Give me your thoughts on Wedding Wishes Quilt, & including uninvited family and friends?

Trillianne

Fiancé and I have lived together and known each other for a rather long time and are older (37) and living together.  We both live very far from our families. (1000+ miles away)

We are planning a small (>20 guests) wedding, inviting our parents and a few of our closest friends to attend near our home with a more formal dinner reception.  

I'd like to include a fabric square with my wedding announcements to go out to my family and friends after the wedding asking them to send in their wedding wishes to be made up into a quilt. (I quilt as a hobby).  And include our wedding website address where they can see photos and additional information on the quilt project. 

What are your thoughts on this?

ChemFanatic25

Knottie37676770 said:

Fiancé and I have lived together and known each other for a rather long time and are older (37) and living together.  We both live very far from our families. (1000+ miles away)

We are planning a small (>20 guests) wedding, inviting our parents and a few of our closest friends to attend near our home with a more formal dinner reception.  

I'd like to include a fabric square with my wedding announcements to go out to my family and friends after the wedding asking them to send in their wedding wishes to be made up into a quilt. (I quilt as a hobby).  And include our wedding website address where they can see photos and additional information on the quilt project. 

What are your thoughts on this?

Boy that's actually a really good question. You don't send out wedding announcements before a wedding to people who aren't invited because it's like rubbing it in their faces and looks gift grabby. I actually don't know about after the wedding though in terms of etiquette. I'm curious what everyone will say.

lovegood90

I would only send this to people invited to the wedding.

Jen4948

I wouldn't. Given that you're not inviting them to the wedding, it comes across poorly to ask them for anything.

Trillianne

For the two of you that have expressed that you think this is a bad idea, what if the information about the quilt and a note that they can ask for a fabric square on the website be more acceptable or the same?

lovegood90

Trillianne said:

For the two of you that have expressed that you think this is a bad idea, what if the information about the quilt and a note that they can ask for a fabric square on the website be more acceptable or the same?

Other than formal wedding announcements after the wedding if you plan to do them, I don't think it's appropriate to send any news, info, etc. that is wedding related to non-wedding guests.

Jen4948

Trillianne said:

For the two of you that have expressed that you think this is a bad idea, what if the information about the quilt and a note that they can ask for a fabric square on the website be more acceptable or the same?

No. How the information is conveyed is irrelevant. It's not appropriate, period-especially since these people are not invited to your wedding.

MyNameIsNot

Having fabric pieces for a guest book at the actual wedding would work well.

It's not appropriate to ask people who aren't invited to the wedding to participate in this sort of thing. Remember, the point of a wedding announcement is to let people know you are married. It's not to show off the event that you had without them or to ask them to "participate" in your marriage.

novella1186

This doesn't sound like a good idea. Just have the wedding guests sign a fabric square and leave it at that. I would be confused and probably a little annoyed if I received something in the mail that I needed to write a message on and send back for a wedding I wasn't even invited to in the first place. 

littlepep

Definitely agree with PPs that it's not appropriate to send to anyone who isn't invited to the wedding. 

I also wouldn't put it on a website either. I'm not sure you even really need a wedding website since your wedding is fewer than 20 people, but I digress. If people happen to hear about your quilt via word-of-mouth and inquire to you personally, I think it's ok to send them. It's not something I would specifically spread around the grapevine, but if your mom/grandmom/whoever mentions it to another family member who then asks you, I think it's ok. 

novella1186

Wait, isn't the point of such a quilt to act as a sort of guest book for the people who actually attended the wedding? 

artbyallie

Have people write on the fabric squares at the wedding. Yes, this means only the ones that attend may contribute, but maybe some of them might like to write more than one. Supplement those squares with squares in your wedding colors or just your favorite colors or whatever. Include a square or squares made from your wedding dress if that appeals to you. Do not solicit your friends and family to help with your project when they are not invited to the event it is meant to commemorate.

poodledoodleooo

it seems a little odd that you'd want non-guests to sign what is essentially a wedding guestbook. Asking to be "wished" anything is kinda rude, too. Like you don't go around asking people to wish you a happy birthday.

thisismynickname2

I'm going to have a dissenting opinion.

