Family Attire Conflict

Knottie17008531

So I need some advice, the attire for my wedding is going to be Semi Formal ceremony is late afternoon reception is in the evening, the groomsmen will be wearing dark grey suits and bridesmaids floor length satin dresses. My side of the family is much more proper or "worldly" then my fiances side of the family and will be wearing suits and ties and semi formal or cocktail type attire. I need advice because my soon to be MIL wants to dress casual and as well a soon to be brother in law who I believe should at least wear dress pants and a button down shirt. How do I go about this? I'm not picky but I would like them to be dressed semi-formal or close to it, especially because they will be in some pictures. I thought about requesting semi-formal attire on the invite or an insert card, is that tacky?

chibiyui

Knottie17008531 said:

So I need some advice, the attire for my wedding is going to be Semi Formal ceremony is late afternoon reception is in the evening, the groomsmen will be wearing dark grey suits and bridesmaids floor length satin dresses. My side of the family is much more proper or "worldly" then my fiances side of the family and will be wearing suits and ties and semi formal or cocktail type attire. I need advice because my soon to be MIL wants to dress casual and as well a soon to be brother in law who I believe should at least wear dress pants and a button down shirt. How do I go about this? I'm not picky but I would like them to be dressed semi-formal or close to it, especially because they will be in some pictures. I thought about requesting semi-formal attire on the invite or an insert card, is that tacky?

Firstly, this is not your battle. At no point should you be dictating attire choices for any adult, and especially not your future in-laws.

Secondly, unless your venue has a dress code, you do not include any sort of card suggesting attire. That is rude and tacky.

Finally, if your in laws to be want to dress casual, that is on them. The most you can do is if one of them asks about attire is mention what other people are planning to wear and hope they get the hint. do not stress over this, it isn't worth worrying about. It will not ruin your pictures.

manateehugger

Semi Formal isn't a real dress code, so there's that. And yes, it would be INCREDIBLY tacky to print that on any invitation.

But agreed with PP, you can't fight this battle without looking like a bridezilla. Not to mention, this is not the note you want to hit as you enter your FI's family. You will look picky and controlling.

I promise you though, you wont notice/care about guest attire if you're doing your wedding right. Try to concentrate on having a blast instead of on your guests' attire or your giant family photos. Seriously, it will not matter in the pictures. It's not worth risking your future relationship with these people for 1-3 family shots.

esstee33

Let people dress how they're comfortable dressing. You can't control adults' wardrobe choices, nor should you be wasting energy even considering it. I'm sure you have much better things to be worrying about! Unless you're actually hosting a black-tie event or your venue has an actual dress code and your guests will be turned away for not following it, it's rude to dictate attire. 

QueerFemme

You don't control what people wear unless they are in the wedding party.  Your in-laws can wear whatever they want.   If you want your future brother-in-law in a specific outfit, put him in the wedding party, and he can wear a suit.  Otherwise, they will be in photos in whatever they show up in. yes, if everyone else is in dress clothes, they may look out of place, but that's not your problem.  And you probably will hang one, maybe two photos of your wedding in your home.  Chances are, it won't be a huge family photo.   Don't worry about this.

climbingsingle

This is simple. You do not tell people what to wear to your wedding. You let them dress themselves in whatever they want.
Also semi-formal isn't really a dress code and pretty much means nothing.

southernbelle0915

Honest question...why do you care what other people wear? Every time a bride comes here and says "I'm not picky/so laid/low key back but...." It means they're trying to micromanage something.

Let it go. Control your own outfit, not others'.

mrscomposer

True story: when we were first planning our wedding, J wanted to put 'semi-formal' on our invitations, because he didn't want anyone to show up in jeans.

We didn't. And I honestly can't tell you if anyone was in jeans, because it didn't matter.  People wore what they were comfortable in, and I was much happier with comfortable, happy people, than I would have been with a dress code.

mikenberger

What everybody else says. When I get asked "what should I wear?" "I don't care what you wear, but I will ask you to be in pictures in whatever you're wearing." That seems to be motivating nicer dress, but I honestly, do not care what they wear nor do I want to dictate what they wear. They are adults. They can dress themselves. I'd rather have happy smiling casual people than uptight and stoic semi formal.

blabla89

southernbelle0915 said:

Honest question...why do you care what other people wear? Every time a bride comes here and says "I'm not picky/so laid/low key back but...." It means they're trying to micromanage something.

