NWR - Sad/Angry/Frustrated/Taken Aback...and I cry.

rcher912

TL;DR: I need a Lean In group. Sheryl Sandberg style!

I refuse to say that this is a female issue, because it isn't (that's far too generalized), but I would guess that females encounter this more than males, and so I'd like to throw it out here and get some thoughtful advice and experience.

I have an anxiety disorder. That's just a fact. I know it impacts my daily life, and I'm on medication, but obviously when shit hits the fan, that's not enough and my shit hits the fan a little harder than most.

On top of that, I've always been a crier. When I'm really angry (like really ragey) I end up in tears because my body is literally so overwhelmed with emotion...it just happens. I've had similar things happen when I'm frustrated, taken aback/surprised (I hate surprises), and happy, and obviously, sad. But I'm a crier.

Things have been brewing at my workplace, both for me personally and for the organization as a whole - we're severely understaffed right now, which puts us all in a state of constant crisis.

Outside of work I'm planning a wedding, and as some may remember from a previous thread, grieving the loss of my FMIL, who passed away at Thanksgiving. It's been a tough winter outside of work.

And finally, today, at work, my boss told me I'm not a team player, I'm not pulling my weight, and my attitude is far too dismissive and we need to have a meeting with my direct supervisor about it.

I freaking lost it. I couldn't stop crying for like an hour. I ended up taking extra of my anxiety meds -- the only reason I didn't leave entirely was because I had an important event with students and parents at the end of that hour (which, thank god, was enough of a change of pace and the meds kicked in that I got through it with what I'm going to say were flying colors).

But I can't do that. I can't cry every time a supervisor is mad at me or I'm mad at them. I suppose I should head back to therapy but...am I crazy?????

[Deleted User]

You're not crazy. I,too, have anxiety and my body's natural response to any overwhelming emotion is to cry. 

 A trick I learned was to (gently) pinch the skin between my thumb and index finger when I am becoming overwhelmed. For some reason, it helps me not to cry. 

JCbride2015

I am not a sad crier but I'm an angry/frustrated crier.  It's really hard to be angry and your response is to cry, it's totally undermining and I hate it.  Fortunately I really only do that with close friends/family and it has never happened at work, at least not in front of anyone else.  It helps to consciously relax my facial muscles and take slow, deep breaths.

You could also try reframing some of the way you think about conflict in the work place.  Your supervisor gave you some negative feedback, which certainly sucks to hear, and wants to have a meeting with another supervisor about it.  It doesn't mean he is "mad" at you or that you have to be "mad" at him.  Anger doesn't really seem to factor into it.  Unless he was yelling or otherwise acting out of line?  If you stop thinking about it like, "He's mad at me/ he doesn't like me/ I suck" and start thinking "This particular thing with my performance needs to get better," or "I made this mistake but now I know not to" it takes some of the emotions out of it.

missdelilah

I have anxiety issues too, and I find them really difficult to deal with, because it's such a difficult thing to try and explain to people who haven't experienced them.  

I think @JCbride2015 is spot on about the work situation.  On the outside of work front, can you delegate anything?  I've had a lot of success by asking family members and friends to take on small jobs for me.  It's not always something that can be done, but it does help a lot.  

Also, is there any way you can avoid anxiety triggers when you're not at work?  I often find it very difficult to leave the house, so having my groceries delivered helps a lot.  And I buy pretty much everything I can online.  

Have you ever been to a grief support group?  I personally find those meetings a little too much, but I know a lot of friends who have found them very helpful.  Talking to people who are going through the same thing can be a big help.  

Additionally, this one might sound weird, have you thought about your diet at all?  I've read a lot of research (unfortunately only on mice at this point) that shows that rebalancing gut bacteria reduced anxiety and other psychological symptoms in mice.  I'm about get in to this over the weekend, so I can let you know if I think it works for me.  It sounds quite complicated, but at the bottom of it it's about cutting out processed foods, alcohol, and non-presciption medications.  Not easy when you're planning a wedding, I know.  

If I think of anything else, I'll let you know.  I hope this community can help you find some suitable management and minimization plans.  

morewineplease

I am not a crier normally, but in my last job I would get very overwhelmed and angry, and this would lead to crying (and I hate crying at work). I found it was helpful to find a way to "release" the pent-up feelings outside of the office. Maybe watch a movie that will make you cry (Steel Magnolias works for me). It seemed that if I got it out the day before I could deal with the stress that come the next day better.

