How Would You Handle This?

[Deleted User]

I have been putting off asking this question, because I was determined to find a better way to deal with the situation, but I am at a loss. Apologies in advance for this long-ass post.

Perhaps the most important detail of this scenario is this: I am an only child. (I feel like this is effecting EVERYTHING). Since I was a child, I have always been told my wedding my not going to be paid for by my family. That is A-OKAY, because I am a big girl and can handle my own wedding. I have grown up knowing this, and expected it to remain true.

After I got engaged, my parents took FI and I out to dinner and said they would be contributing financially to our wedding. I was floored, like 110%, but also very thankful. Since that time, I have received mixed signals from both parents concerning budget. Mom says "we will cover the food costs for our side of the family/family friends." Dad says "we will give you some money once we know where the wedding will be.*" Mom says "I will obviously be contributing to your wedding dress."

As one can imagine, this is confusing and wildly uncomfortable for me, because I don't know how to navigate the minefield that is determining their contribution OR what they want their money to go to. I also don't really want to ask, but I have said "thank you, but I need to know a concrete amount, or how or where you want your money to be spent," but the answer is still not the same between both parents. (* how does one determine a venue without a budget? seriously?)

Fast forward to last week: Having read these boards for a bit (and having posted myself), I decided to start planning the wedding I knew my FI and I could afford on our own, mostly because I can't pin down my parents' plans. I started going through my list of favorite venues and gathering costs for food from them. I brought this up to my mother offhandedly on Monday, and she was ruffled when I mentioned an hors d'oeuvres and station-type menu, but I told her to check it out. (She thinks this means skimpy, unsatisfying food.) On the same day, I mentioned that I had found some cute, and under $1k dresses on the David's Bridal website, and was interested in them. This too made her ruffled, and she asked me about a $1k+ dress we had seen online when I first was engaged. I said "Yeah, it's still there, but I don't know if it is really worth the price."

On Tuesday I worked from home (thanks, snow) and my mom was also home. She was acting weird all day. Not meeting my eye, not talking to me except in "mmhmm's" and "hmmph's" and the like, and I brushed it off until she hid in her room all afternoon. After dinner I asked if she was mad at me and she completely BLEW UP. <--- this means she was literally stewing all day. Ugh.

She started screaming about how I was planning everything without her, and that I made it VERY clear that this was my wedding and I was going to do it my way without consulting anyone, etc., etc. I couldn't, and still can not believe it. I do not plan to get married until the fall of 2016. I have barely begun planning ANYTHING, other than looking up some venues and asking for pricing. I spent about an hour at work looking at dresses online a few days ago. That's really and truly it, but she has decided I am excluding her completely. 

Worst of all, she said I was being "cheap" and that if that was how I wanted to be, I should "just go ahead and plan my cheap-ass, hillbilly wedding with FI." At this point I started crying and left the room. (Perhaps not the best way to handle it, but I don't know that I would have said anything constructive at the time.)

So now...what do I do? I was doing my best to work within my own budget because I don't want to depend on some unknown sum that I don't have. FI and I have our own apartment, but I am commuting from my parents' home to our apartment weekly due to a job transition (3 hour commute every week), which is NOT cheap. I have student loans. We are young. I don't want to blow all of our money on a one-day event. I thought I was going about it the right way, and now I am getting my (lack of) money thrown in my face by my own mother. Which, by the way, does not make me want to involve her in further future planning.

I know I am her "one and only" daughter and child, and I know she has this magical, fluffy vision of my wedding in her head, but in reality that just isn't feasible. Would I love a luxurious wedding with an unlimited budget? YES! But do I have that option? NO!

What would you do if you were in this situation? How would you proceed going forward? I know I need to either lock down an answer from my parents' or continue to do my own thing, but I think the latter would seriously damage my relationship with both of my parents. And at this moment, I don't want to involve them in future planning if it will just blow up like this.

"HELP!"

PrettyGirlLost

Me?  I'd have a direct, come to Jesus talk with Mom.  "Mom, I had grown up under the assumption that I would be paying for my own wedding, so I was floored and very pleasantly surprised when you and Dad soo generously offered to contribute. 

