In Laws Mad About Wording of Invites and are Ruining Wedding

waterlily37

So, I will try to keep this short. My FMIL is a very trying woman, and is used to always getting her way. My fiance is an only child, so she keeps using this to try and plan the wedding. She's even tried to come on our honeymoon, that is how little she cares about boundaries.  

The problem is, when they don't get their way they FREAK out. When I say yell, they actually are yelling. I cannot stand this, but I guess who can? They cannot argue in a productive matter and in their opinions it is always all or nothing. They either totally want their way, or you are dead to them.

It finally came to the end the other day when they got mad that our invitations say "Together with our parents" rather than writing each parent out. (sidenote; they were planning on helping us with the wedding, which is why I didn't just have my parents' names. Of course, they aren't now). They blame me for the wording of the invites, but they also felt the need to tell my fiance they hate everything about the wedding because "i planned it". The venue (he found it), the food (his favorite restaurant is catering), ect. It's always me. He's 100% taken my side and now they are saying they will not come to the wedding. I did finally blow up at them, because they constantly say they are done with him if he doesn't do what they want. No parent should ever say that to their child, especially over a line in an invitation. I told them that they need to apologize to him, that they were acting like teenagers, that they were ruining wedding planning, and that they were causing wedding drama that in the scheme of things does not matter. I do want to let it be known that I said all of this at the point of immense anger and they saw my wrath finally. It wasn't in a calm and collected way that I wish I would have. When everyone talks about blowing up at their future in laws, I actually did it. 

Where would you go from here? We are getting married in about four months. I mean. I am guessing they will change their mind but they were even pulling the "How will it look when we don't come" line. Like, they want him to be ashamed that they don't approve of me. No matter what, they are his parents. When they aren't acting this way they are kind and loving. They flip like this, which I find unacceptable but I can't control them. Should I apologize for saying all of this (totally not sorry, but willing to keep the peace)? Let it ride out? I can already tell you they won't apologize to me for anything.

thespeshulestsnowflake

waterlily37 said:

So, I will try to keep this short. My FMIL is a very trying woman, and is used to always getting her way. My fiance is an only child, so she keeps using this to try and plan the wedding. She's even tried to come on our honeymoon, that is how little she cares about boundaries.  

The problem is, when they don't get their way they FREAK out. When I say yell, they actually are yelling. I cannot stand this, but I guess who can? They cannot argue in a productive matter and in their opinions it is always all or nothing. They either totally want their way, or you are dead to them.

It finally came to the end the other day when they got mad that our invitations say "Together with our parents" rather than writing each parent out. (sidenote; they were planning on helping us with the wedding, which is why I didn't just have my parents' names. Of course, they aren't now). They blame me for the wording of the invites, but they also felt the need to tell my fiance they hate everything about the wedding because "i planned it". The venue (he found it), the food (his favorite restaurant is catering), ect. It's always me. He's 100% taken my side and now they are saying they will not come to the wedding. I did finally blow up at them, because they constantly say they are done with him if he doesn't do what they want. No parent should ever say that to their child, especially over a line in an invitation. I told them that they need to apologize to him, that they were acting like teenagers, that they were ruining wedding planning, and that they were causing wedding drama that in the scheme of things does not matter. I do want to let it be known that I said all of this at the point of immense anger and they saw my wrath finally. It wasn't in a calm and collected way that I wish I would have. When everyone talks about blowing up at their future in laws, I actually did it. 

Where would you go from here? We are getting married in about four months. I mean. I am guessing they will change their mind but they were even pulling the "How will it look when we don't come" line. Like, they want him to be ashamed that they don't approve of me. No matter what, they are his parents. When they aren't acting this way they are kind and loving. They flip like this, which I find unacceptable but I can't control them. Should I apologize for saying all of this (totally not sorry, but willing to keep the peace)? Let it ride out? I can already tell you they won't apologize to me for anything.

Bean dip, lots of it. Be super grateful that your FI is making sure you are consistent. Whenever they bring something up, say "the subject is closed, how good is this bean dip?" Rinse and repeat.

