Unknowingly split up family when sending STDs....how to fix

[Deleted User]

So FI and I have decided to only invite guests over the age of 18 to our wedding. 

However, when FI gave me his list for addresses, he did not know that is is improper to split up families. There is a family on his list with an 18 yo daughter who lives at home. When we addressed the STD, we addressed it to Mr. and Mrs. X with Ms. X written below to indicate that the daughter is also invited (don't worry, we plan on sending the 18 yo daughter her own formal invite when the time comes). 

Turns out, this family also has a 10 yo son that I had no idea about until FI brought it up tonight. So basically, we have very obviously excluded the 10 yo by not including him on the STD envelope. FI did not realize that this was a breach of etiquette and I do not blame him, I should have done a better job of explaining it to him while we were compiling our guest list. 

I feel horrible now and am afraid that these people think we deliberately disregarded their son. I would like to send them a note and apologize for the misunderstanding on our end and let them know that their son is absolutely welcome. Would this be appropriate?

What do yall suggest as a solution? I am embarrassed for having demonstrated such poor etiquette and feel badly if any hurt feelings have resulted from this. 

ashley8918

jenandtonic81515 said:

So FI and I have decided to only invite guests over the age of 18 to our wedding. 

However, when FI gave me his list for addresses, he did not know that is is improper to split up families. There is a family on his list with an 18 yo daughter who lives at home. When we addressed the STD, we addressed it to Mr. and Mrs. X with Ms. X written below to indicate that the daughter is also invited (don't worry, we plan on sending the 18 yo daughter her own formal invite when the time comes). 

Turns out, this family also has a 10 yo son that I had no idea about until FI brought it up tonight. So basically, we have very obviously excluded the 10 yo by not including him on the STD envelope. FI did not realize that this was a breach of etiquette and I do not blame him, I should have done a better job of explaining it to him while we were compiling our guest list. 

I feel horrible now and am afraid that these people think we deliberately disregarded their son. I would like to send them a note and apologize for the misunderstanding on our end and let them know that their son is absolutely welcome. Would this be appropriate?

What do yall suggest as a solution? I am embarrassed for having demonstrated such poor etiquette and feel badly if any hurt feelings have resulted from this. 

I don't see a problem with this at all. Even a phone call is probably fine.

Maggie0829

IMO, since you are inviting only adults (18+) then you really aren't splitting up a family.  Just because the girl lives at home she is an adult and is going to be treated as such by receiving her own invite.

Would you feel differently if she were living on her own?  Would you think that you were splitting up a family then?  Same difference.

[Deleted User]

Maggie0829 said:

IMO, since you are inviting only adults (18+) then you really aren't splitting up a family.  Just because the girl lives at home she is an adult and is going to be treated as such by receiving her own invite.

Would you feel differently if she were living on her own?  Would you think that you were splitting up a family then?  Same difference.

That is a good point. I guess I just am concerned that they received the STD in the mail, saw their daughter's name and not their son's and thought that we intentionally disregarded him for whatever reason. I would hate to know that we may have indicated to someone that we arbitrarily excluded one of their kids. I know this can be a touchy subject for some and I don't want to hurt any feelings. 

Maggie0829

jenandtonic81515 said:

Maggie0829 said:

IMO, since you are inviting only adults (18+) then you really aren't splitting up a family.  Just because the girl lives at home she is an adult and is going to be treated as such by receiving her own invite.

Would you feel differently if she were living on her own?  Would you think that you were splitting up a family then?  Same difference.

That is a good point. I guess I just am concerned that they received the STD in the mail, saw their daughter's name and not their son's and thought that we intentionally disregarded him for whatever reason. I would hate to know that we may have indicated to someone that we arbitrarily excluded one of their kids. I know this can be a touchy subject for some and I don't want to hurt any feelings. 

I don't know.  I guess for me if you were to say anything you would just make things even more awkward because you are then telling them who is not invited (which is why we say you shouldn't put "Adults Only" on the invite).  Unless they directly ask you "why is our son not invited?" then I would just leave it alone.

For lurkers, this is why you should send separate STDs to each person being invited regardless if they live in the same residence.  For example, in this circumstance if the 18 year old got her own STD and the parents got their own STD then it would make it a bit more clear as to why the 10 year old son is not included.

lovegood90

I agree with Maggie on this one. It's not like you're inviting the 10 year old anyway because you said you're not inviting anyone under 18. I'd just let it go.