However, in order to start planning this wedding properly, I need you and Dad to spell out exactly WHAT you are willing to contribute to and exactly how much you are comfortable doing so.  You haven't done that yet, though I have tried to get that information from you, so I started planning the wedding I can afford on my own, without any financial support from you and Dad.

I was not doing anything to intentionally cut you both out, if you are still interested and willing to contribute.  But I also don't want you to feel obligated to do so, and so I didn't want to keep bugging you about the budget."

Then see what your mother says.  If your parents say they still want to contribute, then you have to pin them down on exact figures and for exactly what, and then you still can't plan or make deposits for anything until their check has cleared in your bank account.

Your mother seems to be a very passive aggressive person and one who tends to over react, just based on your post.  So personally I think you'd be better off declining any help, if they still offer it, and doing it all on your own to save yourself the drama.

lovegood90

Sorry I didn't read the whole thread but I don't think I have to - decline her money and plan your wedding as though you are paying for it yourself. Any contributions that come after you should just consider as a nice bonus.

It sounds like her money comes with tons of strings and stress. I'd get far away from that!

southernbelle0915

Your mom's handling of that situation was awful. Immature and awful. A "hillbilly" wedding? That would have gotten no less than a "fuck you, don't come" from me.

Anyway. Is she normally a reasonable, approachable person? If so, sit her down and talk. Let her know that you aren't willing to sign any contracts or look at anything that's outside the money you currently have in your bank account. So that's why you're only considering these things. She can sneer and boo at that all day long, but that's how it is now and that's how it's going to be throughout the entire planning process. You are TELLING her. Not ASKING for opinions.

So that being said, if she wants things to be nicer, you need a check to clear in your bank account before you're going to start looking at nicer stuff. She might throw another tantrum and accuse you of thinking she's "not good for it" or something. Don't let that get to you. Just repeat that you won't sign a contract in your name without the money in your bank account.

If she continues to act like a child, I would say "thanks but no thanks" to her money. Maybe when you say no to all of it, she'll see how serious you are about being financially responsible. Any (rational) mother should be proud to see their kids acting that way.

You should continue planning as you've been planning. Don't ever let anyone tell you that your wedding "isn't good enough" or that it's "hillbilly" or any other garbage. Be proud of what you can afford - you have full support for planning within your means here on TK. 

wrigleyville

You are the one handling this maturely. She is the one who is acting immature.

PrettyGirlLost summed it up best. That's exactly how I would handle it.

lilacck28

I agree with PP. Sit your mom down, and explain it to her. My parents are very very generously covering the majority of our wedding. They signed the big contract (i.e. venue) rather than giving us a check. So, that's another option if you fully trust your parents/ normally have a good relationship with them. 

MadHops21

Sounds like my mom. I had to reschedule an appointment with the priest at the church for our ceremony yesterday because FI almost passed out and was kept at the Chicago Auto Show longer than we hoped. 

So my mom immediately gets offended and she yelled at me, saying that I don't care about the ceremony because I "blew off" the priest. Never mind the fact that FI almost fainted from giving blood. 

My mom only goes to church on Sundays, then dislikes other races, other sexuality preferences, and isn't exactly a great Christian herself. She isn't a holy person or great follower of Christ, but she's acting like I'm going to Hell now. Yay. 

theartistformerlyknownas

Yeah your mom is the one in the wrong here. PGL's wording is spot on. They can't just give you wishy washy statements about "contributing" and then be surprised you couldn't really do much with that information.

Ask specific questions and get her to nail down specific answers. Do you want to give us a lump sum and let us make the decisions? Do you want to visit venues with us and pay them directly? Do you want to pay for a particular item/vendor (food, photographer, DJ, whatever), as long as you get to approve it? "I'm going to help" is NOT a specific answer and you should have absolutely continued planning the wedding you could afford with that as your only guidance.

artbyallie

abcdevonn said:

I have been putting off asking this question, because I was determined to find a better way to deal with the situation, but I am at a loss. Apologies in advance for this long-ass post.

