Bridesmaid Wants Out

moorewedding530

So I asked my best friend since freshman year of college to be in my wedding - a normal thing to do, right? She told me a long time ago she assumed she'd be in it, and in August I asked her. She said yes.

To keep costs down for my girls, I let them choose their own dresses with only length and color criteria, am providing their jewelry, and gave them a variety of options for shoes. 

Since we're three months out, I just let the girls know that I'd be texting them next week to see what their plan was for their dress. Nothing major, just was wondering what they were thinking (even if it was to get the dress the week of. Whatever.) 

This particular friend texted me yesterday and said "Hey, I saw your post and I don't have the money for a dress and won't for a while. Do you still want me in the wedding?" Of course I want her to be in it. Frustrated, I reminded her that I was not expecting a large sum of money and she'd known about this for at least 8 months. She constantly posts about how she's going out with friends for dinner and drinks and bought a new car - which is awesome and none of my business, but frustrating when I don't expect anything but a cheap coral dress. But, I don't want her to worry about it so I offered to pay for it and she could pay me back when she has money. When I mentioned that I could help, she said "it's not just the dress, it's the hotel room, too." So, I offered to let her and her boyfriend stay at my house which is a reasonable drive from the church. When I offered this, she told me she didn't want to impose on anyone. How could she be imposing if I'm the one offering? The conversation continued and all I got was more excuses. She then said "I just don't feel as close as friends since you moved out." I moved out 3 months ago to a city an hour away. We're both in student teaching and have jobs. I thought our friendship was strong enough to stand some distance and time apart, but apparently not. 

At this point, I have no idea what to do. I've offered everything I can. I've told her repeatedly I want her in it and I'm trying to help her. She just keeps saying "I don't know, I'll think it over." Of course I'm taking this personally. It's clearly not actually a financial issue considering I've offered alternatives for her. I have a hundred other things to worry about and need to plan according to who will be there. Do I just let it go? Do I find someone to take her spot? What do I say to her? I'm distraught and hurt over this. Help.

mikenberger

moorewedding530 said:

So I asked my best friend since freshman year of college to be in my wedding - a normal thing to do, right? She told me a long time ago she assumed she'd be in it, and in August I asked her. She said yes.

To keep costs down for my girls, I let them choose their own dresses with only length and color criteria, am providing their jewelry, and gave them a variety of options for shoes. 

Since we're three months out, I just let the girls know that I'd be texting them next week to see what their plan was for their dress. Nothing major, just was wondering what they were thinking (even if it was to get the dress the week of. Whatever.) 

This particular friend texted me yesterday and said "Hey, I saw your post and I don't have the money for a dress and won't for a while. Do you still want me in the wedding?" Of course I want her to be in it. Frustrated, I reminded her that I was not expecting a large sum of money and she'd known about this for at least 8 months. She constantly posts about how she's going out with friends for dinner and drinks and bought a new car - which is awesome and none of my business, but frustrating when I don't expect anything but a cheap coral dress. But, I don't want her to worry about it so I offered to pay for it and she could pay me back when she has money. When I mentioned that I could help, she said "it's not just the dress, it's the hotel room, too." So, I offered to let her and her boyfriend stay at my house which is a reasonable drive from the church. When I offered this, she told me she didn't want to impose on anyone. How could she be imposing if I'm the one offering? The conversation continued and all I got was more excuses. She then said "I just don't feel as close as friends since you moved out." I moved out 3 months ago to a city an hour away. We're both in student teaching and have jobs. I thought our friendship was strong enough to stand some distance and time apart, but apparently not. 

At this point, I have no idea what to do. I've offered everything I can. I've told her repeatedly I want her in it and I'm trying to help her. She just keeps saying "I don't know, I'll think it over." Of course I'm taking this personally. It's clearly not actually a financial issue considering I've offered alternatives for her. I have a hundred other things to worry about and need to plan according to who will be there. Do I just let it go? Do I find someone to take her spot? What do I say to her? I'm distraught and hurt over this. Help.

If you've offered her a place to stay and to help her out and she's not taking you up on it, she's removing herself from your bridal party. If she shows up the day before and the day of for the wedding, then she's in the wedding. She knows that she needs to find a coral dress to wear and when she needs to be there. If she's not there, oh well. The day will move on and you will get married and be beautiful and happy and MARRIED. 

