FI and the doctor (vent)

blabla89

FI threw his back out around Christmas time (multiple times)
and it’s been causing him problems ever since. The symptoms have ranged from
numbness all over his body to extreme back pain and spasms to discomfort that makes him unable to sleep. The lack of sleep is really getting to him. The stress and
the frustration of it all has definitely been hard on us, and he’s (understandably)
cranky when he’s not feeling well. He has some good days when he feels okay,
but most of the time it’s clear that he’s not feeling well.

He put off going to the doctor for a long time because he was too busy to find a new doctor, so I suggested a practice near his house and
he finally got an appointment. The doctor gave him some meds (ibuprofen and a
muscle relaxer that makes him drowsy) and recommended physical therapy. FI kept saying things like “well the meds are helping a little bit” and “I’m just going to wait it out and see if it goes
away on its own” (it’s been three months now…don’t think that’s going to happen
anytime soon) and was also waiting on the health insurance through his new job
to start, and not wanting to spend the money on it. His coverage finally
started and I asked if he was going to start physical therapy soon, and he said
he’s too busy. I keep asking and he keeps telling me he’s too busy. I understand that
he has a heavy workload and all, but I feel like health should take precedence
over the job. Besides, it’s not like it takes a lot of time to get online and
find a few providers that accept the insurance. I’ve even offered to do that
for him, although he declined.

I know can take a while to really start seeing benefits from
physical therapy, and the longer he puts it off the longer he’s going to feel
crappy. I really hate seeing him so uncomfortable all the time. Our wedding is less than two months away now, and I’m seriously worried that he’s going to be in pain on our wedding day or throw out his back on our
honeymoon and not be able to get out of bed. I told him all this a few weeks ago and he listened, but still hasn't made any more effort to start treatment. I’m at a loss for
what else to do, since he doesn’t seem motivated at all.

I guess this is mostly just a vent but if you ladies have any wise words of advice, I'd love to hear it. 

ETA: don't know what's up with these line breaks

southernbelle0915

I'm not a doctor or anything, but he might need to have an MRI to see what's really going on. It sort of sounds like his physician wrote a couple of scripts (meds and PT) and pushed him out the door. Did he even get a diagnosis other than "back pain"? 

DH damaged his rotator cuff 3 years ago. He did everything right (still does physical therapy) and STILL has occasional pain. 

Your FI's injury may be long term and it is really stupid to ignore it. I get that he's young but he won't always be and he might be causing more damage now that can't be repaired - when it could have been if he just taken care of it. Long term physical damage would be awful.

Is he really that busy? Is there anything you could do to help him make time for this?

MadHops21

I agree with southernbelle. He might be young now, but what he's doing to his body might be irreparable later in life. I know my dad talks about how he wishes he went to the doctor sooner for multiple things because they affect him now at 65. 

littlepep

My FI is awful about going to the doctor too so I get where you are coming from. 

I wish I had some advice to help you convince him. It's hard when the other person is so stubborn, but I would just keep trying to bring it up without sounding like you are nagging. Maybe look up some articles about back pain so he realizes how serious it is? I definitely think it will only get worse if he just leaves it. 

blabla89

southernbelle0915 said:

I'm not a doctor or anything, but he might need to have an MRI to see what's really going on. It sort of sounds like his physician wrote a couple of scripts (meds and PT) and pushed him out the door. Did he even get a diagnosis other than "back pain"? 

DH damaged his rotator cuff 3 years ago. He did everything right (still does physical therapy) and STILL has occasional pain. 

Your FI's injury may be long term and it is really stupid to ignore it. I get that he's young but he won't always be and he might be causing more damage now that can't be repaired - when it could have been if he just taken care of it. Long term physical damage would be awful.

Is he really that busy? Is there anything you could do to help him make time for this?

FI got an x-ray but no MRI or any other tests yet. He didn't like his doctor, and complained that she's a resident and didn't have any answers for him. I tried suggesting that he find another doctor and recommended the practice that I go to (because I know the doctors are good) but he didn't show any interest in that. He's certainly busy at work (in meetings most of the day lately) but he still has time when he could be looking things up online. A couple weeks ago I offered to look up PTs who accept his insurance, and told him all I need is his insurance policy number and I'll do the rest, but he said he would do it himself. I'm wondering how to go about asking/offering again because I don't know when he'll get around to it.

Couggal12

DH is the exact same way about the doctor/dentist. He hates going so I can understand your frustration.

I definitely agree with PP that he could be doing more damage to his body by not going to PT or getting to the real root of the problem. Is it possible to find a PT where he can go early in the morning before he goes to work or school? That way he can be done with it before his day starts. 

The fact that he has numbness in his body makes me think this may be a nerve issue (however I am NOT a doctor so this is just a guess, he should only trust a licensed doctor)  and he will need to get more medical treatment other than just medication. 

KatieinBkln

He might be scared to go but unwilling to tell you that.