Also if they are not paying, they do not get a say. And by pay, I mean you have the money in the bank. Based on their attitudes, I would not accept money at all.

You shouldn't have yelled at them, you know that, but to keep the peace I would apologize once and be done with the whole matter. I would not be surprized if they keep bringing it up for all time, but you should just let your FI handle them.

mikenberger

waterlily37 said:

So, I will try to keep this short. My FMIL is a very trying woman, and is used to always getting her way. My fiance is an only child, so she keeps using this to try and plan the wedding. She's even tried to come on our honeymoon, that is how little she cares about boundaries.  

The problem is, when they don't get their way they FREAK out. When I say yell, they actually are yelling. I cannot stand this, but I guess who can? They cannot argue in a productive matter and in their opinions it is always all or nothing. They either totally want their way, or you are dead to them.

It finally came to the end the other day when they got mad that our invitations say "Together with our parents" rather than writing each parent out. (sidenote; they were planning on helping us with the wedding, which is why I didn't just have my parents' names. Of course, they aren't now). They blame me for the wording of the invites, but they also felt the need to tell my fiance they hate everything about the wedding because "i planned it". The venue (he found it), the food (his favorite restaurant is catering), ect. It's always me. He's 100% taken my side and now they are saying they will not come to the wedding. I did finally blow up at them, because they constantly say they are done with him if he doesn't do what they want. No parent should ever say that to their child, especially over a line in an invitation. I told them that they need to apologize to him, that they were acting like teenagers, that they were ruining wedding planning, and that they were causing wedding drama that in the scheme of things does not matter. I do want to let it be known that I said all of this at the point of immense anger and they saw my wrath finally. It wasn't in a calm and collected way that I wish I would have. When everyone talks about blowing up at their future in laws, I actually did it. 

Where would you go from here? We are getting married in about four months. I mean. I am guessing they will change their mind but they were even pulling the "How will it look when we don't come" line. Like, they want him to be ashamed that they don't approve of me. No matter what, they are his parents. When they aren't acting this way they are kind and loving. They flip like this, which I find unacceptable but I can't control them. Should I apologize for saying all of this (totally not sorry, but willing to keep the peace)? Let it ride out? I can already tell you they won't apologize to me for anything.

I would stop fighting with them. And when they try to engage, "If you are going to continue to yell at me, I am going to walk away. We can talk when you've calmed down." If they choose to continue yelling, walk away. If yelling is not how you choose to argue (let's be honest, some people just LOVE the sound of their own voice) you don't have to stand there and listen to it or tolerate it. You don't have to take that from ANYBODY. I would apologize for my own actions because you are in control of those. "I'm sorry I yelled the other day. I was very frustrated. Next time, I will take myself from the situation until I am calm to talk." 

You cannot control them, you're 100% correct. BUT. You can control yourself. They can't yell at something that's not standing right in front of them. So remove yourself from the situation. And your FI needs to step in. Like last week. He needs to talk to his parents. "I will not have you yelling at Jane. She will be my wife and you will respect her like that. If you can't, we'll be limiting our time with you." You need to be united in your conversations with his parents. And I wouldn't allow myself to be alone or have one on one conversations with them. Then things can't be misconstrued and your FI isn't picking sides. Chances are though, your FI is acutely aware of the way his parents behave. I would have him dealing/talking etc with his parents before I would ever have another conversation with them one on one. 

Good luck to you! (And you were fine with the invites. Regardless of who is paying for the wedding.)

blabla89

First of all, don't count on any money or other help from your FILs, even if you get back on good terms. Plan a wedding that you and your FI can afford without any help from them. There will always be strings attached, and I don't think it's worth it to have your FILs dictating things. And since they're not paying anymore, you don't have to include them or accept their input. If they volunteer an opinion you can say, "Thank you for the input, but __________ has already been taken care of." And then bean dip.

Second, your FI needs to be the one managing communication with his parents. "How will it look if we don't come" sounds like a bluff to me - they will looks like assholes if they don't come, obviously. Your FI should call their bluff.

novella1186

mikenberger said. Do not engage in their tantrums. Remove yourself from the situation, whether that means you leave the room, leave their house, hang up the phone, whatever. Stay calm and just walk away from it. 