Perhaps the most important detail of this scenario is this: I am an only child. (I feel like this is effecting EVERYTHING). Since I was a child, I have always been told my wedding my not going to be paid for by my family. That is A-OKAY, because I am a big girl and can handle my own wedding. I have grown up knowing this, and expected it to remain true.

After I got engaged, my parents took FI and I out to dinner and said they would be contributing financially to our wedding. I was floored, like 110%, but also very thankful. Since that time, I have received mixed signals from both parents concerning budget. Mom says "we will cover the food costs for our side of the family/family friends." Dad says "we will give you some money once we know where the wedding will be.*" Mom says "I will obviously be contributing to your wedding dress."

As one can imagine, this is confusing and wildly uncomfortable for me, because I don't know how to navigate the minefield that is determining their contribution OR what they want their money to go to. I also don't really want to ask, but I have said "thank you, but I need to know a concrete amount, or how or where you want your money to be spent," but the answer is still not the same between both parents. (* how does one determine a venue without a budget? seriously?)

Fast forward to last week: Having read these boards for a bit (and having posted myself), I decided to start planning the wedding I knew my FI and I could afford on our own, mostly because I can't pin down my parents' plans. I started going through my list of favorite venues and gathering costs for food from them. I brought this up to my mother offhandedly on Monday, and she was ruffled when I mentioned an hors d'oeuvres and station-type menu, but I told her to check it out. (She thinks this means skimpy, unsatisfying food.) On the same day, I mentioned that I had found some cute, and under $1k dresses on the David's Bridal website, and was interested in them. This too made her ruffled, and she asked me about a $1k+ dress we had seen online when I first was engaged. I said "Yeah, it's still there, but I don't know if it is really worth the price."

On Tuesday I worked from home (thanks, snow) and my mom was also home. She was acting weird all day. Not meeting my eye, not talking to me except in "mmhmm's" and "hmmph's" and the like, and I brushed it off until she hid in her room all afternoon. After dinner I asked if she was mad at me and she completely BLEW UP. <--- this means she was literally stewing all day. Ugh.

She started screaming about how I was planning everything without her, and that I made it VERY clear that this was my wedding and I was going to do it my way without consulting anyone, etc., etc. I couldn't, and still can not believe it. I do not plan to get married until the fall of 2016. I have barely begun planning ANYTHING, other than looking up some venues and asking for pricing. I spent about an hour at work looking at dresses online a few days ago. That's really and truly it, but she has decided I am excluding her completely. 

Worst of all, she said I was being "cheap" and that if that was how I wanted to be, I should "just go ahead and plan my cheap-ass, hillbilly wedding with FI." At this point I started crying and left the room. (Perhaps not the best way to handle it, but I don't know that I would have said anything constructive at the time.)

So now...what do I do? I was doing my best to work within my own budget because I don't want to depend on some unknown sum that I don't have. FI and I have our own apartment, but I am commuting from my parents' home to our apartment weekly due to a job transition (3 hour commute every week), which is NOT cheap. I have student loans. We are young. I don't want to blow all of our money on a one-day event. I thought I was going about it the right way, and now I am getting my (lack of) money thrown in my face by my own mother. Which, by the way, does not make me want to involve her in further future planning.

I know I am her "one and only" daughter and child, and I know she has this magical, fluffy vision of my wedding in her head, but in reality that just isn't feasible. Would I love a luxurious wedding with an unlimited budget? YES! But do I have that option? NO!

What would you do if you were in this situation? How would you proceed going forward? I know I need to either lock down an answer from my parents' or continue to do my own thing, but I think the latter would seriously damage my relationship with both of my parents. And at this moment, I don't want to involve them in future planning if it will just blow up like this.

"HELP!"

Do you live with your parents? Can you move out? Like, yesterday?

I'm not sure what to advise otherwise. I mean, I have no idea what I'd do if my mom started screaming at me after being passive-aggressive all day. It seems like she just has no concept of adult communication at all.

I guess you can calmly tell her that you're happy to listen to her ideas, but you and your fiancé are planning the wedding you can afford, and if all she's going to do is sling insults then she doesn't need to hear about any details. You were not wrong to tell her you needed an amount or what she wanted to pay for specifically and she didn't give you that. You're smart to realize you can't count on money that's not in your hand and she honestly sounds like the type to take it back or change her mind just to be petty and mean.