You're having a tiny wedding. It would be really different, to me, if you had a 100 person wedding and sent announcements to an additional 150 asking to contribute to their project. 

If people know that you quilt as a hobby, I may presume that other friends of yours are also really into quilting? Maybe they'd be into this idea.  If someone I knew had a tiny wedding, I'd be inclined to send a card anyway, and sending a quilt square is more interesting than a card.

Also, maybe a "well wishes" square is AWish, but reframing it like "something that represents you" so you can have a quilt built by all your family and friends- that may go over better.

By virtue of this being a tiny wedding, I'm voting "know your crowd." 

I think the etiquette lines are drawn by a) you shouldn't ask for gifts and b) having people participate in wedding stuff that aren't invited to the wedding is crass. 

lovegood90

thisismynickname said:

I'm going to have a dissenting opinion.

You're having a tiny wedding. It would be really different, to me, if you had a 100 person wedding and sent announcements to an additional 150 asking to contribute to their project. 

If people know that you quilt as a hobby, I may presume that other friends of yours are also really into quilting? Maybe they'd be into this idea.  If someone I knew had a tiny wedding, I'd be inclined to send a card anyway, and sending a quilt square is more interesting than a card.

Also, maybe a "well wishes" square is AWish, but reframing it like "something that represents you" so you can have a quilt built by all your family and friends- that may go over better.

By virtue of this being a tiny wedding, I'm voting "know your crowd." 

I think the etiquette lines are drawn by a) you shouldn't ask for gifts and b) having people participate in wedding stuff that aren't invited to the wedding is crass. 

Nope. It doesn't matter whether her wedding has 2 people or 200. Soliciting well wishes, or sending any kind of wedding related information/solicitations to people not even invited to the wedding is just rude.

thisismynickname2

lovegood90 said:

thisismynickname said:

I'm going to have a dissenting opinion.

You're having a tiny wedding. It would be really different, to me, if you had a 100 person wedding and sent announcements to an additional 150 asking to contribute to their project. 

If people know that you quilt as a hobby, I may presume that other friends of yours are also really into quilting? Maybe they'd be into this idea.  If someone I knew had a tiny wedding, I'd be inclined to send a card anyway, and sending a quilt square is more interesting than a card.

Also, maybe a "well wishes" square is AWish, but reframing it like "something that represents you" so you can have a quilt built by all your family and friends- that may go over better.

By virtue of this being a tiny wedding, I'm voting "know your crowd." 

I think the etiquette lines are drawn by a) you shouldn't ask for gifts and b) having people participate in wedding stuff that aren't invited to the wedding is crass. 

Nope. It doesn't matter whether her wedding has 2 people or 200. Soliciting well wishes, or sending any kind of wedding related information/solicitations to people not even invited to the wedding is just rude.

My line of thinking was also that announcements go out after the wedding. Doing this before, definitely crass. 

redoryx

thisismynickname said:

lovegood90 said:

thisismynickname said:

I'm going to have a dissenting opinion.

You're having a tiny wedding. It would be really different, to me, if you had a 100 person wedding and sent announcements to an additional 150 asking to contribute to their project. 

If people know that you quilt as a hobby, I may presume that other friends of yours are also really into quilting? Maybe they'd be into this idea.  If someone I knew had a tiny wedding, I'd be inclined to send a card anyway, and sending a quilt square is more interesting than a card.

Also, maybe a "well wishes" square is AWish, but reframing it like "something that represents you" so you can have a quilt built by all your family and friends- that may go over better.

By virtue of this being a tiny wedding, I'm voting "know your crowd." 