Some people WANT the fight, and they WANT to get a big reaction out of you, and when they get that, it just reinforces their bad behavior and they think they've somehow won. 

Do not involve them in wedding plans at all. There's no reason for them to be involved. Do not discuss anything wedding-related with them. If they try to bring it up, immediately change the subject. Put some distance between you and them. 

I know it's super frustrating. My dad behaves in a similar way, and I've pretty much had to cut him out of my life. He started screaming the F-word (and lots of other words) at me because I wouldn't add EVEN MORE of his friends to my already tight guest list (FI's parents invited 4 friends, my dad invited 30; FI and I are paying for almost all of the wedding ourselves but his parents have contributed). This is just one example out of many of his disgusting raged-out behavior, and I was quite sick of being attacked. I cut him out, and I feel much better now. There's no drama, the planning has been fun, and things are far more peaceful. 

Cut them out. If they comment/pout/rage that they're being left out, I wouldn't hesitate to let them know that this is the consequence of their own bad behavior. Welcome to being an adult; you don't get to act like a monster and still get everything you want. Nope. 

southernbelle0915

Yikes! She tried to come on your HM? haha I'm sorry to laugh because I know it's stressful but that's one of the more ridiculous things I've ever heard.

Don't let their immaturity and poor handling of situations bring you down to their level. They sound like the type of people who look for a reason to be dissatisfied and talk shit. Don't give them one. I realize you already blew up on them, but don't do it again. It'll just add fuel to the fire. Be the bigger person. Be calm, be collected, tell them how it's going to be, and change the subject. Refuse to engage. Then go to a quiet room and scream, but don't let them see you break.

Thankfully, you're FH has your back and stands up for you. That's the key here. Yay for supportive FHs!

I have to ask though, why are you engaging with them so often about the wedding? Do you live with them? If so, I would move out like yesterday. Just stop talking to them about it. When they ask give them a generic answer like "oh, the invites look nice, I can't remember the exact wording...how's your new boss?" or "we're working on that...can you believe how nice it's been lately?" Refuse to entertain wedding talk. That IS within your control. Just because they ask doesn't mean you need to tell them details. 

Honestly, if they don't come, GOOD. They sound like total buzz kills anyway. I can't believe there are parents who would value getting their way over supporting their son in one of the biggest milestones of his life. Awful.

Maggie0829

No longer communicate with them.  They are your FI parents so let him deal with them from now on.  Seriously, don't say another word to them because like a PP said all they want is to get an big blowout reaction from you.  So don't give that to them.  As long as your FI has your back on this then that is all that matters.  It is up to him to decide what kind of relationship he has with his parents and what he is willing to accept in regards to how they treat him.

So continue with your wedding plans and don't let their craziness ruin anything.  If they show up at your wedding, great.  If not, well they will never get that moment back and they will have to live with it, not you.

novella1186

Oh, also want to add, next time they threaten to not show up to the wedding, calmly  and kindly say, "That's too bad, we'll miss you." And change the subject. 

Next time they ask your FI, "How would it look if we're not there?!" he needs to answer with, "You'll look like assholes for not supporting your only son on his wedding day." Then change the subject. 

They need to see that their antics and tantrums and childish behavior is never going to get them anywhere. 

waterlily37

They are actually getting mad because they say we don't involve them in anything, but they over-expect to be involved. I feel like this is also the root of the problem. They want me to run them by everything. Like, they were mad we didn't invite them to go look at venues (eye roll) and I am sure his mom is annoyed she didn't come with us when we took engagement photos. I don't share very much because I feel like they overstep their welcome in all aspects of our lives, but I had tried to share more because I know that makes them happy. They assume I am just calling my mom and dad all the time and telling them everything, which isn't the case. My parents didn't even know we bought invites or were even looking at them until I called them and told them about the argument. But you are right, when we share they freak out so they have lost that privilege. And, we do not live with them. He showed them the invites; I wasn't around for it. Which, almost makes me madder because they insult me behind my back to him and my parents would never say anything like that about him. 