[Deleted User]

Ok, I feel a little better about it now. I will leave it alone unless they bring it up. Thank you for the input! 

How do I mark this as answered? 

Maggie0829

jenandtonic81515 said:

Ok, I feel a little better about it now. I will leave it alone unless they bring it up. Thank you for the input! 

How do I mark this as answered? 

Did you make this post a question?  Like did you select "Ask a Question" when you created the discussion?  If not, then you can't mark it as answered.  And even if you did and you marked it as answered it does not close the thread.

[Deleted User]

Ah ok. Not worried about closing the thread, I have just seen posts marked as answered and I didn't know if that was something that is supposed to be done when you have reached a conclusive resolution to your question. Still learning the ropes! Thanks

Maggie0829

jenandtonic81515 said:

Ah ok. Not worried about closing the thread, I have just seen posts marked as answered and I didn't know if that was something that is supposed to be done when you have reached a conclusive resolution to your question. Still learning the ropes! Thanks

No problem!  Next to the "New Discussion" button there is an arrow that drops down and gives you options of asking a question or making a poll if you want to use that in any upcoming posts.

hyechica81

i think you should still send the invite to the ten year old. i know we had some guest with children some family some friends and we did not want to say invite cousins children and not friends children so we left children off the invites.

i know you wanted to keep it at 18 and over but think about how you would feel if everyone in your family got an invite and you didn't.  i know growing up my parents got invited to many weddings just them and we were ok with it but if they got invited to something and only 2 out of us 4 kids were invited yes we got upset.

Maggie0829

hyechica81 said:

i think you should still send the invite to the ten year old. i know we had some guest with children some family some friends and we did not want to say invite cousins children and not friends children so we left children off the invites.

i know you wanted to keep it at 18 and over but think about how you would feel if everyone in your family got an invite and you didn't.  i know growing up my parents got invited to many weddings just them and we were ok with it but if they got invited to something and only 2 out of us 4 kids were invited yes we got upset.

Sorry, but this is a great opportunity for the kid to realize that when you are young you aren't always allowed to go to everywhere that your adult siblings and/or parents get to go to.

ashley8918

Maggie0829 said:

IMO, since you are inviting only adults (18+) then you really aren't splitting up a family.  Just because the girl lives at home she is an adult and is going to be treated as such by receiving her own invite.

Would you feel differently if she were living on her own?  Would you think that you were splitting up a family then?  Same difference.

Yes, I'd like to add that I agree. I dont think you HAVE to invite the 10 year old. Just thjat if you were going to, a note or call explaining a misunderstanding would be a fine way to go about it, IMO.

But, yeah. You are fine. This isn't really the same as inviting, say, a 15-year-old but not a 6-year-old sibling from one household

ashley8918

hyechica81 said:

i think you should still send the invite to the ten year old. i know we had some guest with children some family some friends and we did not want to say invite cousins children and not friends children so we left children off the invites.

i know you wanted to keep it at 18 and over but think about how you would feel if everyone in your family got an invite and you didn't.  i know growing up my parents got invited to many weddings just them and we were ok with it but if they got invited to something and only 2 out of us 4 kids were invited yes we got upset.

But there is only one "kid" as the other child of this family is actually an adult. So, too fucking bad.

SammiNJonni

hyechica81 said:

i think you should still send the invite to the ten year old. i know we had some guest with children some family some friends and we did not want to say invite cousins children and not friends children so we left children off the invites.

i know you wanted to keep it at 18 and over but think about how you would feel if everyone in your family got an invite and you didn't.  i know growing up my parents got invited to many weddings just them and we were ok with it but if they got invited to something and only 2 out of us 4 kids were invited yes we got upset.

Nope the 10 yr old will have to learn some things are for adults only. OP should not have to invite him because his feelings may get hurt. 

[Deleted User]

Maggie0829 said:

hyechica81 said:

i think you should still send the invite to the ten year old. i know we had some guest with children some family some friends and we did not want to say invite cousins children and not friends children so we left children off the invites.

i know you wanted to keep it at 18 and over but think about how you would feel if everyone in your family got an invite and you didn't.  i know growing up my parents got invited to many weddings just them and we were ok with it but if they got invited to something and only 2 out of us 4 kids were invited yes we got upset.

