Breakup Advice

lacqueredlover

So as most of you know, 3 weeks ago my fiance ended our engagement and relationship.  For the most part, I've been doing ok, keeping busy, trying new things, I even crocheted an entire blanket.

I'm having a particularly hard day today.  Woke up at 5 am reaching out for a snuggle and it just hit me that I don't have it anymore and basically have been crying ever since.  Special shout out to the nice old lady on the subway who gave me a tissue.

So, what's the best breakup advice you ever got?  What's the best way you handled it when you got sad?

NowIAmSyp

Ugh, I'm sorry...  

Other posters have said it before, but in your whole story, this really struck me:  his first instinct when times get tough should NOT be to run away!  When times get tough, you burrow down together and hold on tight- not run away...  And if that's his first instinct, well, then you just might be better off.

Another piece of advice?  If he left- then he's not the one for you.  I know it must seem crazy to think that, but he's not.  The one for you is coming...  just keep busy and do you in the meantime.  And get that doggie!!  

novella1186

Some advice that helped me: 

1. Getting over a breakup is a process, because it's a loss. You have to go through the grieving process and take it one day at a time. Some days will be better than others. Some days you'll feel better, and then have a set-back. That's ok. Feel sad. Cry. Have a Sad Day. Then try again tomorrow. 

2. There is someone way more amazing out there who is dying to meet, and has been waiting for you. 

3. Love yourself. Samantha puts it quite eloquently: 

4. Treat yourself to guilty pleasures; trashy tv, funny movies, junk food, shopping 

5. Working out really hard and physically pushing myself always helped, as well as reading a book to keep my mind occupied

6. Get excited about what the future has in store for you now, because the possibilities are endless and so many good things are going to happen to you. 

7. Keep making progress one day at a time, because a ship sailing backwards never sees the sunrise (Denise says that on the Cosby show) 

8. This quote:

And sorry for the cliches, but they have always really helped me to keep going. And in the spirit of that, I will add just one more quote that is my most favorite in the world, so I've posted it on these boards many times, because it has gotten me through some serious shit: 

If you are going through hell, keep going

-Winston Churchill 

maeday2

I hate crying in public. So sorry.  

I think you're handling this in a very healthy way. You're staying active and keeping yourself busy. 

Keep your positive thoughts going. Soon you'll have this to snuggle! 

ashley8918

novella1186 said:

Some advice that helped me: 

1. Getting over a breakup is a process, because it's a loss. You have to go through the grieving process and take it one day at a time. Some days will be better than others. Some days you'll feel better, and then have a set-back. That's ok. Feel sad. Cry. Have a Sad Day. Then try again tomorrow. 

2. There is someone way more amazing out there who is dying to meet, and has been waiting for you. 

3. Love yourself. Samantha puts it quite eloquently: 

4. Treat yourself to guilty pleasures; trashy tv, funny movies, junk food, shopping 

5. Working out really hard and physically pushing myself always helped, as well as reading a book to keep my mind occupied

6. Get excited about what the future has in store for you now, because the possibilities are endless and so many good things are going to happen to you. 

7. Keep making progress one day at a time, because a ship sailing backwards never sees the sunrise (Denise says that on the Cosby show) 

8. This quote:

And sorry for the cliches, but they have always really helped me to keep going. And in the spirit of that, I will add just one more quote that is my most favorite in the world, so I've posted it on these boards many times, because it has gotten me through some serious shit: 

If you are going through hell, keep going

-Winston Churchill 

Pretend I said all of this.

And also, I love you, and we all love you.

ashley8918

maeday2 said:

I hate crying in public. So sorry.  

I think you're handling this in a very healthy way. You're staying active and keeping yourself busy. 

Keep your positive thoughts going. Soon you'll have this to snuggle! 

THAT PUPPY WINKED AT ME OMFG GIMME NOW.

lacqueredlover

Yeah I know all the "he wasn't right" and "he ran away" and I've been doing really well.  Just get so sad sometimes.  Blah.

