XP: Addressing invites with nicknames

lavenderfields13

I'm sure this has been asked a million times, but what's the general consensus on addressing guest invites with their nicknames?

Mr. and Mrs. Jim Smith

Mrs. and Mrs. Tom Brown

No one ever calls these guys "James" or "Thomas" so it doesn't feel right addressing them like that. Our wedding isn't super formal either. Is it OK to do this? Am I overthinking this?

 ______________________

So I posted this on E and I don't really know why. I know proper etiquette is full name on invites. Guess I was looking for for opinion rather than what's "proper". If you were to get an invite like this would you side eye it? IDK, it just feels wrong addressing people by a name no one calls them. Tell me if I'm being ridiculous and if I should definitely just use full names.

[Deleted User]

I wouldn't side-eye it, but it might depend on 1) the level of formality you're going for, and 2) professional titles.  For example, my Granddaddy Jim always goes by Jim, but his real name is James, and he goes by that professionally, so he gets mail addressed to James.  But, Mr. H goes by his middle name, so if we got an invite addressed to his full name, we would be a little weirded out because seriously NOBODY ever calls him that.

That said, if you're going for super formal, full names all the way.

KeptInStitches

I addressed some with nicknames, especially since I'm not going for super-formal.

CSTK1910

I think it's ok to be more informal if that's what you are going for, but in that case I would just do "Jim and Katie Smith." It seems like a weird mixture of formalities to use a nickname in a "Mr. and Mrs. Hisnameonly Lastname" format. 

Swazzle

So, I followed etiquette and addressed mine with full names, or what I assumed were full names. My Aunt Kim's invitation was addressed as Mrs. Kimberly Smith. Well, my Aunt's name isn't actually Kimberly. It's just "Kim" and I had no idea. I did the same thing with a great aunt. I figured Cassie was short for Cassandra and when her invitation was delivered she was really confused as to who Cassandra was. This could obviously be just me being an idiot but it seemed like a no-brainer to me when I was addressing. 

I would say this is a know-your-crowd situation. 

lavenderfields13

@Swazzle that made me LOL. I just picture Aunt Cassie like who the hell is Cassandra??

I was only planning on using the nicknames for FI's close friends who he would NEVER call Thomas, James, William, etc. I don't think those guys will care.

For aunts, uncles, etc we're just going to use the proper names. 

I just wanted to make sure no one would think it was a big deal. It's not like we're having a black tie event or anything. 

lavenderfields13

CSTK1910 said:

I think it's ok to be more informal if that's what you are going for, but in that case I would just do "Jim and Katie Smith." It seems like a weird mixture of formalities to use a nickname in a "Mr. and Mrs. Hisnameonly Lastname" format. 

and now this has me wondering if I should mix formal and informal?

These are the stupid things I worry about. No one is probably even going to remember once they open the envelope!

cu97tiger

I don't think it is wrong to use the name you are used to calling them, as long as it is typically what everyone calls them. For example, I wouldn't say 'Mr & Mrs Red HisLastName' if his name is Robert and everyone calls him Bob except for you. Use your best judgement... are they in an older generation? They might enjoy seeing 'Robert' on the outside envelope and 'Bob' on the inner envelope. I think it's okay to use Mr. & Mrs. with Bob HisLastName. 

Also, I had to RLOL at @swazzle. My husband has a name that is often mistaken for being short for something, even though it's not. It's dangerous to assume that, so I really wouldn't put the more formal name unless you are sure that's what it is short for. For example, I work with a guy named Randy. His first name is actually Raymond... if he got mail for Randall, he's wonder who the heck that is

lilacck28

I did a big mix. And I think it's fine to do that. Your guests probably aren't going to know how other guests were addressed. It pretty much came down to space for me. 

For some people, I did completely formal. Full names, and titles. 

EX: Mr. and Mrs. Tom Doe. (blegh. no first name for Mrs.?  But my mom was all "just do it" and I caved, for pretty much all older guests. I originally wanted to really throw etiquette out the window and do "Mr. Tom and Mrs. Jane Doe) or  

EX: Ms. Nicole Doe and Mr. Tom Doe if it fit/ they were younger/ had different last names. 

For some, I did no titles, full names. Ex: John and Jane Smith. 

For some I did no titles, nick names, because Minted said that the name line was too long Ex: Ben Smith and Posy Small. 

Others I did titles and nick names: Mr. Ben Smith and Ms. Posy Small. 

The nicknames worked out because that's pretty much what they always go by. 

For one couple I used initials, no titles (knowing that initials are definitely incorrect, etiquette wise). They were married, she kept her maiden name, and his last name was LONG. So I did: G. Smith and T. Longlastname. 

