Bridesmaids dilemma

Knottie12313357

I really do not need any more advice.  I'm sorry I've upset and offended so many people, but I am really starting to feel horrible and I've heard enough.  I am not stupid, I know the original post is still here, but I just hope some of you can understand I have had enough of the personal attacks.   Again, sorry so many people are upset.

Dreamergirl8812

Knottie12313357 said:

I have a pretty much a lose lose situation on my hands, but
I'm trying to figure out which is less of a lose.  I have this friend, who
basically I can only take in small doses. Problem is, she thinks we're way
better friends than I do.  Now I know she probably would expect to be in
the wedding.  If she wasn't annoying I would suck it up and have her in
it, but I honestly think she has the potential to ruin my day, or dampen it at
least.  She's extremely self centered, even though she doesn't realize she
is.  I know she'll probably have an issue with the dress, she'll try to hang
on to me the entire wedding (she doesn't leave me alone).  If she doesn't
like something, she'll say it and its extremely likely she will not like
something. Shes honestly just an annoying personality, like I said which is
why I can only take her in small doses.  There is not a single person I
know who knows her too and doesn't have the same opinions of her. She's a very
good person, and a good friend, just doesn't know when to back off.  I
guess a good word is clingy, which in turn becomes annoying.

I have a huge conscious, and I know I'll feel bad if I don't ask her. If roles
were reversed, I can pretty much guarantee I'd be in her wedding.  If it
wasn't my wedding, and a day that's supposed to be all about my happiness I
would have her in it. But should I be selfish and not have her in, which will
make my wedding day happier, but maybe not my conscious, or vise versa.
   There's no easy answer..  My finance says keep her out because he
knows she'll drive me nuts.

You choose people to be in your bridal party because you want to honor them. If you care enough about this woman that you think she should have an honored roll in your wedding, then you should ask her. Whether she would have you as a BM is actually completely irrelevant; weddings are not tit for tat.

I don't think you should start catastrophizing how you think she'll behave. That being said, if she's clingy, not having her as a BM won't necessarily prevent her from being all over you on your wedding day.

Something about the way you talk about her is a little off-putting. If you think you're that much better than her you shouldn't have her in the bridal party. You kinda come across like giving her your friendship is charity. I guess I can just relate to being the blunt and opinionated friend more than the one who tolerates and talks shit about her friend.

And, as a blunt person, I think you mean conscience, not conscious.

Knottie12313357

I do not think I am better than her.  The situation I described is the best I can without making this post 2 pages long.  She has good qualities to her, but she is also very annoying, esp with being clingy. If she is not a bridesmaid, I will not be seeing her for before the wedding, during pictures, ect.  These are times I really don't want her all over me.   And I do know how she'll behave, I know her very well.  This has nothing to do with me thinking I'm better and all to do with if I should make myself happy or her. 

esstee33

Knottie12313357 said:

I do not think I am better than her.  The situation I described is the best I can without making this post 2 pages long.  She has good qualities to her, but she is also very annoying, esp with being clingy. If she is not a bridesmaid, I will not be seeing her for before the wedding, during pictures, ect.  These are times I really don't want her all over me.   And I do know how she'll behave, I know her very well.  This has nothing to do with me thinking I'm better and all to do with if I should make myself happy or her. 

You sound like you don't even want to actually be friends with her, let alone have her in your bridal party. Seriously, if you have to say "She's a good friend BUT..." don't ask her. Imagine how she'll feel when it becomes apparent that you, with your good conscience and all, only asked her because you felt obligated.

levioosa

Honestly, the way you talk about this girl is very off-putting.  It sounds like you don't even like her.  So why on earth would you ask her to be in your BP?  Your BP is supposed to be your nearest and dearest, not pity invites.  I think your conscience would be put at ease if you would stop with the charade of being her friend.  You clearly aren't.  Imagine how hurt she would be if she read this. And, as Estee pointed out, think about how she'll feel when it becomes obvious that she was the pity invite.  

