Bridesmaid Decline

jerseykisses

So I'm in the beginning process of asking my bridal party if they would like to be a part of my wedding. My best friend- who I've been friends with for over ten years, we were roommates in college, have vacationed together several times, she has been through her own engagement, marriage, first baby and now second baby on the way. We talk daily and are very close even though she lives a few hours away. Yet, since I've gotten engaged she has had some odd/rude comments (your ring looks expensive why would he waste so much money on it, why are you having a May wedding when it will probably be cold and rainy, etc.) I've just ignored these remarks. Before I even had the chance to ask her to be in my wedding (I was going to do it in a cute way when I go to visit her in the coming weeks - we've discussed it for what seems like forever though - she's even said what dress color she prefers) she approached me via text saying she doesn't know if she can commit to everything that comes with being a BM and would prefer to be a guest. I'm one of those people who plan everything myself anyway and don't have a laundry-list of expectations of the bridal party, so she's very aware that I am not expecting her (or any of my bridal party) to be very involved if they don't want to be, yet she used this as the basis to her decision of not being a BM; I literally just want her as one of my best friends to be by my side in support of me. I expressed that I am hurt she is choosing not to stand with me and am thankful she told me this now versus later. Has anyone dealt with this - am I being too sensitive in feeling like it is a personal jab at our friendship?

arrrghmatey

My best friend since high school lives out of state. She has a 1 year old and another on the way due this summer. When I got engaged, I called her up to tell her the news. Before I could even think of a bridal party, she says "I'm sorry that I won't be able to be a bridesmaid. We probably won't even be able to make it to the wedding!" She will have 20 month old and a 4 month old. I certainly don't blame her for not wanting to make the big trip with two youngsters, and I don't take it personally.

Respect your friend's wishes to just be a guest. She will still be there on your big day. Not everyone wants to be involved in a wedding, and she may have so much going on in her daily life that she does not want the responsibility of being a bridesmaid (even if it just involves buying a dress and being there on the wedding day). And maybe you should get together or call her up to find out how she is doing. Ditch the wedding talk. She may be going through a hard time.

ashley8918

jerseykisses said:

So I'm in the beginning process of asking my bridal party if they would like to be a part of my wedding. My best friend- who I've been friends with for over ten years, we were roommates in college, have vacationed together several times, she has been through her own engagement, marriage, first baby and now second baby on the way. We talk daily and are very close even though she lives a few hours away. Yet, since I've gotten engaged she has had some odd/rude comments (your ring looks expensive why would he waste so much money on it, why are you having a May wedding when it will probably be cold and rainy, etc.) I've just ignored these remarks. Before I even had the chance to ask her to be in my wedding (I was going to do it in a cute way when I go to visit her in the coming weeks - we've discussed it for what seems like forever though - she's even said what dress color she prefers) she approached me via text saying she doesn't know if she can commit to everything that comes with being a BM and would prefer to be a guest. I'm one of those people who plan everything myself anyway and don't have a laundry-list of expectations of the bridal party, so she's very aware that I am not expecting her (or any of my bridal party) to be very involved if they don't want to be, yet she used this as the basis to her decision of not being a BM; I literally just want her as one of my best friends to be by my side in support of me. I expressed that I am hurt she is choosing not to stand with me and am thankful she told me this now versus later. Has anyone dealt with this - am I being too sensitive in feeling like it is a personal jab at our friendship?

I would suggest reaffirming that the bolded and getting a dress are literally your only expectations of her (as they should be), and there is nothing else for her to commit to. That being said, if she still declines, you should let it go. 

levioosa

I am sorry you feel hurt. 

A BMs only "duty" is to show up at the wedding on time, sober, in the dress, and in good spirits.  Reiterate to your BFF that this is all you want.

It hurts to have someone turn you down, but if the friendship is that meaningful, you will move past it. She probably doesn't mean it to be a jab.  I'm still in the process of finding out if I'll even be able to attend my BFF's wedding this fall due to school.  It doesn't mean I love her any less.  School just has to come first.