ALSO, I used a lot of "&" instead of "and", even though that is also technically incorrect. I was paying for my fancy, pretty, minted invitations, and gosh darn it... I was going to use their addressing services that matched my invitation! 

I also did a post about addressing on the Etiquette board, basically asking if this type of thing ACTUALLY offends people. There were definitely people that were like "no. don't use minted if you can't use the proper forms of address." My thoughts are--- do your best to address people the way you think they would want to be addressed (I even asked a few people through text message). And they probably won't be upset if you omit titles, especially if your wedding isn't super formal. 

GoldenPenguin

The only people I did full formal names (Mr. & Mrs. Robert Uncle) were FI's family who his mom sent them to that way. My friends & family I did: @Swazzle & Husband Swazzlecock.

jenjen047

Agree with PP. Use your judgement based on knowing your guests and the formality of your event. And definitely better to go with the name you know them as than take a wild guess at a full name and be incorrect. But in all likelihood, you're right in saying that most people probably won't even remember what was on the envelope once they open it so don't spend too much time/energy obsessing.

minskat30

I used formal names.  It was funny actually that some of H's friends I only knew by their nicknames.  When I asked if "Eddie" was short for "Edward" for example, I found out the guy's name was something else entirely.  One of my friends got a little peeved at the way I addressed her invite.  Her husband had just recieved his Ph.D in English and wasn't in acedemia so I wasn't sure how to address him and used Mr. instead of Dr.

lavenderfields13

OK thanks guys! I will just continue doing what I planned to do, addressing the older generation more by more formal names and our friends by what we actually call them.

@lilackk28 trying to follow etiquette when addressing has been a ridiculous struggle for me. I find some of the "rules" to be silly. Like an unmarried couple living together should be on separate lines:

Ms. Posy Small

Mr. Ben Smith

nope. It's silly to me as they're still a unit. So I'm using Mr. Ben Smith & Ms. Posy Small

labro

E is definitely a bad place to go if you want opinions instead of hardline "this is what you MUST do for proper etiquette". I kind of feel like if you're going to use nicknames (that you KNOW are nicknames and not Cassie who is actually Cassie and not Cassandra )then I'd just go with Karen and Bob Smith and not Mr. and Mrs. Bob Smith (when Bob is actually Robert formally).

GoldenPenguin

@Lavenderfields13 - I didn't put unmarried couples on separate lines. I have a few unmarrieds, and they all went on the same line as their SO. 

lilacck28

lavenderfields13 said:

OK thanks guys! I will just continue doing what I planned to do, addressing the older generation more by more formal names and our friends by what we actually call them.

@lilackk28 trying to follow etiquette when addressing has been a ridiculous struggle for me. I find some of the "rules" to be silly. Like an unmarried couple living together should be on separate lines:

Ms. Posy Small

Mr. Ben Smith

nope. It's silly to me as they're still a unit. So I'm using Mr. Ben Smith & Ms. Posy Small

Yeah, I completely agree, F that! I put couples on the same line, and even used "and" or "&" between their names (the horror!.) I don't think the married couples who will not see the invitations of the unmarried couples I invited will have anything taken away from them just because I allowed an unmarried couple to be on the same line separated by the word "and".

With the design of my envelope, this was even more important. The first line was big and scripty, the rest of the lines were smaller and printed. So splitting up a couple by line really made one half of the couple look like an afterthought/ second class citizen. 

I very much value most etiquette, but that's because I see it as being important for your guests' comfort. When old etiquette rules could potentially upset people... I don't see them as being true "etiquette" any longer. 

nowittyusername

I agree with the know your crowd statement.  Older generation folks can get their feathers ruffled when they feel etiquette has been slighted.  Now with FI's friends it is likely another story.  Go with your gut and you should be fine.  Use proper etiquette for grandparents and folks of the older generation, and anyone who in general is very proper.  Use nicknames and a more loose approach for those you know well, and know won't care. 

MOST IMPORTANT PART:
Go easy on yourself.  It doesn't have to be perfect!  It just has to be what you and FI want it to be. This is your chance to savor every moment.  Do that, and you won't have regrets, even if you do call Aunt Cassie by the wrong name.

500days

I practiced addressing people formally on my STDs. I want to make sure that I do them correctly, but I did hear from a couple people that they do not want to be addressed by their full first name. For example, we have a friend named Alex but his real name is Alejandro. I addressed the STD to Mr. Alejandro Lastname and he was not happy with that. Oops, sorry. 

My FMIL (who is divorced) was mad that I used her title (never changed back to her maiden name), she did not like having the Mrs. title....these etiquette rules are tiring. 

500days

double post