No one "deserves" to be in a BP.  I didn't even expect to be in my BFF's WP.  No biggie.  Our friendship is based on more than that.  If she had chosen not to ask me, our friendship would have been 100% fine.  But you definitely have made it obvious that a) you don't even really like this girl, and b) that you feel like you're doing her a favor by hanging out with her.  Don't ask her.  And then work on being a better friend. 

climbingsingle

 Why are you even friends with this girl? And why would you even consider asking her to be part of your BP? From your post, it's pretty clear you don't like her. 

southernbelle0915

It's sounds like you don't want to ask her. So don't. I wouldn't if she is as you describe.

Picture yourself 15 years from now. Are you still going to be friends with her, or did you two drift because life got busy and you only have time for people who aren't annoying?

Don't ask because you feel obligated. That's a recipe for disaster and you'll probably be coming back here in a few months asking about a nice way yo kick her out because she's driving you crazy. (Spoiler alert: you can't kick someone out without basically ending the friendship.)

Knottie12313357

Its occurred many times and been done, but she doesn't get it. 

scribe95 said:

Perhaps the reason you are feeling this guilty and actually considering it is that she is a way better friend to you than you are to her. I can't imagine how I would feel if all my friends talked about me behind my back like this. Did it ever occur to you to talk with her about being clingy? So she could learn.

Don't have her in your wedding party. It's not even a close call.

emmaaa

This is not a dilemma. You do not want her to be a BM, so don't have her as a BM.

Maggie0829

If you don't want her as a BM then don't ask her.

I also wonder why you are even still friends with her.  It sounds like her clinginess annoys the hell out of you so it may be best for both of you for you to slowly back away from the friendship.

plainjane0415

Yea, I don't understand why you are considering yourself friends with this person given all th shit you've just talked about her.

BM should be your nearest and dearest, and if she isn't that, then don't choose her.  Sure her feelings may be hurt or whatever, but you both are adults (I'm assuming) and this is really a non issue.  You should never choose someone because you feel obligated.  It's a recipe for disaster.  I've seen it happen first hand.

Jen4948

This "friend" sounds like jashley.

But you are not obligated to ask her to be in your wedding party or even to invite her. Just don't discuss any part of your wedding with her that she won't be involved in. If she brings up being in your wedding party, tell her, "I'm sorry, but I've already chosen my bridesmaids.". If necessary, tell her that the subject is closed.

Knottie12313357

I don't exactly want to be her friend but its awkward bc we have mutual friends.  We became close, before I realized she was this way.  Over time the clinginess started to become extremely annoying that I felt like everything she did was annoying.  I try to keep my distance from her, but with so many ways to get a hold of people now a days, its very difficult.  I can only ignore her so much, but she is relentless.  The reason she thinks were such close friends is bc we were at one point, early on.  The reason I know everyone feels this way is not bc we all talk sh** behind her back, but bc I once went to the friends who know her too for advice what they think I should do.  This is when I found out she is the same way with one of my other friends.  We both decided to confront her, she got insanely upset, and again over time, it's gone back to how it was.

plainjane0415

Knottie12313357 said:

I don't exactly want to be her friend but its awkward bc we have mutual friends.  We became close, before I realized she was this way.  Over time the clinginess started to become extremely annoying that I felt like everything she did was annoying.  I try to keep my distance from her, but with so many ways to get a hold of people now a days, its very difficult.  I can only ignore her so much, but she is relentless.  The reason she thinks were such close friends is bc we were at one point, early on.  The reason I know everyone feels this way is not bc we all talk sh** behind her back, but bc I once went to the friends who know her too for advice what they think I should do.  This is when I found out she is the same way with one of my other friends.  We both decided to confront her, she got insanely upset, and again over time, it's gone back to how it was.

The bolded doesn't matter.  You pick your nearest and dearest.  End of story.

