Nevada-Las Vegas

Common courtesy?

edited February 2015 in Nevada-Las Vegas
How do you handle guests who have received a Save The Date but have not acknowledged your wedding AT ALL. Even after you've seen them and/or spoken to them. Also, if you've sent out correspondence (like via Facebook) and still no reply from them. Does that lead you to believe they aren't interested in attending? Should I even bother to send them an invitation?
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Re: Common courtesy?

  • The important thing to remember is really, no one else thinks your wedding is as important as you do. Just because people aren't making a huge deal out of your STDs doesn't mean they aren't excited or don't plan to attend.

    You send an invitation to EVERY PERSON who received an STD and patiently wait for a reply. If your RSVP date comes and goes with no response, you give them a call to see if they are planning to attend.

    Don't count anyone out for lack of enthusiasm - usually people aren't trying to come off rude, they likely just have a lot going on (don't we all!!).
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    wrigleyvillemissbruiserxoeden
  • @tcnoble you are totally right! I don't think I had one guest who was as thrilled as I was about getting married, lol. Most everyone who got my STD said they were in but, later declined when the invite came. Everyone hears Vegas and says"I'm Coming" lol. It is frustrating but, it's just how it goes. *sigh*
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    xoeden
  • jayjaay said:
    @tcnoble you are totally right! I don't think I had one guest who was as thrilled as I was about getting married, lol. Most everyone who got my STD said they were in but, later declined when the invite came. Everyone hears Vegas and says"I'm Coming" lol. It is frustrating but, it's just how it goes. *sigh*
    SO MUCH THIS. We had nearly everyone go on and on about how they were coming - when it came time for RSVPs, most people flaked. And that is just the nature of it! Nobody else will ever be as excited as we are about our own weddings. Just keep that in mind and remember that it IS that important to you! :)
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  • ^^^^ What she said! lol
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    tcnoble
  • I guess I didn't expect them to be thrilled with excitement. IBut some seem as though they are avoiding talking about it. Weird, I know.
  • I agree 100% agree with what everyone is saying, I think it is very awkward for someone to start a conversation about your STD when they aren't sure or definitely know they aren't coming.  I think most people think its rude to tell you to your face they aren't going to your wedding (especially so far in advance) so they just avoid it like the plague, and check the "NO" box on the invitation. It's much easier that way.

  • I guess I didn't expect them to be thrilled with excitement. IBut some seem as though they are avoiding talking about it. Weird, I know.
    Some people aren't as in to weddings as others, or maybe feel they just don't have anything to say about it. I wouldn't read in to this too much.
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  • tcnoble said:
    I guess I didn't expect them to be thrilled with excitement. IBut some seem as though they are avoiding talking about it. Weird, I know.
    Some people aren't as in to weddings as others, or maybe feel they just don't have anything to say about it. I wouldn't read in to this too much.
    ^This.  Plus they may be figuring out if they can make it before allowing themselves to get excited.  I'd want to respond "HEY YEAH CAN'T WAIT" but I probably wouldn't write anything back if I didn't know my plans yet.

    Definitely send them an invitation.
    tcnoble
  • No not weird at all - Totally understand and get it. Believe mw,  you will see people's true colors come out. My best friend could not attended because she couldn't leave her 2 yr old son - Which I TOTALLY understood, was heartbroken but really genuinally understood BUT, she was mad at me because she felt by me deciding to do a destination wedding it was inconsiderate of me! That I excluded her!! Not to mention she was the 1st person I went to Vegas w/ when we were 19 and I said then if I ever got married it be in vegas, 20 years later it finally happened and what I was supposed to change my mind after dreaming about it for 20yrs?? Umm, sorry it was MY wedding, lol
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  • I guess I didn't expect them to be thrilled with excitement. IBut some seem as though they are avoiding talking about it. Weird, I know.
    Don't take it personally, some people don't enjoy weddings, don't like dressing up, don't like traveling, so on and so forth, so they may be completely unenthusiastic on the outside but they're still happy for you.

    For example, I really enjoy kids, and love my daughter, but I've blocked several friends on facebook from my newsfeed who feel the need to post something about their kids every other day; I like them in real life, I hate seeing updates about them all day lol.

    Married old Las Vegas hag groom - June 2011

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    tcnoblejayjaayxoeden
  • wrigleyvillewrigleyville Chicago
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    Is this only one person? Is there a chance they didn't receive it?

  • Maybe they cannot afford the financial commitment to attend? I agree that it's painful to tell someone in person that you aren't going to their wedding, whatever the reason is (maybe they just don't want to go). But if it's for financial reasons it's definitely a touchy subject.