Gustafson28

Ugh. I'm the exact same way. The meds have helped me however. Maybe talk to your doc and adjust the type/amount? I started out on meds that made me super sick but euphoric. Then she switched me to the meds I'm currently on but at a very, very small dose. We then increased one of the two slightly and found something that works for me. So sometimes it isn't as easy as popping a pill and having it work out. 

I hope everything works out for you. Here if you need more details about my meds/what works for me.

blabla89

I'm a crier too. Some of us just are. You're not crazy. I find alternate nostril breathing helpful for calming down when I feel like I'm about to cry at my desk. As far as the meeting with your direct supervisor, preparing for it may help you not to cry. Come up with examples of your contributions to the team and your work ethic, and practice reciting them.

arrippa

I also suffer from anxiety (and depression and panic attacks)  and I cry at the drop of a hat. I have gotten better at the crying (when I feel the lump forming, I excuse myself and go somewhere quiet and I can usually calm myself down). 

I know it's hard to not cry at work. I have cried many times in the bathroom stall or even in my car at lunch time. After years of this, I have managed to find way to help me avoiding crying at work. Sometimes I will redirect my mind to other thoughts when I feel the lump coming, redirect my emotions (instead of sad, get mad) or even focus on my breathing.

One of the reasons I don't talk about my wedding, is the thought of wedding planning sent me into a panic attack. I am working 15 hour days and they though of adding that on was too much for me.  We decided to just enjoy being engaged and not worry about planning. The wedding has been out on hold until we decided it's time to start planning.

julieanne912

I don't have much to add, other than I'm a crier too. Angry, frustrated, sad, happy, I do it all!  

It is definitely frustrating to be a crier at work though, because people definitely don't take you as seriously.  I wish I had some ways to help you not cry during your meeting, but I pretty much do the same thing

amelisha

I'm also a crier, both in frustration and happiness and everything else in between. I cry at cute animals on TV sometimes. It's bad.

Fortunately, my (female) boss and I have a good relationship and I warned her not long after I was hired that I'm a crier. She just laughed and promised not to tell anyone if I cry at work, but by some miracle it hasn't happened in the two years I've been here.

When I bartended, though, I used to lock myself in the walk-in fridge where we kept the booze and let some tears fall sometimes when people were being awful. Then I'd slam a beer and continue on my way, haha. Not so practical in an office but tremendously helpful when you''re trying to make drinks but you've got a bunch of dudes out for a stag party saying filthy stuff to you all night and you can't take it anymore.

levioosa

*hugs*  I'm sorry.  I don't have anxiety, but I am an angry/frustrated crier, which I hate because I feel like it makes me look weak and/or it invalidates whatever it is that I have to say. 

rcher912

Thanks everyone. All of this is really helpful. I'm definitely going to try to prepare and even talk to the other supervisor beforehand so I don't feel as blindsided as I did yesterday.

Short story is I forgot to invite big boss into a meeting and he cursed me out. I went in the next day to ask him to refrain from using that kind of language and he went into a big lecture about how I'm not doing my job these days and my attitude sucks. I thought it'd be a short conversation about a very simple and professional request and was just so taken aback and hurt by the way he reacted. Oy.

@missdelilah the diet thing doesn't sound weird at all. Actually I think it would help me in a number of ways but it's a battle haha. I Don't see myself giving up processed foods but dairy makes my sinuses crazy so I might forgo that for awhile and literally "clear my head"

julieanne912

Perhaps it would help you to write down what you'd like to talk to someone about, before you go into the meeting?  Might help you stay focused on the task at hand and not let your emotions get the better of you?

And yeah, I worked for a guy for 6 years who cussed up a storm all the time.  I never said anything to him about it, but one girl we had for a bit (one in the revolving door of many), mentioned something to him about his language.  It didn't go well.  Basically, if he's the big boss, I wouldn't suggest telling him what to do, even if what he's doing isn't professional.  Guys like that take it as you thinking you're their boss versus the other way around.

huskypuppy14

julieanne912 said:

Perhaps it would help you to write down what you'd like to talk to someone about, before you go into the meeting?  Might help you stay focused on the task at hand and not let your emotions get the better of you?

And yeah, I worked for a guy for 6 years who cussed up a storm all the time.  I never said anything to him about it, but one girl we had for a bit (one in the revolving door of many), mentioned something to him about his language.  It didn't go well.  Basically, if he's the big boss, I wouldn't suggest telling him what to do, even if what he's doing isn't professional.  Guys like that take it as you thinking you're their boss versus the other way around.

