I got invited to another PPD

AlexisA01

After Virginia legalized gay marriage, Toni and Silk went and got married at the JOP. It was announced and the couple and their respected families decided to throw a PPD sometime this year with all their friends and families. She asked me for my address and how to spell my Fi's name properly because she wants to send a save the date for the event. She said she wants properly host all of the guests including having an open bar with amazing food.  We don't mind going but how would you guys react if you were invited to this type of ppd?

CMGragain

Etiquette doesn't change for same sex couples.  I would congratulate them on their marriage, but not attend a PPD.  If they decided to have a celebration party, without the redo ceremony, I would attend with pleasure.

[Deleted User]

Honestly, as long as they aren't pretending that this is their "real" wedding and lying to everyone, I would probably go. 

My issue with PPDs is when the couple pretends that they aren't yet married. The anguish regarding PPDs mainly stems from their implication that the dress, cake, first-dances, flower arrangements, etc are what make a couple "married". As though your wedding doesn't count unless it comes with the bells and whistles. 

If a couple goes to a JOP and then later decides that wedding wasn't good enough and they want a re-do, I side-eye.

If a couple goes to a JOP, fully owns their choice, and still decides they want to throw a big party for their friends and family while acknowledging that they are already married, that is their prerogative and I don't have an issue with it. 

mlg78

I agree...it's all about the deception for me.  Tell me you're already hitched and I'll happily attend and celebrate...I'll roll my eyes about some things, but I'll be there.

AlexisA01

jenandtonic81515 said:

Honestly, as long as they aren't pretending that this is their "real" wedding and lying to everyone, I would probably go. 

My issue with PPDs is when the couple pretends that they aren't yet married. The anguish regarding PPDs mainly stems from their implication that the dress, cake, first-dances, flower arrangements, etc are what make a couple "married". As though your wedding doesn't count unless it comes with the bells and whistles. 

If a couple goes to a JOP and then later decides that wedding wasn't good enough and they want a re-do, I side-eye.

If a couple goes to a JOP, fully owns their choice, and still decides they want to throw a big party for their friends and family while acknowledging that they are already married, that is their prerogative and I don't have an issue with it. 

So far they acknowledge their wedding, they wanted to be clear that they have gotten married once VA allowed same sex marriage  I am guessing they might wear a lovely dress/suit and redo their vows but I am not entirely sure. I asked Silk if she was going to get an officiant to see what she said and she said "why would we, we are married. We want to party with everyone."

[Deleted User]

It sounds like your friends are doing a PPD the right way (oxymoron). They aren't lying. They acknowledge they are married. They aren't lying. They don't sound like they plan on dragging everyone through a re-enactment. They aren't lying. It sounds like more of a marriage celebration than a "wedding". Did I mention THEY AREN'T LYING? 

AddieCake

I have no objections to PPDs when it's not a lie.

lyndausvi

As long as they are not hiding the fact they are already married I would treat the invite like I treat ALL invites.  If it fits in my schedule I will go.

AlexisA01

jenandtonic81515 said:

It sounds like your friends are doing a PPD the right way (oxymoron). They aren't lying. They acknowledge they are married. They aren't lying. They don't sound like they plan on dragging everyone through a re-enactment. They aren't lying. It sounds like more of a marriage celebration than a "wedding". Did I mention THEY AREN'T LYING? 

Yes, hahaha. See the power of the truth, no lying hahah!!

Cookie Pusher

As long as they aren't lying and they're properly hosting all of their guests, I would still attend if invited. Lying is bad. Lying combined with poor hosting is abominable.

LondonLisa

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but hasn't there been several cases in some US States where same sex marriage is legal and then 30 days later a judge puts a stay on it so no more marriages for years whilst it is in the legal system? I'm very forgiving as I can understand wanting to get married TODAY if you don't know it is going to stay legal and throwing a fun party at a later date. I'm also biased because I feel like gay couples should get however many "wedding celebrations" they want because of so many years of being so discriminated against and unable to celebrate their love publicly. But as PP have said, I don't care as long as I'm not lied to.

theartistformerlyknownas

LondonLisa said:

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but hasn't there been several cases in some US States where same sex marriage is legal and then 30 days later a judge puts a stay on it so no more marriages for years whilst it is in the legal system? I'm very forgiving as I can understand wanting to get married TODAY if you don't know it is going to stay legal and throwing a fun party at a later date. I'm also biased because I feel like gay couples should get however many "wedding celebrations" they want because of so many years of being so discriminated against and unable to celebrate their love publicly. But as PP have said, I don't care as long as I'm not lied to.