Not everyone is into weddings.  I was scarred by the last wedding I was in, and honestly I never wanted to be in another wedding again.  Don't take it personally.  Give it a moment, and then reiterate that you just want her standing up besides you.  If she declines, let her know that's okay, and then ask her how everything is going in her life.  Take a day to feel bummed, and then move on.  And make sure to talk about other things than the wedding with her.  We all can get wedding blinders from time to time.

badbnagdway

It's better that she told you now that she doesn't want to be a BM. There could be a lot of reasons. For one, she's currently pregnant, so either she'll be pregnant for your wedding or just have had a baby. Maybe the idea of being dressed up and standing up front is giving her some body issues. I don't know. 

Ultimately, it's possible that she has an idea of what BM's "duties" are and know she doesn't have time for stuff like crafting days. There really are not duties, aside from, show up on-time sober-ish in the correct outfit but it's a pretty common. 

Try not to take it personally and consider that you may have dodged a bullet if she wouldn't have been happy to be a BM. Honestly, it's not my favorite activity either, and I enjoy weddings more when I'm not in the wedding party myself. 

climbingsingle

That sucks. I'm sorry. I would be hurt too. I would also trying discussing it with her again, telling her all she needs to do is get a dress and show up.

jacques27

I can understand feeling disappointed, but it's better this way than her agreeing and feeling resentful later and wanting to drop out - and she's not just wholly rejecting you, she just would prefer to be a guest.  As for her comments, I'm wondering if she's just projecting some of her feelings about her own wedding, like "Gee, wish we hadn't spent so much on a ring and put that money into an educational fund for these two ridiculously expensive kids we have now" and just putting it on you.

Keep in mind:
1) Not everyone loves being a bridesmaid.  Even if you aren't expecting them to do anything except show up to the wedding in the dress - there's still the hassle and expense of the dress, any accessorizing, hair, and, make-up, being in pictures, travel etc.  I did the bridesmaid thing a couple of times - I really would rather be a guest and do my own thing these days.  And she's already done the wedding thing herself.

2) She's a mom with a young child and another one on the way.  So add in traveling with kids for the wedding, juggling two very young kids while doing all of the above.  She's probably exhausted, trying to picture her life when there will be two kids, and feeling overwhelmed at taking on any additional responsibility, as little as that might be.  If the kids got sick and she had to cancel, she's probably feel less guilty canceling at the last minute as a guest than as a bridesmaid.

Also, have to say, this is why I am against "proposing" to bridesmaids in a cutesy way - it's clear now that potential bridesmaid is feeling a little overwhelmed and proposing in a cutesy way adds pressure to the situation where she might feel like she doesn't have a choice but to say yes.  If you want to give it a shot and tell her that you have no other expectations other than get a dress and show up because she means so much to you - say that, but don't do the cutesy thing to add pressure.

southernbelle0915

Ouch! I can understand feeling really hurt. I would reiterate with her that literally your only expectations. Is that she stands next to you on your wedding day. You don't want help with anything, you don't expect her to plan/attend pre-wedding parties. You don't expect her to be available to "talk wedding" all the time. You just want her standing up for you.

If she still declines, you have to respect that. She may have had a bad, BM experience, she may be stressed out with #2 on the way, she may have fallen in hard financial times...don't probe. Just respect her choice.

jerseykisses

Thank you all so much for your advice!! Absolutely helps me to understand and think this through :-)  I do think it may be worth it for one last shot to talk to her again as you all mentioned, and really reiterate my only expectations.. so I'll try that.

ashley8918

jerseykisses said:

Thank you all so much for your advice!! Absolutely helps me to understand and think this through :-)  I do think it may be worth it for one last shot to talk to her again as you all mentioned, and really reiterate my only expectations.. so I'll try that.

Good luck! Hopefully this is just a case of her thinking that you expected her to DIY her little heart out and be your bridal bitch or something.

jerseykisses

Hahaha @ashley8918 - me too!!! Fingers crossed!

saric83

I understand what PPs mean about how she just has to buy a dress, but when she lives hours away from you, that's not necessarily true.  She might be factoring in hotel costs plus all of the optional BM things, not to mention daycare arrangements.  Attending a wedding hours away isn't simple or cheap.

Honestly, if I told a friend I wasn't going to be able to be in their wedding, I would be pretty pissed if she tried to convince me again later.  If I went out of my way to say that, I mean it.  It's not an easy or fun conversation for either of you, but I would tread VERY lightly if you bring it up to her again, or it can come across that you don't care about her feelings and choice. 

jerseykisses

I see what you're saying @saric83 and I would normally agree with you on the traveling expense/factor, except my friend goes on frequent vacations with her husband sans child, so I'm not so sure it's part of her reasoning here.

