Wedding Etiquette Forum

Groom's Parents Not Giving Us Answers

So, my parents are willing to pay for the entire wedding (within their modest budget). They do not *need* monetary help, but it would certainly make the whole process easier.It might also help us get the band that we want.
My parents feel that the groom's parents should at least pay for the rehearsal dinner, engagement party, officiant's fee, and tuxes... but they would like some sort of extra contribution for their guests or for the flowers or band or something. So far, they have offered nothing. Not for even the rabbi or the rehearsal dinner. Nothing. Nothing at all. My parents and I are hosting the engagement party. 
The grooms parents are not poor. They are just as well of as my parents if not more so. My fiance has already spoken to his parents about their contribution, but they have not given him an answer. They keep saying they need to think about it, that they want to be involved in planning, and that they don't want to talk money with us. BUT, they've spoken to my parents several times, and have not volunteered anything. My fiance says maybe they want my parents to ask them for money... but my parents are embarrassed to ask, as am I. My fiance has asked several times, and still nothing. As of tonight they said "we need more time to discuss this." We are several months into planning, and have appointments with vendors, but can't sign anything because we don't know what we can afford yet.  They are putting our planning on hold, and I can't help but take this personally. Like they don't like me or the wedding I am planning with their ONLY child. Should I talk to them? Let it go and assume they're giving nothing? I am so hurt and upset. I always thought that it would be possible that they wouldn't pay for anything beyond the minimum expected of them... but I didn't actually think that they wouldn't offer anything. Help?

Re: Groom's Parents Not Giving Us Answers

  • It is very nice that your parents want to contribute to your wedding. Your fiances parents are under no obligation to contribute if they do not want to. You're both adults and its your wedding if there is something you want that your parents can't afford how about you pick up the bill for that instead of going to your fiances parents for money. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I stopped reading two lines in because however you spin it, the answer is the same. 

    No one is entitled to have their wedding paid for, so put on your big girl panties and pay for it yourself. Oh, and thank your parents profusely since they don't need to contribute at all. If you're adult enough to get married, you're adult enough to pay for it. 
  • You need to tell your parents that they're out of line to expect your FI'S parents to contribute to their itemized expenses.
  • You should not expect nor ask anyone to contribute. If they offer, great. If not, they are not doing anything wrong.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • As for them making demands, I suggest you and your parents get used to saying "We'll keep that in mind..." and then just go about your business planning what you want and can afford.

    They can make all the "demands" they want.  It doesn't mean you have to do it (or even answer your phone to listen to it if you have caller ID).  It sucks that they haven't yet learned that you don't make demands of other people and you don't get to decide how other people spend their money.  If they want a small, Glatt Kosher party, they can take their money and throw themselves a nice vow renewal or something.

    Smile, nod your head, then change the subject and let the demands just roll off your back.

  • Thank you for taking the advice so well!  Around these boards you will hear a lot of people say, "If they pay, they get a say"  well, the opposite is true too.  Your FILs can make all the demands they want but because they are not footing the bill, you can ignore them.  

    Maybe your FI can sit down and have a conversation with them, something along the lines of "Mom and Dad, Madampince and I are so excited that you are enthusiastic and opinionated about our wedding.  We both have put a lot of thought into this and have a lot of ideas of how we see the wedding going.  We hope you both can respect that we are adults and will be planning our wedding together.  We appreciate the input you have given us and hope that as the day approaches, you will be able to see our vision come to life."  Then when they offer you or your parents opinions or advice, just say "We will take that into consideration."
  • ^OK. I am stealing that! Well said! Thank you so much! *breathes*. :) 
  • edited February 2015

    Your FILs aren't putting your plans on hold. You are.

     Your Parents VOLUNTARY Contribution + Your Contibution + Fi's Contribution = Your Total Wedding Budget.

    If you want more money to get that band, have a tag sale, work extra hours, get a temporary part time job, babysit, mow lawns, walk dogs, haul junk, deliver news papers. No one, but you and fi, are responsible for paying for your wedding.

    Since your FILs aren't contributing, there's no need to consult them. So commence planning.

                       
  • Have your FI tell his parents, "We are going to plan the wedding with the funds we have available and are assuming you are not contributing financially. That said, as neither we nor madampince's parents can grant unfunded demands, we are no longer willing to entertain them. That means that unless you pay for anything that you insist be provided, it won't be."
  • I just wanted to say I'm in the exact same boat so I feel for you and really appreciate you asking about this :)
  • edenisleedenisle member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited March 2015
    I guess the best news about this is that you don't have to honor any of their demands.  Have the wedding that you and your FI envision.  And congrats on having such supportive parents.  Mine are also helping us out, which is much appreciated, even though they aren't required to.

