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"Am I supposed to bring a present?"

I can't with this friend.  I love her to death but she is really socially tone-deaf.  She's also a BM but that isn't really relevant except to say how close we are.

A while ago she texted me out of the blue, Am I supposed to get you a wedding gift?  I said of course not!  I just want you there.  She tells me she wants to paint me something (she's a very talented artist) and I said great, thanks, wonderful.

She's been telling me for months she cannot attend whatever shower I have because she lives four hours away.  No problem.

Today she texted me to ask if she comes to my shower, if she can stay at my house.  I told her of course.  

Then: "Am I supposed to bring a present?"

GIRL, why do you keep asking me if you're supposed to bring a gift for me?  Do you realize how awkward that is?  Because obviously you're "supposed" to bring a gift to a shower but I would never ever tell her that.  I think she just wants to hear me say no to make her feel better.

She did something similar for Christmas.  We visited her in November or something and she texted me, "Just so you know, I will have your Christmas present for you when I see you.  Not that you have to bring me anything.  But just, you know, so you know.  I'll have a present for you."

So anyway... I should just tell her of course she doesn't have to get me a present, right?  Obviously she will probably feel awkward when the whole party is opening presents, but I think that's less horrible than telling her she's supposed to get me a gift.  Either option is awkward.
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"I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

Re: "Am I supposed to bring a present?"

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    I'd stick to the "no, you don't have to!" Unless she'll be super upset if she's the only person from whom you don't receive a gift at your shower....

    Ugh. I honestly don't know. Tell her to Google it. Google may tell her different things.
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    I would say "Usually showers are for the purpose of giving gifts, but you are absolutely not required to give me a gift!" I mean... jeez. 

    I think she might be really embarrassed if you simply tell her not to bring a gift so she doesn't but then EVERYONE ELSE brings you one, but at the same time of course tell her she doesn't have to because no one has to but then... don't go to the shower? 

    Weird. 
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    Is she close with anyone else in the bridal party? Could you ask another bridesmaid to casually bring it up to her and say "Oh of course I'm bringing a gift because you're supposed to bring gifts to a shower!"? That way you don't have to be the one to tell her, and she doesn't end up coming empty-handed to an event where people should bring gifts.
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    Ugh so awkward! I don't even know what to tell you; there's no good answer.

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    Tell her to ask TK, hahaha.

    But, really I don't know. How awkward.
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    Can you dispatch anyone else to step in? Like, if you share a mutual friend, could you say "Hey, Mutual, it seems like BM has a ton of questions about the shower and such but I really don't feel like it's that appropriate for me to tell her what's normal without looking gross. Do you think you could feel her out and see if she has questions about anything and help her out?"

    Or, if it were me: "Duuuuude, I need BM to stop asking me if she needs to bring me a gift. Obviously she doesn't but goddamn is she gonna feel weird when she comes to a shower emptyhanded. Educate that dummy, please!"
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    Unfortunately she isn't close with anyone else in the bridal party so I can't pawn it off. :) Amelisha has good wording, thank you!
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

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    Ugh. That's awkward. I'd probably go with "Of course you don't have to bring a gift. I'll just be happy you're there." Which is what I'm planning to tell one of my BM's if she decides to come with to an OOT shower. But it is a conundrum because you don't want her to feel bad if she doesn't have a gift. 

    I also think if she's socially tone deaf you could consider working that showers are gift giving events into the conversation. And she might not get offended because she doesn't consider it rude. But I don't know how to word that.
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    I'm sorry, but you need to fire her immediately. @lolo883 and I will gladly be your B-List bridesmaids.
    ~*~*~*~*~