I am certain this will all blow over and when it does I am planning to tell them they are not longer welcome in any planning down to the rehearsal dinner and that we will pay for it all. We've determined with a lot of overtime we can do it all on our own. They constantly used the promise of giving us money (as they have only given us $200 now) as an excuse to be mad at us. And if they were honest with us they are mad because they want a producers credit on the invites, not that they think our etiquette is wrong. Plus, parents of the grooms are hardly ever on the invites anyway!

Their thing is only having one child, they are desperate to feel needed and I am a very independent person. Arguments before have been that his mom wants a close relationship with me, but I work 50ish hours a week and am in grad school. I am tired and frankly, just don't like being around her. She wants a daughter so bad but then attempting to force a relationship makes me go into a shell. In the past she has gotten mad that I don't have time to get toe nails done with her when i was MARATHON TRAINING AND ACTUALLY HAD LOST ALL MY TOENAILS FROM IT. 

Maggie0829

waterlily37 said:

They are actually getting mad because they say we don't involve them in anything, but they over-expect to be involved. I feel like this is also the root of the problem. They want me to run them by everything. Like, they were mad we didn't invite them to go look at venues (eye roll) and I am sure his mom is annoyed she didn't come with us when we took engagement photos. I don't share very much because I feel like they overstep their welcome in all aspects of our lives, but I had tried to share more because I know that makes them happy. They assume I am just calling my mom and dad all the time and telling them everything, which isn't the case. My parents didn't even know we bought invites or were even looking at them until I called them and told them about the argument. But you are right, when we share they freak out so they have lost that privilege. And, we do not live with them. He showed them the invites; I wasn't around for it. Which, almost makes me madder because they insult me behind my back to him and my parents would never say anything like that about him. 

I am certain this will all blow over and when it does I am planning to tell them they are not longer welcome in any planning down to the rehearsal dinner and that we will pay for it all. We've determined with a lot of overtime we can do it all on our own. They constantly used the promise of giving us money (as they have only given us $200 now) as an excuse to be mad at us. And if they were honest with us they are mad because they want a producers credit on the invites, not that they think our etiquette is wrong. Plus, parents of the grooms are hardly ever on the invites anyway!

Their thing is only having one child, they are desperate to feel needed and I am a very independent person. Arguments before have been that his mom wants a close relationship with me, but I work 50ish hours a week and am in grad school. I am tired and frankly, just don't like being around her. She wants a daughter so bad but then attempting to force a relationship makes me go into a shell. In the past she has gotten mad that I don't have time to get toe nails done with her when i was MARATHON TRAINING AND ACTUALLY HAD LOST ALL MY TOENAILS FROM IT. 

No, your FI should be telling them this and anything else.

Just because they are your FILs doesn't mean that you have to like them or have a relationship with them.  You just have to be cordial to them when they are around, and that is more for your benefit and for your FI benefit.  No sense being bitchy to their face because then you are just lowering yourself to their level.

novella1186

waterlily37 said:

They are actually getting mad because they say we don't involve them in anything, but they over-expect to be involved. I feel like this is also the root of the problem. They want me to run them by everything. Like, they were mad we didn't invite them to go look at venues (eye roll) and I am sure his mom is annoyed she didn't come with us when we took engagement photos. I don't share very much because I feel like they overstep their welcome in all aspects of our lives, but I had tried to share more because I know that makes them happy. They assume I am just calling my mom and dad all the time and telling them everything, which isn't the case. My parents didn't even know we bought invites or were even looking at them until I called them and told them about the argument. But you are right, when we share they freak out so they have lost that privilege. And, we do not live with them. He showed them the invites; I wasn't around for it. Which, almost makes me madder because they insult me behind my back to him and my parents would never say anything like that about him. 

I am certain this will all blow over and when it does I am planning to tell them they are not longer welcome in any planning down to the rehearsal dinner and that we will pay for it all. We've determined with a lot of overtime we can do it all on our own. They constantly used the promise of giving us money (as they have only given us $200 now) as an excuse to be mad at us. And if they were honest with us they are mad because they want a producers credit on the invites, not that they think our etiquette is wrong. Plus, parents of the grooms are hardly ever on the invites anyway!

