Question about a bar mitzvah

climbingsingle

We're invited to my H's step-sister's son's bar mitzvah. For a little background, my MIL married step-sister's father when H and step-sister were adults. They did not grow up together. We're not super close with them, but my MIL is. (Step-sister's father passed away a few years ago). 

We received the invite yesterday. The services are at their temple on Saturday as expected. But the party is the day after, Sunday. Any bar/bat mitzvah I've attended had all of this on one day. So on Saturday we're expected to be at temple from 9am to 1pm. And then Sunday, the party is 12pm to 5pm. Do we really have to attend both? Is it OK to skip temple and just go to the party? 

Maggie0829

I have never been to a bar mitzvah, but I will compare this to someone who is having their wedding ceremony on Saturday but the party on Sunday.  I think it is rude to take up an entire weekend for one event.  So I would go on which ever day works best for you.

novella1186

Honestly, when we were kids we dreaded the temple service.  For my sister it was cuz she sucked at reading from the Torah. For me, I was terrified of speaking in front of all those people (which is funny cuz now I love public speaking). We had no idea who was or was not in attendance for the service. What mattered to us was the party. 

I doubt the kid will notice or care if you skip the service and show up for the party. I'm sure that's a horrible, blasphemous thing to say, but let's be real here. 

climbingsingle

@novella1186 I was hoping you'd weigh in! 

So it's good that Sam won't notice. But what about Sam's parents? Do you think they'll take offense? 

novella1186

climbingwife said:

@novella1186 I was hoping you'd weigh in! 

So it's good that Sam won't notice. But what about Sam's parents? Do you think they'll take offense? 

My parents HATED going to temple. They knew it was long and boring. They did not take offense that other people didn't want to sit through that. 

To just come to the party for celebrating and congratulating their kid was awesome. 

I can't say everyone has the same mindset, but I also can't remember a single member of our temple who DIDN'T acknowledge how boring it was to sit through a long service. 

ETA: I also think it depends on the sect they belong to. We were liberal Reform Jews, so the bat mitzvah was more for tradition than religion. Stricter Jews probably care far more about the sanctity of the ceremony, and it's more about that than the party. So there's that... 

climbingsingle

novella1186 said:

climbingwife said:

@novella1186 I was hoping you'd weigh in! 

So it's good that Sam won't notice. But what about Sam's parents? Do you think they'll take offense? 

My parents HATED going to temple. They knew it was long and boring. They did not take offense that other people didn't want to sit through that. 

To just come to the party for celebrating and congratulating their kid was awesome. 

I can't say everyone has the same mindset, but I also can't remember a single member of our temple who DIDN'T acknowledge how boring it was to sit through a long service. 

ETA: I also think it depends on the sect they belong to. We were liberal Reform Jews, so the bat mitzvah was more for tradition than religion. Stricter Jews probably care far more about the sanctity of the ceremony, and it's more about that than the party. So there's that... 

Can you tell by the temple what sect? 

lovegood90

I'm not Jewish so apologies if this is actually offensive, but I would also treat this like a wedding if they had their ceremony and receptions on different days. I would probably only go to one event, because IMO it's unreasonable and rude to ask that much time of people/wait that long to host people.

novella1186

climbingwife said:

novella1186 said:

climbingwife said:

@novella1186 I was hoping you'd weigh in! 

So it's good that Sam won't notice. But what about Sam's parents? Do you think they'll take offense? 

My parents HATED going to temple. They knew it was long and boring. They did not take offense that other people didn't want to sit through that. 

To just come to the party for celebrating and congratulating their kid was awesome. 

I can't say everyone has the same mindset, but I also can't remember a single member of our temple who DIDN'T acknowledge how boring it was to sit through a long service. 

ETA: I also think it depends on the sect they belong to. We were liberal Reform Jews, so the bat mitzvah was more for tradition than religion. Stricter Jews probably care far more about the sanctity of the ceremony, and it's more about that than the party. So there's that... 

Can you tell by the temple what sect? 

They might mention something about it on their website (our temple has a site and mentions Reform) but other than that... I have no idea 

climbingsingle

novella1186 said:

climbingwife said:

novella1186 said:

climbingwife said:

@novella1186 I was hoping you'd weigh in! 

So it's good that Sam won't notice. But what about Sam's parents? Do you think they'll take offense? 

My parents HATED going to temple. They knew it was long and boring. They did not take offense that other people didn't want to sit through that. 

To just come to the party for celebrating and congratulating their kid was awesome. 

I can't say everyone has the same mindset, but I also can't remember a single member of our temple who DIDN'T acknowledge how boring it was to sit through a long service. 

ETA: I also think it depends on the sect they belong to. We were liberal Reform Jews, so the bat mitzvah was more for tradition than religion. Stricter Jews probably care far more about the sanctity of the ceremony, and it's more about that than the party. So there's that... 

Can you tell by the temple what sect? 

They might mention something about it on their website (our temple has a site and mentions Reform) but other than that... I have no idea 

Ok, thanks!! 

southernbelle0915

I would probably go to both if I thought people would be offended by me skipping the service. 

But most of the Jewish families I'm friends with roll their eyes about how boring it is and joke about how they would skip it if Grandma wouldn't notice. Know your crowd on that, I think. 

If you decide to skip it, I'd just let the parents know in advance that you have a conflict but will be there Sunday. If they're anything like the people I know, they'd be cool about it and just say "see you Sunday!"

novella1186

For what it's worth, my Jewish grandma wrote in her will that we were forbidden to give her a funeral service because it would be too boring. 

dcbride86

I've never heard of this, and I probably went to a bar/bat mitzvah every weekend during the 7th grade.  Most bar/bat mitzvahs had gaps so the parties would be at night (and so Shabbat would be over so you could use electricity and stuff), but they were all on the same day.

My mom did get annoyed that some people only went to the party, but I certainly didn't care.  And with them being on different days, I think you could probably get a pass on going to both.  But I would also let H make this call, or ask his mother a question that kind of dances around it to feel out whether they expect everyone to go to both.

lacqueredlover

My service was on a Friday night and my reception was Saturday night.

I would go to both because it's a (sort of) family connection, annoying as it might be.