It's NEVER OK To Ask A Woman If She's Pregnant

onefootinthebayou

Hello, 

Hoping to get backed up by the Etiquette experts here but I have a story to share.  If this prevents just one person from unintentionally hurting someone's feelings, it's worth it.  

I have a beloved relative who was recently diagnosed as Bipolar.  She's been an absolute hero dealing with it, holding a job, raising a small child, being a supportive wife, and facing it head on.  Her husband has been wonderful as well.  Of course, many medications for this disease cause rapid weight gain, sometimes as much as 12 pounds in a week or two.  

You WOULD NOT believe how many women (WOMEN!) who have asked her if she is expecting again.  I doubt all of these people are horrendously stupid/ignorant/both and probably think it's OK because she's a young woman with a small child.  In any case, it is so hurtful as she is already self-conscious due to the weight gain but it's a 1-2 punch as she & her husband have made the difficult decision not to have any more children due to the diagnosis.

In any case, just posting in case anyone, no matter how well you think you know someone, is thinking of asking this.  IMO, the ONLY time you can discuss a woman's pregnancy if she hasn't informed you of it is if you literally see the baby crowning out of her vagina.

Ettiquette leaders, please back me up?

KeptInStitches

I'll back you up and add that it's never OK to assume a woman is getting married because she's pregnant. (I'm not pregnant. Yes, someone made that assumption to my face. Thanks, it's a beer-and-wings-MNF baby.)

levioosa

Nope.  I'll also build on this and say that it's never okay to assume that people are grandparents.  I remember when I was about nine my Mom was at the gas station with me and my brother, and the cashier remarked how "cute her grandchildren" were.  It devastated her for a few days.  She was going through chemo and it was taking a toll on her physical appearance, so although it was a small remark, it really affected her with everything else she was going through. 

ETA: Also, people are choosing to have kids later on in life now.  There is nothing wrong with being an older parent. 

huskypuppy14

Of course you are correct. Some people have no respect for privacy. Even if she were pregnant, it wouldn't be these folk's business.

Some people need to be embarrassed for asking these questions.

lilacck28

UGH. Agree. This happened to me. It was the morning after FI"s cousin's wedding, we went downstairs for breakfast at the inn, and the firs thing the waitress said to me was "I see congratulations are in order!" or something to that effect. I mean, I was wearing an empire waist type shirt (that fiance always said he loved on me! I was wearing it when he proposed, too!).... but still. RUINED MY DAY. Made me so self conscious. 

JellyBean52513

KeptInStitches said:

I'll back you up and add that it's never OK to assume a woman is getting married because she's pregnant. (I'm not pregnant. Yes, someone made that assumption to my face. Thanks, it's a beer-and-wings-MNF baby.)

If I may piggyback off of this, the following assumption is NOT OK:
- "Are you married?"
- "No, not yet anyway!"
- "Oh ok, so you don't have to worry about having kids anytime soon then"

Ummmm ex-fucking-cuse me? Because only married women have to worry about having kids. I don't even have kids and I was offended for unmarried people who do. WTH?!

And yes, I agree that it's very crass to make comments towards someone about their unborn child/pregnancy if they are a perfect stranger or don't know for a fact that the person is pregnant. I'm sorry your relative is dealing with people's rudeness. If it helps at ALL, I guess just try to reframe it for her in such a way that points out ppl being curious because ppl generally love babies, not because ppl generally go around wanting explanations for sudden weight gain in others. If this is going to be an on-going concern, she can try saying something like "I'm actually not pregnant, just some medically-related weight gain." And if they press further she can say "I'd rather not discuss it, but thank you for your concern." And leave it at that. I understand that she might not be in a place where she can handle it that smoothly, definitely easier said than done, but just in case having an instaneous shield to deflect those comments/questions would help, there ya go

SP29

Agree with all the above. NEVER appropriate to ask- in fact, do not ask, wait until you are told. 

Sorry to hear your friend has to deal with this. Hopefully in time she can shrug it off. 