What would happen if you offered to go with him to a PT or specialist? What would happen if you made the appointment first, then told him? Some people might be too chicken to initiate, but will do it if all the prep work is done for them.

(This is coming from someone who is thisclose to taking her FI by the hand and dragging him to see a doctor for something much less invasive and much less affecting of his quality of life.)

Maybe it's time to stop offering to help and just do it--you may be overstepping his boundaries, but honestly? "In sickness and in health" shouldn't have to mean "voluntary sickness and lifelong pain because I'm too lazy/scared/busy/cavalier to take care of myself." You have to live with him, and living like this isn't going to cut it, right?

anjemon

Obviously I don't know your FI and your relationship, but for me and my FI I would sit down and tell him your worries. That you want him to be able to dance on his wedding day and be able to focus on your instead of the pain when he's standing up with the officiant. I know you tried, but perhaps he needs you to say it again.

After that there's not much you can do. My FI gently reminds me about going to my doctor that I avoid (chiropractor) fairly frequently. I'm terrible about going, but I know he nags because it's in my best interest. In return I remind him about looking into a chiropractor for himself (because he didn't like mine) when his back hurts. But when the issues are as big as you're describing, I think it's really important to make time.

themuffinman16

As someone who lives with back pain, i think he needs an MRI. My doctor's were working in the best interest of my HMO. They only gave me an X-ray and RX for PT. not knowing what my problem was, was the worst thing for my back. I went to PT and did a bunch of exercises that aggravated my injury. I became practically bedridden for three months. I, finally, was approved for an MRI, was given the right exercises to gradually strengthen the affected areas, and in 3 more months, I was riding bicycles and hiking. Don't let doctor's push for cheaper treatments, he needs to be assertive with his treatment. It is the best way to have a good outcome. The longer it takes to get the swelling down, the more damage will be done to his back. Some damage is irreversible... that's why treating this sooner is in his best interest. I wish your Fi well, and hope he is feeling better soon.

redwoodoriginal

he should get an MRI. i have struggled with back and neck pain for at least 10 years, with at least once a year having a full blown spasm where I couldn't move and would need help getting to the dr for a week of pain meds, steriods, and muscle relaxants that would knock me out. I FINALLY decided enough was enough after 3 spasms in 6 months where I couldn't move, was missing work, and told my Dr. NO something is WRONG and i NEED to figure it out. I finally got Xrays and referred to a specialty dr who immediately ordered an MRI, put me on continuous meds, and PT several times a week.  

I, too, started to freak out about how was I going to live my life (and care for my kids, lift a baby, carry a diaper bag, run around and tickle them, etc) when I got older if I was 28 and in such constant pain. 

it doesnt have to be that way! Talk to him again. Use specific examples of why it worries YOU and how PT will help. Tell him at the very least, my PT would start all my appts with a massage/loosening of the muscles so it was a nice way to ease into doing exercises and PT bc it was really the only times during the week that i'd relax and the pain would subside. 

I hope he listens and gets his shizz together. It's hard though, I put it off for so many years, so I get it, but it's really dumb to do that if he finally has good insurance to cover a lot of it. and really, I decided my co-pay is worth every session even if the bills start to add up. 

blabla89

FI and I had another talk about it last night and he said he doesn't want to go to the doctor because it "seems like it's getting better" (even though he threw it out just two weeks ago and was in pain after that) and decided that he was going to try and work out tonight. If/when it starts bothering him again I'm going to sit him down and have a come to Jesus talk.

climbingsingle

This must be incredibly furstrating. I'm sorry! I wish I had some advice. 

buttercup1958

Does he ever listen to you? I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope it gets better! He really needs to take his health seriously.

princessleia22

DH is also horrible about going to doctor... why do guys do that?  A couple years ago he was having an ongoing issue and I finally got him to say he would go get it checked, but he never got around to finding a doctor (he hadn't seen a doctor in over 10 years, so didn't have one). He delayed and delayed.  I finally got online and found him a doctor, asked him what day/time would work for him and I called and set the appointment for him. For the past 6 weeks DH has been having trouble with his knee.  It's been really swollen and locks up on him, but not really painful.  He finally agreed to see a doctor for it.  I got online, found a sports med doctor for him to see (he didn't want to see a primary care), and gave him the number.  He called and got it checked out.  But, he never would have taken the initiative to find the doctor himself.  He would put it off forever if I didn't do the work to push him on it.  I hate having to mother him and he should be adult enough to set his own doctor appointments, but I know that doing it myself is the only way it will happen... or he'll finally go when it has gotten really bad, instead of dealing with it when it's just a small problem.

huskypuppy14

Girl, my husband wouldn't go to the doctor until he had a burst appendix. He complained for 3 days about his stomach bothering him and said he didn't have time to go to the doctor because he had to work. 

I was able to get him to at least call his doctor and get an appointment for his day off (obviously he didn't know he had a burst appendix) . But then he didn't make it to that appointment because we had to go to urgent care on a Saturday and then he was admitted to the hospital. 

Believe me, you don't want that.