't give a gift to my friend for her wedding, when I was a bridesmaid. Hey, I spent money funding her shower and bachelorette, and brought a gift to the shower. After doing some brideslave labor and buying the dress on top of it, I figured I was in the clear. I felt bad when I saw the other bridesmaids handing her cards on her wedding day.  I tried to make up for it several months later with a nice housewarming gift. 

I wore white to another friend's wedding. I was right out of college and broke and the white dress was the only summery pretty thing I had. 

I have attended bachelorette parties when I'm not invited to the wedding. One friend of mine doesn't like going with people she barely knows so she tells me to meet her out. I figure as long as I'm not taking advantage of anyone's hospitality, I'm in the clear, because they go out to public places after all! 

OliveOilsMom

The first wedding I attended as an adult was my brother's wedding.  I didn't give them a gift.  I felt bad about it later when I realized, so I got them a huge first anniversary gift to help make up for it.

anjemon

wrigleyville said:

Up until I joined TK, I just figured "having a date for a wedding" was normal and expected. So, even though several invitations were addressed to just me, I'd RSVP with me + a date. (Not an SO... a date.)

Nobody ever said a word to me about it, so I never knew that it wasn't normal to bring a date and that dates have to be specifically invited.

I want to write to all of my friends and relatives and apologize. :P

Before I started planning I really didn't know how to tell whether you were granted a plus one or not. I always just RSVP'd for me and FI (well, BF at the time). I feel really bad now that I never really checked. I really hope I didn't burden someone with my decision to bring a +1. Especially since most of the weddings were family.

NowIamMrsKlein

Have to admit I'm currently working on rectifying having a Gap.

I'm 28, average about 3 weddings a year, and have NEVER been to a wedding that did not have a several hour gap while the bridal party went to another location for pictures. So I admit it never even crossed my mind to not have one.

climbingsingle

Also, I attended a dry wedding when I was 22. My friend and I sneaked out of the wedding and ordered drinks at another bar in the venue. 

Bubblegum5586

theycallmelinz said:

wrigleyville said:

Up until I joined TK, I just figured "having a date for a wedding" was normal and expected. So, even though several invitations were addressed to just me, I'd RSVP with me + a date. (Not an SO... a date.)

Nobody ever said a word to me about it, so I never knew that it wasn't normal to bring a date and that dates have to be specifically invited.

I want to write to all of my friends and relatives and apologize. :P

This was me too. I never took a date to a wedding, but I accompanied a friend to a wedding I wasn't invited to. I even made a comment to another friend about "Is it cool to crash a wedding if you bring a gift?!" I meant it to be funny, and when my other friend responded with, "I'd be pissed if someone crashed my wedding! I'd probably make them leave" I just thought she was being a bitch. Oh how wrong I was...

I also thought the bridal party had duties. Now I'm constantly telling my BMs to take a break, I don't need them running errands for me or doing anything special. Just show up in a dress, at least sober enough to get down the aisle.

The worst: I had a wedding party with 'even' sides and asked a woman to be a BM that I didn't want in the wedding, I only asked her because I felt like I needed to. I'm still ashamed for this, and a few weeks later she asked if she could step down due/no longer be a bridesmaid due to financial reasons. Her husband was supposed to be a GM too, so they both stepped down and I still feel really shitty about it. Annnd due to some changes FI and I have made to our lives, we don't even really talk to those people anymore, which just reiterates that we shouldn't have asked them to be in the WP to begin with. I really wish I had lurked here more before diving off and picking/asking the wedding party 11 stupid months before the wedding.

I also had even numbers because I thought you had to. By the time I came to TK we had already asked everyone and it was too late. I knew my 6 immediately and I pressured poor H to pick 1-2 more then he had initially picked. We are still close to everyone we asked so it was in no way a disaster but I feel really silly for thinking that way in the first place.

littlepep

I'm fairly new here too, but I've been lurking for a while so I haven't made too many errors. 