    Or- maybe you (like me) aren't allowing guests, and he/she is upset that you are excluding their latest love interest?

    My very best friend from college completely ignored my save the date and wedding invitation. We have fallen on troubled times but I still wanted her at my wedding. I know she received the STD since it was digital and we could see who had clicked through to the site. I was so hurt that she didn't respond in any way to neither the STD nor the invitation at all, I couldn't bear to reach out like I did with all the other RSVPs we were missing. I think it's just one of those things in life that ebbs and flows- she obviously is still upset with me and has chosen to react this way. Don't get too caught up in all of it- focus on the happiness and the people that WILL be there!
  • Maybe they cannot afford the financial commitment to attend? I agree that it's painful to tell someone in person that you aren't going to their wedding, whatever the reason is (maybe they just don't want to go). But if it's for financial reasons it's definitely a touchy subject.

    Or- maybe you (like me) aren't allowing guests, and he/she is upset that you are excluding their latest love interest?

    My very best friend from college completely ignored my save the date and wedding invitation. We have fallen on troubled times but I still wanted her at my wedding. I know she received the STD since it was digital and we could see who had clicked through to the site. I was so hurt that she didn't respond in any way to neither the STD nor the invitation at all, I couldn't bear to reach out like I did with all the other RSVPs we were missing. I think it's just one of those things in life that ebbs and flows- she obviously is still upset with me and has chosen to react this way. Don't get too caught up in all of it- focus on the happiness and the people that WILL be there!

    If you're doing this please include SOs on the invitations (they aren't necessary on STDs since if Jane dumps Joe before invites go out Joe wouldn't be invited on his own).  It's always inconsiderate to ask someone to celebrate your love while simultaneously dismissing theirs, but especially when they're traveling to do so.
    xoedenwrigleyvilleJCbride2015kmmssg
  • It's several people. And I'm 99% sure they received it. Now that you all have broken it down, I think most of them probably are trying to avoid the awkward conversation because they know they aren't coming. Looking back at everything, these are people who I didn't really expect to come.

    Before I posted this I was talking to my friend who just got married. This just happened to her also (and those guests didn't show up). She thought it was "rude" for someone not to respond when we take the time to include them on our guest list. I initially agreed with her but I guess there are different ways of looking at it!

    Also, I don't think it's necessarily inconsiderate to exclude extra guests if that's what the bride and groom want. Of course you can't leave Jane's boyfriend of 5 years out, but maybe Chris' girlfriend of 3 weeks won't make the cut. Whatever your budget allows.
    xoeden
  • tcnobletcnoble
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    edited February 2015

    It's several people. And I'm 99% sure they received it. Now that you all have broken it down, I think most of them probably are trying to avoid the awkward conversation because they know they aren't coming. Looking back at everything, these are people who I didn't really expect to come.

    Before I posted this I was talking to my friend who just got married. This just happened to her also (and those guests didn't show up). She thought it was "rude" for someone not to respond when we take the time to include them on our guest list. I initially agreed with her but I guess there are different ways of looking at it!

    Also, I don't think it's necessarily inconsiderate to exclude extra guests if that's what the bride and groom want. Of course you can't leave Jane's boyfriend of 5 years out, but maybe Chris' girlfriend of 3 weeks won't make the cut. Whatever your budget allows.

    It isn't your place to determine the seriousness of a relationship - so the length of the relationship shouldn't really come in to play. If Chris didn't have a girlfriend when you invited him, but does now, it is always nice if you have the room and can include her. Someone's boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance isn't really an "extra guest"... they are part of a social unit.

    That being said... It's always a good rule of thumb to allow space in your budget for your single guests to bring a SO, for situations such as Chris being in a newer relationship come invitation time. 

    ETA related to the OP - I do find it annoying/rude when people receive their invitations and can't be bothered to RSVP by the requested date or answer their phones when follow up calls or made... but I don't think it's necessarily rude for them not to call/text/whatever when a STD is received.
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  • Not to totally threadjack this to another topic, but yes of course, we invited everyone that was in a serious relationship to have their guest attend, but we did not give our single guests a +1. I know that goes completely against how some of you feel, but it's not how I feel. I also don't feel that tradition and political correctness should define how I spend a boatload of money and how I wanted to enjoy my wedding day.

