NWR: Emotional Rollarcoaster

southernbelle0915

Short version: 

My parents separated about 4 months ago, my mom has been acting increasingly annoying/crazy, and I feel caught in the middle.

Long version: 

As most of the regs here probably know, both my parents are cancer survivors. After their respective treatments (several years ago), they separated. They were both extremely depressed and unable to deal. They went to counseling separately, then together. After about a year, they got back together.

Fast forward a few years, and back in November (2014), they announced that they're separating again. The idea is that they will separate, go to counseling separately and then make a decision on whether they will stay married or divorce. Without getting into details, I think they'll divorce. Ultimately, I just want them both to be happy and I support whatever they do for their own long-term happiness. 

I can tell they're both heart broken, but trying to do the right thing. It's really hard to watch.

So my dad is handling this as he does most things, not opening up about it. Which is fine - as long as he feels like he's working through things with his counselor and has a safe place to talk, whatever. My mom is handling it as she does most things, wearing her heart on her sleeve.

When they separated the first time around, I was living with my mom. It was hell. She would flip on a dime from sobbing to angry to overly faking happiness. I bought my dad a blanket for his apartment and she accused me of driving a wedge between them and making the separation easier. I always felt like she was trying to get me to choose sides by saying things like "don't you see what he's doing to our family?" "he's ruining all of our lives, can't you see that?" She would do the same thing with their mutual friends. I'd hear her on the phone telling them it was all my dad's fault and sobbing uncontrollably. She told them inflated stories that toed the line on even being true they were so manipulated. She reached out to "his" friends and tried to sway them too. 

Thankfully, this time around, I'm not living with my mom. But she's doing the same thing. Every time I see her she goes from dripping-fake-happy to sobbing to lashing out at me all in the same sentence. I asked her how she's doing in counseling. In summary, she basically thinks she has "nothing to work on" that she has "effectively accepted the situation" and that "it's all on him". Obvious red flag. She also called me a liar and denied things she said/did the first time around. She's told me about convos she's had with their mutual friends and "his" friends and it's pretty clear she'll playing the same game this time around.

I feel like it's all smoke and mirrors with her and that I can't have a "real" conversation. My heart breaks for her because I know how hard this is, but I can't talk to her. When she's being open, she's sobbing and then spiraling into made-up stories of her own assumptions. When she's being guarded, she's lashing out and manipulating everyone. 

So on Sunday, DH and I officially joined our church after a few years of attending (yay!). I invited my mom and dad (separately) to come to the service. My dad couldn't make it, mom said she'd come. So come to find out, my mom contacted the membership director, told her we all wanted to join "as a family" (not true), got the director to waive all the classes for her, and showed up to the membership breakfast Sunday morning. Uhhhh... hi mom?

I get that anyone can join the church and I'm not saying she can't or shouldn't. By any means. If she wants to join our church, great. Take the classes like everyone else, go through the membership process, and join. I feel like she inserted herself inappropriately by lying to the membership director (telling her we wanted to join "as a family") and just showing up. 

I'm fed up with her. I feel like she crossed a really inappropriate line and I don't even know how to talk to her about it. Or whether I should. She's been totally unreasonable and unapproachable with everything else. We used to be really close and I feel like I don't even know her right now. 

Anyway, I guess this is more of a vent, but what would you do? Not just about the church thing, but just in general. Talk to her? Let the situation ride out until she's in a better place and then tell her how I was hurt by the way she handled things? 

thisismynickname2

I'm sorry you and your parents are going through this. I have never been in those shoes, but anytime someone I know is going through something, I just assure them I'm available to listen. If people want to vent, cry, whatever, I'll listen. Judgement-free zone. 

Sending hugs!

blabla89

That sounds really frustrating, and I'm sorry your family is going through this. Do you have siblings, and if so, is your mom doing the same thing to them?

I can see why the church thing would make you uncomfortable, especially if that's a part of your life that she's never been closely involved in, but you're right that you can't really tell her not to come.

I don't know how much good would come of having a sit-down talk with your mom, since it seems like she's just not being rational. But you can work on setting boundaries so that she isn't taking it all out on you. When she lashes out, you can tell her that you understand that she's emotional but you don't appreciate being spoken to that way. When she says bad things about your dad, you can say, "Mom, I love you and I want to be here for you, but I don't think it's appropriate for you to talk that way about Dad." And then don't engage in the conversation any further. I guess the bottom line is that you can't necessarily change the way she's going to behave, but you can take yourself out of the middle of it as much as possible.

loveislouder

My parents separated in October. While neither of my parents were flipping back and forth, they were just angry all the time. They would both tell exaggerated stories to their mutual friends to the point of some of these people saying they were going to boycott our wedding because they didn't want to see my mom or dad.

