"They're paying so they get a say"

Maggie0829

I just think it is really sad when parents and their children can't compromise on something that is supposed to be a happy occasion for all included.

badbnagdway

Maggie0829 said:

I just think it is really sad when parents and their children can't compromise on something that is supposed to be a happy occasion for all included.

Agreed. Just always glad it's not something I have to deal with personally. 

Maggie0829

badbnagdway said:

Maggie0829 said:

I just think it is really sad when parents and their children can't compromise on something that is supposed to be a happy occasion for all included.

Agreed. Just always glad it's not something I have to deal with personally. 

Me too.

Jen4948

Maggie0829 said:

badbnagdway said:

Maggie0829 said:

I just think it is really sad when parents and their children can't compromise on something that is supposed to be a happy occasion for all included.

Agreed. Just always glad it's not something I have to deal with personally. 

Me too.

I worry that I may have to deal with it personally one day.  My mother is very controlling and I've known her to use manipulation to get what she wants.

Maggie0829

Jen4948 said:

Maggie0829 said:

badbnagdway said:

Maggie0829 said:

I just think it is really sad when parents and their children can't compromise on something that is supposed to be a happy occasion for all included.

Agreed. Just always glad it's not something I have to deal with personally. 

Me too.

I worry that I may have to deal with it personally one day.  My mother is very controlling and I've known her to use manipulation to get what she wants.

But see you already have a jump start with that.  You know how she is so just don't take any money from her.  And make lots of bean dip!

Maggie0829

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

Maggie0829 said:

badbnagdway said:

Maggie0829 said:

I just think it is really sad when parents and their children can't compromise on something that is supposed to be a happy occasion for all included.

Agreed. Just always glad it's not something I have to deal with personally. 

Me too.

I worry that I may have to deal with it personally one day.  My mother is very controlling and I've known her to use manipulation to get what she wants.

But see you already have a jump start with that.  You know how she is so just don't take any money from her.  And make lots of bean dip!

Or plan your entire wedding and then tell her that you are getting married.

Jen4948

Oh, I'm not planning on taking her money.  But even if my FI and I planned and paid for it all without her involvement and told her afterward, I'll get a lot of crap from other people who mean a lot to me about not her not being involved.  Plus she'll grumble about everything I did that didn't suit her.

I've thought about eloping, but it doesn't appeal to me.

thisismynickname2

To the question of reasonable versus not reasonable-

Not reasonable- anything that would make the couple uncomfortable, i.e. Church wedding when the couple isn't religious, a wedding dress the bride doesn't feel is flattering, food the couple is allergic to (???) or morally against (kosher/non, something like foie gras), inviting abusive relatives, etc.

Reasonable: Anything that's non-consequential in the grand scheme of things. If my mom gave me her money but really wanted pink flowers, well, she's the artist and I don't care, so have the pink flowers. 

Really not reasonable: Making demands the couple cannot afford even after the provided financial contribution is given. If you're expecting your neighbors and friends from church to come to your kid's wedding and only giving $1000 and your kid will be in debt accommodating people they don't even know, you're in the wrong. 

Maggie0829

Jen4948 said:

Oh, I'm not planning on taking her money.  But even if my FI and I planned and paid for it all without her involvement and told her afterward, I'll get a lot of crap from other people who mean a lot to me about not her not being involved.  Plus she'll grumble about everything I did that didn't suit her.

I've thought about eloping, but it doesn't appeal to me.

Ooh I hate when people feel the need to get involved in something that does not directly affect them.  I am sorry that your Mom is like that.  I guess when the time comes you will just need a lot of margaritas, lots of bubble baths and lots of meditation.

Jen4948

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

Oh, I'm not planning on taking her money.  But even if my FI and I planned and paid for it all without her involvement and told her afterward, I'll get a lot of crap from other people who mean a lot to me about not her not being involved.  Plus she'll grumble about everything I did that didn't suit her.

I've thought about eloping, but it doesn't appeal to me.

Ooh I hate when people feel the need to get involved in something that does not directly affect them.  I am sorry that your Mom is like that.  I guess when the time comes you will just need a lot of margaritas, lots of bubble baths and lots of meditation.

Truly.  When I was between jobs, my mom felt the need to tell everyone she knew about my unemployment because she and my dad were helping me, so a friend of hers who I didn't even know took it upon herself to give me unsolicited advice about it.  It really annoyed me that my mom thought my finances and employment were her business to gossip about and I told her, "It was none of their business."  She got all defensive about her big mouth instead of shutting up. 