I do have a story about an almost mistake. We had agreed on a guest list, but FI is such a nice person and feels guilty too much about not inviting people. Well I asked him to review the list one more time before I sent out STDs. He added like 10 people. I LOST it. I was like you can't add these extra people without talking to me first because we are already too close to our max number for the venue. He kept trying to argue that we can assume a certain percentage of people will decline so we are fine. I always assumed that too, but, luckily, I had been on here enough to know that you should not do that. I told him other than the handful of relatives that are physically incapable of traveling, we have to assume everyone will come. It was quite the fight. I can't say who really won, but he agreed to not send those people a STD so I'm calling it a win for me

Couggal12

Before joining TK I used to think bridesmaids had duties too. The only weddings I had ever been in included duties for myself and the other people in the WP. So I ended up spending a ton of money on my friend's wedding shower that I couldn't afford.

I was never consulted on a budget either so I just assumed the bride got to have a say on how much the dress was. 

photokitty

When I was in my early twenties I assumed the BMs had buy matching shoes and so being proactive and not wanting to spend a bunch of money, when we were out at JCPennys together I made the other 3 ladies buy the most uncomfortable, god awful, ugly ass gold and clear shoes bc they were only $15. I honestly don think any of them knew we didn't HAVE to have matching shoes either - the bride was pretty laid back and I don't think she had even said anything specific about shoes at that point.

I think I might still have those shoes - gonna put them in one of my 40 bags if I do!!!!

thisismynickname2

In terms of duties and stuff, I OFFER to help because, sob, I'm SUCH a good friend. Look, weddings are nuts, it's the least I can do, especially when I live close to the bride and have access to transportation and stuff.  I just went dress shopping a couple of weeks ago with the bride and bridal party for a September wedding, and at the end of the day, I explicitly said, "IS there anything you would like us to help with? Programs, favors, things of that nature?" The bride wasn't sure since there's 8 more months to go, so I said, "My offer is on the table if you need help." And another BM chimed in, "Yeah, I'll bring the wine if we have a program assembling party." LOL. This particular woman is just not one to ever ask people for help, ever, so especially in her case I made my offer clear. 

badbnagdway

I told a friend who was planning her wedding and was 15 months out from it that she should just go ahead and get married before the end of the year before her wedding because it was going to save her and her FI a lot of income tax dollars. I was like, 'just don't tell anyone'! This was years ago now, but yes, I advocated PPDing it. Woops. I think if I would have really thought through what I was advocating I would have realized what a bad plan it was. She told me she didn't want to do that. I'm glad she had more sense than me. 

pinkcow13

I've definitely had a few blunders in my day.These are things I never did, but thought of before joining the forums (Thanks Hollywood): Bridesmaids have duties, you are entitled to any bachelorette party you desire, tiered ceremony's are totally cool to fit your vision, B and C lists are totally acceptable, chairs are not necessary so that I can have my outdoor city skyline ceremony, and Honeyfunds are so awesome and modern! Thankfully, common sense came knocking once I got engaged, and these forums set me straight on the rest.

Blunders that I have shamefully engaged in:

I purposely missed a (work) friends ceremony a few years ago. I asked a coworker what time he was getting to the wedding and he basically told me that no one goes to the ceremony, it is only for close family, and then the couple takes pictures, so you're only supposed to go to the reception. He actually made me feel bad about wanting to go to the ceremony, he was all "Haven't you ever been to a wedding before? You're not supposed to go to the ceremony." So yea I took his word for it, and just showed up to the reception. Thanks Dude. I still feel bad about that one.

I'm not sure if this one is as bad. In our circle, giving cash is the norm. I went to my cousins wedding in Florida years ago, and they put their registry on the invitation. This was even before coworker fiasco, so I knew even less about weddings. I showed up to the wedding empty handed, but I did send them a gift to their home from the registry. Oh, and I texted my cousin that I was attending the wedding lol. I did send the RSVP after he told me the importance of sending one. 

jenna8984

pinkcow13 said:

Blunders that I have shamefully engaged in:

I purposely missed a (work) friends ceremony a few years ago. I asked a coworker what time he was getting to the wedding and he basically told me that no one goes to the ceremony, it is only for close family, and then the couple takes pictures, so you're only supposed to go to the reception. He actually made me feel bad about wanting to go to the ceremony, he was all "Haven't you ever been to a wedding before? You're not supposed to go to the ceremony." So yea I took his word for it, and just showed up to the reception. Thanks Dude. I still feel bad about that one.

