I need some help with ideas for my ringbear

Dmk7377

My nephew Ryan was born on Valentine's day last yr. ever since I found out about Ryan I knew he was my ringbear hands down. Ryan was born a premie and very sick. Ryan fought hard for 6 beautiful months then passed away. I need help with hororing the fact that even though he is gone he is still my one and only choice for my ringbear. I thought about wheeling a wagon with his picture and a teddy bear but that's to much. If anyone could give me ideas I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you Deanna

novella1186

I'm so sorry for your loss. 

Weddings, however, are the wrong time and place for a memorial. Weddings should be joyful occasions, and the focus should be you and your new husband starting your lives together. It will make the guests (and you, most likely) feel very sad and maybe even uncomfortable if there is a lot of focus put on a tragic loss during what's supposed to be such a happy celebration. 

If you want to honor him, do something personal that's just for you. Put his photo in a locket that you wear or tie around your bouquet. Light a little candle for him privately during the reception (without doing anything ceremonial or drawing attention to it). Your heart is in the right place, but the wedding is not the right time for this. 

southernbelle0915

Dmk7377 said:

My nephew Ryan was born on Valentine's day last yr. ever since I found out about Ryan I knew he was my ringbear hands down. Ryan was born a premie and very sick. Ryan fought hard for 6 beautiful months then passed away. I need help with hororing the fact that even though he is gone he is still my one and only choice for my ringbear. I thought about wheeling a wagon with his picture and a teddy bear but that's to much. If anyone could give me ideas I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you Deanna

I totally agree. That's too much. The thing about memorials at weddings it that they are extremely sad and remind people of death - not celebration of love. For this reason, many people find this garish. 

I would carry something of his with you. The easiest/most convenient place to do this would be your bouquet.

Keep in mind that whatever you do is for YOU. It's not to raise awareness that your nephew passed. It's for you to remember him. For that reason, it should be subtle and special just for you.

artbyallie

I am very sorry for your loss but you cannot make a deceased infant your ringbearer. How terribly heartwrenching that would be for his parents and grandparents. I don't know why you would rub that loss in the face of your parents and sibling on your wedding day. Please be considerate of their feelings and don't do this. I understand that you mean well, but they may be grieving differently and could be terribly hurt by it.

I like the idea of putting his picture in your bouquet. That way it is private.

STARMOON44

I think a silent prayer would be nice. Anything other people can notice and you risk making it seem like the tragedy here is that he couldn't be your ringbearer when really that shouldn't even register compared with everything else.

Jen4948

I'm very sorry for your loss.

But I agree with PPs that showy, conspicuous gestures that focus everyone's attention on a tragic loss are not an appropriate way to "honor" someone, especially a deceased person who died untimely, at a wedding, which is supposed to be a happy occasion. Not only that, many venues do not allow wagons, carts, or strollers to be wheeled in. So for both these reasons, this would not be an appropriate way to "honor" his memory.

As PPs note, whatever you do should be quiet, subtle, and private so as not to make anyone unhappy or uncomfortable. Carrying his photo with your bouquet, as a PP mentioned, would be nice.

levioosa

I'm so sorry for your loss.  Your gut instinct is right; what you are contemplating is too much.  Displaying memorials at weddings is already inappropriate, and when a child is involved, the loss is especially gut-wrenching.  

You will still be honoring him by keeping him in your thoughts privately.  Perhaps you could put a picture of him in a locket wound around your bouquet?

Dmk7377

Thank you all for your comments except artbyallie. You have no idea what your talking about my niece (his mom) thought about doing something so instead of giving good feedback you were RUDE. Please if you have nothing nice to say don't comment.

Dreamergirl8812

Dmk7377 said:

Thank you all for your comments except artbyallie. You have no idea what your talking about my niece (his mom) thought about doing something so instead of giving good feedback you were RUDE. Please if you have nothing nice to say don't comment.

What she said WAS very nice and spot ON. I almost started crying reading your OP and picturing an empty wagon going down the aisle. I can ONLY imagine how her parents would FEEL.