Knottie12313357

plainjane0415 said:

Knottie12313357 said:

I don't exactly want to be her friend but its awkward bc we have mutual friends.  We became close, before I realized she was this way.  Over time the clinginess started to become extremely annoying that I felt like everything she did was annoying.  I try to keep my distance from her, but with so many ways to get a hold of people now a days, its very difficult.  I can only ignore her so much, but she is relentless.  The reason she thinks were such close friends is bc we were at one point, early on.  The reason I know everyone feels this way is not bc we all talk sh** behind her back, but bc I once went to the friends who know her too for advice what they think I should do.  This is when I found out she is the same way with one of my other friends.  We both decided to confront her, she got insanely upset, and again over time, it's gone back to how it was.

The bolded doesn't matter.  You pick your nearest and dearest.  End of story.

I know, I was just defending myself a bit bc I am getting bashed left and right.  The point of this discussion was if I should hurt her feelings and not have her in it, bc I know I do not want her, or if I should suck it up and have her there. 

MyNameIsNot

Don't ask her. 

Perhaps the missing BM invitation might be the trigger that helps her realize that you really can't stand her. 

plainjane0415

Knottie12313357 said:

plainjane0415 said:

Knottie12313357 said:

I don't exactly want to be her friend but its awkward bc we have mutual friends.  We became close, before I realized she was this way.  Over time the clinginess started to become extremely annoying that I felt like everything she did was annoying.  I try to keep my distance from her, but with so many ways to get a hold of people now a days, its very difficult.  I can only ignore her so much, but she is relentless.  The reason she thinks were such close friends is bc we were at one point, early on.  The reason I know everyone feels this way is not bc we all talk sh** behind her back, but bc I once went to the friends who know her too for advice what they think I should do.  This is when I found out she is the same way with one of my other friends.  We both decided to confront her, she got insanely upset, and again over time, it's gone back to how it was.

The bolded doesn't matter.  You pick your nearest and dearest.  End of story.

I know, I was just defending myself a bit bc I am getting bashed left and right.  The point of this discussion was if I should hurt her feelings and not have her in it, bc I know I do not want her, or if I should suck it up and have her there. 

And we told you that you should not have her in it if you don't feel that close to her.  Deleting your post doesn't do anything, you've been quoted.

mrscomposer

Knottie12313357 said:

plainjane0415 said:

I know, I was just defending myself a bit bc I am getting bashed left and right.  The point of this discussion was if I should hurt her feelings and not have her in it, bc I know I do not want her, or if I should suck it up and have her there. 

That's your answer.

That's it.  The end.  If you had distilled your original post down into "I have a friend who thinks we're closer than we are, and I know she's expecting to be asked to be a BM, but I honestly don't think we're good enough friends.  Should I ask her anyway?"  you would have gotten the same type of answers, but you wouldn't feel like you were being bashed because posters wouldn't be judging you for the way you speak about her.

And like @scribe95 said - if someone talked about me like you talked about her, I would be heartbroken.

Knottie12313357

plainjane0415 said:

Knottie12313357 said:

plainjane0415 said:

Knottie12313357 said:

I don't exactly want to be her friend but its awkward bc we have mutual friends.  We became close, before I realized she was this way.  Over time the clinginess started to become extremely annoying that I felt like everything she did was annoying.  I try to keep my distance from her, but with so many ways to get a hold of people now a days, its very difficult.  I can only ignore her so much, but she is relentless.  The reason she thinks were such close friends is bc we were at one point, early on.  The reason I know everyone feels this way is not bc we all talk sh** behind her back, but bc I once went to the friends who know her too for advice what they think I should do.  This is when I found out she is the same way with one of my other friends.  We both decided to confront her, she got insanely upset, and again over time, it's gone back to how it was.

The bolded doesn't matter.  You pick your nearest and dearest.  End of story.

I know, I was just defending myself a bit bc I am getting bashed left and right.  The point of this discussion was if I should hurt her feelings and not have her in it, bc I know I do not want her, or if I should suck it up and have her there. 

And we told you that you should not have her in it if you don't feel that close to her.  Deleting your post doesn't do anything, you've been quoted.