It's never appropriate to swear at someone. Like Fuck you, you're an asshole, etc. But yes you can swear (people swear all the time). I don't know which situation was the bolded, but OPs situation said he  cussed her out. Which is never appropriate or professional.

rcher912

We work with kids. I just think it's never appropriate when kids are around/involved. It was more of an are you fucking kidding me thing but I still took it very personally. Ugghhhh.

julieanne912

huskypuppy14 said:

julieanne912 said:

Perhaps it would help you to write down what you'd like to talk to someone about, before you go into the meeting?  Might help you stay focused on the task at hand and not let your emotions get the better of you?

And yeah, I worked for a guy for 6 years who cussed up a storm all the time.  I never said anything to him about it, but one girl we had for a bit (one in the revolving door of many), mentioned something to him about his language.  It didn't go well.  Basically, if he's the big boss, I wouldn't suggest telling him what to do, even if what he's doing isn't professional.  Guys like that take it as you thinking you're their boss versus the other way around.

It's never appropriate to swear at someone. Like Fuck you, you're an asshole, etc. But yes you can swear (people swear all the time). I don't know which situation was the bolded, but OPs situation said he  cussed her out. Which is never appropriate or professional.

Oh certainly not.  I was just saying that someone who thinks it's OK to swear at work, especially the big boss type, generally won't respond well to an "underling" who tries to correct them.  

anjemon

I totally understand you OP. I'm a crier too. 

I'm mostly okay with it, I cry at movies, commercials, with my friends if something is funny. But I do hate when I cry while I'm fighting with FI. He gets mad/annoyed/upset and I start crying because all emotions make me cry. I feel like it's playing dirty because he hates to see me cry, but I really can't help it.

I have cried at work before, only a few times. It is hard to get through difficult conversations when all you feel like is that you want to cry. I mostly try to distance myself from those emotions until I'm somewhere where I can cry. Otherwise controlling my breathing often helps.

If you think your supervisor will be more understanding than the yelling douchebag, I would definitely talk to her about it first. Especially because being yelled at for such a simple request is really unprofessional of the big boss dude. I would prep my boss (if they were a good/helpful boss) about what happened and how he responded. He/she might have something to say about the type of communication and what is expected in your work place.

rcher912

julieanne912 said:

Perhaps it would help you to write down what you'd like to talk to someone about, before you go into the meeting?  Might help you stay focused on the task at hand and not let your emotions get the better of you?

And yeah, I worked for a guy for 6 years who cussed up a storm all the time.  I never said anything to him about it, but one girl we had for a bit (one in the revolving door of many), mentioned something to him about his language.  It didn't go well.  Basically, if he's the big boss, I wouldn't suggest telling him what to do, even if what he's doing isn't professional.  Guys like that take it as you thinking you're their boss versus the other way around.

SITB!

I think he took it very poorly, and I should have (and kind of did) expect that. But I believe strongly that it's unprofessional, and that if I don't say something in a calm, assertive, non-confrontational manner, it'll never change. And now I'm in even more trouble lol

@anjemon I think I will do that. I tried texting him but it was a little late at night so he didn't get back to me, but we sat down for a minute last night because he literally had no clue why a meeting was being called at all. I kind of want to do a check in with him again, though, to see where he's at, because if he thinks I'm as much of a slacker as the big boss does, then I need to do some massive reflecting and shifting. I somehow don't think that's the case, though, but we'll see.

rcher912

P.S. You ladies are the best. Thank you so much for your advice, stories, and sympathies. It helps a lot to hear how others deal with this.

FiancB

I've always been a big crier too.  It's gotten better over time, but it still happens. I agree I'm more likely to do it if I'm angry or frustrated than if I'm sad. 

If I feel it coming on, there's a few things I do. One, I breathe deeply. It's calming and once you get that hiccupy choking breathing pattern going, it's really hard to stop. Two, I look up, preferably at a light. That helps to stop the tears more than looking down, which is your first impulse. Three, it helps to press on your tear ducts, or at least kind of poke them a little to dry out the area before you even start crying. If you can get some privacy I think it also helps to immediately do something kind of intense to distract yourself, like some jumping jacks or listen to loud music or something. 

You mentioned being on anxiety meds. It might help to throw in an antidepressant as well. They often go together without realizing it and I have found I have some difficulty crying when on an antidepressant, even when I kind of want to. 