Maggie0829

Jen4948 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

Oh, I'm not planning on taking her money.  But even if my FI and I planned and paid for it all without her involvement and told her afterward, I'll get a lot of crap from other people who mean a lot to me about not her not being involved.  Plus she'll grumble about everything I did that didn't suit her.

I've thought about eloping, but it doesn't appeal to me.

Ooh I hate when people feel the need to get involved in something that does not directly affect them.  I am sorry that your Mom is like that.  I guess when the time comes you will just need a lot of margaritas, lots of bubble baths and lots of meditation.

Truly.  When I was between jobs, my mom felt the need to tell everyone she knew about my unemployment because she and my dad were helping me, so a friend of hers who I didn't even know took it upon herself to give me unsolicited advice about it.  It really annoyed me that my mom thought my finances and employment were her business to gossip about and I told her, "It was none of their business."  She got all defensive about her big mouth instead of shutting up. 

Gah, eww!  I really just don't understand parents like that.  I guess some are like that because their parents were like that. And instead of not doing the same to their children they feel the need to make their kids miserable at times because the same thing happened to them.  Like the whole "well if I had to walk 5 miles up hill in the snow with no shoes to school then you have to as well" kind of mentality.

theartistformerlyknownas

@thisismynickname and @redoryx Yep, bride allergic to shellfish, bride's own mother insisted on serving shrimp. And actually to add insult to injury, the bride's whole family is Jewish. The bride and her mom don't keep kosher, but it made it even weirder that the mom would insist on having shellfish. It's not like she grew up with every family wedding having shrimp, and couldn't imagine a wedding without it. She just thought it looked fancy.

JBee85

I am on the fence with the religion part. My parents said that unless I have a Catholic wedding, they would not pay for it NOR would they attend. Were they in the right then?

falsara

I guess it's harder when the whole wedding is paid for by someone other than the bride and groom, but in reality if you help pay for 1 thing, than you only get a say in that one thing. 

Example:  My mom and dad have offered to help pay half of the ceiling draping for the reception space.  That means that they get a say in what color it is or whether or not it has lights.  They do not have a say in what my centerpieces are unless they offer to help pay for those as well. 

I agree with Kats list, and honestly if someone offers to pay for something B and G better ask questions sooner rather than later so they know what they're are getting into.  If they don't like the strings, then refuse.  

I've gotten really lucky in that when people offered to help my pay for things, they didn't offer till after I had already decided on what I wanted.  Like with my dress, my parents went dress shopping with me, and I was going to pay for my dress myself.  I found my dress, then my parents offered to pay for it, after I picked it.  

thisismynickname2

JBee85 said:

I am on the fence with the religion part. My parents said that unless I have a Catholic wedding, they would not pay for it NOR would they attend. Were they in the right then?

On the one hand, you have parents who may fear your marriage isn't valid without the sacrament. On the other, you shouldn't have a religious ceremony if you don't believe in the religion. Whose convictions are stronger in this case, I wonder. 

There are people who will say fine, I'll pay for it myself- and call the parents' bluff on actually showing up. 

busyizzy83

There are a few bittersweet posts here.  I was a late-in-life baby (my mom was 50), and I lost both of my parents when I was in my early to mid-twenties.  I wish I had the opportunity to argue with them over wedding details  Yet, I also know how frustrating it can be to have someone offer to "help" when what they really want is control. 

I may not have parents, but I do have five older and very protective brothers who want to be involved in my wedding in lieu of my parents.  Early on, I received great advice from a friend.  She said...identify the parts of your wedding that are the most important to you, for which you want 100% control.  You pay for those items.  When the fiancé and family and friends share with you, AND THEY WILL, the areas important to them...by all means, assign tasks and very sweetly and sincerely give your top hopes/wishes in that area.  Then tell them, I know you'll want this to really work with the entire theme, and I feel confident you are going to make the most appropriate choice. 

So far, it has worked like a charm for me.  They want to contribute and make good decisions for the event.  They don't want something they've planned to look tacky or garish or inappropriate or cause difficulty for the bride/groom/attendants/guests.  All of them have listened to my wishes, and some of their ideas have even improved upon mine.

Of course, if you find that someone's idea or contribution totally doesn't work or would make you authentically unhappy, have an honest face-to-face conversation and make a decision. Either let it go and allow them to go for it because what they are giving you is a gift or take back control and pay for it yourself.  Because, really, not even the bride and groom gets their cake and eat it too.