Yes I know that, but I'm sure it'll still detour some people. Thanks.

southernbelle0915

Came for the DD. OP - its bad netiquette to delete your post because many people probably have the same question.

redoryx

Knottie12313357 said:

Knottie12313357 said:

I don't exactly want to be her friend but its awkward bc we have mutual friends.  We became close, before I realized she was this way.  Over time the clinginess started to become extremely annoying that I felt like everything she did was annoying.  I try to keep my distance from her, but with so many ways to get a hold of people now a days, its very difficult.  I can only ignore her so much, but she is relentless.  The reason she thinks were such close friends is bc we were at one point, early on.  The reason I know everyone feels this way is not bc we all talk sh** behind her back, but bc I once went to the friends who know her too for advice what they think I should do.  This is when I found out she is the same way with one of my other friends.  We both decided to confront her, she got insanely upset, and again over time, it's gone back to how it was.

The bolded doesn't matter.  You pick your nearest and dearest.  End of story.

I know, I was just defending myself a bit bc I am getting bashed left and right.  The point of this discussion was if I should hurt her feelings and not have her in it, bc I know I do not want her, or if I should suck it up and have her there. 


FFS nobody was bashing you, they were just wondering why you were friends with her, let alone considering asking her to be in your bridal party. The bridal party is your way to honor your nearest and dearest so it seemed odd to even consider asking this woman that you don't actually really seem to like all that much.

For the record, you just answered your own question by saying you know you do not want her in your bridal party. So don't ask her. End of story.

Maggie0829

Knottie12313357 said:

plainjane0415 said:

Knottie12313357 said:

plainjane0415 said:

Knottie12313357 said:

I don't exactly want to be her friend but its awkward bc we have mutual friends.  We became close, before I realized she was this way.  Over time the clinginess started to become extremely annoying that I felt like everything she did was annoying.  I try to keep my distance from her, but with so many ways to get a hold of people now a days, its very difficult.  I can only ignore her so much, but she is relentless.  The reason she thinks were such close friends is bc we were at one point, early on.  The reason I know everyone feels this way is not bc we all talk sh** behind her back, but bc I once went to the friends who know her too for advice what they think I should do.  This is when I found out she is the same way with one of my other friends.  We both decided to confront her, she got insanely upset, and again over time, it's gone back to how it was.

The bolded doesn't matter.  You pick your nearest and dearest.  End of story.

I know, I was just defending myself a bit bc I am getting bashed left and right.  The point of this discussion was if I should hurt her feelings and not have her in it, bc I know I do not want her, or if I should suck it up and have her there. 

And we told you that you should not have her in it if you don't feel that close to her.  Deleting your post doesn't do anything, you've been quoted.

Yes I know that, but I'm sure it'll still detour some people. Thanks.

Um, DD your post actually draws in even more people.  It is like a bat signal to all posters.

Knottie12313357

Maggie0829 said:

Knottie12313357 said:

plainjane0415 said:

Knottie12313357 said:

plainjane0415 said:

Knottie12313357 said:

I don't exactly want to be her friend but its awkward bc we have mutual friends.  We became close, before I realized she was this way.  Over time the clinginess started to become extremely annoying that I felt like everything she did was annoying.  I try to keep my distance from her, but with so many ways to get a hold of people now a days, its very difficult.  I can only ignore her so much, but she is relentless.  The reason she thinks were such close friends is bc we were at one point, early on.  The reason I know everyone feels this way is not bc we all talk sh** behind her back, but bc I once went to the friends who know her too for advice what they think I should do.  This is when I found out she is the same way with one of my other friends.  We both decided to confront her, she got insanely upset, and again over time, it's gone back to how it was.

The bolded doesn't matter.  You pick your nearest and dearest.  End of story.

I know, I was just defending myself a bit bc I am getting bashed left and right.  The point of this discussion was if I should hurt her feelings and not have her in it, bc I know I do not want her, or if I should suck it up and have her there. 

And we told you that you should not have her in it if you don't feel that close to her.  Deleting your post doesn't do anything, you've been quoted.

Yes I know that, but I'm sure it'll still detour some people. Thanks.

Um, DD your post actually draws in even more people.  It is like a bat signal to all posters.

ok, I have no idea what all these abbreviations mean so whatever. 