I think the etiquette lines are drawn by a) you shouldn't ask for gifts and b) having people participate in wedding stuff that aren't invited to the wedding is crass. 

Nope. It doesn't matter whether her wedding has 2 people or 200. Soliciting well wishes, or sending any kind of wedding related information/solicitations to people not even invited to the wedding is just rude.

My line of thinking was also that announcements go out after the wedding. Doing this before, definitely crass. 

But an announcement is just that -- an announcement. Nothing is expected or required on the part of the person receiving said announcement. 

With this, there is a sort of unspoken obligation to write well wishes and mail it back to a couple regarding event they weren't even invited to. And if you don't participate, well, then, you're that one Debby Downer who didn't send it back. 

novella1186

redoryx said:

thisismynickname said:

lovegood90 said:

thisismynickname said:

I'm going to have a dissenting opinion.

You're having a tiny wedding. It would be really different, to me, if you had a 100 person wedding and sent announcements to an additional 150 asking to contribute to their project. 

If people know that you quilt as a hobby, I may presume that other friends of yours are also really into quilting? Maybe they'd be into this idea.  If someone I knew had a tiny wedding, I'd be inclined to send a card anyway, and sending a quilt square is more interesting than a card.

Also, maybe a "well wishes" square is AWish, but reframing it like "something that represents you" so you can have a quilt built by all your family and friends- that may go over better.

By virtue of this being a tiny wedding, I'm voting "know your crowd." 

I think the etiquette lines are drawn by a) you shouldn't ask for gifts and b) having people participate in wedding stuff that aren't invited to the wedding is crass. 

Nope. It doesn't matter whether her wedding has 2 people or 200. Soliciting well wishes, or sending any kind of wedding related information/solicitations to people not even invited to the wedding is just rude.

My line of thinking was also that announcements go out after the wedding. Doing this before, definitely crass. 

But an announcement is just that -- an announcement. Nothing is expected or required on the part of the person receiving said announcement. 

With this, there is a sort of unspoken obligation to write well wishes and mail it back to a couple regarding event they weren't even invited to. And if you don't participate, well, then, you're that one Debby Downer who didn't send it back. 

thisismynickname was going with it. 

I think it would work if OP completely removed the wedding from the equation. Like if she sent out fabric squares and just asked people to write something that represented them, so that she could put together a quilt for her and her new husband to have in their home, totally cool. But not "write wedding well-wishes to us!" or "this is for our wedding!" --none of that. 

Trillianne

There was no intent on sending announcements prior to the wedding. I am not sure where that idea came from.

This idea was solely from a desire to include siblings/grandparents.  I am not inviting them to the wedding primarily because asking them to spend hundreds of dollars to be there (reality) when their financial situation or ability to travel would prevent or seriously impact their ability to attend. 

Trillianne

I realize people using their wedding website in various ways, my wedding website plan is more a way to share photos and bits of information with family living far away.  Neither of us Facebook, and being able to pull up photos on a laptop/tablet or having a place your aunts and great aunts can look over photos has its advantages. 

redoryx

Trillianne said:

There was no intent on sending announcements prior to the wedding. I am not sure where that idea came from.

This idea was solely from a desire to include siblings/grandparents.  I am not inviting them to the wedding primarily because asking them to spend hundreds of dollars to be there (reality) when their financial situation or ability to travel would prevent or seriously impact their ability to attend. 

That......seems like an odd reason not to invite someone. If they can't come, they can't come. An invitation is not a summons.

BrandNewJ

Trillianne said:

There was no intent on sending announcements prior to the wedding. I am not sure where that idea came from.

This idea was solely from a desire to include siblings/grandparents.  I am not inviting them to the wedding primarily because asking them to spend hundreds of dollars to be there (reality) when their financial situation or ability to travel would prevent or seriously impact their ability to attend. 

I'm sorry, but this really rubs me the wrong way. If you want to invite them, you should and let them decide their financial situation. I understand that you're trying to be considerate, but if I were your sibling and found out this was the reason I wasn't invited I would be extremely hurt.