You do not find someone else to take her spot unless you believe that people are interchangeable in your life. Personally, people are not light bulbs. When one goes out, I don't just put another one in there until it dims and then I pull another from the pack. You can have uneven sides with her not participating. 

I understand it's frustrating and a little sad - it's obvious that you have a lot in this friendship and maybe you feel like you're not getting the same from her. It's never fun when you reach that point in a friendship, but sometimes, it just happens. People grow up, people move on. There's nothing wrong with that. 

I would tell her "You can stay at my house, I need you to order a dress by this time and..." whatever other drivel you want her to know. If she opts to not take you up on those things, you've pretty much got your answer right there. But don't replace her. And you don't have to ceremoniously remove her from the bridal party. She's doing that all on her own.

Maggie0829

moorewedding530 said:

So I asked my best friend since freshman year of college to be in my wedding - a normal thing to do, right? She told me a long time ago she assumed she'd be in it, and in August I asked her. She said yes.

To keep costs down for my girls, I let them choose their own dresses with only length and color criteria, am providing their jewelry, and gave them a variety of options for shoes. 

Since we're three months out, I just let the girls know that I'd be texting them next week to see what their plan was for their dress. Nothing major, just was wondering what they were thinking (even if it was to get the dress the week of. Whatever.) 

This particular friend texted me yesterday and said "Hey, I saw your post and I don't have the money for a dress and won't for a while. Do you still want me in the wedding?" Of course I want her to be in it. Frustrated, I reminded her that I was not expecting a large sum of money and she'd known about this for at least 8 months. She constantly posts about how she's going out with friends for dinner and drinks and bought a new car - which is awesome and none of my business, but frustrating when I don't expect anything but a cheap coral dress. But, I don't want her to worry about it so I offered to pay for it and she could pay me back when she has money. When I mentioned that I could help, she said "it's not just the dress, it's the hotel room, too." So, I offered to let her and her boyfriend stay at my house which is a reasonable drive from the church. When I offered this, she told me she didn't want to impose on anyone. How could she be imposing if I'm the one offering? The conversation continued and all I got was more excuses. She then said "I just don't feel as close as friends since you moved out." I moved out 3 months ago to a city an hour away. We're both in student teaching and have jobs. I thought our friendship was strong enough to stand some distance and time apart, but apparently not. 

At this point, I have no idea what to do. I've offered everything I can. I've told her repeatedly I want her in it and I'm trying to help her. She just keeps saying "I don't know, I'll think it over." Of course I'm taking this personally. It's clearly not actually a financial issue considering I've offered alternatives for her. I have a hundred other things to worry about and need to plan according to who will be there. Do I just let it go? Do I find someone to take her spot? What do I say to her? I'm distraught and hurt over this. Help.

If she no longer wants to be in your wedding then there is nothing you can do but to move on.  it sucks, but if she does not feel comfortable and does not feel as close to you as she used to that is completely her right.

But no, you do not replace her.  The person you ask will know that she is a replacement at this point.  It is a sucky feeling to know that you weren't good enough to be asked in the beginning but since a spot is now open you can fill it.  So if your friend drops out you just have one less BM.

As for what you say to her, you just tell her that whatever decision she makes will be respected but that you are upset over it.  Keep in mind that this person was a friend first so talk to her as such.  You can tell someone who you thought of as a friend that your feelings are hurt.  So let her do whatever she feels is right for her.

MyNameIsNot

It sucks, but she just doesn't feel that close to you any more. Some friendships just fade, even when one person doesn't want them to.

Stop guilting her and making her feel obligated to be a BM. She's trying to back out as nicely as possible, and you are making it difficult for her. Once she said that she just didn't want to, you should have stopped there. Drop it now.

You absolutely do not replace her. That's just wrong, no matter why she drops out. 

moorewedding530

I feel like a shitty person, considering this is the second bridal party member I've lost. The first time was because of an ended friendship over something petty (we were roommates and we were fighting about dishes. Apparently that's reason to not want to be a MOH anymore...). I've tried to make this as easy on my BMs as possible. It's my wedding day, not theirs, so I don't want them spending crazy money or worrying about things. All I need is them to be there on the wedding day (we can substitute their spots at the rehearsal) in a dress thats close to coral. My life is crazy stressful with work and student teaching I haven't had time to get coffee with anyone an hour away - I'm not trying to be a bitch. My life is just insanely busy and they know that. Is it me that's driving my friends away?

