So I'm mostly putting this here, because I really don't want to vent, complain, or cry to anyone else.
I'm having a really hard working up excitement for my wedding. Not because I don't love my fiancé, family, and friends... but in the middle of all of this, my father passed away suddenly late November, and I'm really having a hard time trying to deal with him not being there. On top of the fact I'm paranoid I am going to be sad just by the shear fact he's not there, him and my mother had planned on helping pay for a lot of the wedding. After he passed away, I told my mother I was sure the venue would understand if we had to scale back, or make different arrangements. She swears that my father had the money put aside, and she planned on spending it on me regardless. The hard part is, I know she is no longer living with the same income herself, so I'm trying very hard to budget everything I can, and pay for as much out of pocket as I can, but that's hard for me too.
I know it probably sounds terrible. My fiancé also has lost both of his parents, so we were already paying for the rehearsal dinner and honeymoon ourselves, and I feel like the added expenses (which I know, if I asked, my mom would help, I just don't want to ask, if that makes sense) are wearing on me, when I'm already trying to hold it together when I think about my dad not being there. Everything from can I let go of my silly dream of what I wanted for wedding favors and go a cheaper route, to do I really have to have that many people to my rehearsal dinner... My dress fit pretty darn good, does it need alterations? Etc.
In the grand scheme of things, we're "ok". The venue will be paid for, the invitations are already bought, I have a cake, a dress, a DJ, and photographer (thankfully paid for by us already) How much o people really need expensive favors? And a crazy rehearsal dinner? And bunch the next? Ugh, welcome bags (my whole family is from out of own) and postage! Silly things that add up.
And then at the end of it all, I'm just sad b/c he won't be there. I'm glad he at least got to see a picture of me in my wedding dress when it came in, and that he even met and my fiancé got to ask him for permission to marry me etc, it's more then some people get. I'm just worried that I'll be sad the day of when my brother walks me down the isle instead, or there's no father daughter dance (which I'd picked out songs too etc.)
No real point to this, just sad and stressed, and needed to get it all out there.