Their thing is only having one child, they are desperate to feel needed and I am a very independent person. Arguments before have been that his mom wants a close relationship with me, but I work 50ish hours a week and am in grad school. I am tired and frankly, just don't like being around her. She wants a daughter so bad but then attempting to force a relationship makes me go into a shell. In the past she has gotten mad that I don't have time to get toe nails done with her when i was MARATHON TRAINING AND ACTUALLY HAD LOST ALL MY TOENAILS FROM IT. 

Ok now they sound even more like my dad, so I will say that there is no reason to worry about this at all. No matter how much you involve them, it won't be enough. And they'll be assholes through it all. So like I said before, don't involve them at all. Not one bit. 

Story time: 

Right after we got engaged my dad started bitching that I wasn't involving him, even though WE HADN'T STARTED PLANNING ANYTHING YET. My mom knows I don't get along with him, but she said he just wants to be included and it would mean a lot to him. So I started making a huge effort to include him. 

He insisted on paying for the food for the wedding. So I sent him all the menus of caterers we were considering, and I invited him to the tasting. We sat down and planned the menu out with him. He looked over the contract, talked with the caterer in person, got all the details, was 100% involved in the whole thing, and agreed to the cost. Well, multiple times now he has gotten extremely nasty and even insulted me because he doesn't like the cost of the food. That he picked out. 

Then I sat down with him multiple times and discussed the guest list. He wrote out a list of everyone he wanted to invite, and I told him I would add as many of them as I could but we weren't able to add them all. He was fine with this. Months later, he started attacking me over the guest list. As I said in my earlier post, he was screaming cuss words at me. Stomping around, raging, screaming. He has done this several times over the guest list, and swears I never discussed it with him. Swears I never involved him. Swears he never got any say-so in which of his friends were invited. No matter how many of his friends I add, he wants to add more. And no matter how many times i tell him FI and I can't afford to pay for more people, he wants to add more. Because it's all about him and all he cares about is himself and getting what he wants. 

He also insisted on paying for dessert. I let him choose the bakery (it's his favorite bakery ever, that I don't really care for, but it wasn't a big deal to me or to FI). He came to our dessert tasting with us, discussed things with the baker, picked some stuff out, etc etc etc. Approved the cost, signed off on it, ended up adding way more desserts than FI and I wanted, but refused to reduce the order. That same day, attacked me over the cost. I offered to call the bakery and reduce the order. He flew off the handle and said I was not allowed to do that, I had to keep the order that he chose. Um... ? 

All the while he was bitching to my mom that I wasn't including him in anything. That was far far far more than FI's parents got to do. And every moment of it was total misery for FI and I because my dad continued to act like a total psycho. 

So now he doesn't get to be involved at all, because of his own behavior. Now, we don't even speak to him. And we took over paying for the stuff he had originally offered to pay for, because he was using it as a way to control everything. He even said "I'm paying for the food, so I should get to decide the whole guest list and be in charge of the wedding." Lol I don't fucking think so, asshole. 

Anyway, sorry this is an extremely long post. I tell you all this because I have a feeling your FILs will be the same; no amount of involvement will ever be enough. They'll complain no matter what, and be angry even if they get what they want. They'll bitch and act like assholes and make you miserable no matter how much you bend over backwards to make them happy. So don't even try. Cut them out, do what you and your FI want for your wedding, and enjoy planning without them. It's not worth it to try to accommodate people who refuse to ever be grateful or satisfied. 

mikenberger

Just keep sending them this:

southernbelle0915

1) Your FH needs to stop talking wedding with them also. Y'all need to get on the same page here.

2) So your FMIL wants a daughter? Oh well. That ship sailed when they only had one child - a boy. And she's totally ruining her chances for a good relationship with you because she's acting like a total psycho. 

3) You and your FH need to lay the groundwork for putting your FILs in their place now. If you think it's bad with wedding planning, consider grandchildren - sharing holidays, taking vacations, etc. They need to understand now that acting like crazies and tossing out wild ultimatums will only push the two of you (and your family unit) away. 