 

 

omg that is so fucked up! I've never heard anyone ever say that! I missed one once by complete accident and I felt guilty for weeks.

theycallmelinz

littlepep said:

I'm fairly new here too, but I've been lurking for a while so I haven't made too many errors. 

I do have a story about an almost mistake. We had agreed on a guest list, but FI is such a nice person and feels guilty too much about not inviting people. Well I asked him to review the list one more time before I sent out STDs. He added like 10 people. I LOST it. I was like you can't add these extra people without talking to me first because we are already too close to our max number for the venue. He kept trying to argue that we can assume a certain percentage of people will decline so we are fine. I always assumed that too, but, luckily, I had been on here enough to know that you should not do that. I told him other than the handful of relatives that are physically incapable of traveling, we have to assume everyone will come. It was quite the fight. I can't say who really won, but he agreed to not send those people a STD so I'm calling it a win for me

Oh this was a HUGE battle at our house. He just could not get it through his head that you have to plan to accommodate everyone. We finally compromised by only budgeting for X amount of people (75% of what we invited) but when and if I'm right about 100% showing up, we will use the credit card, which he hates using, to cover the difference and he won't say shit to me about it. 

KatieinBkln

I was a MOH-zilla a little bit for my sister's wedding. I assumed the shoes had to match, the manicures had to match, the bachelorette party had to involve paying for a separate manicure (Listen, I was grasping at straws--her other bridesmaids were the groom's high school sisters, so I was trying to think of a way to include them in the day since they couldn't hit the town with us.) And I was SUPER annoyed when their mother texted me to complain about costs.

I maintain that no one's mommy should be fighting their battles for them (the youngest was 16 so that is old enough to say "I'm sorry, that's not in my budget."). BUT. I really should have been MUCH more proactive about seeking out budgets preemptively. I was that bitch who was all, "Well, if they wanted to be bridesmaids they should have assumed there would be costs." Magical, un-discussed costs...ugh. Bad Katie!

Heffalump

I want to whisper this one:

When I got married, I had been a BM before, and I also thought BM's had duties.  There were two good friends who I wanted as MOH, but a) I thought I had to choose (because they couldn't all be BMs, there had to be a MOH), and b) I chose based on the fact that one had two small kids and a freelance business, whereas the other didn't, so I figured the latter would have more free time to "help" with the wedding.

At least I had the good sense not to say any of that out loud at the time, but I still blush just remembering it.  ::forehead smack::

hteverywhere15

So my parents really wanted to give us an engagement party shortly after we were engaged. We insisted on paying for our own wedding so I think they really wanted to do this to show off to their family and friends (I know, yuck). Anyway, we didn't have a set guest list for the wedding yet but I (wrongly) assumed they would only invite close family who I would naturally be inviting to the wedding anyway. Well, I thought wrong. 

Apparently they have never heard of the etiquette rule that anyone invited to a pre-wedding event must be invited to the wedding. Or they just don't care about that rule. They invited around 100 family members, some of whom I had never met or not seen since I was in diapers. There were family friends I had never heard of. It felt like such a gift grab to have all these people there I didn't even know. It was my own stupid fault for not checking with them on the guest list but it just never occurred to me. I was in just-engaged ignorant land. 

To make it all worse, we simply can't afford to invite all these people to the wedding. I still don't know what exactly I'm going to do about this, but I feel really awful and embarrassed about it. Ugh. 

photokitty

This isn't my faux pas really, but I still feel guilty that I blew off the "expected" work day assembling the flowers for my friend's wedding. I pretended to be at work and went late. So I did lie, but I didn't want to do free labor all day! I did about 2 hours of flower assembling all told.

I can't believe how many brides think it's cool to ask your WP to assemble the flowers - there is an actual business that specializes in that option here. You know who assembled our centerpieces bc we were cheap and DIYed them?? My Husband! All by himself. They looked awesome. No friendships or family member relationships were harmed in the process!

levioosa

I still feel a little bad that I never got a gift for the wedding I was in last year.  I did spend a good amount on the shower gift though, and I was fully intending on giving a gift up until the point (the night before the wedding rehearsal) the bride guilted me into staying in and paying for the "Girl's Cabin" even after I told her it was not in my budget and I couldn't afford it because I had no prior knowledge of it.