As soon as I get back from New Orleans in the end of the month I'm on the hunt for the doggie!  Just right now I'm so blah

PrettyGirlLost

I don't have anything I can say to make you feel better, but I sincerely hope that you start to feel better soon, and I'm sorry you are in a shitty place.

doeydo

"Breakups are hard. Even when you know it wasn't right, it's still such an awful feeling. And you thought - at some point, if not necessarily recently - that you were going to be with him forever, which I know makes it even harder. I'm so sorry you're having to go through it... Then do something that makes you happy. Find something you enjoy. Go out with friends and do that thing. I suggest avoiding any habit-forming substances, because picking up a bad habit in an unhappy time makes it that much harder to break it later... Take some time to be you. You guys had been together for a long time, right? ... I'm not saying that's what you should [be single for a long time], but being alone, and being an adult and learning all about YOU without another human in the picture all the time, is a fantastic thing. 

And remember this above EVERYTHING else: a relationship ending doesn't reflect on you. Your worth, lovability, and existence are not contingent upon your relationship status. If you and ex-SO aren't compatible, that says exactly zero about you as a person. Being incompatible with one person does not make you incompatible with all people....

It will get better. I promise. It's hard, and it's not going to be a fast recovery, but it's recoverable. You can do it! And you WILL find someone who is absolutely perfect for you... Keep your head up! You're a strong, independent, beautiful young lady with a long life chock-full of happiness ahead of you."  from an amazing lady here on TK (I don't think I can say who, as that is against TOS since it was in a PM?).

And here is another one from another fantastic Knottie: "I truly believe that one day you will look back and realize the reason that this needed to be this way and why it was a good thing. But I know that this is the fucking shitty... My best advice is to just focus on you. And focus on each minute at a time. One day you will be able to focus on hours at a time and then days at a time and then weeks at a time. Just please take care of yourself. And please keep your support system around."

lacqueredlover

ashley8918 said:

novella1186 said:

Some advice that helped me: 

1. Getting over a breakup is a process, because it's a loss. You have to go through the grieving process and take it one day at a time. Some days will be better than others. Some days you'll feel better, and then have a set-back. That's ok. Feel sad. Cry. Have a Sad Day. Then try again tomorrow. 

2. There is someone way more amazing out there who is dying to meet, and has been waiting for you. 

3. Love yourself. Samantha puts it quite eloquently: 

4. Treat yourself to guilty pleasures; trashy tv, funny movies, junk food, shopping 

5. Working out really hard and physically pushing myself always helped, as well as reading a book to keep my mind occupied

6. Get excited about what the future has in store for you now, because the possibilities are endless and so many good things are going to happen to you. 

7. Keep making progress one day at a time, because a ship sailing backwards never sees the sunrise (Denise says that on the Cosby show) 

8. This quote:

And sorry for the cliches, but they have always really helped me to keep going. And in the spirit of that, I will add just one more quote that is my most favorite in the world, so I've posted it on these boards many times, because it has gotten me through some serious shit: 

If you are going through hell, keep going

-Winston Churchill 

Pretend I said all of this.

And also, I love you, and we all love you.

Thanks guys.  It's all true.  I just am so not a crier and I hate that I have been like half crying since 5 am.  I just wanted to play my candy crush in peace on the train and was crying instead.  And I have to take a crochet break because my left hand is killing me!!!

I'm going back to soul cycle tonight so hopefully that will help, can just work it out.

lacqueredlover

ashley8918 said:

maeday2 said:

I hate crying in public. So sorry.  

I think you're handling this in a very healthy way. You're staying active and keeping yourself busy. 

Keep your positive thoughts going. Soon you'll have this to snuggle! 

THAT PUPPY WINKED AT ME OMFG GIMME NOW.

See I want that puppy in my bed right now

[Deleted User]

Love all of novella's advice! 

Sometimes a long, hard, ugly cry is super therapeutic, especially if you're not normally the type to let it out that way!