[Deleted User]

Speaking as someone who recently experienced issues with parents over money that was offered and then later came with conditions, I second the PPs advice. Plan the wedding that you and your FI can afford on your own without their help and decline any financial contributions unless you are willing to let those contributions become a tool for manipulation. 

Money offerred in a context like this often comes with strings. Not always, but often. I wish so badly that I had realized that before contracts were signed and deposits paid. 

In the end, I think you know your mom well enough to know if this behavior will cease once you have the budget sorted out and she is able to give some input, or if it will continue throughout the duration of your planning until your wedding day. I would hate for you to find yourself in an "if-you-give-a-mouse-a-cookie" scenario. 

littlepep

Your mom is being over-dramatic and rude, and I'm not sure I'd want her money after those kind of comments. That said, I think PrettyGirlLost gave good wording on how to respond to her. 

SP29

OP, you're the one who is being mature about this. I would've cried too. Your mom was being a jerk.

You've gone about this the right way. If it makes you feel any better, I bought a dress from DB for less than $1k, in fact it was the cheapest dress I tried on. We found a venue in our budget (which though not small, is much less than the quoted "average" north american wedding). It was no hillbilly wedding! 

I found 3 venues I was interested in, and my mom came with me to view them. When we decided which venue we wanted, my mom signed the contract and paid the deposit. Our fee was broken up into payments- she paid another one or two, DH and I paid the rest. My mom then randomly gave me money at times and said, "Put this towards X". There were a couple things my mom WANTED- but she outright paid for those things. These weren't things that I ordered/booked and just hoped she would foot the bill for- she paid for it first. 

I would have a face to face chat with your mother. Something along the lines of, "I'm sorry you feel left out of the wedding planning, but you and dad have been very wishy-washy (probably find a better word for that- I can't right now ) on what you want to or are able to contribute. FI and I do not expect anything from you, so FI and I need to be prepared to have the wedding we can afford. If you and dad do contribute, that will be a pleasant surprise. However, I do not appreciate you insulting our budget and our future wedding. I would be happy to have you attend appointments with me WHEN I HAVE BOOKED THEM (c'mon, you looked online!!), but you need to be supportive; we are only in the idea process and nothing has been set yet. If there is something in specific that you would like to have/see at the wedding and want to pay for it to make it happen then you need to be clear and upfront."

To the wedding in general- I agree with you-- it's nice to have a "nice" wedding, but it's ONE DAY. What some people spend on their wedding is a really nice down payment for a house! If your mom really wants to see you in a "special" wedding dress and she is offering to pull her credit card out the day of at the store to pay for it, that is something I'd let her have, but otherwise, your dress is your dress and don't feel bad about getting something "cheap". 

rcher912

southernbelle0915 said:

Your mom's handling of that situation was awful. Immature and awful. A "hillbilly" wedding? That would have gotten no less than a "fuck you, don't come" from me.

Anyway. Is she normally a reasonable, approachable person? If so, sit her down and talk. Let her know that you aren't willing to sign any contracts or look at anything that's outside the money you currently have in your bank account. So that's why you're only considering these things. She can sneer and boo at that all day long, but that's how it is now and that's how it's going to be throughout the entire planning process. You are TELLING her. Not ASKING for opinions.

So that being said, if she wants things to be nicer, you need a check to clear in your bank account before you're going to start looking at nicer stuff. She might throw another tantrum and accuse you of thinking she's "not good for it" or something. Don't let that get to you. Just repeat that you won't sign a contract in your name without the money in your bank account.

If she continues to act like a child, I would say "thanks but no thanks" to her money. Maybe when you say no to all of it, she'll see how serious you are about being financially responsible. Any (rational) mother should be proud to see their kids acting that way.

You should continue planning as you've been planning. Don't ever let anyone tell you that your wedding "isn't good enough" or that it's "hillbilly" or any other garbage. Be proud of what you can afford - you have full support for planning within your means here on TK. 

CAN I GET AN AMEN?!

Seriously, OP, you are doing the right thing. I would have been in tears, too, and being that overwhelmed is no way to try to have a serious conversation. Your mom was looking to hurt you, and she succeeded, unfortunately. 