4) I would return their $200. I know it doesn't seem like a lot, but just out of principle. Return that shit today. No pay, no say. No pay, no holding anything over your head.

climbingsingle

Yikes. They sound like a total nightmare. Definitely do not accept any money from them at all. Obviously you can see it will come with many strings. 

flantastic

southernbelle0915 said:

2) So your FMIL wants a daughter? Oh well. That ship sailed when they only had one child - a boy. And she's totally ruining her chances for a good relationship with you because she's acting like a total psycho. 

Maggie0829 said:

waterlily37 said:

No, your FI should be telling them this and anything else.

Just because they are your FILs doesn't mean that you have to like them or have a relationship with them.  

These things. I know my MIL would love for me to be super close with her, and she only has sons, but I have my own mom that I'm close with, and on top of that her behavior during wedding planning... well, I wouldn't say that ship has sailed, but it'll be a while before I want to hang out with her.

FI calls and talks to his mom from time to time. I call and talk to my mom. Never have I called his mom just to chat. It's perfectly okay if your FI does all the communicating with his own parents from now on, unless there's a reason for you to be in the same room. But I suggest that you both stop talking with them about the wedding, because it certainly won't help anything to do so.

Jen4948

1) Give back any money they've given you.
2) Together with your FI, determine appropriate boundaries to be set with his parents and the consequences for breaches of those boundaries.
3) Your FI has a come-to-Jesus talk with his parents in which he sets forth the boundaries for your relationship with them and the consequences.
4) He does all communication with his parents from now on. You don't ever initiate it, and as soon as they cross the line, leave the room, hang up the phone, delete the email or text, or whatever makes clear that you won't engage them.
5) He enforces whatever consequences you and he have decided are appropriate.

waterlily37

Thank you! I am going to return the $200. Someone gave me some good advice too; give it to her in cash. This way she can't play the martyr and not cash it. 

I am legit copying and pasting all of this amazingly good advice into a word document to reference later so keep it coming! And, I fully agree on the family aspect. She has already disowned him twice in the last 6 months, and this behavior isn't okay. I told my fiance that if they expect to ever meet any future grandkids they will not be acting this way anymore (no deciding you are done with them when you get in a fight). And, he does agree with everything. I have not tried to contact his parents since our argument, which was on Thursday. He has been basically diffusing the bomb. Seriously, they are disowning him about a line in an invitation. Real mature. 

I don't want to act like them and say "I'm done with you both too", because that isn't how families should act. I want to think of a calm collected way to say that their behavior will no longer be tolerated. One thing my fiance and I agreed on is that when they are mad to turn off our phones. They can stew in their own anger and calm down. But, by me saying I want to say all of this I fully agree with all of you that he needs to say this. My main concern was that was there something I can do to fix this problem but the overwhelming response was that this is something he has to do, not me. 

novella1186

The thing about them not behaving the way family should, though, is that blood doesn't make someone family. 

That's probably the best advice I've ever gotten from these boards. I've had a lot of really upsetting, stressful issues with my dad and sister. And I kept going back for more abuse because I thought I had to, because he's my dad and she's my sister. 

It was literally life-changing to hear from other knotties who had similar issues with family members and told me to STOP GOING BACK FOR MORE ABUSE. Sometimes the people we share DNA with suck, and that's too bad. But you make your own family out of the positive people in your life who truly care about you, and that's awesome. 

It's too bad that his parents think they need to be assholes and behave in such a ridiculous way. It's too bad FOR THEM, because you don't need them in your life. They don't need to be your (or your FI's) family. If they can't behave like human beings, then they can't be around you. It's that simple. 

Luckily my FI has wonderful parents, who have welcomed me into their family and are just great people. I'm so thankful to have them. THEY are my family. My sister and my dad can ride the fucking crazy train straight to hell for all I care. I don't need their abuse, and I'm much happier without them around. It sounds like you have some cool parents. Your FI can adopt them and quit taking the emotional abuse and passive aggressive bullshit from those people that he's unfortunately related to. 