I had a boss that was the biggest dick in the world. He screamed at me more than once. I was pretty proud for not crying for a long time but I finally lost it the fourth time or so. I was wearing sunglasses so I'm not sure he noticed but he probably did. 

Also struggled with clinical when I took a CNA course and got the sense that my instructor didn't like me. I asked her for feedback and was really frustrated by her reply. I made it to my car and cried. Similar stuff happened when I worked at Applebee's. 

missdelilah

It sounds like you've got an issue with the boss that isn't going to get solved easily.  I very much come from a culture in which it's fine to swear, so long as you don't swear at someone (unless you love them a lot or they just rear ended your car). i.e.: "I'm so over this f*ing weather" is totally fine; "you're not pulling your weight you f*ing bitch," completely not fine.  Some people still fail to get this though.  Particularly people who believe they should have power over others.  

And yes, the diet thing is difficult, because it basically amounts to no dining out or ordering in, and cooking everything yourself using whole foods.  I'm pretty psychologically committed to it at this point, but I'll see how I feel about it once the cookbook my friend recommended arrives.  But I think it's also a bit of friendly competition.  

AuroraRose41

I'm so sorry, and can empathize. I needed this thread tonight too, as I lost it on the way home tonight after receiving a criticizing email from my boss that also showed that he didn't fully read what I wrote in a report (yelling at me for not including certain information and then quoting lines from my report with that information in it!). I'm definitely a crier, and what makes it worse is that I work in a male dominated field (engineering). FI helped me by just letting me cry and vent and yell and still came over and hugged me, and then went over and opened a bottle of wine for me, and helped me come to a solution so that I am prepared to walk into my manager's office calmly and discuss the matter with him. 

Thank you all for the tips to try to prevent it at work, because that is something that I struggle with, and can make me look even weaker in a field that most men think that only men should work in still. 

ETA: My normal coping mechanism is to let it out in private at work (i.e. in my office) or to try to remain calm until I get home and then cry it out.  

rcher912

AuroraRose41 said:

I'm so sorry, and can empathize. I needed this thread tonight too, as I lost it on the way home tonight after receiving a criticizing email from my boss that also showed that he didn't fully read what I wrote in a report (yelling at me for not including certain information and then quoting lines from my report with that information in it!). I'm definitely a crier, and what makes it worse is that I work in a male dominated field (engineering). FI helped me by just letting me cry and vent and yell and still came over and hugged me, and then went over and opened a bottle of wine for me, and helped me come to a solution so that I am prepared to walk into my manager's office calmly and discuss the matter with him. 

Thank you all for the tips to try to prevent it at work, because that is something that I struggle with, and can make me look even weaker in a field that most men think that only men should work in still. 

ETA: My normal coping mechanism is to let it out in private at work (i.e. in my office) or to try to remain calm until I get home and then cry it out.  

This this this!!!! I know exact how you feel. I hope your boss responds well and that you can get through that meeting in a calm, assertive way.

Also, I love it when people who clearly aren't paying attention tell you you're doing it wrong. Whaa?

AuroraRose41

@rcher912 Did you have your meeting yet/come to a resolution? I hope it went well if you did. I was thinking about it all day yesterday but was too busy to respond. 

I couldn't find my manager on Friday, but responded calmly through email and also finished an assignment that I think I did an amazing job on, so I felt a lot better yesterday than I did on Thursday. 

doeydo

This sucks and I can relate as someone who experiences anxiety and can get carried away sometimes with emotions (I can get on a thought train and things escalate for me so freaking fast and then I kind of crash emotionally, if that makes sense).  Anywho, I don't really have any advice I guess, just hugs.  

 

rcher912

@AuroraRose41 Unfortunately no We were supposed to all meet on Thursday, but I live in Philly and we got dumped with snow, so we were closed for Thursday and Friday, so now I get to sit with all this until Monday, lol. 

Part of me is looking forward to it, just to get it all out in the clear, defend myself, and hopefully move on, but of course I'm also sick with dread...

AuroraRose41

Aww I'm sorry! Sending lots of hugs and wine! I'm sure that you will rock it on Monday . 

missdelilah

Big hugs!  I hope everything goes well on Monday.  

If it helps at all, just remember that you have a legitimate medical condition, and don't let anyone belittle you because of it.  

Edit:  I say the former because of the issues I've had trying to explain to people I know and have worked with that anxiety is a legitimate medical issue and not just me being overly sensitive.