Parents want to be included...

libride2015

Okay, so I apologize now if this is long..

I am not religious at all, my parents really arent either, but we are of Jewish faith. My brother had a barmitzvah after 6 months of in home courses and it wasnt even in a temple, (it was to make my grandparents happy) - just to get a sense of where we are with our religion.

My FI is catholic - his parents practice, he does not. 

In order to keep all the parents happy we have decided to get married by a Rabbi and a Minister (ex Priest, he decided he wanted to get married and have a family). When meeting with both of them we were excited about it and happy that it would make our families happy. 

Now my parents (both Jewish and both paying for the wedding) tell me, that in the Jewish religion and in their wedding, 30 years ago - the parents stand up there with you - and your bridal party and that they expect that to happen with my wedding with mine and my FI's parents.... 

I have never been to a Jewish wedding, so I have never seen this, but my FI and I both feel that they should BOTH walk me down the isle and then sit in the front row. What do I do here? My FI's parents feel uncomfortable that my parents are insisting on this, my parents are saying after everything they are doing for the wedding the least we can do is have them up there - I am not saying I am ungrateful, my parents are a gift, they are two of my absolute best friends, but my FI, myself and his parents do not feel comfortable with this. 

I asked the Rabbi if families do this in mixed ceremonies and he said not often at all. I also talked to my aunt and uncle who are extremely reglious and they said that their parents DID NOT stand up there, but they paid for their own wedding, and because I am not I do not have much of a say?

Is this true? I do not want to come off as snotty and ungreatful, so I am sorry if this post does. I love love love my parents to death, I just dont want them breathing down my neck on my wedding day.

 

Jen4948

Well, it is true that at Jewish weddings parents walk both principals down the aisle, but then yes, they do stand near the huppah. 

But since your wedding is not totally Jewish, it is fair to tell them that this isn't a "Jewish wedding" and regardless of how much they are doing for the wedding, they will have to compromise.  Your compromise, where they both walk you down the aisle and then sit in the front row, sounds fine.

artbyallie

This marriage is not going to be recognized by the Catholic Church, just so you're aware. Not that I think you should have one, since neither of you practices. But why have religion involved at all, since it doesn't sound like it's important to your life together? Doing so just for the parents' sake comes off as kind of fake and potentially offensive. Just have a secular ceremony entirely.

Either way you can just tell you parents you prefer for them to witness the wedding from the front row rather than beside you.

ETA: But since they're paying they can actually pull that card and say they won't if they don't get to do as they like. You should potentially be prepared to pay for your wedding yourselves.

southernbelle0915

I guess you need to decide if this is a battle you want to fight. I probably wouldn't. Especially if they were funding the entire shindig. But you know your family.

Something that might be a nice compromise would be for you to have them both walk you down, sit down in the front row, and then ask them to come up and do a reading together. It sounds like they just want to be involved. Maybe that will get both parties something they want.

MairePoppy

It's your right to plan the kind of ceremony that you want, regardless of who's paying. I don't see the big deal about allowing your parents to stand with you,  but your parents have no right to insist that your FILs stand. If you and fi decide to allow it, then each set of parents should do whatever is comfortable for them. His parents can sit, according to their tradition, yours can stand. By the way, as a Christian, I would have no problem standing at the huppa. I think both sets of parents are being persnickety.

libride2015

artbyallie we do know the marriage will not be recognized by the church and we are okay with that, we were told that if we wanted it to be we can go have a short ceremony in the church my FIs parents belong too after the fact and get it recognized if we wish.

We are getting married by a Rabbi and a Minister because WE want too, and it makes all of our families happy, and also - its interesting to see how the two religions blend together, getting married by a justice of the piece is not an option for us. 

Thank you for your opinion though  

KatWAG

artbyallie we do know the marriage will not be recognized by the church and we are okay with that, we were told that if we wanted it to be we can go have a short ceremony in the church my FIs parents belong too after the fact and get it recognized if we wish.

We are getting married by a Rabbi and a Minister because WE want too, and it makes all of our families happy, and also - its interesting to see how the two religions blend together, getting married by a justice of the piece is not an option for us. 

Thank you for your opinion though  

I think you are getting incorrect information here.

libride2015

KatWAG that is what the priest told my FI parents - we dont wish to get it recognized anyway, so its not an issue. 

artbyallie

It just seems like such a lie though to have your marriage blessed by not one, but two faiths you don't believe in.

ETA: I don't say this to be mean or anything, I just wondered if you were aware of this and how it can be perceived as insulting.

libride2015

artbyallie no one said we don't BELIEVE in our faiths, I said we do not practice them, its not a lie at all.. and no one on either side of our families including aunts and uncles that we have told that know we are not relgious think it is insulting. 

KatWAG

jrothstein101 said:

artbyallie no one said we don't BELIEVE in our faiths, I said we do not practice them, its not a lie at all.. and no one on either side of our families including aunts and uncles that we have told that know we are not relgious think it is insulting. 

 

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Really? Have you asked?

 

And if you have asked,do you think maybe they are telling you what you want to hear to avoid a super awkward conversation?

libride2015

KatWAG no i havent personally asked - they asked us who was marrying us and when we tell them they all tell us that its a really awesome idea, 

And we are both super super close with our families, they would have no problem saying "oh thats weird"....

I didnt come on here to talk about who is marrying me, i appreciate everyones opinion but that wasnt the point of this thread. I am totally set in my ways with who is marrying us. 

Thank you 

jenijoyk

Both my husband and I walked down the aisle with both of our parents and it was lovely. Also, at the end of our vows, there was a place where we had the officiant turn and ask our parents a question, and they each stood up... It went something like: 

Officiant: Susan and Bob, do you promise to support your daughter Jane in her marriage to John, and do you promise to take John as a member of your family?

My parents stand up and say "We do."

Officiant: Becky and Dan, do you promise to support your son John in his marriage to Jane, and do you promise to take Jane as a member of your family?

His parents stand up and say "We do."

Then both sets of parents sit down.