I suppose I should have also noted that she is originally from the area where I'm having my wedding and has family/friends who live close as well, so if she opted to bring the kiddies along, she would have family nearby for anything she might need.

southernbelle0915

saric83 said:

I understand what PPs mean about how she just has to buy a dress, but when she lives hours away from you, that's not necessarily true.  She might be factoring in hotel costs plus all of the optional BM things, not to mention daycare arrangements.  Attending a wedding hours away isn't simple or cheap.

Honestly, if I told a friend I wasn't going to be able to be in their wedding, I would be pretty pissed if she tried to convince me again later.  If I went out of my way to say that, I mean it.  It's not an easy or fun conversation for either of you, but I would tread VERY lightly if you bring it up to her again, or it can come across that you don't care about her feelings and choice. 

I see what you're saying but Friend asked if she could just attend as a guest. So if she lives far away, she'd be making hotel arrangements and childcare arrangements anyway. The only difference is that as a guest, she sits in the audience. As a BM, she stands up front with the bride. That's why OP is hurt and confused, because it's not that different and so it feels personal - even though Her friend probably doesn't mean it that way.

charcoalandblush

southernbelle0915 said:

saric83 said:

I understand what PPs mean about how she just has to buy a dress, but when she lives hours away from you, that's not necessarily true.  She might be factoring in hotel costs plus all of the optional BM things, not to mention daycare arrangements.  Attending a wedding hours away isn't simple or cheap.

Honestly, if I told a friend I wasn't going to be able to be in their wedding, I would be pretty pissed if she tried to convince me again later.  If I went out of my way to say that, I mean it.  It's not an easy or fun conversation for either of you, but I would tread VERY lightly if you bring it up to her again, or it can come across that you don't care about her feelings and choice. 

I see what you're saying but Friend asked if she could just attend as a guest. So if she lives far away, she'd be making hotel arrangements and childcare arrangements anyway. The only difference is that as a guest, she sits in the audience. As a BM, she stands up front with the bride. That's why OP is hurt and confused, because it's not that different and so it feels personal - even though Her friend probably doesn't mean it that way.

Yeah, I was basically going to say exactly this. By saying that she wanted to attend as a guest, this friend is basically already saying she's willing to incur the hotel and transportation costs, time of attending the wedding, etc. It's not like she said she can't come at all. If she had said that, then I would think that trying to talk her into it would be a bad idea.

Good luck OP!

PrettyGirlLost

jerseykisses said:

Thank you all so much for your advice!! Absolutely helps me to understand and think this through :-)  I do think it may be worth it for one last shot to talk to her again as you all mentioned, and really reiterate my only expectations.. so I'll try that.

And even if she still declines to be a BM, you can still include her on your wedding day by inviting her to spend time with you while you get ready, before the ceremony, etc.

bananasplit472001

Even though we say that a bridesmaids only duty is to buy a dress and be there for the wedding most people do not think of it that way.  I had a similar issue with my cousin who said she just would not have time to dedicate to being a bridesmaid even though I told her she only needed to show up for the wedding day and nothing else.  She also declined her bridesmaid request and is now just a guest.  Sometimes its easier on the bride if you just let it go and respect her wishes to be a guest.  

She may be overwhelmed with her life that she thinks she cannot possibly help you.  This is a thought that I am not personally fond of as I believe no one is too busy to do the things they want to do but it seems like the case here.  

saric83

charcoalandblush said:

southernbelle0915 said:

saric83 said:

I understand what PPs mean about how she just has to buy a dress, but when she lives hours away from you, that's not necessarily true.  She might be factoring in hotel costs plus all of the optional BM things, not to mention daycare arrangements.  Attending a wedding hours away isn't simple or cheap.

Honestly, if I told a friend I wasn't going to be able to be in their wedding, I would be pretty pissed if she tried to convince me again later.  If I went out of my way to say that, I mean it.  It's not an easy or fun conversation for either of you, but I would tread VERY lightly if you bring it up to her again, or it can come across that you don't care about her feelings and choice. 