The best thing I did for them was hook them up with FMIL. FMIL is in a support group called Beginning Experiences - Starting Life Alone for people who have just lost their spouses, whether it be through separation or death. It's essentially a support group like AA.

I don't know if where you live has something like this, but maybe suggest it to both of them.

It's not fair for her to put you in this position where you have to listen to her talk disparagingly about your father. A lot of people told me all I could do was just be an ear for them and listen if they needed something.  I tried that and honestly, it was a really bad decision.

 Is counseling an option for you? I was hellbent on not going, but it helped a lot.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. If I knew how to GIF I would give you a cute one with puppies.

emmaaa

First of all, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't think it makes it easier as you get older. My parents divorced after 28 years of marriage when I was 17. They both took it really hard. Putting my brothers and I all in the middle of it.

I think it is essential to just stay out of it. I constantly had to say, "No, I won't tell him that for you. If you want him to know, then tell him yourself" kind of thing. 

As far as the church situation, I would be extremely uncomfortable with this. But at the same time, what do you do? It is a hard situation. I would just tell her to make sure that she let you know when she is planning on doing something like that that directly impacts you. But also, how do you know she'll follow through? I don't know. I would be extremely confused and unsure of what to do.

I'm really sorry, I don't know what to say really. It's always hard to be a child in the middle of divorce.

southernbelle0915

@blabla89 - I have a sister but she lives really far away. She said she can tell my mom is all kinds of crazy right now, but is basically able to end a phone call easily. Unfortunately for me, my mom will wait until we're on a road trip (obviously can't leave the car) or ask me to help with something at her house and then corner me where she knows it's awkward for me to leave while she's sobbing.

@loveislouder - I've thought about counseling for myself. I'm just not sold on it yet. 

@emmaaa - yea, it's never easy. I know she was serious about the church thing because she did end up following through. She just showed up on Sunday, sat by us at the breakfast, followed us into the pew and then stood next to us in front of the congregation while we joined and she joined. I don't know how she got the membership director to agree without taking the classes. My guess is because she lied and told them "we want to join as a family" so they'll just let her take the classes later.

STARMOON44

You need some boundaries! If she corners you on road trips, you don't get in a car with her anymore. If she asks you for help around the house, you say no. Don't ask her about how counseling is going. Don't try to have a real conversation with her about it.

Counseling can help you figure out how to value yourself and your needs above a desire not to make things awkward.

teddygirl9

I'm sorry you're being put in the middle of this. My SO is in a similar situation (parents aren't divorced), where his mom calls him bawling her eyes out about his dad. I don't think its fair for parents to put their kids in that position =\

 

I agree with PPs on setting boundaries. TBH id probably say something like "I know this is hard, but I love you both and don't want to hear you talk badly about Dad. If you want to talk about something else, I'm all ears, but it hurts me when you say those things" or something similar. If she can't do that, then I'd probably put some space there until things settle down.

sophhabobopha

I'm sorry you're going through this. ):

wandajune6

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. Lots of hugs and warm fuzzy thoughts going your way.

I don't have any personal experience but have seen my mom deal with some of this. My grandparents separated and eventually divorced after 35+ years of marriage (this was 30+ years ago). It was a drawn-out and ugly process and they put my mom into the middle of things. 30 years later and my mom still has residual anger about how they handled it.

A few years ago in the midst of some of my own relationship issues, my mom shared something with me. She married my dad shortly before her parents' relationship fell apart. During her parents' separation, she once found herself arguing with my dad (they never fight) and realized that she was bringing parent baggage into their relationship. It scared the shit out of her so she went to a local counselor. She didn't go for very long but it helped her figure out how to manage things in her head.

Basically, don't let your parents' issues mess with your relationship with your DH. You need to take care of yourself before you take care of anyone else.

(Incidentally, it's awkward as hell for everyone now. Both of her parents are in their 90s and have dementia. They divorced when I was a toddler and are both now trying to make sure that my sister and I know "the truth" about what happened before they're gone. And yes, that's every bit as awful as it sounds.)