Yeah the bolded was my feeling too. They don't necessarily always have the luxury of holding off on the legal part until they can plan the celebratory part, because it might not still be legal by then. I wouldn't judge this one.

redoryx

LondonLisa said:

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but hasn't there been several cases in some US States where same sex marriage is legal and then 30 days later a judge puts a stay on it so no more marriages for years whilst it is in the legal system? I'm very forgiving as I can understand wanting to get married TODAY if you don't know it is going to stay legal and throwing a fun party at a later date. I'm also biased because I feel like gay couples should get however many "wedding celebrations" they want because of so many years of being so discriminated against and unable to celebrate their love publicly. But as PP have said, I don't care as long as I'm not lied to.

Yes, I'm not going to side-eye this knowing there's a chance the legal system will be stupid.

That being said, the OP later said she asked if there would be an officiant and one of the Brides said no, why would they, they are already married so this really does just sound like a big ol' party.

MGP

Cookie Pusher said:

As long as they aren't lying and they're properly hosting all of their guests, I would still attend if invited. Lying is bad. Lying combined with poor hosting is abominable.

TRUTH

Iamnowmrsjms

I attended this kind of PPD a few yrs ago, prior to being engaged and a TK lurker, and thought nothing of it.  I had no idea what a PPD was, up until a few months ago, lurking here frequently.

This couple held their wedding reception in RI (where gay marriage was not yet legal), and were legally maried in MA a day prior.  It was a great celebration, properly hosted, and I didn't feel slighted in the least. 

I would also have an issue if the couple was LYING, and would side eye most situations, even if the couple wasn't lying.

Fran1985

I wouldn't even call this a PPD. A PPD is a wedding re do- and the wedding is the part where they get married. Now usually a reception is a thank you to guests who witnessed the wedding, so if you have a situation where no one witnessed the wedding and you are just throwing a party, some people side eye it because you are throwing a party in your own honor. But I will come to every celebration of a wedding, birthday party, etc, thats well hosted and toast to your friendship.

annathy03

It doesn't sound like they're even planning a ceremony, and I'd be happy to attend a party celebrating a friends recent marriage.

Plus since our legal system tends to be stupid on this stuff, I understand wanting to get legally married ASAP so you don't have to worry about it not being legal by the time you plan the party.  As long as they are being up front and honest (which they are) I wouldn't side-eye that at all.

ChemFanatic25

I wouldn't side eye this at all. There have been states that have taken back the laws that were passed allowing gay marriage so a lot of people ran to the judge before it was reversed. I can totally understand them doing this and then having another ceremony/celebration later. Doesn't bother me at all. They're not lying about their situation.

marie2785

lolo883 said:

LondonLisa said:

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but hasn't there been several cases in some US States where same sex marriage is legal and then 30 days later a judge puts a stay on it so no more marriages for years whilst it is in the legal system? I'm very forgiving as I can understand wanting to get married TODAY if you don't know it is going to stay legal and throwing a fun party at a later date. I'm also biased because I feel like gay couples should get however many "wedding celebrations" they want because of so many years of being so discriminated against and unable to celebrate their love publicly. But as PP have said, I don't care as long as I'm not lied to.

Yeah the bolded was my feeling too. They don't necessarily always have the luxury of holding off on the legal part until they can plan the celebratory part, because it might not still be legal by then. I wouldn't judge this one.

Same here. I have no issues with this. They're being honest about already being legally married. The circumstances of their wedding (rushing in case the state stopped them) were extenuating, and those need to be taken into account before judgement is passed. My home state (Michigan) stopped all gay weddings, and then tried to invalidate them. So that's a good example of a state making it so gay people had to QUICKLY marry and could not properly plan their wedding. 

