Deleting thread

Knottie22166696

From what I've just seen from similar threads, many (not all of course) of the commenters on this site tend to get really judgey and down right rude on etiquette questions. I was kind of hoping for a more supportive environment where women helped and politely tried to educate each other and share constructive opinions. Planning a wedding is stressful enough, so who needs a barrage catty comments and insults? But thank you to those who politely shared opinions and direction.

antoto

You should take a hot second to read these boards.  I think I speak for everyone when I say nay.  

Question answered, have a good day.

redoryx

antoto said:

You should take a hot second to read these boards.  I think I speak for everyone when I say nay.  

Question answered, have a good day.

*mic drop* 

Blue_Bird

Nay. It's really not polite in the slightest. If I was planning to give you cash, and saw that, I might change my mind.

Furthermore: http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/281647/thinking-of-a-honeymoon-registry/p1

Blue_Bird

Knottie22166696 said:

What is your opinion of the honey fund? 1) in terms of just asking people to donate to a honeymoon instead of presents and 2) whether you like having the option to contribute via the website as opposed to a card/check.

My future MIL thinks the whole thing is tacky, but I really don't see the difference between asking someone to go online and buy us something (we don't need) from Macy's and contributing to something really special like a honeymoon? But maybe I'm tacky?

Also, the majority of our friends our age don't have a lot of money and I tend to think (when I've been a guest) giving a check for $25 feels kind of cheap, but contributing $25 to a larger group fund feels more substantial.

QFP

mikenberger

Knottie22166696 said:

What is your opinion of the honey fund? 1) in terms of just asking people to donate to a honeymoon instead of presents and 2) whether you like having the option to contribute via the website as opposed to a card/check.

My future MIL thinks the whole thing is tacky, but I really don't see the difference between asking someone to go online and buy us something (we don't need) from Macy's and contributing to something really special like a honeymoon? But maybe I'm tacky?

Also, the majority of our friends our age don't have a lot of money and I tend to think (when I've been a guest) giving a check for $25 feels kind of cheap, but contributing $25 to a larger group fund feels more substantial.

Your FMIL is correct. Honeyfunds are tacky and they take a percentage of your guests gift so you don't even receive all of it. Why would you throw away a gift like that? Be kinder to your guests. And a $25 check is not cheap. It's asinine that you would imply that you should receive more from your guests. Gifts, in any denomination or size, are not to be expected.

If you want money, don't create a gift registry. People will get the hint.

drunkenwitch

Knottie22166696 said:

From what I've just seen from similar threads, many (not all of course) of the commenters on this site tend to get really judgey and down right rude on etiquette questions. I was kind of hoping for a more supportive environment where women helped and politely tried to educate each other and share constructive opinions. Planning a wedding is stressful enough, so who needs a barrage catty comments and insults? But thank you to those who politely shared opinions and direction.

And you feel sorry husbands and we're mean and we're ugly and we just sit online and bully people and we don't know your life and your situation is special and different and your friends won't care because it's your day and you can do what you want. Can you tell we've heard it all before?

mikenberger

Knottie22166696 said:

From what I've just seen from similar threads, many (not all of course) of the commenters on this site tend to get really judgey and down right rude on etiquette questions. I was kind of hoping for a more supportive environment where women helped and politely tried to educate each other and share constructive opinions. Planning a wedding is stressful enough, so who needs a barrage catty comments and insults? But thank you to those who politely shared opinions and direction.

Wow. You sure showed me.

Please, do ask your guests for money. Maybe a cute poem or a sign the kids can carry around? And if anybody says boo about it, they obviously don't love you and support your day. You do whatever you and your fiancé want to do. Etiquette be damned.

AddieCake

Telling someone an idea is tacky or inappropriate is not rude. You asked for opinions, and you got them. If you don't want opinions, don't ask for them.

antoto

Knottie22166696 said:

From what I've just seen from similar threads, many (not all of course) of the commenters on this site tend to get really judgey and down right rude on etiquette questions. I was kind of hoping for a more supportive environment where women helped and politely tried to educate each other and share constructive opinions. Planning a wedding is stressful enough, so who needs a barrage catty comments and insults? But thank you to those who politely shared opinions and direction.

There is not a single insult on here.  Responses were blunt and straight forward, not catty.

This question you just asked has been asked a LOT on here and there are a lot of extremely polite, educational responses.  If you had looked around for just a little bit before posting you would have seen these.