Keeping your mind and body busy is really helpful, so keep doing what you're doing.  Taking on new challenges, volunteer or pick up new hobbies can also give you a lot of energy and something else to focus on.  Do things that you wouldn't have had the time to do or maybe your ex wouldn't have been interested in.

There'll still be those times you go to do something that reminds you that you're single... however those things aren't specific to that one person.  You will do all those things and more when you end up with the right guy!

Hugs!

theartistformerlyknownas

Doesn't really apply to this particular situation, but whenever I went through a breakup I always changed my ringtone and text tone. Whether I associated that noise with excitement that the guy I loved was calling, or anxiety that a text fight was continuing, it helped a lot to get rid of those triggers.

Also...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGNYeO4os2A

It's OK to be sad, even if he was a shitween and you're better off without him. Your life has changed dramatically, and it's gonna hit you once in a while, even if it's just wanting a snuggle or needing someone to open a tight pickle jar. But gradually, that will go away. So hang in there.

KatieinBkln

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. 

Ditto Novella on letting yourself have a Sad Day. Be really, really nice to yourself. Be even nicer to yourself than you think you should be, for longer than you think is necessary. My sister got divorced last year under shitty circumstances, and I think one of the hardest things for her was being taken by surprise by her emotions, and kind of hijacked by them--like, she'd find herself missing him fiercely, but not really the him who exists in reality (that him is a shithead) but rather her memory of him, and how he used to be. 

What has worked for her is all the things you're doing--focusing on herself, working out, reading, getting a dog, traveling, seeing friends, etc. Having things to look forward to is huge, so keep on planning cool and fun things for yourself. Get that dog! (Seriously, her dog has been probably more helpful to her than her therapist).

Speaking of, if you feel really shitty, don't hesitate seeing a professional--even a few "grief counseling"-type sessions might help. You may not need to go that route, but know it's totally "legit" and available to you.

Also wanted to add that you're probably on the right track with crocheting--after my hardest breakup, I was working as a lifeguard, and something about the perfect level of distraction and time to think (making sure the kiddos don't drown requires a certain amount of focus, but not ALL your focus) was really useful for working through my feelings without wallowing in them. I have a feeling crocheting is the same kind of thing--automatic enough to let your mind work, even in an "underground," subliminal way, but also distracting enough that it will pull you out of a Sadness Spiral because you have to focus sometimes.

We love you--keep on keepin' on, and don't be embarrassed when FeelingsFlood comes after you. 

Hit me up if you want to do a boxing/spinning class, too! I will brave SoulCycle's cultlike intensity for a Knottie in need.

blabla89

First of all, let yourself grieve. It is a process, and it will get better with time. Remember that your self-worth and your ability to enjoy life are not determined by a relationship or lack thereof. When I've gone through times of feeling down, I've found that daily affirmations really help. Practice some affirmations that you can say to yourself to redirect your attention to the positive, to the good things about yourself and the good things that are coming in the future, and know that they are true.

Sending you lots of hugs and wine and good vibes for the doggie search.

climbingsingle

Everyone has already given great advice. I'm sorry you're having a crappy day. Breakups are the worst. For me, it always felt better to know I had to grieve. Give yourself as much time as you need to get over it. Cry, yell, scream, feel all of it. In my experience, the sooner I did all of that, the easier it was to accept and move on. 

southernbelle0915

I fucking hate the phrase "everything happens for a reason". Super cliche and annoying when you're going through hell.

But someone expanded on it for me once when I was nursing a broken heart. The basic message was that it was better for the break up to happen when it did than for me to invest even more of my life when the same thing probably would have happened down the line. And the stakes would have been a lot higher - possible divorce and kids...

My friend tried to get me to realize that, even though it didn't feel like it then, I was actually better off. It took me way too long to heed that advice, but she was totally, 100% right.

kaitlynmichelle

I'm so glad to see an update from you. Even though you are still hurting, I'm glad you are moving forward. I always wonder when knotties post about big hardships and then we never see them again.