I see what you're saying but Friend asked if she could just attend as a guest. So if she lives far away, she'd be making hotel arrangements and childcare arrangements anyway. The only difference is that as a guest, she sits in the audience. As a BM, she stands up front with the bride. That's why OP is hurt and confused, because it's not that different and so it feels personal - even though Her friend probably doesn't mean it that way.

Yeah, I was basically going to say exactly this. By saying that she wanted to attend as a guest, this friend is basically already saying she's willing to incur the hotel and transportation costs, time of attending the wedding, etc. It's not like she said she can't come at all. If she had said that, then I would think that trying to talk her into it would be a bad idea.

Good luck OP!

I still disagree.  If she is thinking she needs to be in town for a rehearsal and/or early to get ready for the wedding, that's Friday night for a hotel.  As a guest, it would just be Saturday night or even not at all if they could leave the reception early and drive back home.  And if she's a guest and not in the wedding, childcare wouldn't be necessary (if kiddos are invited), but if she is, it probably would be.  

DH's hometown is four hours away, and whenever he's in a wedding, we stay in town, but if he's not in it, we drive in that morning and leave the reception earlier than otherwise and drive back home.  So that's a potential huge difference in cost.  If she lived in the same town, I would probably feel really differently about it.

Bottom line, none of us know her financial or childcare situation (which could the reason too), but if she's bowing out, talking to her about it again would feel a lot like pressuring someone into it.   

MyNameIsNot

I agree with PP about letting it go. Maybe it's about BM expectations, dress costs, childcare, whatever. Maybe it's something we haven't thought of or is no one's business. Maybe she's uncomfortable with her appearance after having 2 kids and doesn't want to be in that many photos. Maybe she has some emotional issues with it. Maybe it's something totally random and irrational.

The point is, it's really difficult to decline the BM position. To go back and try to change her mind is putting pressure on her unfairly. 

littlepep

PrettyGirlLost said:

jerseykisses said:

Thank you all so much for your advice!! Absolutely helps me to understand and think this through :-)  I do think it may be worth it for one last shot to talk to her again as you all mentioned, and really reiterate my only expectations.. so I'll try that.

And even if she still declines to be a BM, you can still include her on your wedding day by inviting her to spend time with you while you get ready, before the ceremony, etc.

Or you could ask her to do a reading if you want her to be a part of the ceremony. 

jerseykisses

So I opted to further discuss with my BFF when she brought it up again.. I explained my desire to simply have her in a dress on the wedding day and that my FI and I are going to cover the majority of BM expenses so no one stresses financially. And she clarified that she is in a different place in her life and does not have any desire to make the effort to be in a wedding nowadays, regardless of my low expectations. Ouch. At least I know I did all I could.

flantastic

jerseykisses said:

So I opted to further discuss with my BFF when she brought it up again.. I explained my desire to simply have her in a dress on the wedding day and that my FI and I are going to cover the majority of BM expenses so no one stresses financially. And she clarified that she is in a different place in her life and does not have any desire to make the effort to be in a wedding nowadays, regardless of my low expectations. Ouch. At least I know I did all I could.

I do think that stings, and I'm sorry. However, I get what she's saying. I was the first of my friends to get married, so I'd never been a BM before this year, when two of my friends asked me to be in their WP. They're both very considerate and laid-back people. However, I'm already over it. I don't know if it's that I'm pregnant and focused on that, but even picking out the dress (which has only really been a series of emails and questions about possible styles, which I'm getting because they are considerate and want to be sure 2-mo post-partum me is comfortable), and the idea of having to be in early for the rehearsal, aren't super appealing to me. I also know that there'll be a lot of extra stuff for me to do around the wedding, yet I know I still won't get to spend much quality time with the brides.

So if it helps, try to hear where she's coming from on that. I know you wish she would do it for you, but her lack of desire to do it doesn't have anything to do with you.

drunkenwitch

I know it stings, and do have every right to be upset, i also encourage you to "have your sad" (this is something I say to BF when he goes into fix it mode. I tell him I just need to have my sad and then I'll get over it) and try to move on.