You asked a question and we answered.  You now know that it IS tacky (and also a waste of money).  I see this as a happy ending.

kinney0515

I was etiquette stupid when I joined here.  I remember my first post was asking if it would be okay to tell guests not to bring gifts- since they were all traveling from far and I felt bad.  I was surprised to hear this was a faux pas (let people make their own decisions about their money without mentioning money or gifts) and then realized how much I didn't know about proper etiquette. I did a lot of reading on here and found myself extremely enlightened.  I am so grateful that I took the time to soak up the knowledge of etiquette and am applying 99% of it to my wedding (other than perhaps- putting on my wedding website that attire is semi casual which is a slight breach).  

I feel not only will taking in all the information serve me well to being a great bride/host at my wedding- but will also help me in the long run in life.  

I will say I like to inform people a little more gently than some of the ladies in here do- but I also appreciate their frankness because without it- I wouldn't have realized how rude some breaches of etiquette were.  

flantastic

Knottie22166696 said:

From what I've just seen from similar threads, many (not all of course) of the commenters on this site tend to get really judgey and down right rude on etiquette questions. I was kind of hoping for a more supportive environment where women helped and politely tried to educate each other and share constructive opinions. Planning a wedding is stressful enough, so who needs a barrage catty comments and insults? But thank you to those who politely shared opinions and direction.

The bolded is exactly what happened to you in this thread. You just didn't like those opinions. Everyone was polite, if perhaps a little more blunt than you're used to.

mikenberger

flantastic said:

Knottie22166696 said:

From what I've just seen from similar threads, many (not all of course) of the commenters on this site tend to get really judgey and down right rude on etiquette questions. I was kind of hoping for a more supportive environment where women helped and politely tried to educate each other and share constructive opinions. Planning a wedding is stressful enough, so who needs a barrage catty comments and insults? But thank you to those who politely shared opinions and direction.

The bolded is exactly what happened to you in this thread. You just didn't like those opinions. Everyone was polite, if perhaps a little more blunt than you're used to.

------boxes------

Nobody even cursed. This was pretty blunt light.

manateehugger

Did you tell your FMIL she is rude and judgy when she told you your idea was tacky?

chibiyui

Blue_Bird said:

What is your opinion of the honey fund? 1) in terms of just asking people to donate to a honeymoon instead of presents and 2) whether you like having the option to contribute via the website as opposed to a card/check.

My future MIL thinks the whole thing is tacky, but I really don't see the difference between asking someone to go online and buy us something (we don't need) from Macy's and contributing to something really special like a honeymoon? But maybe I'm tacky?

Also, the majority of our friends our age don't have a lot of money and I tend to think (when I've been a guest) giving a check for $25 feels kind of cheap, but contributing $25 to a larger group fund feels more substantial.

QFP

So, hey OP, I'm going to comment to your original question and not your failed flounce. 

I've been in that "I can only give $25 bucks" position before. It sucks. You know what I did then, I'd make gift baskets of utensils from the registry, I'd bargain shop, I'd add something personal to make it seem like my gift was "more".

You know what doesn't make a gift "more"? Adding to a fucking group fund with my name printed right beside the  "meager" $25 dollars. Except even better, since it's a honeyfund, you're getting that $25 bucks minus the transaction fee. So not only do your friends with no cash still feel like shit, you get less money as well.

Good job!

levioosa

I was 99.9% sure this was cross posted from WW. Your response has proven my theory to be true.

No one was rude.  What you are planning to do, however is.  Using a Honeyfund is telling your guests to give you cash (rude--you don't get to dictate the form of your gifts).  You don't get the experiences and honey fund takes a cut of what is given and then gives you the rest in a check.  If you want cash, don't register.  Everyone knows cash is a good gift. 

Also, if you are viewing a gift of $25 as "measly" your attitude is super shitty.  You appreciate any gift that is generously given.  Gifts should never be expected.  Calling out a smaller amount as "measly" is pretty gross.  No one deserves gifts, but you especially don't deserve a gift with that attitude.  Do you know how much your guests are spending to attend your wedding?  A lot more than a "measly $25."  

manateehugger

Yeah, you know what I did when I was a poor college/grad student? Called up another friend attending and asking if they wanted to go in together on a gift or bought a gift card for whatever I could afford. All without being prompted how to fork over my cash by the bride.

redoryx

Knottie22166696 said:

From what I've just seen from similar threads, many (not all of course) of the commenters on this site tend to get really judgey and down right rude on etiquette questions. I was kind of hoping for a more supportive environment where women helped and politely tried to educate each other and share constructive opinions. Planning a wedding is stressful enough, so who needs a barrage catty comments and insults? But thank you to those who politely shared opinions and direction.