I've had some people at work as if I was pregnant. I work at a hospital, so lots of staff, lots of women on-off having children. But still. Um, no, I'm just getting chubby because it's that time of the month, I'm bloated AND I like cake. 

I do think people are generally just excited about babies. And I suppose the one benefit of being asked "are you pregnant?" versus, "wow, you've put a bit of weight on!" is that pregnant women are always beautiful . But still- it's a personal question that shouldn't be asked, as you never know what's going on for someone. 

[Deleted User]

JellyBean52513 said:

KeptInStitches said:

I'll back you up and add that it's never OK to assume a woman is getting married because she's pregnant. (I'm not pregnant. Yes, someone made that assumption to my face. Thanks, it's a beer-and-wings-MNF baby.)

If I may piggyback off of this, the following assumption is NOT OK:
- "Are you married?"
- "No, not yet anyway!"
- "Oh ok, so you don't have to worry about having kids anytime soon then"

Ummmm ex-fucking-cuse me? Because only married women have to worry about having kids. I don't even have kids and I was offended for unmarried people who do. WTH?!

And yes, I agree that it's very crass to make comments towards someone about their unborn child/pregnancy if they are a perfect stranger or don't know for a fact that the person is pregnant. I'm sorry your relative is dealing with people's rudeness. If it helps at ALL, I guess just try to reframe it for her in such a way that points out ppl being curious because ppl generally love babies, not because ppl generally go around wanting explanations for sudden weight gain in others. If this is going to be an on-going concern, she can try saying something like "I'm actually not pregnant, just some medically-related weight gain." And if they press further she can say "I'd rather not discuss it, but thank you for your concern." And leave it at that. I understand that she might not be in a place where she can handle it that smoothly, definitely easier said than done, but just in case having an instaneous shield to deflect those comments/questions would help, there ya go

Ugh.  I almost don't want to get married so I don't have to deal with all the, "so when are you having kids?" questions.  I've never wanted to get pregnant.  I've considered adoption, but I've recently decided that I think I prefer selfishness to kids.  I LIKE sleeping in on Saturdays.  I LIKE not having to rush home after work to grab a kid from daycare.  I LIKE not having to clean for days because I don't care if a tiny person finds dust bunnies to eat.

loveislouder

My boss asked a client if she was pregnant the other day and after she left I gave him serious shit about it. I was like YOU NEVER DO THAT!! His response: But she was pregnant! That does NOT matter my friend.

blabla89

Never appropriate. Ever. I'll add to that that it generally isn't appropriate to ask questions about a woman's pregnancy either (unless you're really close and the woman has opened up with you about it first).

One of my work clients was already showing when she lost her pregnancy. Very shortly after that, she had to go to an event where she saw many longtime family friends, business colleagues and acquaintances. People kept asking her when she was due, how the pregnancy was going, etc. I can't imagine how awful that must have been.

southernbelle0915

onefootinthebayou

Here's another scenario which I was actually present for that was less offensive, but still not OK.

3 of us, best friends, grew up together, thick as thieves, got together on an afternoon for some wine & chit-chat. Friend #1 declines the wine, just has water. Friend #2 blurts out w/o thinking, "OMG are you pregnant?!" I have to admit the thought crossed my mind but I stopped myself. Friend #1 smiles sheepishly, admits to being pregnant, we all squee, you know how it goes. We are all still best friends, no one at least was outwardly upset but here's the thing: she had JUST found out like the day before, it was brand new so certainly too early to announce, her family didn't even know, etc. Point is, friend #2 unknowingly put pregnant friend in awkward position of either prematurely announcing to us and hoping we wouldn't spill the beans (which of course we didn't) or lying to us. Further, I would imagine she would have wanted to tell her family first and that moment was taken from her by an excited, well meaning, question, which as this thread proves, SHOULD NEVER BE ASKED.

Thank you for the comments, it's unfortunate to hear so many of you have either witnessed or been the subject of this!!

onefootinthebayou

levioosa said:

Nope.  I'll also build on this and say that it's never okay to assume that people are grandparents.  I remember when I was about nine my Mom was at the gas station with me and my brother, and the cashier remarked how "cute her grandchildren" were.  It devastated her for a few days.  She was going through chemo and it was taking a toll on her physical appearance, so although it was a small remark, it really affected her with everything else she was going through. 