Let it go. Control your own outfit, not others'.

Because PICTURES, southernbelle. Duh.

(also why isn't the name showing up when I quote?)

kmmssg

OP - I  think you have bridal brain going on here.  Let it go.

There is a real problem if you look at your wedding pictures and you aren't seeing the people in the pictures - only what they are wearing.  If someone is alive, breathing, they love you, and they are there that is what matters - not if they are dressed a certain way.

One of my DDs  got married last Summer.  She has a half sister who truly had a camouflage wedding in her backyard the year before.  Her half sister and BIL are NOT dressy people whatsoever.  BIL wanted to wear camo pants and it was all half sister could do to get him into decent cargo shorts.  While everyone else was in suits and dress clothes, he was not.  He is in the family pictures and DD was glad to have him in them.  Seriously, let it go.

Dincognito

kmmssg said:

OP - I  think you have bridal brain going on here.  Let it go.

There is a real problem if you look at your wedding pictures and you aren't seeing the people in the pictures - only what they are wearing.  If someone is alive, breathing, they love you, and they are there that is what matters - not if they are dressed a certain way.

One of my DDs  got married last Summer.  She has a half sister who truly had a camouflage wedding in her backyard the year before.  Her half sister and BIL are NOT dressy people whatsoever.  BIL wanted to wear camo pants and it was all half sister could do to get him into decent cargo shorts.  While everyone else was in suits and dress clothes, he was not.  He is in the family pictures and DD was glad to have him in them.  Seriously, let it go.

This, exactly - well-said and well-illustrated.

manateehugger said:

Semi Formal isn't a real dress code, so there's that.

climbingwife said:

Also semi-formal isn't really a dress code and pretty much means nothing.

Semi-formal is the level of formality between informal (ordinary suit) and formal (white tie).

Maggie0829

Dincognito said:

OP - I  think you have bridal brain going on here.  Let it go.

There is a real problem if you look at your wedding pictures and you aren't seeing the people in the pictures - only what they are wearing.  If someone is alive, breathing, they love you, and they are there that is what matters - not if they are dressed a certain way.

One of my DDs  got married last Summer.  She has a half sister who truly had a camouflage wedding in her backyard the year before.  Her half sister and BIL are NOT dressy people whatsoever.  BIL wanted to wear camo pants and it was all half sister could do to get him into decent cargo shorts.  While everyone else was in suits and dress clothes, he was not.  He is in the family pictures and DD was glad to have him in them.  Seriously, let it go.

This, exactly - well-said and well-illustrated.

Semi Formal isn't a real dress code, so there's that.

Also semi-formal isn't really a dress code and pretty much means nothing.

Semi-formal is the level of formality between informal (ordinary suit) and formal (white tie).


Um, that would be black tie, since white tie is a step above that.  A suit would be appropriate for any event that is not black tie.  Which is to say, anything.

southernbelle0915

Dincognito said:

kmmssg said:

OP - I  think you have bridal brain going on here.  Let it go.

There is a real problem if you look at your wedding pictures and you aren't seeing the people in the pictures - only what they are wearing.  If someone is alive, breathing, they love you, and they are there that is what matters - not if they are dressed a certain way.

One of my DDs  got married last Summer.  She has a half sister who truly had a camouflage wedding in her backyard the year before.  Her half sister and BIL are NOT dressy people whatsoever.  BIL wanted to wear camo pants and it was all half sister could do to get him into decent cargo shorts.  While everyone else was in suits and dress clothes, he was not.  He is in the family pictures and DD was glad to have him in them.  Seriously, let it go.

This, exactly - well-said and well-illustrated.

manateehugger said:

Semi Formal isn't a real dress code, so there's that.

climbingwife said:

Also semi-formal isn't really a dress code and pretty much means nothing.