Still, if she just doesn't show up, what are some alternative ways to have the bridal party enter/exit the ceremony and enter the reception with different numbers of GMs and BMs?

swiftsticks

Don't kick her out and don't replace her if she's no longer in the bridal party. She's an adult - let her make the decision to step down if she can't get it together to find a dress and a place to stay. You've provided multiple solutions for her problems. Keep her in the loop for other wedding related stuff, but don't expect her to make it to your wedding. 

It sounds like she could be going through a rough patch and that your friendship could need some TLC. You might need to spend some time with her one on one before the wedding (even if it's a phone call) if you feel like this is a friendship worth salvaging. 

mikenberger

moorewedding530 said:

I feel like a shitty person, considering this is the second bridal party member I've lost. The first time was because of an ended friendship over something petty (we were roommates and we were fighting about dishes. Apparently that's reason to not want to be a MOH anymore...). I've tried to make this as easy on my BMs as possible. It's my wedding day, not theirs, so I don't want them spending crazy money or worrying about things. All I need is them to be there on the wedding day (we can substitute their spots at the rehearsal) in a dress thats close to coral. My life is crazy stressful with work and student teaching I haven't had time to get coffee with anyone an hour away - I'm not trying to be a bitch. My life is just insanely busy and they know that. Is it me that's driving my friends away?

Still, if she just doesn't show up, what are some alternative ways to have the bridal party enter/exit the ceremony and enter the reception with different numbers of GMs and BMs?

They don't have to walk together. You can have them walk separately, one after the other. Or the best way I've seen is the groomsmen all lined up at the beginning of the ceremony and then the bridesmaids enter before the bride. And the end, they all walked out paired with the "out" bridesmaid walking by herself. But you could always have a groomsman escort two women if your aisle is big enough.

Sorry you're having all these bridal party woes. But as you said it, it really just comes down to you and your FI getting married So you can focus on that! 

moorewedding530

MyNameIsNot said:

It sucks, but she just doesn't feel that close to you any more. Some friendships just fade, even when one person doesn't want them to.

Stop guilting her and making her feel obligated to be a BM. She's trying to back out as nicely as possible, and you are making it difficult for her. Once she said that she just didn't want to, you should have stopped there. Drop it now.

You absolutely do not replace her. That's just wrong, no matter why she drops out. 

She never actually said she didn't want to. She's beating around the bush and won't be straight with me. I don't want assume she doesn't want to be in it because she hasn't outright said it. 

climbingsingle

That sucks. But you're better off just letting it go and moving on. Don't replace her. 

If it makes you feel any better, for my first wedding, I asked my best friend since 9th grade to be my MOH. And when I was going through the divorce, she just dropped off the face of the Earth. Stopped taking my calls. It hurt, but what could I do? Years later, I saw that she was on FB and I messaged her. I always wondered what I had done. She told me that my divorce was too much for her to handle. That honestly confused me even more, but again, what could I do. That was her reason. And I moved on. Sometimes you're not meant to be friends with a person forever. Friendships change and some last and some don't. Such is life. 

Maggie0829

moorewedding530 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

It sucks, but she just doesn't feel that close to you any more. Some friendships just fade, even when one person doesn't want them to.

Stop guilting her and making her feel obligated to be a BM. She's trying to back out as nicely as possible, and you are making it difficult for her. Once she said that she just didn't want to, you should have stopped there. Drop it now.

You absolutely do not replace her. That's just wrong, no matter why she drops out. 

She never actually said she didn't want to. She's beating around the bush and won't be straight with me. I don't want assume she doesn't want to be in it because she hasn't outright said it. 

Then plan like she will be in the wedding party, but be prepared that maybe she won't.  So don't bug her about her dress.  She knows that she needs a dress by the time your wedding day comes around.  You offered up your home for a place for her to stay.  If she takes you up on it great, if not, then don't push the issue.  She is an adult and can figure things out.

Whether or not she is in the wedding won't affect the outcome of the day.  So just focus on what you need to get done and let her decide whatever she is going to decide.

novella1186

Maggie0829 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

It sucks, but she just doesn't feel that close to you any more. Some friendships just fade, even when one person doesn't want them to.