We got you. We all know what budgets are here, and there are tons of tips and tricks for how to have a wonderful, phenomenal, well-hosted event here that you will love.

Eff that noise. Hillbilly wedding. Ugh.

theartistformerlyknownas

Wanna trade moms? Mine scoffed at how outrageously expensive my $1400 dress was (which I thought was pretty dang reasonable for a lace dress, and which I paid for myself and asked for nothing). But she is a little bit of a hillbilly.

blabla89

rcher912 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

Your mom's handling of that situation was awful. Immature and awful. A "hillbilly" wedding? That would have gotten no less than a "fuck you, don't come" from me.

Anyway. Is she normally a reasonable, approachable person? If so, sit her down and talk. Let her know that you aren't willing to sign any contracts or look at anything that's outside the money you currently have in your bank account. So that's why you're only considering these things. She can sneer and boo at that all day long, but that's how it is now and that's how it's going to be throughout the entire planning process. You are TELLING her. Not ASKING for opinions.

So that being said, if she wants things to be nicer, you need a check to clear in your bank account before you're going to start looking at nicer stuff. She might throw another tantrum and accuse you of thinking she's "not good for it" or something. Don't let that get to you. Just repeat that you won't sign a contract in your name without the money in your bank account.

If she continues to act like a child, I would say "thanks but no thanks" to her money. Maybe when you say no to all of it, she'll see how serious you are about being financially responsible. Any (rational) mother should be proud to see their kids acting that way.

You should continue planning as you've been planning. Don't ever let anyone tell you that your wedding "isn't good enough" or that it's "hillbilly" or any other garbage. Be proud of what you can afford - you have full support for planning within your means here on TK. 

CAN I GET AN AMEN?!

Seriously, OP, you are doing the right thing. I would have been in tears, too, and being that overwhelmed is no way to try to have a serious conversation. Your mom was looking to hurt you, and she succeeded, unfortunately. 

We got you. We all know what budgets are here, and there are tons of tips and tricks for how to have a wonderful, phenomenal, well-hosted event here that you will love.

Eff that noise. Hillbilly wedding. Ugh.

QFT.

Look, any money from your parents will obviously come with strings attached, and it may be in your best interest to decline. You can say, Mom and Dad, thank you so much for your generous offer to help with the wedding, but FI and I are already prepared to pay for everything ourselves.

And if your mom continues to say nasty things about the wedding you're planning you can say, Mom, I understand that your opinion of what my wedding should be like is different from mine, but it is not okay for you to say deliberately hurtful things about it, so the subject is closed. And don't talk with her about it anymore.

CJandRyan

Mothers! Trust me, I get it. FI and I were debating a local wedding vs eloping but were leaning toward eloping until my mom threw a huge childish fit about not seeing her only baby get married. She's not paying for anything therefore she gets no say! We did compromise though and we are having a small destination wedding that she will be able to attend. 

I had the same money situation come up but with my grandparents. My grandma at first just mentioned that she would help us financially but wasn't specific, then she said she would pay for half of the reception, then instead of the reception she offered to pay for my wedding band. I'm at the point now where I am planning the wedding FI and I can afford and anything they give us will just be extra. My mom offered to pay for my dress which I know she can't afford. She did end up buying it but my grandma paid her back. I really do appreciate her help but it was a little stressful at first not knowing how much she was willing to contribute and it constantly changing.

[Deleted User]

Thank you all so much for the amazing feedback. I guess I really know I need to sit down and talk with them, but am just dreading it turning into a fight.
________________________________________________________________________
 southernbelle0915 said: Your mom's handling of that situation was awful. Immature and awful. A "hillbilly" wedding? That would have gotten no less than a "fuck you, don't come" from me.
Anyway. Is she normally a reasonable, approachable person? ________________________________________________________________________ She is usually rational and reasonable, and even rolls her eyes at my spendy ways from time to time, so this came as a complete and total shock. It feels like ever since I got engaged she has done this weird 180 where everything is about my wedding. She asks about it constantly. I think she is just really excited. What is so funny(?) is that the two of us used to watch all those wedding shows, SYTTD, etc. and she would make fun of the moms who were obviously losing their shit. She always told me "don't ever let me get like that." and now...well....
________________________________________________________________________
artbyallie said: Do you live with your parents? Can you move out? Like, yesterday?
________________________________________________________________________ Right now I have a weird living situation. FI and I have an apartment about two hours from my parents' home and three hours from my job. My job is about 1.5 from my parents' home. I live with my parents for three days (Monday-Wednesday), then go to my apartment for four to work remotely (Thursday-Sunday). It's super confusing, but yes, I am trying so hard to get a job closer to my apartment so I can be there ALL THE TIME rather than splitting time every week.

