"Am I supposed to bring a present?"

JCbride2015

I can't with this friend.  I love her to death but she is really socially tone-deaf.  She's also a BM but that isn't really relevant except to say how close we are.

A while ago she texted me out of the blue, Am I supposed to get you a wedding gift?  I said of course not!  I just want you there.  She tells me she wants to paint me something (she's a very talented artist) and I said great, thanks, wonderful.

She's been telling me for months she cannot attend whatever shower I have because she lives four hours away.  No problem.

Today she texted me to ask if she comes to my shower, if she can stay at my house.  I told her of course.  

Then: "Am I supposed to bring a present?"

GIRL, why do you keep asking me if you're supposed to bring a gift for me?  Do you realize how awkward that is?  Because obviously you're "supposed" to bring a gift to a shower but I would never ever tell her that.  I think she just wants to hear me say no to make her feel better.

She did something similar for Christmas.  We visited her in November or something and she texted me, "Just so you know, I will have your Christmas present for you when I see you.  Not that you have to bring me anything.  But just, you know, so you know.  I'll have a present for you."

So anyway... I should just tell her of course she doesn't have to get me a present, right?  Obviously she will probably feel awkward when the whole party is opening presents, but I think that's less horrible than telling her she's supposed to get me a gift.  Either option is awkward.

hellosweetie1015

I'd stick to the "no, you don't have to!" Unless she'll be super upset if she's the only person from whom you don't receive a gift at your shower....

Ugh. I honestly don't know. Tell her to Google it. Google may tell her different things.

novella1186

I would say "Usually showers are for the purpose of giving gifts, but you are absolutely not required to give me a gift!" I mean... jeez. 

I think she might be really embarrassed if you simply tell her not to bring a gift so she doesn't but then EVERYONE ELSE brings you one, but at the same time of course tell her she doesn't have to because no one has to but then... don't go to the shower? 

Weird. 

Junebug2015

Is she close with anyone else in the bridal party? Could you ask another bridesmaid to casually bring it up to her and say "Oh of course I'm bringing a gift because you're supposed to bring gifts to a shower!"? That way you don't have to be the one to tell her, and she doesn't end up coming empty-handed to an event where people should bring gifts.

theartistformerlyknownas

Ugh so awkward! I don't even know what to tell you; there's no good answer.

ashley8918

Tell her to ask TK, hahaha.

But, really I don't know. How awkward.

holyguacamole79

KatieinBkln

Can you dispatch anyone else to step in? Like, if you share a mutual friend, could you say "Hey, Mutual, it seems like BM has a ton of questions about the shower and such but I really don't feel like it's that appropriate for me to tell her what's normal without looking gross. Do you think you could feel her out and see if she has questions about anything and help her out?"

Or, if it were me: "Duuuuude, I need BM to stop asking me if she needs to bring me a gift. Obviously she doesn't but goddamn is she gonna feel weird when she comes to a shower emptyhanded. Educate that dummy, please!"

amelisha

For someone you're this close to who sounds like she legitimately doesn't know that a shower is traditionally a gift giving occasion,  I'd probably phrase it like "People do bring gifts to this kind of party apparently, but you know I just love you and want you there and I'll be so glad to see you after all this time! As long as I get to hang out with you I'll be happy." 

That way she knows that it's something that people will be bringing gifts to (so she won't feel uncomfortable and unprepared for that) but knows that it's obviously okay with you if she don't want to or can't or whatever. 

JCbride2015

Unfortunately she isn't close with anyone else in the bridal party so I can't pawn it off. Amelisha has good wording, thank you!

AddieCake

You should just start saying yes. 

anjemon

Ugh. That's awkward. I'd probably go with "Of course you don't have to bring a gift. I'll just be happy you're there." Which is what I'm planning to tell one of my BM's if she decides to come with to an OOT shower. But it is a conundrum because you don't want her to feel bad if she doesn't have a gift. 

I also think if she's socially tone deaf you could consider working that showers are gift giving events into the conversation. And she might not get offended because she doesn't consider it rude. But I don't know how to word that.

theartistformerlyknownas

AddieCake said:

You should just start saying yes. 

You could tell her your shower will be illegitimate if she doesn't bring a gift.

Cookie Pusher

I'm sorry, but you need to fire her immediately. @lolo883 and I will gladly be your B-List bridesmaids.

theartistformerlyknownas

Cookie Pusher said:

I'm sorry, but you need to fire her immediately. @lolo883 and I will gladly be your B-List bridesmaids.

I got you a garment steamer.

littlepep

Tell her you don't want gifts, just cash. 

bananasplit472001

My friend asked me this question as well and I did not know what to say.  She is from Ukraine and did not understand how american weddings work.  I just told her "you just need to show up, if you have any other questions you should as X name of other bridesmaid".  I left it at that and my bridesmaid was able to handle her questions.

kvruns

if she were unfamiliar with some traditions (like if she was from another country) I would understand, but the fact that she has brought it up a few times just seems so odd. I'm sure no one at a shower ever goes through a mental list to see if any other guests didn't bring a gift, so if that's what she is worried about she shouldn't be, but otherwise it makes no sense.