You have no right to TELL someone when they can and cannot COMMENT.

levioosa

Dmk7377 said: Thank you all for your comments except artbyallie. You have no idea what your talking about my niece (his mom) thought about doing something so instead of giving good feedback you were RUDE. Please if you have nothing nice to say don't comment. ---------------Preemptive Box Fix-----------
What?!  She was not rude.  She responded thoughtfully.  It's true, a deceased infant cannot physically be a ring bearer.  And it is going to be heart wrenching if you make a big show of it.  

This is an open forum.  People can comment on whatever they want and however they want.  

chibiyui

Dmk7377 said:

Thank you all for your comments except artbyallie. You have no idea what your talking about my niece (his mom) thought about doing something so instead of giving good feedback you were RUDE. Please if you have nothing nice to say don't comment.

Yeah, the first thing I thought reading your OP was that my sister would fucking kill me if I made a spectacle of her child's death at my wedding.

Everyone gave you great advice. There was nothing rude about artbayllies comment, and god help you if you can't understand that other people who are just as hurt and more by your nephews untimely death might be turned off by a public display of mourning done by you at your wedding.

Dmk7377

Um yes there was my family is the one who came up with the idea HIS OWN MOM HELPED ME COME UP WITH THE IDEA. yes I admit it is sad but telling not to rub it in their faces like come on. And just for all these rude comments I am deleting this.

flantastic

Dmk7377 said:

Um yes there was my family is the one who came up with the idea HIS OWN MOM HELPED ME COME UP WITH THE IDEA. yes I admit it is sad but telling not to rub it in their faces like come on. And just for all these rude comments I am deleting this.

Good luck. That's not how this works. And no one was rude.

I am sorry for your grief, but even if his mother and other family members are on board with the idea, you cannot possibly have gotten the permission of everyone who may be grieving for this little boy, and so you run the risk of accidentally "rubbing it in someone's face" when they do not expect to be confronted by grief because a wedding is a joyous occasion. You and each of your family members should mourn privately, if you must mourn during your wedding.

Dmk7377

Yes she was rude I never asked someone to talk to me like that. I just wanted ideas which some were great, guess I came to the wrong place.

flantastic

Dmk7377 said:

Yes she was rude I never asked someone to talk to me like that. I just wanted ideas which some were great, guess I came to the wrong place.

She was worried that you would offend and hurt your sister, so she made it clear that was a possibility. She did not have to sugarcoat her advice about that possibility. She had no way of knowing that your sister was okay with it because you did not include that information originally. I have no idea what you mean when you say "talk to me like that."

Sometimes the best advice is "This is a bad or inappropriate idea and could cause trouble" no matter how much you may be grieving.

Dmk7377

Well say it like that not like how they did. I will take what everyone said and take it to heart

artbyallie

You never said in your OP that this was the child's mother's idea. It is still too sad for a wedding and could still cause pain to someone so something more private is more appropriate. If my wording upset you then that is just proof things can be taken the wrong way and should indicate to you more than anything that you should be careful of how what you do can make other people feel.

novella1186

Sometimes people on these boards are straight-forward, because the purpose is to get straight-forward honest advice. Sometimes it's not what the OP wants to hear, or it's not sugar coated enough. That doesn't mean it was rude or wrong. 

The advice you were given was very honest, and very truthful, and everyone had a good point. You can't control the way people post on a public internet forum. And you should appreciate how honest everyone was. I'm just going to leave this here, not just for the OP but for any lurkers or newbies whose knee-jerk reaction is to get really upset and take off any time someone doesn't 100% agree with them or give the exact answers they want: 

Have you learned the lessons only of those who admired you, and were tender with you, and stood aside for you? Have you not learned great lessons from those who braced themselves against you, and disputed passage with you?

-Walt Whitman 

Edited because Whitman deserves different font 

ashley8918

Dmk7377 said:

Yes she was rude I never asked someone to talk to me like that. I just wanted ideas which some were great, guess I came to the wrong place.