Trillianne

redoryx said:

Trillianne said:

There was no intent on sending announcements prior to the wedding. I am not sure where that idea came from.

This idea was solely from a desire to include siblings/grandparents.  I am not inviting them to the wedding primarily because asking them to spend hundreds of dollars to be there (reality) when their financial situation or ability to travel would prevent or seriously impact their ability to attend. 

That......seems like an odd reason not to invite someone. If they can't come, they can't come. An invitation is not a summons.

Yes, i will admit it is not a common reason, but I also know a bit more about the situation, and I am not all that eager to share the family situation in a "let's get the popcorn, this is gonna be good!" detail.

There are family dynamics that involve inviting additional people based on relationships (ie how to invite sibling A, but not sibling B ) and how much certain people would feel obligated to try to attend that come into play.  And the rather unspoken expectation that many people have about sending a gift if they are invited.

The wedding is parents and some very close friends (friends which don't have to travel).  We aren't having additional showers or parties.  

Trillianne

BrandNewJ said:

Trillianne said:

There was no intent on sending announcements prior to the wedding. I am not sure where that idea came from.

This idea was solely from a desire to include siblings/grandparents.  I am not inviting them to the wedding primarily because asking them to spend hundreds of dollars to be there (reality) when their financial situation or ability to travel would prevent or seriously impact their ability to attend. 

I'm sorry, but this really rubs me the wrong way. If you want to invite them, you should and let them decide their financial situation. I understand that you're trying to be considerate, but if I were your sibling and found out this was the reason I wasn't invited I would be extremely hurt.

This wasn't the only reason, just one of the reasons.  Let's just say there are lots of emotions about family which made a courthouse wedding a serious contender.  

justsie

If you are not inviting them to the wedding, do not ask them to participate in any aspect of the wedding, well wishes quilt included, would be my thoughts. 

southernbelle0915

I wouldn't do this. These people aren't invited to the wedding - your choice btw. I would feel odd and crappy receiving a request like this. "Hi, you're not invited to our wedding, but here, take time to give us well wishes and send this back." Its like sending out a blank greeting card and saying "wish me good luck/congratulations/happy birthday!!"

Maybe they'll send you a card and you can scrapbook those.

MobKaz

Trillianne said:

I realize people using their wedding website in various ways, my wedding website plan is more a way to share photos and bits of information with family living far away.  Neither of us Facebook, and being able to pull up photos on a laptop/tablet or having a place your aunts and great aunts can look over photos has its advantages. 

There are many other "sharing" websites beyond Facebook and wedding websites.  My daughter has a group photo album on The Cloud that is by invitation only, to ensure privacy.  It allows us to share photos and allows us to comment. That might be a more neutral way to share your lives without being wedding specific.

Trillianne

MobKaz said:

Trillianne said:

I realize people using their wedding website in various ways, my wedding website plan is more a way to share photos and bits of information with family living far away.  Neither of us Facebook, and being able to pull up photos on a laptop/tablet or having a place your aunts and great aunts can look over photos has its advantages. 

There are many other "sharing" websites beyond Facebook and wedding websites.  My daughter has a group photo album on The Cloud that is by invitation only, to ensure privacy.  It allows us to share photos and allows us to comment. That might be a more neutral way to share your lives without being wedding specific.

Perhaps there is a misunderstanding.  To me, a wedding website, is any website made by any person that has any details about a wedding.  Meaning that if you post a photo album someplace called "my wedding" you have made a wedding website. 

I do realize there are third party sites that host pre-built website themes for weddings, but that is not what I was talking about. I am talking about a section of a personal website that is particular to our wedding.  Sharing in the same way I would share the information and photos on a trip or an event, or information on what I am up to.  "Wedding" is just a section like "Trip to Destination" or "Christmas" 

So I'm not really seeing the difference between what you are suggesting and what I am planning, other than I'm not relying on another entity. 

