What do I tell my family?

therockerwithin

So my bf and I have been talking about getting married and he says he's going to propose sometime this year (we're both bad with surprises and love to plan things).  Neither of us wants a big wedding and would rather go to the courthouse then have a party later with friends and family.  I've talked to family members about this and, understandably, have gotten mixed reactions.  Most will support me no matter what (including my mother), while others say I HAVE to have a wedding (grandmother and father).  We want to just get a little dressed up and sign some paperwork, then have a big potluck where we could see everyone and people could dress more casually.  Ultimately, we don't want to step on anyone's toes, but we'd rather spend money on an awesome honeymoon than a big wedding.  Thoughts? Advice?

500days

My advice would be to just wait until you are engaged until you start talking to family members or friends about your plans. 

bethsmiles

@500days is wise, listen to her. There's no reason to be polling people about your potential wedding plans when you aren't engaged yet.

As for when you are engaged - if you ask for opinions you will get them. If you don't want them don't ask.

Swazzle

Ditto @500days and @bethsmiles. 

This isn't something you need to worry so much about until you're engaged. 

Don't ask people's opinions. If what you want to do is get married at the courthouse and have something small afterwards, then go for it! You do not need anyone's permission. Tell them that's the wedding you want and at the end of the day you'll be married to your SO and that's what matters and you hope they can be there and be happy for you. 

buddysmom80

therockerwithin said:

So my bf and I have been talking about getting married and he says he's going to propose sometime this year (we're both bad with surprises and love to plan things).  Neither of us wants a big wedding and would rather go to the courthouse then have a party later with friends and family.  I've talked to family members about this and, understandably, have gotten mixed reactions.  Most will support me no matter what (including my mother), while others say I HAVE to have a wedding (grandmother and father).  We want to just get a little dressed up and sign some paperwork, then have a big potluck where we could see everyone and people could dress more casually.  Ultimately, we don't want to step on anyone's toes, but we'd rather spend money on an awesome honeymoon than a big wedding.  Thoughts? Advice?

Too early to worry, get engaged then plan the wedding you want.

Dignity100

I'm going to echo what's already been said - wait until you're engaged to worry about it.

Before I was engaged, I thought I wanted a 'rustic wedding'.  After we got engaged, we started talking and looking at how many people would need to be invited to a 'traditional' type of wedding and decided we didn't want to be the center of attention in front of that many people and decided on a destination wedding with immediate family only.  'Dream Weddings' can change.

The other thing that caught me (even though it's too early) is how you said a potluck.  Please don't do something like that - if you want family/friends to celebrate with you, please host them and have the event catered, you can find BBQ catering companies if that's really what you want. 

Swazzle

Eeeek. Good catch, @Dignity100. I totally missed that.

buddysmom80

Ew, potluck.

cu97tiger

Ditto @dignity100... if you're going to host people for your wedding reception, HOST them, don't make them bring their own food. Also, I really do not like the whole 'we're getting married by ourselves, but we'll meet you an hour later so you can celebrate us.' If you want to keep it small, invite the 4-20 people you want to bring to the courthouse, then go eat... OR... invite no one, go to the courthouse, and go eat with your new husband.

ETA: I don't have a problem with you talking to your BF about what kind of wedding you might want once you're engaged. I think that's valid. But it's when you start asking for the opinion of friends and family that you're putting the cart before the horse.

untouchablets

cu97tiger said:

ETA: I don't have a problem with you talking to your BF about what kind of wedding you might want once you're engaged. I think that's valid. But it's when you start asking for the opinion of friends and family that you're putting the cart before the horse.

THIS

My BF and I talk about wedding stuff all the time, but that's all. It's just talk, between us, and nobody else. I think it's healthy to go over what you want in terms of the kind of ceremony (secular/religious for example) and how big of a celebration you want before you get engaged, as BF and I do, but once you bring others into the conversation you open up a box of feelings and opinions you don't necessarily want or need. I've had to shut down many a conversation with my family and friends who wanted to do a little more wedding talk than I am comfortable with, and I think you should do the same.

phira

Agreeing with everyone else.

1) You're not engaged yet, so don't plan.

2) Once you are engaged, please do not plan a pot-luck; you need to host your guests properly.

3) Don't ask people for their opinions if you don't want them (basically, stop telling your family stuff).

therockerwithin

Thanks everyone.  This actually helped a lot.  I do tend to get a little ahead of myself and I really appreciate all the advice.  :-)

phira

It can be REALLY easy to plan before you're engaged. I think many of us have seriously been there, especially if we didn't find the NEY board well enough ahead of time. But there's so much experience here--it's nice to be able to take advantage of the collective wisdom.

jenjen047

Agree with PP here. It's OK to discuss big picture stuff with BF now and see if you are on the same page with things you envision for your wedding day before you are engaged (though personally I feel like BF and I will discuss and figure it out together once we are actually planning), but discussing plans with friends/family and getting their opinion seems a little excessive at this point. And, like PP have said, their opinions don't matter anyways (unless they are paying) so it's not necessary to discuss with them. If you and BF are paying for your wedding, then you have the wedding you want and forget everyone else. BUT, hosting guests for a wedding does mean providing food...not asking people to bring their own. Can be as basic and simple as you want (you can even cook it yourself if you want), but you can't ask guests to bring their own food.