There is nothing rude about giving you the advice that this idea was potentially hurtfully and inappropriate (which it is). You came here for advice, and you got it. Good advice at that.

And, FFS, it's ring bearER, not ringbear.

thespeshulestsnowflake

ashley8918 said:

Dmk7377 said:

Yes she was rude I never asked someone to talk to me like that. I just wanted ideas which some were great, guess I came to the wrong place.

There is nothing rude about giving you the advice that this idea was potentially hurtfully and inappropriate (which it is). You came here for advice, and you got it. Good advice at that.

And, FFS, it's ring bearER, not ringbear.

YOU DON'T KNOW HER LYFE!!!

THIS COULD BE HER RING BEAR!!!

ashley8918

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

ashley8918 said:

Dmk7377 said:

Yes she was rude I never asked someone to talk to me like that. I just wanted ideas which some were great, guess I came to the wrong place.

There is nothing rude about giving you the advice that this idea was potentially hurtfully and inappropriate (which it is). You came here for advice, and you got it. Good advice at that.

And, FFS, it's ring bearER, not ringbear.

YOU DON'T KNOW HER LYFE!!!

THIS COULD BE HER RING BEAR!!!

justsie

Another perspective, sure his mom wanted this. But there are probably women in the audience that have lost children (and some probably haven't talked about it so you wouldn't even know it) and now this action is going to be bringing up a lot of grief for them. At your wedding. I've been at a wedding and had to run out crying because of a surprise memorial to a loved one (one less obvious than yours) and it was embarrassing, I didnt bother to stay for the reception. Please don't do that to your loved ones. 

levioosa

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

ashley8918 said:

Dmk7377 said:

Yes she was rude I never asked someone to talk to me like that. I just wanted ideas which some were great, guess I came to the wrong place.

There is nothing rude about giving you the advice that this idea was potentially hurtfully and inappropriate (which it is). You came here for advice, and you got it. Good advice at that.

And, FFS, it's ring bearER, not ringbear.

YOU DON'T KNOW HER LYFE!!!

THIS COULD BE HER RING BEAR!!!

If she can get a literal ring bear to deliver the rings...strike everything I said from the record.  A literal ring bear needs to happen.  Fuck the liability. 

NowIAmSyp

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

ashley8918 said:

Dmk7377 said:

Yes she was rude I never asked someone to talk to me like that. I just wanted ideas which some were great, guess I came to the wrong place.

There is nothing rude about giving you the advice that this idea was potentially hurtfully and inappropriate (which it is). You came here for advice, and you got it. Good advice at that.

And, FFS, it's ring bearER, not ringbear.

YOU DON'T KNOW HER LYFE!!!

THIS COULD BE HER RING BEAR!!!

That is SO yoo-nique!

flantastic

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

ashley8918 said:

Dmk7377 said:

Yes she was rude I never asked someone to talk to me like that. I just wanted ideas which some were great, guess I came to the wrong place.

There is nothing rude about giving you the advice that this idea was potentially hurtfully and inappropriate (which it is). You came here for advice, and you got it. Good advice at that.

And, FFS, it's ring bearER, not ringbear.

YOU DON'T KNOW HER LYFE!!!

THIS COULD BE HER RING BEAR!!!

My first instinct on seeing the thread title was to post the HIMYM gifs, but then it was about grief so I didn't feel I could. But now that OP has jumped the shark a little, I'm glad this was addressed.

aurianna

Perhaps just have the best man hold onto the rings. But they could be in a little pouch with your nephews initials embroidered in the inside of it.

A teddy bear could be sweet too, but I would just have it sitting somewhere out of the way, unlabeled, and symbolic.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Dmk7377

Thanks everyone so much and I'm sorry for getting snippy I didn't think about everyone else just wanted to do something to honor Ryan. I'm sorry if I upset anyone. I think I'm gonna have my niece (his mom) hold the rings and maybe put a monkey (his nickname) in her bouquet somewhere

artbyallie

That sounds lovely and meaningful.