Stop guilting her and making her feel obligated to be a BM. She's trying to back out as nicely as possible, and you are making it difficult for her. Once she said that she just didn't want to, you should have stopped there. Drop it now.

You absolutely do not replace her. That's just wrong, no matter why she drops out. 

She never actually said she didn't want to. She's beating around the bush and won't be straight with me. I don't want assume she doesn't want to be in it because she hasn't outright said it. 

Then plan like she will be in the wedding party, but be prepared that maybe she won't.  So don't bug her about her dress.  She knows that she needs a dress by the time your wedding day comes around.  You offered up your home for a place for her to stay.  If she takes you up on it great, if not, then don't push the issue.  She is an adult and can figure things out.

Whether or not she is in the wedding won't affect the outcome of the day.  So just focus on what you need to get done and let her decide whatever she is going to decide.

----------Another Boxes Fail------------------------------------

This. I know it sucks and it's hurtful. I went through a similar thing with my sister, who was supposed to be my MOH. I was 100% confident in asking her because friendships sometimes change/end, but a sister is always a sister, right? Well, no. Apparently not. 

It's definitely confusing and frustrating to not know what's going on with a person who's supposed to be in your wedding, who you thought you were so close to. But all you can do is continue on with your plans and assume that person is still in, until they explicitly state otherwise. 

My sister ended up removing herself from my wedding party after about 5 months of me not knowing what was happening. It didn't change anything in the grand scheme of things. I STILL just kept going on with my plans. So I'll have 1 less girl standing up with me. So what? The groom and the officiant still plan to show up, and that's what matters. 

I definitely understand all the emotion wrapped up in it, but you have to just step back and let her do whatever it is she's gonna do, and whatever that is, it won't stop you from marrying the guy of your dreams. Everything is going to be fine. 

Viczaesar

moorewedding530 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

It sucks, but she just doesn't feel that close to you any more. Some friendships just fade, even when one person doesn't want them to.

Stop guilting her and making her feel obligated to be a BM. She's trying to back out as nicely as possible, and you are making it difficult for her. Once she said that she just didn't want to, you should have stopped there. Drop it now.

You absolutely do not replace her. That's just wrong, no matter why she drops out. 

She never actually said she didn't want to. She's beating around the bush and won't be straight with me. I don't want assume she doesn't want to be in it because she hasn't outright said it. 

Then wait for her to officially drop out if she wants to, and if she doesn't officially drop out assume that she's still in the wedding.  If she shows up on the day of the wedding in a coral dress then you're good to go, if not then you have one fewer bridesmaid than you expected and you'll still have a fabulous wedding and end up married.

novella1186

scribe95 said:

At some point I think the OP deserves an answer - not just wait and see and if she doesn't show up no big deal. 

After all, corsages and bridesmaids gifts have to be bought. 

Having said that it's three months out. I would let it lie for a bit and wait till the bridesmaid brings it up.

Exactly. It's one thing to say "no big deal" because in the grand scheme of things it really is no big deal. And it seems like no big deal. But having been in a similar situation, it is a big deal. Emotions aside, some amount of planning still needs to be done.

Viczaesar

scribe95 said:

At some point I think the OP deserves an answer - not just wait and see and if she doesn't show up no big deal. 

After all, corsages and bridesmaids gifts have to be bought. 

Having said that it's three months out. I would let it lie for a bit and wait till the bridesmaid brings it up.

I don't agree.  Worst comes to worst, she has an extra bouquet.  She can return a bridesmaid gift, or give it for another occasion.  Yes, it would be nice to know ahead of time if the bridesmaid is going to drop out, but the bridesmaid is not absolutely necessary for the wedding and the wedding can easily go on without her.  Unless the bridesmaid definitively tells the OP that she's dropping out OP should assume that she'll be there.

moorewedding530

The whole thing has been a learning experience. Before this, I was so naive about this wedding. I recently realized that what matters is the people I want beside me are those who mean most. I left people out because I knew my fiancé had few very close friends rather than many, and he only wanted those guys there. I just wanted the parties to be even - stupid, stupid, stupid.

This particular bridesmaid has been difficult through the whole process, but I still considered her a close friend. I'm not going to "oust" her because she clearly does not want to be in it. Considering she has stopped responding to any texts at all, I can assume that she won't be but still be prepared if she does show up.