    I did not want people at my (small, intimate) wedding I had never met. If that meant that some guests didn't want to attend, then so be it. If we were having a larger wedding, I would have had no problem giving single guests a +1. But, due to our small size of wedding and the nature of the rest of our guest list, I had to make the choice to invite them (no +1) or not invite them at all. I chose to invite them.

    OP - hoping this is of course not your problem!! It sounds like some people just won't be able to attend :( I just don't know if there's a nice way to "reply" to a physical Save the Date unless you happen to be really close with the bride (or groom). In the past I've always waited for the invite to decline, but now having been through it myself, I would ALWAYS let them know as soon as I know. (Also, I will always and forevermore show up to weddings 20 minutes before the invite time! And return RSVPs immediately!!!).
    xoedensasalew
  • I did not want people at my (small, intimate) wedding I had never met. If that meant that some guests didn't want to attend, then so be it. If we were having a larger wedding, I would have had no problem giving single guests a +1. But, due to our small size of wedding and the nature of the rest of our guest list, I had to make the choice to invite them (no +1) or not invite them at all. I chose to invite them.

    I'm with you on this, @faith4keep. It's different if you're planning a larger scale wedding, but smaller ceremonies, I feel like it's OK to be a little more selective.

    OP, I wouldn't stress. There's many reasons to not reply. They might be attempting to schedule their time off of work and don't want to commit one way or another, they might be really bad at using Facebook, they might be trying to organize their financials, or they might be a total space case. Wait until the last day on your RSVP, then reach out. If no reply, ask again in a couple weeks. Then, if still nothing, I'd say assume that they're out and not planning on attending.
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  • wrigleyvillewrigleyville Chicago
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    If a guest is truly single, then no, you are not required to give them a +1.

    We're talking about people who have a boyfriend or girlfriend, no matter how new the relationship is. If they're in a relationship, even if it's "only" three weeks old, then the SO is invited (by name, not as a +1).

    I think that's where people get confused. 

    tcnobleamelishaJCbride2015Gustafson28
  • My point here is that no one is required to invite anyone to their wedding. It is up to the hosts of the event.

    Per @vegasgroom, if you don't agree with it, you don't have to come.
  • annathy03 said:

    If I was in a relationship that had progressed to being exclusive and got a me-only invite to an event where other couples were invited, simply because the host hadn't yet met my significant other, I'd likely decline.  Just my opinion.

    Same, and not only decline, but honestly I'd be pretty offended.

    Having a smaller guest list is irrelevant, but let's say it was: doesn't that say the guests are the MOST important people in your life?  Shouldn't they be treated better than some random cousin at a big wedding?  If I'm important enough to you to be invited to an intimate ceremony that should mean we're pretty damn close, so the B&G saying my relationship isn't important enough to them to invite me with my SO would be downright hurtful.

    If budget is the issue do something lower cost.  I mean these guests are your nearest and dearest who are spending hundreds of dollars or more to come to Vegas to support your marriage, so to turn around and tell them their bf/gf isn't worth a plate to you just blows my mind.
    QFT. 
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  • I didn't realize that only one opinion was allowed here!
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  • adverbadverb
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    edited February 2015
    I'm planning a small intimate Vegas wedding myself and we've already had people ask about +1's. We are budgeting for 20 people, so right now we are saying "not right now".  As the declines come in, we may open it up to some people to bring a +1 to pad out the 20, but we really can't go over that that much because we're doing a reception in-suite and want to limit the number of people without it feeling too crowded.  This is only for the ceremony/reception portion though.

    With that said, people are certainly welcome to bring along their SO to everything BUT the ceremony and reception. I understand people don't want to travel alone. We're not stopping someone from bringing another person to Vegas with them. Just potentially limiting the number of guests in the suite the day of the wedding.
  • Of course multiple opinions are allowed; but I wouldn't recommend taking the risk that your guests share mine (which obviously some people do).  I'm not trying to be argumentative here, I'm telling you if I were your guest I'd be hurt/offended and I assume no one here wants to hurt the people who are important to them.
    adverb said:

    I'm planning a small intimate Vegas wedding myself and we've already had people ask about +1's. We are budgeting for 20 people, so right now we are saying "not right now".  As the declines come in, we may open it up to some people to bring a +1 to pad out the 20, but we really can't go over that that much because we're doing a reception in-suite and want to limit the number of people without it feeling too crowded.  This is only for the ceremony/reception portion though.


    With that said, people are certainly welcome to bring along their SO to everything BUT the ceremony and reception. I understand people don't want to travel alone. We're not stopping someone from bringing another person to Vegas with them. Just potentially limiting the number of guests in the suite the day of the wedding.
    +1 or SO?  Because they're not the same thing.  +1s are for a truly single guest, a SO is a bf/gf/etc.