ETA: Also, people are choosing to have kids later on in life now.  There is nothing wrong with being an older parent. 

Fi told me this happened to FMIL when he was young. DEVASTATED her.

I have a cardiologist friend who posted on FB just today "If medicine teaches you anything it's that you have know idea of the burdens some people bear".

mikenberger

It is not okay to touch their bellies. Pregnant or not. 

(This has happened to me.)

ETA: What in the actual FUCK was I creating with that sentence??

southernbelle0915

mikenberger said:

It is okay never to touch their bellies. Pregnant or not. 

(This has happened to me.)

Someone already tried to do this to me. I'm 13 weeks and I do not look pregnant at all. I dodged by physically moving and awkwardly making a joke about not being a lucky buddha.

WHY do people think this is ok? It wasn't ok for anyone to touch my stomach before and it's not ok now. 

Fran1985

Here's another scenario which I was actually present for that was less offensive, but still not OK. 3 of us, best friends, grew up together, thick as thieves, got together on an afternoon for some wine & chit-chat. Friend #1 declines the wine, just has water. Friend #2 blurts out w/o thinking, "OMG are you pregnant?!" I have to admit the thought crossed my mind but I stopped myself. Friend #1 smiles sheepishly, admits to being pregnant, we all squee, you know how it goes. We are all still best friends, no one at least was outwardly upset but here's the thing: she had JUST found out like the day before, it was brand new so certainly too early to announce, her family didn't even know, etc. Point is, friend #2 unknowingly put pregnant friend in awkward position of either prematurely announcing to us and hoping we wouldn't spill the beans (which of course we didn't) or lying to us. Further, I would imagine she would have wanted to tell her family first and that moment was taken from her by an excited, well meaning, question, which as this thread proves, SHOULD NEVER BE ASKED. Thank you for the comments, it's unfortunate to hear so many of you have either witnessed or been the subject of this!!

Yup. Asking is a lose lose question. Either 1) they aren't pregnant, and you have embarassed yourself and made her feel bad, or 2) she is pregnant, but for whatever reason has decided not to tell you yet, and you have embarassed yourself and made her feel bad.

If we are talking about a random stranger the 2) is she has decided not to tell you because you are a random stranger. If you wouldn't go up to random people on the train and ask "Do you have children" (which no one does) don't go up to a woman and ask her if she is in the process of making one.

KatieinBkln

Never okay.

In general, making comments about a person's physical appearance is never okay. Even compliments can get a little squicky sometimes. I'm trying to train myself to focus my compliments on something the person chose--their cute top or awesome hairstyle or great lip color. Even stuff that you might think is a nice thing to say ("You look so thin!" "I wish I had big boobs") can be hurtful. We can never know someone's situation from the outside.

SP29

@Fran1985, I had someone ask me once if I had children! I was in the mall and a sales person asked if I had kids. I said NO! somewhat shocked. She asked how old I was (26). And then said, "Oh, no you look young, but you look like you're a very busy lady". Ouch.

I did look like crap that day- was super tired and had bags under my eyes, but gee thanks for pointing it out- like I can't tell EVERY time I look in the mirror! 

SCbride007

mikenberger said:

It is okay never to touch their bellies. Pregnant or not. 

(This has happened to me.)

I had a sales lady at New York and Company tell me how cute I looked and I had "the glow" before proceeding to rub my stomach. Ummm I just came into a non maternity store, I'm not pregnant and you are a stranger!

I didn't correct her I just made her super uncomfortable and made a big show of pulling my cigarettes out of my purse on my way out.

onefootinthebayou

KatieinBkln said:

Never okay.

In general, making comments about a person's physical appearance is never okay. Even compliments can get a little squicky sometimes. I'm trying to train myself to focus my compliments on something the person chose--their cute top or awesome hairstyle or great lip color. Even stuff that you might think is a nice thing to say ("You look so thin!" "I wish I had big boobs") can be hurtful. We can never know someone's situation from the outside.