MobKaz

Trillianne said:

MobKaz said:

Trillianne said:

I realize people using their wedding website in various ways, my wedding website plan is more a way to share photos and bits of information with family living far away.  Neither of us Facebook, and being able to pull up photos on a laptop/tablet or having a place your aunts and great aunts can look over photos has its advantages. 

There are many other "sharing" websites beyond Facebook and wedding websites.  My daughter has a group photo album on The Cloud that is by invitation only, to ensure privacy.  It allows us to share photos and allows us to comment. That might be a more neutral way to share your lives without being wedding specific.

Perhaps there is a misunderstanding.  To me, a wedding website, is any website made by any person that has any details about a wedding.  Meaning that if you post a photo album someplace called "my wedding" you have made a wedding website. 

I do realize there are third party sites that host pre-built website themes for weddings, but that is not what I was talking about. I am talking about a section of a personal website that is particular to our wedding.  Sharing in the same way I would share the information and photos on a trip or an event, or information on what I am up to.  "Wedding" is just a section like "Trip to Destination" or "Christmas" 

So I'm not really seeing the difference between what you are suggesting and what I am planning, other than I'm not relying on another entity. 

In your original post, you said, "I'd like to include a fabric square with my wedding announcements to go
out to my family and friends after the wedding asking them to send in
their wedding wishes to be made up into a quilt. (I quilt as a hobby).
 And include our wedding website address where they can see photos and
additional information on the quilt project."

You referenced a WEDDING website more than once.  Posters questioned the need for a wedding specific website when having such a small wedding.  When wedding websites are referenced on these boards, it typically implies a site that delineates all details about a wedding, such as time, place, wedding party, travel information.....ALL particulars specific to your wedding.  From that perspective, it sounded crass to refer non-invited guests to a website detailing the events to which they are not included.  Some posters suggested that perhaps if the quilt squares were sent in a non-wedding related manner, it would be more palatable and less impolite.  Hence, the suggestion to create a more neutral, non-wedding related website.

Trillianne

MobKaz said:

Trillianne said:

MobKaz said:

Trillianne said:

I realize people using their wedding website in various ways, my wedding website plan is more a way to share photos and bits of information with family living far away.  Neither of us Facebook, and being able to pull up photos on a laptop/tablet or having a place your aunts and great aunts can look over photos has its advantages. 

There are many other "sharing" websites beyond Facebook and wedding websites.  My daughter has a group photo album on The Cloud that is by invitation only, to ensure privacy.  It allows us to share photos and allows us to comment. That might be a more neutral way to share your lives without being wedding specific.

Perhaps there is a misunderstanding.  To me, a wedding website, is any website made by any person that has any details about a wedding.  Meaning that if you post a photo album someplace called "my wedding" you have made a wedding website. 

I do realize there are third party sites that host pre-built website themes for weddings, but that is not what I was talking about. I am talking about a section of a personal website that is particular to our wedding.  Sharing in the same way I would share the information and photos on a trip or an event, or information on what I am up to.  "Wedding" is just a section like "Trip to Destination" or "Christmas" 

So I'm not really seeing the difference between what you are suggesting and what I am planning, other than I'm not relying on another entity. 

In your original post, you said, "I'd like to include a fabric square with my wedding announcements to go
out to my family and friends after the wedding asking them to send in
their wedding wishes to be made up into a quilt. (I quilt as a hobby).
 And include our wedding website address where they can see photos and
additional information on the quilt project."

You referenced a WEDDING website more than once.  Posters questioned the need for a wedding specific website when having such a small wedding.  When wedding websites are referenced on these boards, it typically implies a site that delineates all details about a wedding, such as time, place, wedding party, travel information.....ALL particulars specific to your wedding.  From that perspective, it sounded crass to refer non-invited guests to a website detailing the events to which they are not included.  Some posters suggested that perhaps if the quilt squares were sent in a non-wedding related manner, it would be more palatable and less impolite.  Hence, the suggestion to create a more neutral, non-wedding related website.