Back to what I was saying before; I realized it wasn't the numbers, it's who I can honor by having them by my side. I'm probably going to get shit for this because thats what Knotties like to do. While I didn't replace said bridesmaid, I have added at least one. She and I have become significantly close between when I first asked my girls and I felt like I needed her by my side. So, that being said, I may have 6, I may have 7. But I will have the people who support me the most there and that's what matters to me.

End of the sap story. 

flantastic

moorewedding530 said:

The whole thing has been a learning experience. Before this, I was so naive about this wedding. I recently realized that what matters is the people I want beside me are those who mean most. I left people out because I knew my fiancé had few very close friends rather than many, and he only wanted those guys there. I just wanted the parties to be even - stupid, stupid, stupid.

This particular bridesmaid has been difficult through the whole process, but I still considered her a close friend. I'm not going to "oust" her because she clearly does not want to be in it. Considering she has stopped responding to any texts at all, I can assume that she won't be but still be prepared if she does show up.

Back to what I was saying before; I realized it wasn't the numbers, it's who I can honor by having them by my side. I'm probably going to get shit for this because thats what Knotties like to do. While I didn't replace said bridesmaid, I have added at least one. She and I have become significantly close between when I first asked my girls and I felt like I needed her by my side. So, that being said, I may have 6, I may have 7. But I will have the people who support me the most there and that's what matters to me.

End of the sap story. 

All this that you "realized" is common sense and what we regularly tell people, including you, in this thread and others. It's when people are being silly or self-centered that we disagree with them. Why would the bolded happen?

mikenberger

flantastic said:

moorewedding530 said:

The whole thing has been a learning experience. Before this, I was so naive about this wedding. I recently realized that what matters is the people I want beside me are those who mean most. I left people out because I knew my fiancé had few very close friends rather than many, and he only wanted those guys there. I just wanted the parties to be even - stupid, stupid, stupid.

This particular bridesmaid has been difficult through the whole process, but I still considered her a close friend. I'm not going to "oust" her because she clearly does not want to be in it. Considering she has stopped responding to any texts at all, I can assume that she won't be but still be prepared if she does show up.

Back to what I was saying before; I realized it wasn't the numbers, it's who I can honor by having them by my side. I'm probably going to get shit for this because thats what Knotties like to do. While I didn't replace said bridesmaid, I have added at least one. She and I have become significantly close between when I first asked my girls and I felt like I needed her by my side. So, that being said, I may have 6, I may have 7. But I will have the people who support me the most there and that's what matters to me.

End of the sap story. 

All this that you "realized" is common sense and what we regularly tell people, including you, in this thread and others. It's when people are being silly or self-centered that we disagree with them. Why would the bolded happen?

Because she's 3 months out from the wedding and she's just now realizing that she's closer to this person now that she's getting closer to her wedding, so she asked her to join in on the fun?

My take on it: If this #6 bridesmaid fails to show/get a dress, you have a backup. But you asked her BEFORE the #6 bridesmaid failed to show so it doesn't look like she's a replacement #7 bridesmaid.

Bravo.

moorewedding530

flantastic said: moorewedding530 said:All this that you "realized" is common sense and what we regularly tell people, including you, in this thread and others. It's when people are being silly or self-centered that we disagree with them. Why would the bolded happen?


It may be "common sense" to most people, but like I said, I was very naive and didn't know it was okay to have uneven bridal parties. I didn't think it'd be an issue til I had this problem and did a little research. It was then that I learned, although I understand I should have done a little more research to begin with. Every wedding I've ever been to had even parties so I thought it was a thing. I asked my girls last August, right after I got engaged. I became much closer with my most recent addition between then and now, so I added her. I didn't "realize that I was closer to her" as the wedding is coming up. I actually got closer to her in the meantime.

It may seem to you that I'm making bridesmaid #7 my backup, but it was just that I looked into it and realized I can have more BMs than GMs and asked her immediately. I told my FI, too, that if there's someone he feels is close enough to add to the bridal party, to ask them. If not, we'll still be getting married.

flantastic

moorewedding530 said:

flantastic said:

moorewedding530 said:

All this that you "realized" is common sense and what we regularly tell people, including you, in this thread and others. It's when people are being silly or self-centered that we disagree with them. Why would the bolded happen?