Support does not mean validating your ideas willy nilly. Also, I'm pretty sure the women here did educate you, they just gave answers you didn't like. But not giving you the answer you didn't want to hear doesn't mean they didn't answer your question.

huskypuppy14

Knottie22166696 said:

From what I've just seen from similar threads, many (not all of course) of the commenters on this site tend to get really judgey and down right rude on etiquette questions. I was kind of hoping for a more supportive environment where women helped and politely tried to educate each other and share constructive opinions. Planning a wedding is stressful enough, so who needs a barrage catty comments and insults? But thank you to those who politely shared opinions and direction.

Cookie Pusher

So odd. We didn't register for anything (no household goods, no honeymoon fund, etc.) and every single gift we got was some form of money. There were no transaction fees and no wait time to receive the funds the way you would with those honeymoon fund sites either! Added bonus, I didn't look tacky or greedy.

sophhabobopha

slothiegal

Knottie22166696 said:

From what I've just seen from similar threads, many (not all of course) of the commenters on this site tend to get really judgey and down right rude on etiquette questions. I was kind of hoping for a more supportive environment where women helped and politely tried to educate each other and share constructive opinions. Planning a wedding is stressful enough, so who needs a barrage catty comments and insults? But thank you to those who politely shared opinions and direction.

I'm so sorry you got your feelings hurt over one of the TAMEST fucking threads I've seen in a long time.  I've reread this thread three times and can't see who was so "catty" when responding to you. I urge you, @knottie22166696, to come back and tell me, honestly, who was so terribly out of line.  Please.

In the meantime, might I offer the suggestion that the internet may not be the place for you if this is enough to cause you distress?  And for the love of god, stay away from 4chan. I'm not sure if your pearls could stand the clutching it would induce.

Dreamergirl8812

Knottie22166696 said:

From what I've just seen from similar threads, many (not all of course) of the commenters on this site tend to get really judgey and down right rude on etiquette questions. I was kind of hoping for a more supportive environment where women helped and politely tried to educate each other and share constructive opinions. Planning a wedding is stressful enough, so who needs a barrage catty comments and insults? But thank you to those who politely shared opinions and direction.

If you need help and support from other women, go to a battered women's shelter. What? You're not being abused? You're planning to wed the love of your life?

Fucking deal with how hard your life is that you want to ask people for cash so you can fuck in some exotic locale make love in a magical land.

LabLove86

I only came here because it said "Deleting Thread"

lovesclimbing

LabLove86 said:

I only came here because it said "Deleting Thread"

Ditto.

ohannabelle

Knottie22166696 said:

From what I've just seen from similar threads, many (not all of course) of the commenters on this site tend to get really judgey and down right rude on etiquette questions. I was kind of hoping for a more supportive environment where women helped and politely tried to educate each other and share constructive opinions. Planning a wedding is stressful enough, so who needs a barrage catty comments and insults? But thank you to those who politely shared opinions and direction.

I really don't see any insults or catty comments. 

Supportive and helpful? Yes. You were given the answer to your question, explanations as to why, and how people might feel about it. Nobody insulted you.

Fact: Fundraisers are considered to be bad etiquette. It's rude to ask for money, and telling people how you intend to spend it doesn't make it better.

If you're so easily wounded by the fact that not every idea you have is brilliant, or that there are points of etiquette you don't know, perhaps the internet isn't the problem. 

(Also, why in a million years would you ask someone to go to Macy's and buy something you don't need? Why would you do that? Logic, please. Why not register for things you do like or need? Or if you're one of those mysterious people who need absolutely nothing- your glasses never break, your sheets never wear out, your kitchen and bath towels will never be stained or need replacing, you have every pot and pan and plate you'll ever need- don't register at all. )

cat·ty ˈkadē/ adjective

1. 1.

   deliberately hurtful in one's remarks; spiteful.

   
   

   Insult ˈinˌsəlt/ noun

   1. 1.

      a disrespectful or scornfully abusive remark or action.

      "he hurled insults at us"

      
      

      
      

      
      

southernbelle0915

Came for the DD. 

Yea, your MIL is right, honeymoon registries are tacky. Asking for donations should be reserved for charity. Panhandling is not appropriate for a wedding.

Also, OP, I wonder why you would post to an etiquette board asking for etiquette advice and then say "everyone is mean" when people give you etiquette advice. This will always confuse me.

PrettyGirlLost

LabLove86 said:

I only came here because it said "Deleting Thread"