    Our wedding is being held in the city to which FI and I just moved, so it will be "destination" for many of the guests.  My FMIL has already suggested that on top of the rehearsal dinner, we (meaning my FI and I, not her) host a dinner at our home, two days before the wedding, for her and the rest of my future-family to be.  I'm not sure how I feel about this as a) FI has a VERY large immediate family and our townhouse is a small two-bedroom and b). two days before the wedding is going to be a very busy time for both me and my fiance.  Even if I decide not to cook the dinner myself, we would still have to order in, or take them out, which costs money.  And if I did have them at the house, I'm going to be worried about making it spotlessly clean for guests.  (When really, all I should be worried about are ensuring the details of our big day are flawless, right?)  Not to mention, I'm making a lot of the decor for the wedding, so my house is going to be full of boxes to be taken to the reception venue the next day.  Not really sure how I'm going to handle this...but I guess it just comes with the territory.

    Good luck with wedding planning!

    *Edited for grammar.
  • edenisle said:

    I guess the best news about this is that you don't have to honor any of their demands.  Have the wedding that you and your FI envision.  And congrats on having such supportive parents.  Mine our also helped us out, which is much appreciated, even though they aren't required to.

    Our wedding is being held in the city to which FI and I just moved, so it will be "destination" for many of the guests.  My FMIL has already suggested that on top of the rehearsal dinner, we (meaning my FI and I, not her) host a dinner at our home, two days before the wedding, for her and the rest of my future-family to be.  I'm not sure how I feel about this as a) FI has a VERY large immediate family and our townhouse is a small two-bedroom and b). two days before the wedding is going to be a very busy time for both me and my fiance.  Even if I decide not to cook the dinner myself, we would still have to order in, or take them out, which costs money.  And if I did have them at the house, I'm going to be worried about making it spotlessly clean for guests.  (When really, all I should be worried about are ensuring the details of our big day are flawless, right?)  Not to mention, I'm making a lot of the decor for the wedding, so my house is going to be full of boxes to be taken to the reception venue the next day.  Not really sure how I'm going to handle this...but I guess it just comes with the territory.

    Good luck with wedding planning!

    Yeah, that's ridiculous. I'd have your Fi deal with her and tell her something like, "unfortunately we won't be available to host anyone." No need to give any further details than that

    Formerly martha1818

    image


  • edenisle said:

    I guess the best news about this is that you don't have to honor any of their demands.  Have the wedding that you and your FI envision.  And congrats on having such supportive parents.  Mine our also helped us out, which is much appreciated, even though they aren't required to.

    Our wedding is being held in the city to which FI and I just moved, so it will be "destination" for many of the guests.  My FMIL has already suggested that on top of the rehearsal dinner, we (meaning my FI and I, not her) host a dinner at our home, two days before the wedding, for her and the rest of my future-family to be.  I'm not sure how I feel about this as a) FI has a VERY large immediate family and our townhouse is a small two-bedroom and b). two days before the wedding is going to be a very busy time for both me and my fiance.  Even if I decide not to cook the dinner myself, we would still have to order in, or take them out, which costs money.  And if I did have them at the house, I'm going to be worried about making it spotlessly clean for guests.  (When really, all I should be worried about are ensuring the details of our big day are flawless, right?)  Not to mention, I'm making a lot of the decor for the wedding, so my house is going to be full of boxes to be taken to the reception venue the next day.  Not really sure how I'm going to handle this...but I guess it just comes with the territory.

    Good luck with wedding planning!

    I'd have your FI tell his mother, "Mom, that's not a possibility so it isn't going to happen." Nothing else needs to be "handled" about it.
  • If they are making so many demands this early in the planning then I strongly advise against accepting any money from them at all. I will bet my favorite hat that it will come with more strings than a kite festival.

    Yes, this. As already mentioned, FI's parents have no obligation to pay for anything in regards to your wedding. But, they also do not get to dictate the details of the wedding because they are not contributing financially (as discussed recently on another thread, she who pays gets a say). The only thing OP needs to do is to tactfully and respectfully deal with the myriad suggestions. "We'll look into that as an option" and "We'll consider that idea, but it may not be in the budget" are good phrases to use, followed up with, "have you tried the bean dip?".
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