Keep yourself busy is the advice I'd also give. That's awesome you made a blanket! That is no small feat. I knit and I find it both distracting and a stress reliever. Teach yourself new and more challenging patterns! I've made some awesome things from trying to distract myself from being down. Exercise also makes me feel great when I'm down.

The ringtone change is a great idea. Your mind will associate the sounds you had for him so a change is a good thing.

Don't be ashamed to cry it out some days. You've been through a lot, and while it will get better over time, you need to grieve the loss of that part of your life while also setting off on the new path you are on. Wherever that may take you.

And puppies. They rock.

lacqueredlover

I'm just so not a crier and today I can't control it.  I'm just like teary eyed and super sad.  I'm not even wearing makeup (the horror!)

I just want to fast forward like 6 months.  This sucks.  I miss him, I miss the kids, it's not even like I can hate him because he's a great guy who just couldn't handle his life at the moment so it makes me mad that I can't hate him.

holyguacamole79

For me, I focus on the kind lady on the subway.  And just keep reminding yourself that this, too, shall pass.  Also, think about where you are emotionally now versus where you were immediately after the breakup.  You've come a long way, I'm sure.  So congratulate yourself on that.

Also, for the times that you're angry, "Die Hard" works wonders.

flutteringinfl

I'm so sorry. Breakups are always tough and even if you know he was a jerk it doesn't make it easier. You definitely need to let yourself feel sad. It's really okay. Keeping busy is great too, of course, if you're up for it. I ended a big relationship five years ago and it really helped to spend time with friends and find fun and interesting things to do.

onefootinthebayou

novella1186 said:

Some advice that helped me: 

1. Getting over a breakup is a process, because it's a loss. You have to go through the grieving process and take it one day at a time. Some days will be better than others. Some days you'll feel better, and then have a set-back. That's ok. Feel sad. Cry. Have a Sad Day. Then try again tomorrow. 

2. There is someone way more amazing out there who is dying to meet, and has been waiting for you. 

3. Love yourself. Samantha puts it quite eloquently: 

4. Treat yourself to guilty pleasures; trashy tv, funny movies, junk food, shopping 

5. Working out really hard and physically pushing myself always helped, as well as reading a book to keep my mind occupied

6. Get excited about what the future has in store for you now, because the possibilities are endless and so many good things are going to happen to you. 

7. Keep making progress one day at a time, because a ship sailing backwards never sees the sunrise (Denise says that on the Cosby show) 

8. This quote:

And sorry for the cliches, but they have always really helped me to keep going. And in the spirit of that, I will add just one more quote that is my most favorite in the world, so I've posted it on these boards many times, because it has gotten me through some serious shit: 

If you are going through hell, keep going

-Winston Churchill 

All of this.

When I went through a particularly horrific break-up, as a grown woman I cried on my dad's shoulder.  He comforted me and said "It's OK".  The second I finished crying he said, "Alright, that's enough now.  Move on."  I guess it helps to know my dad - kind, loving, and emotional but tough as hell, driven, and competitive.  That spirit of moving forward inspired me to make sure every day I felt a little better and wouldn't allow myself to backslide, even if I had to force the thoughts of the ex out of my head by thinking of something else.

I mentioned in a previous post I went to Nicaragua on a surf trip.  I came back having had an incredible experience and new memories that further helped force the ex out of my mind.  That may not be practical but I know you have that upcoming trip to New Orleans to look forward to and I PROMISE you, that city has a magical effect on people.  The sky at night in New Orleans can be absolutely breathtaking.  

I'm going to PM you a few of my favorite haunts and even a few friendly industry people to seek out for a great meal and an expertly mixed cocktail.  I even have a sweet single guy in mind if you're ready for a little flirting I was just there last week with my mom and we were out until 3am having fun and making new friends.  