Maggie0829

Knottie12313357 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Knottie12313357 said:

plainjane0415 said:

Knottie12313357 said:

plainjane0415 said:

Knottie12313357 said:

I don't exactly want to be her friend but its awkward bc we have mutual friends.  We became close, before I realized she was this way.  Over time the clinginess started to become extremely annoying that I felt like everything she did was annoying.  I try to keep my distance from her, but with so many ways to get a hold of people now a days, its very difficult.  I can only ignore her so much, but she is relentless.  The reason she thinks were such close friends is bc we were at one point, early on.  The reason I know everyone feels this way is not bc we all talk sh** behind her back, but bc I once went to the friends who know her too for advice what they think I should do.  This is when I found out she is the same way with one of my other friends.  We both decided to confront her, she got insanely upset, and again over time, it's gone back to how it was.

The bolded doesn't matter.  You pick your nearest and dearest.  End of story.

I know, I was just defending myself a bit bc I am getting bashed left and right.  The point of this discussion was if I should hurt her feelings and not have her in it, bc I know I do not want her, or if I should suck it up and have her there. 

And we told you that you should not have her in it if you don't feel that close to her.  Deleting your post doesn't do anything, you've been quoted.

Yes I know that, but I'm sure it'll still detour some people. Thanks.

Um, DD your post actually draws in even more people.  It is like a bat signal to all posters.

ok, I have no idea what all these abbreviations mean so whatever. 

DD = dirty delete

climbingsingle

No one was bashing you. You don't want this girl in your wedding. We're telling you not to have in her your wedding. 

Put your big girl panties on. Don't ask her. Jesus. It's not that hard. 

plainjane0415

If you have to ask a group of internet strangers if you should ask her to be in your wedding or not, that right there should tell you your answer.

AddieCake

Can someone show me the "personal attacks"? I don't see any.

Knottie12313357

climbingwife said:

No one was bashing you. You don't want this girl in your wedding. We're telling you not to have in her your wedding. 

Put your big girl panties on. Don't ask her. Jesus. It's not that hard. 

Looks to me like I am the one with my "big girl panties on"  I have asked politely if this can be dropped and I apologized to anyone who has an issue with this post.  You are the one who seems to be oh so interested in my personal life and won't leave it alone.  

mikenberger

Knottie12313357 said:

climbingwife said:

No one was bashing you. You don't want this girl in your wedding. We're telling you not to have in her your wedding. 

Put your big girl panties on. Don't ask her. Jesus. It's not that hard. 

Looks to me like I am the one with my "big girl panties on"  I have asked politely if this can be dropped and I apologized to anyone who has an issue with this post.  You are the one who seems to be oh so interested in my personal life and won't leave it alone.  

But you posted about your personal life ON THE INTERNET. Hello?

We're backing you up that you don't have to have this girl as a bridal party member. Move on with your day. Do what it is that makes you happy and move on.

levioosa

Knottie12313357 said:

climbingwife said:

No one was bashing you. You don't want this girl in your wedding. We're telling you not to have in her your wedding. 

Put your big girl panties on. Don't ask her. Jesus. It's not that hard. 

Looks to me like I am the one with my "big girl panties on"  I have asked politely if this can be dropped and I apologized to anyone who has an issue with this post.  You are the one who seems to be oh so interested in my personal life and won't leave it alone.  

This is an open forum.  You can't dictate how people respond.  You came off looking like a shitty friend, so people responded to that.  Jesus, it's not that difficult.  You don't want her in the party, so don't ask her.  

Maggie0829

Knottie12313357 said:

No one was bashing you. You don't want this girl in your wedding. We're telling you not to have in her your wedding. 

Put your big girl panties on. Don't ask her. Jesus. It's not that hard. 

Looks to me like I am the one with my "big girl panties on"  I have asked politely if this can be dropped and I apologized to anyone who has an issue with this post.  You are the one who seems to be oh so interested in my personal life and won't leave it alone.  


Sweetie you are the one who posted information about your personal life on here.  The reason we all seem so "interested" in it is because you posted about it and asked a question.  What the hell did you expect?