Sorry, but this is a great opportunity for the kid to realize that when you are young you aren't always allowed to go to everywhere that your adult siblings and/or parents get to go to.

Also, won't a lot of other people who left kids at home be pissed off of this kid gets to be there and not theirs?  Especially if people "closer" to the B&G had to leave their kids at home.  OP said she didn't even know they had another kid, so she at least is obviously not that close to them.

She's an adult, he's not; no worries.

[Deleted User]

FeeleyToBe said:

Maggie0829 said:

hyechica81 said:

i think you should still send the invite to the ten year old. i know we had some guest with children some family some friends and we did not want to say invite cousins children and not friends children so we left children off the invites.

i know you wanted to keep it at 18 and over but think about how you would feel if everyone in your family got an invite and you didn't.  i know growing up my parents got invited to many weddings just them and we were ok with it but if they got invited to something and only 2 out of us 4 kids were invited yes we got upset.

Sorry, but this is a great opportunity for the kid to realize that when you are young you aren't always allowed to go to everywhere that your adult siblings and/or parents get to go to.

Also, won't a lot of other people who left kids at home be pissed off of this kid gets to be there and not theirs?  Especially if people "closer" to the B&G had to leave their kids at home.  OP said she didn't even know they had another kid, so she at least is obviously not that close to them.

She's an adult, he's not; no worries.

Yeah, they are very good friends of FI's parents and we wanted to include them on our guest list at FIL's request. Totally do-able and we are happy to invite them. I have never met them, hence why I had no idea about the younger son, and just don't want to be a crummy host.

The unfortunate thing is that there are quite a few younger kids (of closer friends and family) whom we have not invited, so I am just worried about how it would make them feel. 

Gahhh I am kicking myself for getting FI and I in this situation, but I think I will go with the route of acknowledging that the daughter is 18 and an adult, thus she is getting an invite. I have been such a stickler for etiquette thus far, which is why I am so (overly) upset about this. 

Also, I am PMSing...hence the extra drama 

MyNameIsNot

jenandtonic81515 said:

Yeah, they are very good friends of FI's parents and we wanted to include them on our guest list at FIL's request. Totally do-able and we are happy to invite them. I have never met them, hence why I had no idea about the younger son, and just don't want to be a crummy host.

The unfortunate thing is that there are quite a few younger kids (of closer friends and family) whom we have not invited, so I am just worried about how it would make them feel. 

Gahhh I am kicking myself for getting FI and I in this situation, but I think I will go with the route of acknowledging that the daughter is 18 and an adult, thus she is getting an invite. I have been such a stickler for etiquette thus far, which is why I am so (overly) upset about this. 

Also, I am PMSing...hence the extra drama 

In that case, I don't get why you'd invite the 18 year old either. What's done is done now, but wouldn't it have made the most sense to not invite her at all? It doesn't sound like she has any kind of relationship with the FILs, just her parents. 

[Deleted User]

MyNameIsNot said:

jenandtonic81515 said:

Yeah, they are very good friends of FI's parents and we wanted to include them on our guest list at FIL's request. Totally do-able and we are happy to invite them. I have never met them, hence why I had no idea about the younger son, and just don't want to be a crummy host.

The unfortunate thing is that there are quite a few younger kids (of closer friends and family) whom we have not invited, so I am just worried about how it would make them feel. 

Gahhh I am kicking myself for getting FI and I in this situation, but I think I will go with the route of acknowledging that the daughter is 18 and an adult, thus she is getting an invite. I have been such a stickler for etiquette thus far, which is why I am so (overly) upset about this. 

Also, I am PMSing...hence the extra drama 

In that case, I don't get why you'd invite the 18 year old either. What's done is done now, but wouldn't it have made the most sense to not invite her at all? It doesn't sound like she has any kind of relationship with the FILs, just her parents. 

Yeah....this was the list FI gave me for his side. I didn't think to question it at the time (really should have). I do not know his side super well and really don't know what all of the relations are unless he tells me. I think he was just doing his best to determine who we should invite. Like you said though, what's done is done.