Your story broke my heart when I first read it and the way you are handling it, despite moments of sadness, is the epitome of grace and class.  You are an inspiration to me in terms of how to face adversity head on in a productive way as I'm sure you are to countless others on here and IRL who are reading and not commenting.  I'm traveling for work this week but keep an eye out for a PM from me on some local-approved Nola advice  

Keep your chin up and move forward, you have a lot of people pulling for you!

redoryx

The biggest piece of advice I can give is: it's okay to not be okay. I think sometimes we always try so hard to appear strong and often that takes far more energy than just breaking down and crying the shit out of it. Seriously, just go for the ugly howling cry and let it all out.

Also, journal. I find it's very therapeutic to put my feelings down and GET THEM OUT OF ME.

Finally, don't be afraid to get outside help. I've seen counselors after break-ups and having somebody to talk to who isn't a friend or family member and has no real stake in the situation is helpful. I did it through my work Employee Assistant Program -- they covered a certain amount of free sessions so see if that's an option for you.

climbingsingle

lacqueredlover said:

I'm just so not a crier and today I can't control it.  I'm just like teary eyed and super sad.  I'm not even wearing makeup (the horror!)

I just want to fast forward like 6 months.  This sucks.  I miss him, I miss the kids, it's not even like I can hate him because he's a great guy who just couldn't handle his life at the moment so it makes me mad that I can't hate him.

See, I think you can be mad at him. What he did to you was fucking shitty. Life got very hard, and he closed himself off from you and then left you. Fuck him. 

lacqueredlover

I made this though so that was pretty cool:

flutteringinfl

climbingwife said:

lacqueredlover said:

I'm just so not a crier and today I can't control it.  I'm just like teary eyed and super sad.  I'm not even wearing makeup (the horror!)

I just want to fast forward like 6 months.  This sucks.  I miss him, I miss the kids, it's not even like I can hate him because he's a great guy who just couldn't handle his life at the moment so it makes me mad that I can't hate him.

See, I think you can be mad at him. What he did to you was fucking shitty. Life got very hard, and he closed himself off from you and then left you. Fuck him. 

This. You have every right to be angry with him. If you don't want to waste your energy on hatred, I understand. I think that's different from anger, because it's more permanent. But he was shitty not just to you, but to his kids who had bonded with you. He behaved like a child when he was perfectly capable of acting like an adult. Not cool.

lacqueredlover

onefootinthebayou said:

novella1186 said:

Some advice that helped me: 

1. Getting over a breakup is a process, because it's a loss. You have to go through the grieving process and take it one day at a time. Some days will be better than others. Some days you'll feel better, and then have a set-back. That's ok. Feel sad. Cry. Have a Sad Day. Then try again tomorrow. 

2. There is someone way more amazing out there who is dying to meet, and has been waiting for you. 

3. Love yourself. Samantha puts it quite eloquently: 

4. Treat yourself to guilty pleasures; trashy tv, funny movies, junk food, shopping 

5. Working out really hard and physically pushing myself always helped, as well as reading a book to keep my mind occupied

6. Get excited about what the future has in store for you now, because the possibilities are endless and so many good things are going to happen to you. 

7. Keep making progress one day at a time, because a ship sailing backwards never sees the sunrise (Denise says that on the Cosby show) 

8. This quote:

And sorry for the cliches, but they have always really helped me to keep going. And in the spirit of that, I will add just one more quote that is my most favorite in the world, so I've posted it on these boards many times, because it has gotten me through some serious shit: 

If you are going through hell, keep going

-Winston Churchill 

All of this.

When I went through a particularly horrific break-up, as a grown woman I cried on my dad's shoulder.  He comforted me and said "It's OK".  The second I finished crying he said, "Alright, that's enough now.  Move on."  I guess it helps to know my dad - kind, loving, and emotional but tough as hell, driven, and competitive.  That spirit of moving forward inspired me to make sure every day I felt a little better and wouldn't allow myself to backslide, even if I had to force the thoughts of the ex out of my head by thinking of something else.