MairePoppy

Jen4948 said:

SITB

We wrote out a check and gave it to my DD and SIL, as their wedding gift from us. Then we watched them plan a wedding that suited their taste. Our check was substantial, but didn't cover the whole wedding. I highly recommend the write out the check as a gift method. That means the parents totally control the amount they are willing to spend, no going over budget, no money fights and the couple gets to plan without interference.  

When I got married, my parents paid for everything and my mother ran the show, not allowing me much input. It was a miserable experience and I didn't want to repeat it with my own daughter.

IMO, if they are paying for the whole shindig, the parents have a say, if they want it, about anything that would affect the budget - venue, menu, type of flowers, number of guests. If the parents are hosting, they couple should be respectful of the fact that whatever they plan will reflect well or poorly on the parents. The parents should remember that it's not their wedding and be respectful of the couples wishes.

No matter how much they're paying, the parents don't get a say in the type of ceremony (religious or civil), selection of the wedding party, the wedding dress or attire for the wedding partIy, colors, themes etc..

You should know what kind of parents you have before you accept their check.

wrigleyville

thisismynickname said:

I am on the fence with the religion part. My parents said that unless I have a Catholic wedding, they would not pay for it NOR would they attend. Were they in the right then?

On the one hand, you have parents who may fear your marriage isn't valid without the sacrament. On the other, you shouldn't have a religious ceremony if you don't believe in the religion. Whose convictions are stronger in this case, I wonder. 

There are people who will say fine, I'll pay for it myself- and call the parents' bluff on actually showing up. 

Count me in that camp. H and I were raised Catholic but no longer belong to the church. It wouldn't have felt proper to have a Catholic wedding no matter how much our parents pushed for it.

My parents were cool with it, as they were on the side of "it wouldn't be right to have a Catholic wedding since you aren't Catholic anymore".

H's father threatened not to come, though, and H basically said, "We'll miss you. Let us know if you change your mind. You're my father, I love you, and I want you there, but I understand that this is between you and your God."

His father called us a week later to apologize and didn't say another word about it.

Now, if he hadn't shown up, we would have been hurt, but we would have gotten over it. I think his dad realized he'd regret it forever if he didn't come.

[Deleted User]

Maggie0829 said:

badbnagdway said:

Maggie0829 said:

I just think it is really sad when parents and their children can't compromise on something that is supposed to be a happy occasion for all included.

Agreed. Just always glad it's not something I have to deal with personally. 

Me too.

Me three.

SP29

@ohannabelle Well you're just being reasonable

@thisismynickname I agree with your descriptions of reasonable/ unreasonable and very unreasonable.

I think any strings fail to connect when it affects personal choices of individuals (ceremony, dress, etc). But when it's a group choice, or inconsequential in the grand scheme, control away (or, B&G decline the money).

I suppose you could have parents who say, "We won't come if you don't have X!". Personally I would decline any offered money at that point and really decide what is more important. Personally, I think it would be "wrong" to have a religious ceremony if one doesn't practice that religion (and I don't know why parents would encourage it). In that case, I think the parents are in the wrong and the B&G need to stand up for what they believe in and call the parents bluff. 

My mom helped us out a bit. She came to most of the vendor appointments and gave opinions, but in the end I got to decide. There were a few things she wanted, that she paid for, and in the end I didn't care about, so let her have it. For example, we had a candy bar and we wanted candy that tasted good and people would actually want, not any candy that was our colour. Well, mom wanted candy to match our colours. We bought a few items, but it was more important to her, she paid for it all, so I let her have it. 

We got married in winter. I wanted a navy trench or pea coat to wear (navy was one of our colours and I wanted something I could wear again). My mom thought that was all wrong, that I needed a white coat. One day she sent me a link of a white coat and said, "I bought this for you". Sometimes I think, "Why'd I let her push me into a getting a coat I didn't exactly want?" (I mean, the coat is great, it's just white and stains easily so I can't wear it as often as I would like, lest I get it dry cleaned every 2 weeks). Oh yeah, because she paid for it and I didn't have to . 

SammiNJonni

KatWAG said:

Jen4948 said:

This line comes up a lot when parents and others who are contributing financially don't agree with the plans.

I wonder: is there anything that they don't get a say in even if they are paying?

• whether religion is part of your ceremony
• who is in your wedding party.
• colors
• who you are marrying
• registries

This plus what the bride, groom, and wedding party wears. Set a budget if they are covering those costs but they should not have final say on those. 