I am sure the misunderstanding is entirely on my part as I haven't delved into the specifics of some of the other wedding websites options so I'm not entirely sure what actual differences there are between them.  

At what point is the line between "this is acceptable sharing of information" and "this is taboo"? Which is why I was asking for the feedback in the first place. The overwhelming response has been negative.  

ChemFanatic25

Trillianne said:

MobKaz said:

Trillianne said:

MobKaz said:

Trillianne said:

I realize people using their wedding website in various ways, my wedding website plan is more a way to share photos and bits of information with family living far away.  Neither of us Facebook, and being able to pull up photos on a laptop/tablet or having a place your aunts and great aunts can look over photos has its advantages. 

There are many other "sharing" websites beyond Facebook and wedding websites.  My daughter has a group photo album on The Cloud that is by invitation only, to ensure privacy.  It allows us to share photos and allows us to comment. That might be a more neutral way to share your lives without being wedding specific.

Perhaps there is a misunderstanding.  To me, a wedding website, is any website made by any person that has any details about a wedding.  Meaning that if you post a photo album someplace called "my wedding" you have made a wedding website. 

I do realize there are third party sites that host pre-built website themes for weddings, but that is not what I was talking about. I am talking about a section of a personal website that is particular to our wedding.  Sharing in the same way I would share the information and photos on a trip or an event, or information on what I am up to.  "Wedding" is just a section like "Trip to Destination" or "Christmas" 

So I'm not really seeing the difference between what you are suggesting and what I am planning, other than I'm not relying on another entity. 

In your original post, you said, "I'd like to include a fabric square with my wedding announcements to go
out to my family and friends after the wedding asking them to send in
their wedding wishes to be made up into a quilt. (I quilt as a hobby).
 And include our wedding website address where they can see photos and
additional information on the quilt project."

You referenced a WEDDING website more than once.  Posters questioned the need for a wedding specific website when having such a small wedding.  When wedding websites are referenced on these boards, it typically implies a site that delineates all details about a wedding, such as time, place, wedding party, travel information.....ALL particulars specific to your wedding.  From that perspective, it sounded crass to refer non-invited guests to a website detailing the events to which they are not included.  Some posters suggested that perhaps if the quilt squares were sent in a non-wedding related manner, it would be more palatable and less impolite.  Hence, the suggestion to create a more neutral, non-wedding related website.

I am sure the misunderstanding is entirely on my part as I haven't delved into the specifics of some of the other wedding websites options so I'm not entirely sure what actual differences there are between them.  

At what point is the line between "this is acceptable sharing of information" and "this is taboo"? Which is why I was asking for the feedback in the first place. The overwhelming response has been negative.  

It sounds like a bad response because you made the decision for people about who could attend or not based on their financial situation. If you had just said "I want a small wedding," okay, no big deal. But you didn't give anybody that you may have wanted to invite a chance to say yes or no. That rubs people the wrong way because I am assuming your guests are adults and you should treat them as such, not as children and make decisions for them.

 

In the case of the wedding website, eh, it's a wedding website so you can share your photos. I wouldn't make mention of it unless someone asks if they can see the photos. Normally wedding websites have different features you won't see on Facebook or twitter or whatever share group they have these days. One of those features is a registry. Unless you didn't fill out the registry, it looks pretty gift-grabby even if that isn't your intention. Know what I mean?

 

In terms of the quilt, I understand you want a small wedding. I say, after reading more and understanding more, if you want well wishes, wait until after the wedding and don't include the wedding website unless someone asks (see reason above). Also, I would word it a little differently. Maybe, "My husband and I are building a quilt to represent the beginning of our lives. Could you put something no this quilt square that you believe best represents us?" (or better wording) without making mention of the wedding. It's more polite.