It may be "common sense" to most people, but like I said, I was very naive and didn't know it was okay to have uneven bridal parties. I didn't think it'd be an issue til I had this problem and did a little research. It was then that I learned, although I understand I should have done a little more research to begin with. Every wedding I've ever been to had even parties so I thought it was a thing. I asked my girls last August, right after I got engaged. I became much closer with my most recent addition between then and now, so I added her. I didn't "realize that I was closer to her" as the wedding is coming up. I actually got closer to her in the meantime.

It may seem to you that I'm making bridesmaid #7 my backup, but it was just that I looked into it and realized I can have more BMs than GMs and asked her immediately. I told my FI, too, that if there's someone he feels is close enough to add to the bridal party, to ask them. If not, we'll still be getting married.

I get that. I learned plenty of things here that in hindsight seem pretty obvious.

However, I'm saying that you learned these things from "research" on TK, but in the same breath are trying to say that you'll get "get shit for this" from posters "because that's what Knotties do" for stating something you learned here, and trying to take credit for realizing it on your own. Don't take full advantage of the common sense found here and then disparage it.

If there's a small or large issue in your post, people will point it out, because they like to assume that if you're unintentionally creating problems for yourself or others, you'd like to know. We're not just trying to be bitches for the hell of it. There's always a point, as long as people aren't too defensive to see it.

MsLisa3000

So the truth comes out! Well, it sucks that she didn't tell you this from the beginning! She has probably felt like this for a while. But to tell you ... now... 3 months from the wedding is rude and so inconsiderate! I would say your day is better spent with out anyone who doesn't want to share such a special moment with you. Make it work with what you have, get creative with how they bridesmaids and groomsmen go down the isle and roll with the punches. Your true friends will be by your side no matter what!!! Good luck

Dreamergirl8812

It's suspicious OP because you said you left out people (plural) because you wanted even sides, and now that this BM dropped out you added one person, because you got closer to her. You still seemingly end up with even sides and still exclude women you are close to.

levioosa

MsLisa3000 said:

So the truth comes out! Well, it sucks that she didn't tell you this from the beginning! She has probably felt like this for a while. But to tell you ... now... 3 months from the wedding is rude and so inconsiderate! I would say your day is better spent with out anyone who doesn't want to share such a special moment with you. Make it work with what you have, get creative with how they bridesmaids and groomsmen go down the isle and roll with the punches. Your true friends will be by your side no matter what!!! Good luck

Life happens, and not always the way you want it to.  Just because someone can't be at your wedding doesn't automatically make them a terrible friend.  

Also, it's "aisle."

moorewedding530

It's suspicious OP because you said you left out people (plural) because you wanted even sides, and now that this BM dropped out you added one person, because you got closer to her. You still seemingly end up with even sides and still exclude women you are close to.

Yeah, I know it sounds suspicious. I really wanted her to be in it. I was wishfully thinking she would be even after our initial conversation. She never gave me a "no" so I continued to plan on her being there. I was working on bridesmaid gifts today and asked girls their favorite colors. Her response was "I thought I said I couldn't do it"...then more pathetic excuses came out.

Okay then.

moorewedding530

Also, who said I'm excluding women?

Dreamergirl8812

moorewedding530 said:

The whole thing has been a learning experience. Before this, I was so naive about this wedding. I recently realized that what matters is the people I want beside me are those who mean most. ********I left people out because I knew my fiancé had few very close friends rather than many, and he only wanted those guys there. ******* I just wanted the parties to be even - stupid, stupid, stupid.

This particular bridesmaid has been difficult through the whole process, but I still considered her a close friend. I'm not going to "oust" her because she clearly does not want to be in it. Considering she has stopped responding to any texts at all, I can assume that she won't be but still be prepared if she does show up.

Back to what I was saying before; I realized it wasn't the numbers, it's who I can honor by having them by my side. I'm probably going to get shit for this because thats what Knotties like to do. While I didn't replace said bridesmaid, I have added at least one. She and I have become significantly close between when I first asked my girls and I felt like I needed her by my side. So, that being said, I may have 6, I may have 7. But I will have the people who support me the most there and that's what matters to me.

End of the sap story. 

Here ^^^ between the asterisks. Sorry, I'm on mobile.