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Etiquette

Asking flower girl

mj8215mj8215 member
100 Comments 100 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
edited February 2015 in Etiquette
Hi Ladies, 

Always interested in reading this board, and would appreciate your opinions on the following. 

I have 5 bridesmaids (2 BFFs, my cousin and my two FSILs both of whom I am very close with). I have another very dear friend, who is also my mentor at work, so our relationship has started out on a professional level, but over the six years I have known her we have become very close, and have been there for each other through a lot of both good and bad times. The reason I did not ask her to be a bridesmaid was primarily because I felt it would be weird since she is older than me (not sure if that makes sense, but to me BM is someone my age or younger - she is in her mid 40s (I'm 30), has 3 kids, and then her position vs mine at work, I somehow thought she would feel odd being put in the same "category" as the BMs... maybe I am wrong about it, idk. The other reason was that as I got engaged she was going through a very difficult time in her personal life (separation and ultimately divorce) and it just did not feel right to bring up wedding planning stuff at the time...don't get me wrong, she was very excited for our engagement and all, but I just didn't want to rub idle wedding planning stuff in her face during that difficult time for her. But anyways, I know it would be rude to ask her to be a BM now that I have asked the others, so that ship has sailed. 

I have been thinking about how to honor her and our close relationship without being tacky/ offensive/ etc... I have lurked quite a bit on these boards so I realize that "guest is also an honor"... I just feel like I would like to do something special without making her uncomfortable for the above reasons. Ugh, now that I am writing this out it sounds sort of like a stupid reason. Sorry! 

So what I have come up with is asking her daughter (10) to be a flower girl. My understanding is that this way she would also be part of the wedding party, get a corsage, etc...right? I am trying to understand the role of FG better since its not common to have one in my circle. I love her daughter, and my fiancé and I have both met her on many occasions (and I have run the FG idea by him and he is on board). My main hesitation is whether this is even an honor for my friend or whether it would just be an unnecessary burden on her. I should mention that our wedding is a DW (August 2015) and my friend is invited to come by herself or bring any of her 3 kids and / or also an adult guest (date or friend) if she wants to (I basically told her that her presence is so important to us that whatever is easiest for her is what we are happy to accommodate. Generally kids are very welcome at our wedding, in fact I expect that there will be a dozen or so kids ages 0-15). She said she would most likely bring her daughter (the one I am thinking of asking to be FG) but not the other two kids, for logistics reasons...and she wasn't sure about the adult guest but appreciated the option. 

Sorry if I am wording things in weird ways, I guess the bottom line is: is me asking her daughter to be a FG a good way of honoring / including my friend? 
- The stars, like dust, encircle me in living mists of light. And all of space I seem to see in one vast burst of sight. 

Re: Asking flower girl

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I don't know if she would feel honored or not. If you want to ask her daughter to be a flower girl because you love the child, then do so. Don't do it as a way to try to honor her mother.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • I agree with Addie. Don't ask the girl to honor the mother. That doesn't make sense. If you want to honor the mother but don't want her as a BM, ask her to do a reading.

    If you do ask the little one, ask her parents first and clear any logistics. What you wouldn't want to happen would be to just ask w/o talking to them - the girl is super excited and her parents can't swing it for whatever reason.
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  • No, the daughter being a FG wouldn't make the mom part of the WP, and wouldn't be an honor to her. I honestly feel like 10 is too old to be a FG; I would have been mortified to do it at that age. In my experience they're normally 4-6 years old.

    Could you ask your friend to do a reading?

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    littlepep
  • No, the daughter being a FG wouldn't make the mom part of the WP, and wouldn't be an honor to her. I honestly feel like 10 is too old to be a FG; I would have been mortified to do it at that age. In my experience they're normally 4-6 years old. Could you ask your friend to do a reading?
    I have two 10 year old flower girls. When asked, they jumped up and down excited. So mortification is not something that all girls feel at that age. One girl said her two best friends were also being flower girls this summer so they planned to "practice" together. It was cute.

    OP--The only thing you need to keep in mind with flower girls that are 8-10 years is is you need to find a dress that is age-appropriate for them. Plenty of brands make them (Alfred Angelo, Macys, etc), but they aren't going to walk down the aisle in the same dress a 4 year old would. 

    And the flower girl would be a member of your wedding party and get flowers, but not the mom. It means that you invite the mom to things like the rehearsal dinner as long as the FG is part of the rehearsal, and you could invite her to get ready with the bridesmaids, as long as the flower girl was part of that too. But I'm not sure that'd be fun for the mom--in fact it might be miserable. 