I mentioned in a previous post I went to Nicaragua on a surf trip.  I came back having had an incredible experience and new memories that further helped force the ex out of my mind.  That may not be practical but I know you have that upcoming trip to New Orleans to look forward to and I PROMISE you, that city has a magical effect on people.  The sky at night in New Orleans can be absolutely breathtaking.  

I'm going to PM you a few of my favorite haunts and even a few friendly industry people to seek out for a great meal and an expertly mixed cocktail.  I even have a sweet single guy in mind if you're ready for a little flirting I was just there last week with my mom and we were out until 3am having fun and making new friends.  

Your story broke my heart when I first read it and the way you are handling it, despite moments of sadness, is the epitome of grace and class.  You are an inspiration to me in terms of how to face adversity head on in a productive way as I'm sure you are to countless others on here and IRL who are reading and not commenting.  I'm traveling for work this week but keep an eye out for a PM from me on some local-approved Nola advice  

Keep your chin up and move forward, you have a lot of people pulling for you!

Haha well I"m going to New Orleans on a bachelorette party but I heard we are going to a brunch with drag queens so I"m happy

lacqueredlover

flutteringinfl said:

climbingwife said:

lacqueredlover said:

I'm just so not a crier and today I can't control it.  I'm just like teary eyed and super sad.  I'm not even wearing makeup (the horror!)

I just want to fast forward like 6 months.  This sucks.  I miss him, I miss the kids, it's not even like I can hate him because he's a great guy who just couldn't handle his life at the moment so it makes me mad that I can't hate him.

See, I think you can be mad at him. What he did to you was fucking shitty. Life got very hard, and he closed himself off from you and then left you. Fuck him. 

This. You have every right to be angry with him. If you don't want to waste your energy on hatred, I understand. I think that's different from anger, because it's more permanent. But he was shitty not just to you, but to his kids who had bonded with you. He behaved like a child when he was perfectly capable of acting like an adult. Not cool.

Oh I"m mad at him, don't get me wrong.  I just can't hate him.  And I definitely am mad like 70% off the time.  Today is just one of those 30% super sad days

mikenberger

climbingwife said:

lacqueredlover said:

I'm just so not a crier and today I can't control it.  I'm just like teary eyed and super sad.  I'm not even wearing makeup (the horror!)

I just want to fast forward like 6 months.  This sucks.  I miss him, I miss the kids, it's not even like I can hate him because he's a great guy who just couldn't handle his life at the moment so it makes me mad that I can't hate him.

See, I think you can be mad at him. What he did to you was fucking shitty. Life got very hard, and he closed himself off from you and then left you. Fuck him. 

I totally agree you can be mad at him. I feel like the end of a relationship, you need to mourn that loss. And what's a stage of mourning? Anger. You need to move through all the stages before you'll be.... okay? Right as rain? Better? I don't know what the correct terminology in here, but mourning the loss of the kids, him and you two together, is perfectly normal. You can be mad. You can be angry. You can be irrational. It's all okay. We all have our own processes. My process was always to change anything that could possibly remind me of him. So the ring tones/notifications, that was me. Making sure I took off the dates I had put in the calendar for reminding, that too. And then I just kept busy. I would allow myself to be sad one hour out of the day, then I had to do something else. I couldn't sit around and wallow like a pig in shit. But sometimes, just allowing yourself to be sad/angry/whatever is how you feel better. There's no wrong way to grieve.

Good luck!  

[Deleted User]

When my first fiancé and I broke up, I just kept super busy.  I was working out a lot.  Hang out with friends or family whenever you get a chance and feel up to it.  And if you have to cry, cry.  Eventually you'll just run out of tears and not give a crap anymore.

larrygaga

I've never been through a break-up, but it's considered grieving! I always think that's interesting, most people don't realize that you lost something so huge that you have to grieve. 

I recommend being as self-indulgent as possible while waiting it out. You;ll feel better with time and realize that he is not the man for you!

I would not be surprised at all if he came crawling back apologizing. Do you have a plan for that, or have you thought about what you will say to him? You don't want to be caught off guard, I think.