________________________________________________________________________
lolo883 said:

Wanna trade moms? Mine scoffed at how outrageously expensive my $1400 dress was (which I thought was pretty dang reasonable for a lace dress, and which I paid for myself and asked for nothing). But she is a little bit of a hillbilly.

________________________________________________________________________

Haha! She usually is that mom. She always says "You have champagne taste on a beer budget." 

The whole hillbilly thing is still throwing me for a loop. I definitely agree it was used just to hurt me. She and my dad went to a family friends' wedding where ON THE INVITATION it said the attire was jeans. I rolled my eyes so hard at that and my mom was like "stop being so hoity-toity! It was a nice wedding!" 

My, how the times have changed.

ETA: Boxes

kmmssg

I am a 4 time MOB and your mom is pissing me off.

My girls' weddings were a gift from us.  They came up with their vision, told us what they wanted and we signed the contracts to make that happen within the budget.

Realize that if you have your mom and dad sign any contracts they can change them on a dime.  That vendor doesn't answer to you, they answer to the person who signed the contract and paid the deposit.  While it would be lovely if your parents would define their contribution and maybe even contract vendors, I caution you that you need to keep in mind they can go and change things - like meal types, meal selections, etc.  I could have done any of that with our vendors as long as I had the money to back up any requested changes.

If you can get a cash gift from them to use as you need it that is wonderful.  It sounds like your mom is very passive/aggressive and you need to make sure you can trust her if she contracts any vendors.

I agree with PGL's advice and hope you can work things out with your parents. Good grief!

MGP

Hello quote boxes??

Its only a hillbilly wedding if the couple has their guests work for free at the wedding or pay for any part of it.

OP hats off to you for being so mature about all of this. Plan what youcan afford and be proud of that. Good luck!

[Deleted User]

MGP said:

southernbelle0915 said:

Your mom's handling of that situation was awful. Immature and awful. A "hillbilly" wedding? That would have gotten no less than a "fuck you, don't come" from me.

Anyway. Is she normally a reasonable, approachable person? If so, sit her down and talk. Let her know that you aren't willing to sign any contracts or look at anything that's outside the money you currently have in your bank account. So that's why you're only considering these things. She can sneer and boo at that all day long, but that's how it is now and that's how it's going to be throughout the entire planning process. You are TELLING her. Not ASKING for opinions.

So that being said, if she wants things to be nicer, you need a check to clear in your bank account before you're going to start looking at nicer stuff. She might throw another tantrum and accuse you of thinking she's "not good for it" or something. Don't let that get to you. Just repeat that you won't sign a contract in your name without the money in your bank account.

If she continues to act like a child, I would say "thanks but no thanks" to her money. Maybe when you say no to all of it, she'll see how serious you are about being financially responsible. Any (rational) mother should be proud to see their kids acting that way.

You should continue planning as you've been planning. Don't ever let anyone tell you that your wedding "isn't good enough" or that it's "hillbilly" or any other garbage. Be proud of what you can afford - you have full support for planning within your means here on TK. 

CAN I GET AN AMEN?!

Seriously, OP, you are doing the right thing. I would have been in tears, too, and being that overwhelmed is no way to try to have a serious conversation. Your mom was looking to hurt you, and she succeeded, unfortunately. 

We got you. We all know what budgets are here, and there are tons of tips and tricks for how to have a wonderful, phenomenal, well-hosted event here that you will love.

Eff that noise. Hillbilly wedding. Ugh.