Anything that they do not spend money on... they can have a say in the band/dj but the couple gets to choose their own songs. 

If at any time the parents become unreasonable and make demands and threaten to pull their money the couple should decline the money and plan the wedding they can afford. 

redoryx

thisismynickname said:

I am on the fence with the religion part. My parents said that unless I have a Catholic wedding, they would not pay for it NOR would they attend. Were they in the right then?

On the one hand, you have parents who may fear your marriage isn't valid without the sacrament. On the other, you shouldn't have a religious ceremony if you don't believe in the religion. Whose convictions are stronger in this case, I wonder. 

There are people who will say fine, I'll pay for it myself- and call the parents' bluff on actually showing up. 

Yup, that's where I am. I was raised Lutheran, but my parents know that I don't practice or follow those beliefs anymore and I would hope they wouldn't try and push a church wedding on me but if they tried I'd be more than happy to call their bluff. (I'm also in my early 30s and fully anticipate paying for my own wedding anyway, but if they offered money and it came with those strings I'd decline the offer). 

That being said, I also agree that if you don't actually believe in the church and religion, it seems disingenuous to get married there.

KatieinBkln

I'm with Maggie--thanking my stars that my parents are as generous of heart as they are of purse. I've never worried they'll suddenly deny things because they don't like our choices.

Personally, I don't think it's a gift if it comes with strings. The only thing a parents should put their foot down about are things that violate etiquette, and to me that's not so much a "string" as it is a host ensuring that her party isn't tacky (I know paying doesn't always equal hosting, but I guess I think that if parents are paying for the whole wedding, they will probably want to take responsibility for the etiquette and feel that the party is a reflection on them).

"I will give you X if you do Y" feels so horribly unloving to me. If you feel like giving something, give it freely. If you don't, don't offer. But using a potential gifts as a tool to coerce someone into behaving a way you prefer is just shitty.

kaitlynmichelle

FIL hinted multiple times he would cover all of the wedding costs if we had the wedding at the family cottage back in ON. We politely declined as we wanted our wedding in the Rockies. He multiple times insisted he would pay for things and never did, so I'm glad I listened to advice I had seen here and was prepared to pay for it all myself. He did end up paying for the dinner the night of our wedding, which was very generous.

I'm glad we didn't accept money with strings attached. I had arguments from both parents about season choice, venue, my dress, you name it. Someone had a better idea. I ignored them all and now 5 months after the wedding they are all still raving about the beautiful simplicity and fun day I planned. Had I accepted the money from the beginning, I would have had a very different wedding! It was worth it to wait longer to get married to be able to pay for it with no debt and have the details be what H and I wanted.

lovesclimbing

Maggie0829 said:

I just think it is really sad when parents and their children can't compromise on something that is supposed to be a happy occasion for all included.

---------

Me too. I find it incredibly sad to read threads where people are complaining about ridiculous strings the parents have put on their contributions.

My parents paid for most of our wedding. We paid for our attire, the venue (a church, so about $300), the invitations and that's about it as I recall. It was a cake and punch reception, so I don't know exactly how much the wedding cost, but probably around a few thousand - not an expensive wedding but certainly a generous contribution still. H's parents hosted the rehearsal dinner.

My parents had no strings. My mom said calla lillies would be pretty, but they are expensive and I don't think they're a very pretty flower and my mom was fine with that. She also recommended using balloons in the decor and I said no to that, and she was fine. If I remember correctly, she even told me that it was our wedding, not hers.

The one thing my mom wanted that I didn't want was a certain couple I don't like at the wedding. But they lived close by so they could come, they'd known me and my family since before I was born, and they'd be hurt if they weren't invited. I knew all that so I didn't push back very hard on that one.

And like all the ladies say on here, you say hi in the receiving line and then won't see them again for the rest of the reception, and that's exactly what happened.

[Deleted User]

MairePoppy said:

SITB

We wrote out a check and gave it to my DD and SIL, as their wedding gift from us. Then we watched them plan a wedding that suited their taste. Our check was substantial, but didn't cover the whole wedding. I highly recommend the write out the check as a gift method. That means the parents totally control the amount they are willing to spend, no going over budget, no money fights and the couple gets to plan without interference.  

When I got married, my parents paid for everything and my mother ran the show, not allowing me much input. It was a miserable experience and I didn't want to repeat it with my own daughter.

