Sometimes it's hard to be a daughter

themuffinman16

   My mom's father has alzheimer's. He was moved to hospice, after too many falls.  I don't know why people wait to put their loved ones in a care facility... maybe they are in denial, and hope the diagnosis is wrong. He was given three months to live, and my mom is distraught. Her birthday was a couple days ago, and rather than buy her clothes, my twin sister and I decided to get her a train ticket to see her father, for her birthday.

   The problem is, I don't know if she will have a home to return to. My little sister has been evicted, yet again, from another apartment. And is living with my mother and her boyfriend "temporarily." My younger sister is, to put it bluntly, a pig. Imagine all the clothes you ever owned all over your living room floor, cover them with chocolate syrup and animal waste, and it is cleaner than my sister's apartment.  My mother's boyfriend has OCD. Every week he washes his entire house, even the walls.  He flies off the handle when he can't clean his house once a week. He even threatened to kick my mom out when she couldn't do the Sunday cleaning two days after her surgery. This situation will probably turn volatile in my mother's absence.  My sister's cleanliness isn't the only problem, it's the highs and lows of a drug abuser, and the constant drama that brings. I think my mom's boyfriend will get so sick of my younger sister, he will kick both of them to the curb.

  I feel bad that my mother lives in this situation, and I feel terrible that she could never live with me. My mother is a magnet for drama, and I just can't live that way.  My little sister is a heroin addict turned methadone addict. I do not want her anywhere near my house, and my mother could never tell her no. (She knows she is on thin ice with her boyfriend, but let my sister live with her, knowing they will both get kicked out).  My mother is the biggest enabler I have ever known. So many times I struggle with feeling like a bad daughter that my mother would never be welcome to live with me, but her lifestyle is just one big nope that I can't get involved with. My mother gives me guilt trips all of the time, about how bad her situation is, and that she might not have a home, for very long.  I guess I just need support, and to know I am not a bad daughter because I can't get involved in the mess she got herself into.

amelisha

I don't have any advice, but I wanted to say that you sound like you're handling this as well as anyone could. I think you're absolutely doing the right thing by not getting more involved. You can't fix it for them and enabling them won't help either, you know? I can't even imagine how hard it would be to see your family struggle like that but sometimes you have to look out for yourself first, and putting yourself any further into that mess than you have to sounds like a recipe for misery. 

climbingsingle

I'm very sorry. But IMO you're right to keep your mother at bay. That's a whole mess of drama that I wouldn't want in my life. 

themuffinman16

Sometimes, I feel myself waffle about my mother living with me. Then I remember all the money she had to borrow from me, because my sister stole from her (until I got fed up with it, and knew it would never stop).

    My younger sister gets money from the government because she is disabled through crippling laziness, but feels the need to steal from my mother who is legitimately disabled. My mother told her boyfriend that she stopped receiving her checks and gave ALL of her monthly check to my sister. It's just lies on top of lies to cover for my younger sister.

   It's just stressful. I care about my mother, and I don't want her to not have a home. I just can't be the second tier enabler. I still feel like shit about it, though.

thespeshulestsnowflake

themuffinman16 said:

Sometimes, I feel myself waffle about my mother living with me. Then I remember all the money she had to borrow from me, because my sister stole from her (until I got fed up with it, and knew it would never stop).

    My younger sister gets money from the government because she is disabled through crippling laziness, but feels the need to steal from my mother who is legitimately disabled. My mother told her boyfriend that she stopped receiving her checks and gave ALL of her monthly check to my sister. It's just lies on top of lies to cover for my younger sister.

   It's just stressful. I care about my mother, and I don't want her to not have a home. I just can't be the second tier enabler. I still feel like shit about it, though.

Oh I feel for you, but as hard as it must be, please stand your ground. You will be better for it and so will they.

levioosa

I am so sorry.  Unfortunately there's nothing you can do until your mom actually realizes that she is enabling.  My parents covered for my brother for years until they realized it was hurting everyone, including him.  You can't help her because she can't/won't help herself by putting an end to the madness involved with your sister.  You are not a bad daughter for refusing to open yourself up to the mess of all of this.  You are not a bad daughter if you keep boundaries for your own safety and tell your mother that you won't discuss certain topics anymore with her.  *hugs*

novella1186

I'm so sorry. My grandma had Alzheimer's and it was definitely tough for everyone to go through, but particularly for my grandpa and my dad. So many hugs. 

bethsmiles

I'm so sorry. That's an awful position to be in but you are 100% right in realizing that you can't bring that drama into your home. I know sometimes it feels like we should do anything for family but your well-being (mental, emotional, and physical) are just as important. It sounds like you are a great daughter, if you weren't you wouldn't be worried about this or waffle on letting your mom come live with you.