------- Its only a hillbilly wedding if the couple has their guests work for free at the wedding or pay for any part of it.

Hah! I have done that before (both things) for the same wedding. I swore there was no way in hell that would be happening at mine, hence the budgeting!! 

charlottesmom0626

I'm with you:

My mom told me I was being cheap in multiple aspects of my wedding, and cried and bitched that she wasn't included. When I made more of an effort to ask her opinion or "include" her in decisions, she didn't have the time or was too busy or another stupid excuse.

Moral: some moms go craycray over their daugther's weddings because they envision it as their own plans for years.

Knottie87702627

I didn't read any of the other posts, so I apologize if I am repeating some things.

FIRST You are correct to be planning a wedding based on what you and your fiance can afford. If they haven't put cash in your hand then you cannot count on it. 

NEXT sit down with your Fiance and both your parents. Have them tell you what they are willing to contribute. This might be a dollar amount, OR more likely they will "cover" certain costs. My parents gave us a dollar amount, my fiance's parents said they would cover the meal cost for the extra family they asked us to invite. So then you have a budget.

THEN ask what is important to your parents. Maybe your Mum has always dreamed of shopping for your wedding dress. SET A DRESS BUDGET, how much each person is going to contribute. Then go shopping with her. Try on the dresses she wants you to. Then pick one that is in budget that you love. 

ALSO there may be family traditions on both sides that the parents may see as important. My FFIL is very religious, we are not. We asked him to help us pick a reading that would fit us as a couple. I am fine with one reading in the ceremony if it makes him happy.

If your parents are still unwilling to nail down a dollar amount, or what they are willing to cover, during this sit down. Then tell them "Mom, Dad, I love you both very much and I'm thrilled that you want to help out, but without knowing my budget I can't really begin to plan a wedding. Fiance and I can afford $X. This is the budget we have to work with." Leave it at that. They will either say OK or give you an amount they can afford to contribute. 

This is a tough situation. Try to sit them down and have a calm conversation, no one likes to talk about money, but if you do it in a calm, no yelling adult way you should be able to get some answers. Also your wedding is a few years off, you don't need to make too many financial decisions this early. Find an economical venue and go from there. 

Good Luck

mrscomposer

Knottie87702627 said:

I didn't read any of the other posts, so I apologize if I am repeating some things.

FIRST You are correct to be planning a wedding based on what you and your fiance can afford. If they haven't put cash in your hand then you cannot count on it. 

NEXT sit down with your Fiance and both your parents. Have them tell you what they are willing to contribute. This might be a dollar amount, OR more likely they will "cover" certain costs. My parents gave us a dollar amount, my fiance's parents said they would cover the meal cost for the extra family they asked us to invite. So then you have a budget.

THEN ask what is important to your parents. Maybe your Mum has always dreamed of shopping for your wedding dress. SET A DRESS BUDGET, how much each person is going to contribute. Then go shopping with her. Try on the dresses she wants you to. Then pick one that is in budget that you love. 

ALSO there may be family traditions on both sides that the parents may see as important. My FFIL is very religious, we are not. We asked him to help us pick a reading that would fit us as a couple. I am fine with one reading in the ceremony if it makes him happy.

If your parents are still unwilling to nail down a dollar amount, or what they are willing to cover, during this sit down. Then tell them "Mom, Dad, I love you both very much and I'm thrilled that you want to help out, but without knowing my budget I can't really begin to plan a wedding. Fiance and I can afford $X. This is the budget we have to work with." Leave it at that. They will either say OK or give you an amount they can afford to contribute. 

This is a tough situation. Try to sit them down and have a calm conversation, no one likes to talk about money, but if you do it in a calm, no yelling adult way you should be able to get some answers. Also your wedding is a few years off, you don't need to make too many financial decisions this early. Find an economical venue and go from there. 

Good Luck

OR instead of sitting your parents down and putting them on the spot and having a super awkward conversation about what they're going to contribute to your wedding whether they were planning on it or not...

... just plan the wedding you and your FI can afford.  If parents offer money, accept it graciously (if you want it) and ask them at that point if they have something specific they'd like it to go towards.  Treat it as a bonus, and shuffle the rest of your budget accordingly.