Semi-formal is the level of formality between informal (ordinary suit) and formal (white tie).

Incorrect. Between informal and white tie, there is Black tie - tuxedos and gowns.

Semi-formal isn't a real thing. Sure, you might be able to find someone on the internet who says it is (I can also find a French model boyfriend with glasses and a fanny pack), but it's not.

redoryx

Dincognito said:

kmmssg said:

OP - I  think you have bridal brain going on here.  Let it go.

There is a real problem if you look at your wedding pictures and you aren't seeing the people in the pictures - only what they are wearing.  If someone is alive, breathing, they love you, and they are there that is what matters - not if they are dressed a certain way.

One of my DDs  got married last Summer.  She has a half sister who truly had a camouflage wedding in her backyard the year before.  Her half sister and BIL are NOT dressy people whatsoever.  BIL wanted to wear camo pants and it was all half sister could do to get him into decent cargo shorts.  While everyone else was in suits and dress clothes, he was not.  He is in the family pictures and DD was glad to have him in them.  Seriously, let it go.

This, exactly - well-said and well-illustrated.

manateehugger said:

Semi Formal isn't a real dress code, so there's that.

climbingwife said:

Also semi-formal isn't really a dress code and pretty much means nothing.

Semi-formal is the level of formality between informal (ordinary suit) and formal (white tie).

What you're describing is Black Tie, which is semi-formal compared to White Tie. And an ordinary suit is semi-formal compared to Black Tie. 

So, no. Semi Formal isn't really a thing. 

daria24

It's weird to me that your BMs are in floor length satin dresses, and you call that semi-formal. That to me is formal, even appropriate for black tie. 

The point being, "semi-formal" means different things to different people. There is no standard. It's meaningless. So putting it on your invites would only cause confusion. If I saw semi-formal, I would tell my husband to wear dress pants and a dress shirt, maybe a tie. But definitely not a suit. I would wear a nice dress, but not a cocktail dress.

Don't create more stress for yourself by trying to control what other people are wearing. It truly does not matter what people wear, as long as their bits and bobs are covered appropriately. 

Dincognito

Maggie0829 said:

Um, that would be black tie, since white tie is a step above that.  A suit would be appropriate for any event that is not black tie.  Which is to say, anything.

southernbelle0915 said:

Incorrect. Between informal and white tie, there is Black tie - tuxedos and gowns.

Are you guys putting me on? We seem to be in full agreement, or not at all LOL. Perhaps I just need another coffee?

In any event, yes, black tie falls between informal and formal as you (and I) have outlined above. Where is the disconnect then? What better term is there to denote the position between informal and formal? We don't need Emily Post or Alan Flusser to answer that. ;-)

southernbelle0915

Dincognito said:

Maggie0829 said:

Um, that would be black tie, since white tie is a step above that.  A suit would be appropriate for any event that is not black tie.  Which is to say, anything.

southernbelle0915 said:

Incorrect. Between informal and white tie, there is Black tie - tuxedos and gowns.

Are you guys putting me on? We seem to be in full agreement, or not at all LOL. Perhaps I just need another coffee?

In any event, yes, black tie falls between informal and formal as you (and I) have outlined above. Where is the disconnect then? What better term is there to denote the position between informal and formal? We don't need Emily Post or Alan Flusser to answer that. ;-)

Your post said that "semi-formal" is an actual dress code. And it's not. That's the disconnect.

Maggie and I both clarified that "Black tie" IS an actual dress code.

theartistformerlyknownas

Dincognito said:

Um, that would be black tie, since white tie is a step above that.  A suit would be appropriate for any event that is not black tie.  Which is to say, anything.

Incorrect. Between informal and white tie, there is Black tie - tuxedos and gowns.

Are you guys putting me on? We seem to be in full agreement, or not at all LOL. Perhaps I just need another coffee?