IMO, if they are paying for the whole shindig, the parents have a say, if they want it, about anything that would affect the budget - venue, menu, type of flowers, number of guests. If the parents are hosting, they couple should be respectful of the fact that whatever they plan will reflect well or poorly on the parents. The parents should remember that it's not their wedding and be respectful of the couples wishes.

No matter how much they're paying, the parents don't get a say in the type of ceremony (religious or civil), selection of the wedding party, the wedding dress or attire for the wedding partIy, colors, themes etc..

You should know what kind of parents you have before you accept their check.

BOXES BOXES BOXES

To the bolded: this happened to my mother, and it has definitely colored how she's dealt with each of her children getting married (Full disclosure: I'm NEY, but both my sisters are married and my brother is getting married in December).  At one point, one of my sisters expressed regret that she wasn't going to be able to wear my mom's dress (didn't fit), and Mom just said..."Why?  I hated that thing."  Her mother dictated a high-necked, long-sleeved dress; Mom wanted off-the-shoulder.  33 years later and it still comes up every time someone we know gets married.

If someone is paying, I think they should get a say in how their money is spent...number of guests, who gets invited, menu, DJ or band.  I don't think they should get a say in the type of ceremony, especially whether or not it's religious.  I'm a soon-to-be convert to Catholicism and my SO is Catholic, but all of my family is Protestant.  If my parents said to me, "I'm sorry, but you can't have a Catholic wedding because we're paying for it," I would be really upset.  I'm Catholic; marriage is a sacrament, and observing the sacraments is a key part of my faith.  The type of ceremony you have is intrinsic to who you are as a couple; it signifies the beginning of your new married life together, and I don't think you should compromise on it...even if that means turning down a contribution from your family.  Like pretty much everybody else on these boards, I'm not a big fan of the "But it's OUR day, and only ours!" way of thinking, but I feel like the ceremony is one place where that sort of thinking is okay.

Weddings make people crazy.  The fact that it can drive a wedge between parents and children just blows my mind.

ETF: Boxes, ugh!

southernbelle0915

Jen, I missed that you are engaged. I'm sorry! Congratulations!! 

Anyway, I'm sorry you're dreading dealing with your mom. Thankfully from hanging around here, you know how to handle things. Honestly, I would plan the majority of stuff without her. Pick a couple of things you don't feel very strongly about (maybe flowers, linens, cake, ceremony decor, etc.) and ask her if she wants to be involved there. Then no one can say you didn't involve her but you get the things you really care about. 

Jen4948

southernbelle0915 said:

Jen, I missed that you are engaged. I'm sorry! Congratulations!! 

Anyway, I'm sorry you're dreading dealing with your mom. Thankfully from hanging around here, you know how to handle things. Honestly, I would plan the majority of stuff without her. Pick a couple of things you don't feel very strongly about (maybe flowers, linens, cake, ceremony decor, etc.) and ask her if she wants to be involved there. Then no one can say you didn't involve her but you get the things you really care about. 

I'm actually not engaged. I came close, but last year, my then BF and I broke up (amicably) when I had to move from NYC to Houston for financial reasons.

When it comes to my mom, the problem isn't me planning without her involvement, but that she can't be trusted not to make plans and talk to others without my involvement and then having it sprung on me along with a martyr act, which I then have to shut down along with all her "I/They are just trying to be nice, so just smile and go along with it" crap.

southernbelle0915

Jen4948 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

Jen, I missed that you are engaged. I'm sorry! Congratulations!! 

Anyway, I'm sorry you're dreading dealing with your mom. Thankfully from hanging around here, you know how to handle things. Honestly, I would plan the majority of stuff without her. Pick a couple of things you don't feel very strongly about (maybe flowers, linens, cake, ceremony decor, etc.) and ask her if she wants to be involved there. Then no one can say you didn't involve her but you get the things you really care about. 

I'm actually not engaged. I came close, but last year, my then BF and I broke up (amicably) when I had to move from NYC to Houston for financial reasons.

When it comes to my mom, the problem isn't me planning without her involvement, but that she can't be trusted not to make plans and talk to others without my involvement and then having it sprung on me along with a martyr act, which I then have to shut down along with all her "I/They are just trying to be nice, so just smile and go along with it" crap.

I remember the break up and the move. Above you said "FI", but I think I mistook it for actual FI versus "this is what I'll do when" - my bad. 

Yea, I can see how that would be really frustrating and kind of a mind fuck to navigate.