    And you MUST check with the mom before asking the girl. Flower girl dresses can be over $200 depending on what you pick, so it can be an investment. She'll also know if her daughter would want to do something like this, or have issues with stage fright. 
  • LtPowersLtPowers Upstate New York member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    Is it too late to ask your friend to be a bridesmaid? It seems to me if you explained that you've thought about it and it just wouldn't feel right not having her standing up for you, she'd be flattered and honored.

    And age shouldn't have anything to do with it.


  • marie2785 said:
    No, the daughter being a FG wouldn't make the mom part of the WP, and wouldn't be an honor to her. I honestly feel like 10 is too old to be a FG; I would have been mortified to do it at that age. In my experience they're normally 4-6 years old. Could you ask your friend to do a reading?
    I have two 10 year old flower girls. When asked, they jumped up and down excited. So mortification is not something that all girls feel at that age. One girl said her two best friends were also being flower girls this summer so they planned to "practice" together. It was cute.

    OP--The only thing you need to keep in mind with flower girls that are 8-10 years is is you need to find a dress that is age-appropriate for them. Plenty of brands make them (Alfred Angelo, Macys, etc), but they aren't going to walk down the aisle in the same dress a 4 year old would. 

    And the flower girl would be a member of your wedding party and get flowers, but not the mom. It means that you invite the mom to things like the rehearsal dinner as long as the FG is part of the rehearsal, and you could invite her to get ready with the bridesmaids, as long as the flower girl was part of that too. But I'm not sure that'd be fun for the mom--in fact it might be miserable. 

    And you MUST check with the mom before asking the girl. Flower girl dresses can be over $200 depending on what you pick, so it can be an investment. She'll also know if her daughter would want to do something like this, or have issues with stage fright. 
    A couple of comments:

    1) I would have been excited to be a FG at 10. Not past that, but I probably would have been.

    2) Regarding the bolded, proper etiquette would be to ask the parents, "is it ok to ask Sally to be a FG?" If they say "yes" then you say "what is your budget for a dress?" Same as someone would with a bridesmaid. It's not ok to just go out and choose some dress w/o asking for the budget BEFORE shopping. 

    So the question is "what is your budget for a dress?" NOT "I found this $200 dress. Is that ok?"
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  • Does your friend know that you picked your bridal party already? If no, I think it would still be ok to ask her to be a BM. Otherwise, see if she would do a reading at your ceremony.
  • marie2785 said:
    No, the daughter being a FG wouldn't make the mom part of the WP, and wouldn't be an honor to her. I honestly feel like 10 is too old to be a FG; I would have been mortified to do it at that age. In my experience they're normally 4-6 years old. Could you ask your friend to do a reading?
    I have two 10 year old flower girls. When asked, they jumped up and down excited. So mortification is not something that all girls feel at that age. One girl said her two best friends were also being flower girls this summer so they planned to "practice" together. It was cute.

    OP--The only thing you need to keep in mind with flower girls that are 8-10 years is is you need to find a dress that is age-appropriate for them. Plenty of brands make them (Alfred Angelo, Macys, etc), but they aren't going to walk down the aisle in the same dress a 4 year old would. 

    And the flower girl would be a member of your wedding party and get flowers, but not the mom. It means that you invite the mom to things like the rehearsal dinner as long as the FG is part of the rehearsal, and you could invite her to get ready with the bridesmaids, as long as the flower girl was part of that too. But I'm not sure that'd be fun for the mom--in fact it might be miserable. 

    And you MUST check with the mom before asking the girl. Flower girl dresses can be over $200 depending on what you pick, so it can be an investment. She'll also know if her daughter would want to do something like this, or have issues with stage fright. 
    Yikes, I thought $100 range at David's Bridal was crazy, can't imagine $200 for a FG dress! 
  • kvruns said:
    Yikes, I thought $100 range at David's Bridal was crazy, can't imagine $200 for a FG dress! 

    Yes $200 seems crazy to me too! I highly recommend looking at Easter dresses or other formal dresses not marketed as "flower girl" for a more reasonable price. I found an Easter dress for $25 for my flower girl that ended up working great. Otherwise previous posters have it covered. Honor the mother by asking her to be a BM or Reader, or ask the daughter because you are close to and want to honor the daughter. Having the mother as a guest is also a perfectly acceptable option, Not everyone needs a special honor. Being a guest can be a honor too.