    If I couldn't bring* my roommate who offered to come to Vegas with me that wouldn't be a big deal, but if I couldn't bring* my SO I'd take that as your cue that my relationship wasn't good enough to make the cut and feel pretty damn shitty about one of my closest friends/family members judging it.

    *I already assumed we were talking about the ceremony/reception/wedding events since (no snark intended) you can't actually stop someone from bringing another person to Vegas with them.
    tcnoble
  • annathy03 said:

    +1 or SO?  Because they're not the same thing.  +1s are for a truly single guest, a SO is a bf/gf/etc.


    See, I have the issue that my single friends want to the bring their aunt/sister/best friend along that I've never met and don't know. I guess the single friends wanting to bring an SO specifically won't happen until we get closer to the date because they don't exist yet.

    And when I meant ceremony/reception events, I don't mind if the person were to bring their +1 to any outside informal events where guests pay their own way (like a meet 'n greet for brunch or something), especially if they traveled with them to Vegas.
  • amelishaamelisha Canadian Texas
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    Yeah, @faith4keep, the idea that someone should come to celebrate your relationship when you can't be bothered to even give theirs a small amount of respect is pretty gross.

    Super tacky, super rude. Budget should never be a reason to treat your guests poorly. There are plenty of ways to stick to a budget and still treat your honoured guests well. Remember, everything you host is intended to thank people for witnessing your wedding. It's not a party in your honour, period.

    OP, sorry for the thread hijack. I just can't with the rampant rudeness running around here. 

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    tcnoble
  • edited February 2015
    Ok, so I totally agree that SOs should be taken into account. When I mentioned the 5years vs. 3 weeks I should have cleaned that up a bit. If my guest was single at the time STDs and invitations were sent out (i.e. Budget was set), then I couldn't guarantee the new SO a space unless there was extra space. Nor would I break neck to find room for he/she. Whereas, a steady couple would definitely be invited.

    However, that would be in a perfect world. I think it's ultimatley the B&G's decision and they shouldn't feel bad about what makes them happy on THEIR day. If a guest disagrees, they can congratulate you from home.


    But I have seen many single guests who want to bring along extra friends (that B&G don't know ) just because they feel like they are entitled to a +1. Now THAT is where it gets tricky for me. I'm just not feeling generous enough to invite random people to my wedding that I'm paying for. Ok, if your SO can't make it last minute and you have to bring a friend to cut costs, that's different. I honesty have guests trying to bring GROUPS of their outside friends to Vegas. But I struggle because I would feel awkward saying "well your friends can join you at the ceremony (because we have more seats) but they can't come to the reception (limited space)." I'm sorry, but I'm NOT down sizing my wedding day for strangers.

  • Ok, so I totally agree that SOs should be taken into account. When I mentioned the 5years vs. 3 weeks I should have cleaned that up a bit. If my guest was single at the time STDs and invitations were sent out (i.e. Budget was set), then I couldn't guarantee the new SO a space unless there was extra space. Whereas, a known couple would definitely be guaranteed a place at the wedding.

    However, that would be in a perfect world. I think it's ultimatley the B&G's decision and they shouldn't feel bad about what makes them happy on THEIR day. If a guest disagrees, they can congratulate you from home.


    But I have seen many single guests who want to bring along extra friends (that B&G don't know ) just because they feel like they are entitled to a +1. Now THAT is where it gets tricky for me. I'm just not feeling generous enough to invite random people to my wedding that I'm paying for. Ok, if your SO can't make it last minute and you have to bring a friend to cut costs, that's different. I honesty have guests trying to bring GROUPS of their outside friends to Vegas. But I struggle because I would feel awkward saying "well your friends can join you at the ceremony (because we have more seats) but they can't come to the reception (limited space)." I'm sorry, but I'm NOT down sizing my wedding day for strangers.

    This is an entirely different scenario. If your guest is TRULY single, they are not entitled to a +1. It is always appreciated if you have room for that. If your guest is in a RELATIONSHIP, regardless of length or how serious you determine it to be, that person should also be invited. 

    The idea that you (general you) would invite a person, knowing they have a SO, but not allow the SO to attend the wedding events is just ludicrous. 
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  • edited February 2015
    The rule for my wedding was: +1s will only be given for spouses or SOs. All children included.

    But that SO needs to be accounted for by the RSVP deadline.... (That's what I'm getting at.)
    tcnoble
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