KatieinBkln

kvruns said:

if she were unfamiliar with some traditions (like if she was from another country) I would understand, but the fact that she has brought it up a few times just seems so odd. I'm sure no one at a shower ever goes through a mental list to see if any other guests didn't bring a gift, so if that's what she is worried about she shouldn't be, but otherwise it makes no sense.

It does seem odd. If I felt so anxious about whether or not to bring a gift to something, I would err on the side of gift. Done and done.

bananasplit472001

KatieinBkln said:

kvruns said:

if she were unfamiliar with some traditions (like if she was from another country) I would understand, but the fact that she has brought it up a few times just seems so odd. I'm sure no one at a shower ever goes through a mental list to see if any other guests didn't bring a gift, so if that's what she is worried about she shouldn't be, but otherwise it makes no sense.

It does seem odd. If I felt so anxious about whether or not to bring a gift to something, I would err on the side of gift. Done and done.

Maybe she could not afford a gift and wanted to know if it was absolutely necessary or if the bride would be upset if she did not give one?

JCbride2015

kvruns said:

if she were unfamiliar with some traditions (like if she was from another country) I would understand, but the fact that she has brought it up a few times just seems so odd. I'm sure no one at a shower ever goes through a mental list to see if any other guests didn't bring a gift, so if that's what she is worried about she shouldn't be, but otherwise it makes no sense.

Yeah. She is just a very direct person and has some issues with social norms. She also has serious anxiety so I think she is very concerned about being the odd one out. It is a little weird that the gifts is the thing she fixates on, though. Awkward!

I went with Amelisha's "of course not but be aware, others will have gifts-- but it's fine, I just want to see you" and she opted to just visit a different weekend instead. So we will spend time together minus the shower which is just fine with me.

theartistformerlyknownas

... does that mean Cookie and I should return our dresses?

ashley8918

lolo883 said:

... does that mean Cookie and I should return our dresses?

Um, no. You still need to wear the appropriate dress in order to be Basket. DUH.

[Deleted User]

littlepep said:

Tell her you don't want gifts, just cash. 

This. Better yet, tell her the best gift she could get you is a debt-free return from your Honeymoon and promptly give her a list of activities and excursions that she can buy for you and your FI. 

wrigleyville

Tell her to get you a pizza stone.

You can never have enough pizza stones.

(I just realized you may not remember that thread...)

WinstonsGirl

Sounds like you handled it well.  Some people just don't know.  I had a friend at my shower who apologized for not getting me a gift.  She said she didn't realize she was supposed to bring something.  I didn't care and was glad she was there, but she was pretty embarrassed at first.  

Cookie Pusher

lolo883 said:

... does that mean Cookie and I should return our dresses?

Don't you remember? We were the house party before (me bringing drinks, you making sure she doesn't get too drunk), so we would have needed those anyway.

Wait, we still get to be the house party, right?

JCbride2015

Cookie Pusher said:

lolo883 said:

... does that mean Cookie and I should return our dresses?

Don't you remember? We were the house party before (me bringing drinks, you making sure she doesn't get too drunk), so we would have needed those anyway.

Wait, we still get to be the house party, right?

Only if you throw me the bestest shower ever and come to my bachelorette party weekend in Paris! If you don't help pay for my international airfare, I guess you just don't love me.

theartistformerlyknownas

JCbride2015 said:

Cookie Pusher said:

lolo883 said:

... does that mean Cookie and I should return our dresses?

Don't you remember? We were the house party before (me bringing drinks, you making sure she doesn't get too drunk), so we would have needed those anyway.

Wait, we still get to be the house party, right?

Only if you throw me the bestest shower ever and come to my bachelorette party weekend in Paris! If you don't help pay for my international airfare, I guess you just don't love me.

Don't worry, I'm eating pancake mix in preparation.

Cookie Pusher

JCbride2015 said:

Cookie Pusher said:

lolo883 said:

... does that mean Cookie and I should return our dresses?

Don't you remember? We were the house party before (me bringing drinks, you making sure she doesn't get too drunk), so we would have needed those anyway.

Wait, we still get to be the house party, right?

Only if you throw me the bestest shower ever and come to my bachelorette party weekend in Paris! If you don't help pay for my international airfare, I guess you just don't love me.

Don't worry about airfare. I sold everything I own of value and chartered a private jet. Because it's all about YOU! I sold a few internal organs to pay for your shower...

ashley8918

lolo883 said:

JCbride2015 said:

Cookie Pusher said:

lolo883 said:

... does that mean Cookie and I should return our dresses?

Don't you remember? We were the house party before (me bringing drinks, you making sure she doesn't get too drunk), so we would have needed those anyway.

Wait, we still get to be the house party, right?

Only if you throw me the bestest shower ever and come to my bachelorette party weekend in Paris! If you don't help pay for my international airfare, I guess you just don't love me.

Don't worry, I'm eating pancake mix in preparation.