I am the same as your BFF, I honestly don't ever want to be in a bridal party again. My experiences were all stressful, expensive and not fun at all. Even though I am still friends with every bride I have stood next to, and I value their friendships, being in their bridal parties was exhausting. None of them were bridezillas, but it was still super stressful. And every bride said "I picked a dress you can wear again!" Never happened, not once.

jerseykisses

Thanks guys! I appreciate all the perspectives! I plan for a living for an entertainment company in NYC so I'm not kidding when I say I will be doing everything with no problem and all she has to do is come in the day of the wedding and stand next to me. I'm 29, have three sisters all close in age so if I need any help they will be there plus FI is pretty hands on. My one matron of honor (sister) just had her own baby and lives 7 hours away, yet didn't decline, fully knowing she can't be as involved but knows it won't bother me one bit. Another BM will be in two other weddings the same year as mine as well as a bride in her own wedding. We all have things going on, it's coming off as selfish to me now and her explanation was actually diminishing a pretty important time in my life. My BFF is always going on vacation without her son, doing things for other people out of state, etc. I'm now noticing her priorities and it definitely makes it feel more personal. So yeah, the sting is a little painful right now. Bring on the wine and ice cream ;-)

pinkcow13

I'm sorry Based on her response, I'm wondering if maybe everything is okay in her personal life? Maybe she is going through something in her life and that is why she feels this way.

I have never been a bridesmaid before, but I have friends who have been. I know that some people get over it and get sick of it, but I would think that for someone who you are so close to, if they are willing to pay for your dress, and aren't demanding of your time, you would suck it up and make the effort. I mean you told her that all she has to do is stand next to you! So I just wonder if maybe there is something going on in her personal life, have you maybe tried to talk to her and see if everything is okay with her?

Or, maybe she just really doesn't want to be in the wedding at all. And that really stings, I get it. I would be upset if I got that response from my best friend. If that is the case, have all the wine and ice cream, but then allow yourself to see the bigger picture. At the end of the day, you'll be married, and that's all that matters, no matter who is or isn't standing beside you.

jerseykisses

I love your last sentence @pinkcow13 - you are SO right!!! Gotta keep my eye on the prize :-)

lovemesomemonster

I'm fully prepared for some backlash on this..

Many of the posts on here are making me feel so dang LUCKY to have the friends I have. I understand that people have lives and your wedding is not the most important thing for them, but if you love them enough to want them to stand by you during this huge event in your life then I would think it would be somewhat important to them. I have seen responses about "I wouldn't wear a dress I didn't like" and "I'm over the weddings and in a different place in my life" and that is a HUGE slap in the face to your friends that you should be very close to. Just because you have had your wedding and been in others doesn't mean that this day isn't a big deal for her. I would fly to the freaking moon and back for my best friend, it wouldn't matter to me if one of us was married with kids, and the other was single, I love her and it's important to her so I would do it for her. 

OP I am so sorry this happened, and yeah, grab some wine and feel free to be a little hurt.. I'm sure your day will be beautiful

jerseykisses

I share the exact same mentality @lovemesomemonster !!! 

redoryx

I've been in multiple bridal parties and I love my friends and family and was happy to stand beside them and they were all pretty laid back brides but let's all be honest: being in a bridal party is a pain in the ass. It's expensive and annoying and while we all here intellectually know all we have to do is show up in the dress, not everybody out there in the big wide world knows that so there is still that pressure to spend more money and attend and plan more events and blah blah blah.

I really am over being in weddings. Luckily, anyone and everyone who would have asked me to stand beside them has already done so but next time someone asks I'm turning them down and I would hope my friend loves and respects me enough to understand it's nothing personal or an attack on them or their relationship or our friendship.

I can understand why you're hurt and you should be allowed to be sad for just a little bit, but if this is your friend do you really want to put her in a position where she has to suck it up to stand next to you? Wouldn't you just rather have her supporting you as a guest if that's where she truly wants to be?

drunkenwitch

I measure my friendships based on the things we do for each other day to day, not based on if they would go through the hassle of being in a wedding party. 

lovemesomemonster

I do agree that it is hassle to be in a wedding party, there is a lot of responsibility even if we all say "just show up in the dress". But by saying to a friend "well I'm at a different place in my life and have been in enough weddings" it's basically telling her "should have jumped on the wedding train earlier, I have moved on". I just can't wrap my mind around saying to a friend, that yeah, all of the other weddings I was in were worth the hassle, but now that I'm beyond that yours isn't. I can understand things like financial reasons, you're in labor and/or just had a baby, or a death in the family making it impossible to be in a wedding but the mentality of "I've done enough of them" is something I can't get on board with. 

Sorry OP, not trying to hijack the thread!