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  • You can also honor her without even giving her a role. You can actually purchase flowers/corsages to whoever you like and if you want, you can ask her to be included in additional formal photos, reserve special seating (like in the front) for her, invite her to the rehearsal dinner, etc.
    southernbelle0915
  • princessleia22princessleia22 Oceanfront Property in Arizona member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    Tami87 said:
    kvruns said:
    Yikes, I thought $100 range at David's Bridal was crazy, can't imagine $200 for a FG dress! 

    Yes $200 seems crazy to me too! I highly recommend looking at Easter dresses or other formal dresses not marketed as "flower girl" for a more reasonable price. I found an Easter dress for $25 for my flower girl that ended up working great. Otherwise previous posters have it covered. Honor the mother by asking her to be a BM or Reader, or ask the daughter because you are close to and want to honor the daughter. Having the mother as a guest is also a perfectly acceptable option, Not everyone needs a special honor. Being a guest can be a honor too.

    We found an adorable dress on clearance just after Easter for $15 for our flower girl.  Easter (or after Easter clearances) are the best time to find cheap dresses for flower girl.

    To OP, I agree with other posters.  Having her daughter as FG, doesn't honor the mother.  It honors the kid. And it creates additional complication for mother because she is then obligated to bring daughter on the trip. Definitely ask the mother before speaking with the kid.

    If you want to honor your friend, why not make her a bridemaid? Some of that depends on how far along you are in planning also.  If BM's already ordered dresses and such, that may be a bit odd.  But, if you haven't gotten too far into BM dress selection and such, I see no issue in asking her. Or, like others said, you could ask if she would like to do a reading or something like that. And she may not be interested in participating either.  I'm at the point now where, unless it were a very close relative/friend (sister or BFF) I would probably decline being a BM if asked.  I would much rather just attend as a guest.

    image 

  • I would skip asking her if her daughter could be a flower girl. If you add her daughter as a flower girl, it will possibly add stress to her trip. First she has to get a dress, then make sure that they are both present for the rehersal and dinner and that they are both ready early enough to be there for photos & anything else you have going on your wedding day. For you it means, having to pay for 2 more people at your rehersal dinner, a gift for the daughter, flower girl basket & petals, or whatever you plan to have her carry. If you just invite her as a guest, they can get ready at their own pace so that they can make the ceremony on time, and then relax and watch you and FI get married and enjoy the evening relaxing with no commitments.
  • Thanks for all your responses! I will give it some more thought but it sounds like asking her daughter to be an FG is not the best way to honor our special relationship. The 'reading' is a good idea but we are Jewish and I understand the reading is more of a Christian tradition? I may try and come up with something similar - but I do not want to put pressure on her to have a religious role in the ceremony since she is a practicing Catholic, so I am not sure if she would feel comfortable actively participating in a Jewish ceremony...besides I am not aware of a specific "role" in the Jewish ceremony - its really only the 7 Blessings which we will probably have family members / the Rabbi recite. If anyone has any suggestions I'd appreciate them. Otherwise, I will go back to "guest is an honor" / maybe do what a previous poster suggested and have her wear a corsage/ reserved seating/ be part of the "official" pictures/ rehearsal dinner/ etc...Thanks!
    - The stars, like dust, encircle me in living mists of light. And all of space I seem to see in one vast burst of sight. 
  • dcbride86dcbride86 Washington, DC member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    mj8215 said:
    Thanks for all your responses! I will give it some more thought but it sounds like asking her daughter to be an FG is not the best way to honor our special relationship. The 'reading' is a good idea but we are Jewish and I understand the reading is more of a Christian tradition? I may try and come up with something similar - but I do not want to put pressure on her to have a religious role in the ceremony since she is a practicing Catholic, so I am not sure if she would feel comfortable actively participating in a Jewish ceremony...besides I am not aware of a specific "role" in the Jewish ceremony - its really only the 7 Blessings which we will probably have family members / the Rabbi recite. If anyone has any suggestions I'd appreciate them. Otherwise, I will go back to "guest is an honor" / maybe do what a previous poster suggested and have her wear a corsage/ reserved seating/ be part of the "official" pictures/ rehearsal dinner/ etc...Thanks!

    I'm Jewish and we're having readings at the wedding.  My parents had readings at theirs as well, and there's was officiated by a rabbi.  It doesn't need to be religious at all.  My uncle read a poem at my parents.  My family friend is reading something else non-religious. 

    You could also give her a corsage.  Or you could just let her be a guest and make sure you grab her for photos during the reception.  Sometimes it's nice to just be a guest at a wedding, and not need to show up early to take photos

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