In any event, yes, black tie falls between informal and formal as you (and I) have outlined above. Where is the disconnect then? What better term is there to denote the position between informal and formal? We don't need Emily Post or Alan Flusser to answer that. ;-)


There is no term. It doesn't need one. The ONLY dress codes that need names are white tie and black tie, because they have agreed-upon rules. Everything else is subject to someone's interpretation. 

Dincognito

Dincognito said:

 What better term is there to denote the position between informal and formal?

I've said my part. Take care ladies.

[Deleted User]

Dincognito said:

Dincognito said:

 What better term is there to denote the position between informal and formal?

I've said my part. Take care ladies.

Well, yes, the Term in between informal and formal would indeed be "semi-formal" however, I think our definitions of "informal" and "formal" are different since they're just Terms and not dress codes.  You say "informal" is a suit.  I say "informal" is khakis and a polo shirt.  You say "formal" is white tie.  I say "formal" is a suit.  This is where the disconnect lies.  Therefore your "semi-formal" is black tie.  Whereas my "semi-formal" is nice slacks and a button-down, maybe a tie.

southernbelle0915

adk19 said:

Dincognito said:

Dincognito said:

 What better term is there to denote the position between informal and formal?

I've said my part. Take care ladies.

Well, yes, the Term in between informal and formal would indeed be "semi-formal" however, I think our definitions of "informal" and "formal" are different since they're just Terms and not dress codes.  You say "informal" is a suit.  I say "informal" is khakis and a polo shirt.  You say "formal" is white tie.  I say "formal" is a suit.  This is where the disconnect lies.  Therefore your "semi-formal" is black tie.  Whereas my "semi-formal" is nice slacks and a button-down, maybe a tie.

Nail.... meet head. 

This is exactly why "semi-formal" is not an actual a dress code.

phira

My idea of semi-formal is NOT floor-length gowns, so.

Listen: I've gotten married. I didn't notice what other people wore.

I thought I would. My husband has two friends who are notorious for NOT dressing appropriately for events like weddings. We were concerned about, ya know, jeans with wallet chains.

I was so oblivious to what they were wearing that I didn't notice at ALL that one of them wore a suit and Converse in a deliberate nod to the 10th Doctor. Which is something that I thought was SUPER cool, except I didn't even notice. My husband had to point it out to me after we were home, and I had to take his word for it.

Focus on planning a fun and wonderful event to celebrate your marriage. Don't worry about guest attire.

[Deleted User]

If his family asks what is everyone wearing, tell them GM are wearing this, BM are wearing this, my mom is wearing xxxx and my dad is wearing xxxx. If they come back with xxx doesn't own a suit then say, does he have some dress pants or some khaki's & button down shirt he can wear & he if he feels comfortable, he can always add a tie to dress that up. But you kind of have to wait for them to bring up the topic.

MandyMost

I had a similar issue. My now in-laws are just really, really casual people. REALLY casual. At my now-husband's law-school graduation everyone was dressed pretty nicely, at least business casual type attire. Men mostly had ties on, or at least dress shirts. My mom wore dress pants and a blouse, I wore a cute "work dress" and heels. No one told us how to dress, this is what we all just came up with on our own. His mom wore sneakers, baggy pleated khakis, and an old bright-colored windbreaker over a patterned turtleneck. And she never even seemed to notice she was totally out of place. 

So yes, I was worried about the wedding, and the rehearsal dinner (which was in a very nice restaurant). However, we totally solved the problem by shopping together. My, my mom, and my now mother-in-law went shopping together for their dresses for the wedding, "just for fun". You know how every department store's dress department is essentially casual/work/day dresses, and then formal/semi-formal dresses? Yeah, his mom had been only browsing the casual dresses half of the department while looking for dresses for the wedding. We were just like "Oh, that would be perfect for the rehearsal dinner" and guided her to the fancy dresses. Worked like a charm, and she passed the info on to her other family members. They all looked fantastic at the wedding. Now, for the record, she didn't wear a dress to the rehearsal dinner, but she did do much, much better than she had done for that law school graduation!

hyechica81

knotties correct me if i am wrong but i believe the only dress code you can put on your invites is if its black tie or if the venue has a specific dress code