Uh, yeah. Every time I've heard someone say to another they look like they've lost weight or ask if they've lost weight, whether they have or have not, I always see that uncomfortable micro expression on the person being asked. It never goes well.

Of course, I love it when when of my bolder pals responds to that with, "what, did I look fat before or something?!", a response that hopefully reminds the asker, "You'd better check yourself before you wreck yourself"...

chloe97

Ugh- 100% agree, but can I add that it can be ANY comment or question that could in anyway insinuate that the person thinks you are pregnant?.

Last year, I was about 10-15 lbs heavier than I had ever been and had just gotten back from a trip to an all-inclusive in Mexico when a coworker I only see once in awhile asked me "How are you feeling?" I answered "Oh fine, managed to escape the bugs going around this year." He looked at me weirdly and walked away. 

Thinking about it 15 minutes later, I mentioned it to my boss (who hates this guy) that it was weird that he had asked me that question. My boss immediately got pissed off up and talked about going to HR about his comment on my weight gain. It hadn't even seriously occurred to me that he was assuming I was pregnant because of my weight gain. If only my boss would have just blown it off as a stupid misunderstanding and not taken it as a rip on my weight gain, I would have been far less upset. 

[Deleted User]

This happen to me about a month ago and promptly told the person "no, I'm just fat."  

This was someone I work with and now I can't look her in the eye.    I've had others say I have the "glow."  I tell them it's just because I take great care of my skin.    

blabla89

onefootinthebayou said:

KatieinBkln said:

Never okay.

In general, making comments about a person's physical appearance is never okay. Even compliments can get a little squicky sometimes. I'm trying to train myself to focus my compliments on something the person chose--their cute top or awesome hairstyle or great lip color. Even stuff that you might think is a nice thing to say ("You look so thin!" "I wish I had big boobs") can be hurtful. We can never know someone's situation from the outside.

Uh, yeah. Every time I've heard someone say to another they look like they've lost weight or ask if they've lost weight, whether they have or have not, I always see that uncomfortable micro expression on the person being asked. It never goes well.

Of course, I love it when when of my bolder pals responds to that with, "what, did I look fat before or something?!", a response that hopefully reminds the asker, "You'd better check yourself before you wreck yourself"...

Ugh, FI does this to me sometimes, and it's usually when I haven't noticed any weight loss. I think he's sincerely trying to show that he notices I'm making an effort to eat better and exercise more, but it makes me wonder if he's so quick to notice every time I gain a little bit.

laceykeo

(Stolen from an ex-reg)

"So, now you're married... When are you making the babies?"

"Funny, H and I just decided the other night: we'll start trying one year after the last person asks. Thanks for resetting the clock ".


You never know what's going on with other people. Maybe they're about to go for fertility treatment/just found out they can't have fertility treatment/will never have kids/just had a miscarriage/goodness knows what else.

If they haven't told you they're pregnant, they either aren't, or don't want you to know yet.

/rant.

[Deleted User]

laceykeo said:

(Stolen from an ex-reg)

"So, now you're married... When are you making the babies?"

"Funny, H and I just decided the other night: we'll start trying one year after the last person asks. Thanks for resetting the clock ".


You never know what's going on with other people. Maybe they're about to go for fertility treatment/just found out they can't have fertility treatment/will never have kids/just had a miscarriage/goodness knows what else.

If they haven't told you they're pregnant, they either aren't, or don't want you to know yet.

/rant.

Gawd, I am SOOOO using that!  Eventually they'll realize that I'm too old to have kids and it might just be rude to ask.  Though I'm such a fucking drama whore that if they ask when we'll be making the babies, I'd probably just fake cry, scream that I've been to the doctor and am peri-menopausal, and can't have any fucking kids and thanks for reminding me.  I'm pretty sure you'd only have to do that once before word got around.

bethsmiles

I can't believe this still happens. What the hell is wrong with people!

