Wedding Woes

Stressed and sad... with 3 months to go

So I'm mostly putting this here, because I really don't want to vent, complain, or cry to anyone else. 


I'm having a really hard working up excitement for my wedding.  Not because I don't love my fiancé, family, and friends... but in the middle of all of this, my father passed away suddenly late November, and I'm really having a hard time trying to deal with him not being there.  On top of the fact I'm paranoid I am going to be sad just by the shear fact he's not there, him and my mother had planned on helping pay for a lot of the wedding.  After he passed away, I told my mother I was sure the venue would understand if we had to scale back, or make different arrangements.  She swears that my father had the money put aside, and she planned on spending it on me regardless.  The hard part is, I know she is no longer living with the same income herself, so I'm trying very hard to budget everything I can, and pay for as much out of pocket as I can, but that's hard for me too. 

I know it probably sounds terrible.  My fiancé also has lost both of his parents, so we were already paying for the rehearsal dinner and honeymoon ourselves, and I feel like the added expenses (which I know, if I asked, my mom would help, I just don't want to ask, if that makes sense) are wearing on me, when I'm already trying to hold it together when I think about my dad not being there.  Everything from can I let go of my silly dream of what I wanted for wedding favors and go a cheaper route, to do I really have to have that many people to my rehearsal dinner... My dress fit pretty darn good, does it need alterations? Etc.

In the grand scheme of things, we're "ok".  The venue will be paid for, the invitations are already bought, I have a cake, a dress, a DJ, and photographer (thankfully paid for by us already)  How much o people really need expensive favors?  And a crazy rehearsal dinner?  And bunch the next?  Ugh, welcome bags (my whole family is from out of own) and postage!  Silly things that add up.

And then at the end of it all, I'm just sad b/c he won't be there.  I'm glad he at least got to see a picture of me in my wedding dress when it came in, and that he even met and my fiancé got to ask him for permission to marry me etc, it's more then some people get.  I'm just worried that I'll be sad the day of when my brother walks me down the isle instead, or there's no father daughter dance (which I'd picked out songs too etc.)

No real point to this, just sad and stressed, and needed to get it all out there. 

Re: Stressed and sad... with 3 months to go

  • First, I'm really sorry for your loss.  I'm sure it's hard getting married without your dad.

    As for the separate money issue, if you think scaling back on things like favors might help, then by all means, do it.  Because I had to think really, really hard to think of favors I've received from past weddings--it's not like people will miss them. 

    Welcome bags are nice, but not mandatory.  I've been to weddings where I didn't receive a welcome bag, and I still had a great time.

    The rehearsal dinner can be a good place to cut costs, too--even if you don't want to cut the guest list, can you have it somewhere cheaper?  There is nothing wrong with doing pizza, sandwiches, etc. for the rehearsal. 

    Lots of ways to cut costs if the expenses are weighing on you, but most of all, I'm sorry about your father.
  • I'm sorry about your father, but I'm happy that you were able to share some of the wedding planning/relationship memories with him. Maybe you could have your mom escort you down the aisle or do the dance with you - I'm sure she will also be thinking about your father and missing him on that day. You could also make sure that you have some sort of momento of him - carry his picture with you or a piece of his jewelry - have a bouquet or candles for your dad and your FI's parents and other loved ones that may have passed.


    I agree with Heffa re: budget concerns. You listed a lot of (IMHO) unnecessary items that nobody would miss if you cut (welcome bags, fancy favors, brunch, etc.). Scale back where you can - the last thing you want to do is go into debt throwing a party. 
  • I'm very very sorry for your loss. I agree with everything Barbie and Heffa said.
  • I'm sorry for your loss!  Your Dad would want you to enjoy the day to the fullest!  He wouldn't want you focusing on what you don't have, but what you do have.  The same is true for YFI's late parents.  It's 100% natural to feel the way you are!  IMO, it may do your mind good to have a couple sessions with a grief counselor and work trough some of the feelings you're having and what you can choose to do instead that day. 

    As for favors - skip them!  As for bags for OOT guests - skip them!  I've honestly never been to a wedding that had them.  The RD can be whatever you'd like, and doesn't need to be fancy.  There's a lot to be said about a relaxed pizza or pasta dinner.  As for brunch... Honestly, skip it again...  I'm also one who says skip it for the formal gift opening - it's one thing to invite your parents, it's another for everyone to sit around and watch you opening up a toaster..  For us if we hadn't had the big formal thing it'd been a lot easier for sending Thank You notes because we'd have been able to write them instead of "bowl" like the person recording wrote down...  And as for the Father/daughter dance - what about holding a picture or his ring and dancing with your Mom instead (and including FI as well in some way - maybe you both hold something from your respective late parents you cherish and dance together to the song you picked out)?  Or using that song somewhere else in the course of the day.  Things like that are best to talk with your FI, family, and the counselor for because you can come up with a proper way for you to include his memory in the day. 

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