So if a gay couple went to a JOP quickly, and then later decided to do a vow renewal, or have the ceremony validated by their clergy person in a religious ceremony, I'd be all for it, as long as they're honest about it. Even if they wore wedding suits/dresses and did the traditional wedding related activities I'd be fine. Their honesty, and extenuating circumstances that affect the gay community make this a special case.

JellyBean52513

AddieCake said:

I have no objections to PPDs when it's not a lie.

I still have issues with PPDs even when the couple is honest. I really have no respect for "We went to the courthouse to get legally married because kids/insurance/didn't feel like waiting but now we're having the real wedding!"

Still gross to me. You can't have a realer wedding than the one you already had. Terrible how people value a dress, a bridal party, a dinner, a cake, etc. as being more "real" than the actual pronunciation of being husband and wife. 

SP29

I don't view this as a PPD- it sounds like they aren't trying to re-enact "their perfect special day!" because they want a "real" wedding. It sounds like they just want to have an awesome party- which if properly hosted is always A-OK with me!

II agree, my issue with PPDs is when people lie about being married AND when they re-enact their "real" wedding. Vow renewal? Celebration of marriage? Sure! Do over? No.

[Deleted User]

wrigleyville

I would totally go to this. It sounds like they aren't having a pretend ceremony, and everyone knows they're already married. I would party my ass off with them.

mollybarker11

marie2785 said:

lolo883 said:

LondonLisa said:

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but hasn't there been several cases in some US States where same sex marriage is legal and then 30 days later a judge puts a stay on it so no more marriages for years whilst it is in the legal system? I'm very forgiving as I can understand wanting to get married TODAY if you don't know it is going to stay legal and throwing a fun party at a later date. I'm also biased because I feel like gay couples should get however many "wedding celebrations" they want because of so many years of being so discriminated against and unable to celebrate their love publicly. But as PP have said, I don't care as long as I'm not lied to.

Yeah the bolded was my feeling too. They don't necessarily always have the luxury of holding off on the legal part until they can plan the celebratory part, because it might not still be legal by then. I wouldn't judge this one.

Same here. I have no issues with this. They're being honest about already being legally married. The circumstances of their wedding (rushing in case the state stopped them) were extenuating, and those need to be taken into account before judgement is passed. My home state (Michigan) stopped all gay weddings, and then tried to invalidate them. So that's a good example of a state making it so gay people had to QUICKLY marry and could not properly plan their wedding. 

So if a gay couple went to a JOP quickly, and then later decided to do a vow renewal, or have the ceremony validated by their clergy person in a religious ceremony, I'd be all for it, as long as they're honest about it. Even if they wore wedding suits/dresses and did the traditional wedding related activities I'd be fine. Their honesty, and extenuating circumstances that affect the gay community make this a special case.

Eughhh I had no idea about that happening (blissfully ignorant here in Canadaland). So heartbreaking and so infuriating. And yeah OP - your friend said they're not getting an officiant so it's not even a case where you could maybe side-eye a too-soon vow renewal. They're throwing a party to celebrate their marriage, party on I say.

hellosweetie1015

JellyBean52513 said:

AddieCake said:

I have no objections to PPDs when it's not a lie.

I still have issues with PPDs even when the couple is honest. I really have no respect for "We went to the courthouse to get legally married because kids/insurance/didn't feel like waiting but now we're having the real wedding!"

Still gross to me. You can't have a realer wedding than the one you already had. Terrible how people value a dress, a bridal party, a dinner, a cake, etc. as being more "real" than the actual pronunciation of being husband and wife. 

Guessing I'll have no box...

I really agree with this generally - throw a party, yeah, go for it, but to me the legal bit is the important bit, and the only reason I'm doing the vast majority of the rest is for other people.

However, I know for a fact that my state put the kibosh on gay marriage before licenses were ever issued (Yay, Alabama) and it was a huge ball of confusion about whether or not they were to be issued. And there is zero guarantee that it won't come back until it's the law of the land, because - again - yay Alabama! So a couple going to get married in a rush today because there's no guarantee they can do it tomorrow gets zero side eye for an after party, especially since there's seemingly no reenactment going on.