Also, not really offensive but people always assume any small children near me are mine. Like the other day I was in the library reading a book and some kids were playing near me. I was paying zero attention to these kids and this lady comes up to me and tells me how cute my daughters are. I just gave her a look like WTF are you talking about?! This happens to me all the time, I don't really know what to make of it. But it's definitely better than someone asking if I'm pregnant.

madamerwin

laceykeo said:(Stolen from an ex-reg)

"So, now you're married... When are you making the babies?"

"Funny, H and I just decided the other night: we'll start trying one year after the last person asks. Thanks for resetting the clock ".


You never know what's going on with other people. Maybe they're about to go for fertility treatment/just found out they can't have fertility treatment/will never have kids/just had a miscarriage/goodness knows what else.

If they haven't told you they're pregnant, they either aren't, or don't want you to know yet.

/rant.
------BOXES--------

I'm sick of people asking me when we will have kids/telling me that they can't wait for us to have kids... Even close friends and family, who know that we will have to go through IVF still ask when we are having kids, or tell me that we should have kids already. Thanks for the reminder that it's not going to be that easy for us.

ETF words

JoanE2012

I never ask a woman if she's pregnant.  Even if I KNOW she's pregnant (from other people telling me or overhearing it), I will still never mention anything about it until she tells me.

WinstonsGirl

My rule is that even if she in the delivery room, feet in stirrups and the head is crowning, you still don't ask if she's pregnant.  

sunset30

I agree, especially if there is any uncertainty, that it is not polite to ask a woman if she's pregnant or to make comments to someone who isn't pregnant about becoming pregnant since you don't know their circumstances.  

Given the responses above, though, this will be an UO. I'm nine months pregnant now. I am (when not pregnant) a thin person; and now just look like a normal person with a huge basketball under my shirt, so its totally obvious I'm very pregnant. I actually think it's pretty nice and it makes my day when I'm so uncomfortable and ready to have this baby that strangers see me and go out of their way to hold doors or elevators for me when they see me slowly waddling down the hall, let me on the bus first or kindly ask with a smile how I'm feeling or offer up a non-judgmental anecdote about how they are happy for me because they remember how exciting it was when they had kids.  

Clearly not everyone has a baby in happy circumstances; however, I do think it's nice when people try to say or do something nice for someone who is obviously pregnant. I think that people generally are doing it in a way that they're happy or excited for someone who is pregnant and want to wish them well. 

Though again, I would say its better to err on the side of caution and if there is ambiguity not to say anything at all. 

JCbride2015

sunset30 said:

I agree, especially if there is any uncertainty, that it is not polite to ask a woman if she's pregnant or to make comments to someone who isn't pregnant about becoming pregnant since you don't know their circumstances.  

Given the responses above, though, this will be an UO. I'm nine months pregnant now. I am (when not pregnant) a thin person; and now just look like a normal person with a huge basketball under my shirt, so its totally obvious I'm very pregnant. I actually think it's pretty nice and it makes my day when I'm so uncomfortable and ready to have this baby that strangers see me and go out of their way to hold doors or elevators for me when they see me slowly waddling down the hall, let me on the bus first or kindly ask with a smile how I'm feeling or offer up a non-judgmental anecdote about how they are happy for me because they remember how exciting it was when they had kids.  

Clearly not everyone has a baby in happy circumstances; however, I do think it's nice when people try to say or do something nice for someone who is obviously pregnant. I think that people generally are doing it in a way that they're happy or excited for someone who is pregnant and want to wish them well. 

Though again, I would say its better to err on the side of caution and if there is ambiguity not to say anything at all. 

I just had this conversation with a pregnant (now momma!) friend.  We work in New York City where it is common courtesy to offer your subway seat to the elderly, disabled, and pregnant women.  She said sometimes people are really awkward about offering their seats (or not) but mostly she's just grateful.

I often feel a little awkward about offering outright because I don't want to insinuate I think you're pregnant or old or feeble or whatever.  I also frequently offer my seat to people with young children, which is less awkward.

My solution: I try to make some eye contact with the person, and just get up and stand to the side.  Same thing with holding doors or whatever.  Just do the nice thing.  No need to discuss why.