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    Tell her you don't want gifts, just cash. 
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    My friend asked me this question as well and I did not know what to say.  She is from Ukraine and did not understand how american weddings work.  I just told her "you just need to show up, if you have any other questions you should as X name of other bridesmaid".  I left it at that and my bridesmaid was able to handle her questions.
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    if she were unfamiliar with some traditions (like if she was from another country) I would understand, but the fact that she has brought it up a few times just seems so odd. I'm sure no one at a shower ever goes through a mental list to see if any other guests didn't bring a gift, so if that's what she is worried about she shouldn't be, but otherwise it makes no sense.
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    kvruns said:
    if she were unfamiliar with some traditions (like if she was from another country) I would understand, but the fact that she has brought it up a few times just seems so odd. I'm sure no one at a shower ever goes through a mental list to see if any other guests didn't bring a gift, so if that's what she is worried about she shouldn't be, but otherwise it makes no sense.
    It does seem odd. If I felt so anxious about whether or not to bring a gift to something, I would err on the side of gift. Done and done.
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    kvruns said:
    if she were unfamiliar with some traditions (like if she was from another country) I would understand, but the fact that she has brought it up a few times just seems so odd. I'm sure no one at a shower ever goes through a mental list to see if any other guests didn't bring a gift, so if that's what she is worried about she shouldn't be, but otherwise it makes no sense.
    It does seem odd. If I felt so anxious about whether or not to bring a gift to something, I would err on the side of gift. Done and done.
    Maybe she could not afford a gift and wanted to know if it was absolutely necessary or if the bride would be upset if she did not give one?
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    kvruns said:

    if she were unfamiliar with some traditions (like if she was from another country) I would understand, but the fact that she has brought it up a few times just seems so odd. I'm sure no one at a shower ever goes through a mental list to see if any other guests didn't bring a gift, so if that's what she is worried about she shouldn't be, but otherwise it makes no sense.

    Yeah. She is just a very direct person and has some issues with social norms. She also has serious anxiety so I think she is very concerned about being the odd one out. It is a little weird that the gifts is the thing she fixates on, though. Awkward!

    I went with Amelisha's "of course not but be aware, others will have gifts-- but it's fine, I just want to see you" and she opted to just visit a different weekend instead. So we will spend time together minus the shower which is just fine with me.

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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

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    edited February 2015
    ... does that mean Cookie and I should return our dresses?

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    ... does that mean Cookie and I should return our dresses?
    Um, no. You still need to wear the appropriate dress in order to be Basket. DUH.
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    littlepep said:
    Tell her you don't want gifts, just cash. 
    This. Better yet, tell her the best gift she could get you is a debt-free return from your Honeymoon and promptly give her a list of activities and excursions that she can buy for you and your FI. 
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    Sounds like you handled it well.  Some people just don't know.  I had a friend at my shower who apologized for not getting me a gift.  She said she didn't realize she was supposed to bring something.  I didn't care and was glad she was there, but she was pretty embarrassed at first.  

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    ... does that mean Cookie and I should return our dresses?

    Don't you remember? We were the house party before (me bringing drinks, you making sure she doesn't get too drunk), so we would have needed those anyway.

    Wait, we still get to be the house party, right?
    ~*~*~*~*~

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    ... does that mean Cookie and I should return our dresses?

    Don't you remember? We were the house party before (me bringing drinks, you making sure she doesn't get too drunk), so we would have needed those anyway.

    Wait, we still get to be the house party, right?
    Only if you throw me the bestest shower ever and come to my bachelorette party weekend in Paris! If you don't help pay for my international airfare, I guess you just don't love me.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

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    Cookie PusherCookie Pusher member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited February 2015

    ... does that mean Cookie and I should return our dresses?

    Don't you remember? We were the house party before (me bringing drinks, you making sure she doesn't get too drunk), so we would have needed those anyway.

    Wait, we still get to be the house party, right?
    Only if you throw me the bestest shower ever and come to my bachelorette party weekend in Paris! If you don't help pay for my international airfare, I guess you just don't love me.
    Don't worry about airfare. I sold everything I own of value and chartered a private jet. Because it's all about YOU! I sold a few internal organs to pay for your shower...
    ~*~*~*~*~

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    ... does that mean Cookie and I should return our dresses?

    Don't you remember? We were the house party before (me bringing drinks, you making sure she doesn't get too drunk), so we would have needed those anyway.

    Wait, we still get to be the house party, right?
    Only if you throw me the bestest shower ever and come to my bachelorette party weekend in Paris! If you don't help pay for my international airfare, I guess you just don't love me.
    Don't worry, I'm eating pancake mix in preparation.
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