OliveOilsMom

Return FILs $200, as PP said, its not a lot of money in the scheme of the entire wedding, but its the principle of that $200.  FI needs to return the money and tell FILs them you both will no longer have conversations with them about the wedding.  "Mom & Dad, you know I love you, but waterlily and I have an idea of how we want our wedding to be planned and you have an opposite version of how you want our wedding planned.  We don't want to have anymore arguments, so we will no longer be talking to you about the wedding."  Then change the subject, leave, or hang up the phone when they won't take your cues of not talking about the wedding.  "Sorry Mom, you know I won't talk to you about the wedding.  Give me a call if you have something else to talk about.  Bye."

Also, have responses ready for when they threaten to skip your wedding.  "You would really skip the wedding because we are having navy blue napkins?",  "We will miss you",  "Don't you think it will make you look bad missing your only child's wedding?", "Go ahead if you want to", etc.

You said that you would need to work overtime to pay for the wedding you want.  Here are some ways to save money.  Skip a rehearsal, which means no rehearsal dinner.  If you want the RD, then make it something simple like pizza, grilling burgers, pasta dishes, etc.  It doesn't need to be in a fancy restaurant.  If you haven't sent STDs, then trim the guest list further.  Skip favors.  Have sheet cakes instead of a tiered cake.

Overall, remember that you cannot change how your FILs react, but you can change your reaction to them.  If you do decide to apologize to them, only apologize for being angry and yelling at them.  Don't apologize for the context of your rant to them.

waterlily37

Also, that's awful novella1186! I'm so sorry. I do at least have nice parents. My dad wanted a budget, said "I suggest you consider lowering that", and then just deposits money in my account. he has told me multiple times to cut the bells and whistles because its about getting married and not a wedding. I am blessed that my parents are not driving me crazy about the wedding! 

southernbelle0915

I can't tell you how much I loath people saying "I'm done with you" as a threat instead of actually meaning it. Um ok. Bye then? Oh wait, you're back with more to say? I'm shocked... It's just empty bullshit for juvenile, dramatic effect.

Anyway, you can't fix crazy so forget trying. Adults who have acted a certain way their whole lives and found things that work for them aren't generally in the business of changing their ways. And if they are, the change is usually slow. All you can do is control your own behavior. Be patient. Be consistent. Don't break or sink to their level.

Y'all are adults now. Making your own family and setting your own boundaries. I think sometimes it's hard for parents to see their child as an adult and to let go. In this case, they're dealing with it by throwing a massive tantrum. Which sucks. 

PrettyGirlLost

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

waterlily37 said:

So, I will try to keep this short. My FMIL is a very trying woman, and is used to always getting her way. My fiance is an only child, so she keeps using this to try and plan the wedding. She's even tried to come on our honeymoon, that is how little she cares about boundaries.  

The problem is, when they don't get their way they FREAK out. When I say yell, they actually are yelling. I cannot stand this, but I guess who can? They cannot argue in a productive matter and in their opinions it is always all or nothing. They either totally want their way, or you are dead to them.

It finally came to the end the other day when they got mad that our invitations say "Together with our parents" rather than writing each parent out. (sidenote; they were planning on helping us with the wedding, which is why I didn't just have my parents' names. Of course, they aren't now). They blame me for the wording of the invites, but they also felt the need to tell my fiance they hate everything about the wedding because "i planned it". The venue (he found it), the food (his favorite restaurant is catering), ect. It's always me. He's 100% taken my side and now they are saying they will not come to the wedding. I did finally blow up at them, because they constantly say they are done with him if he doesn't do what they want. No parent should ever say that to their child, especially over a line in an invitation. I told them that they need to apologize to him, that they were acting like teenagers, that they were ruining wedding planning, and that they were causing wedding drama that in the scheme of things does not matter. I do want to let it be known that I said all of this at the point of immense anger and they saw my wrath finally. It wasn't in a calm and collected way that I wish I would have. When everyone talks about blowing up at their future in laws, I actually did it. 

Where would you go from here? We are getting married in about four months. I mean. I am guessing they will change their mind but they were even pulling the "How will it look when we don't come" line. Like, they want him to be ashamed that they don't approve of me. No matter what, they are his parents. When they aren't acting this way they are kind and loving. They flip like this, which I find unacceptable but I can't control them. Should I apologize for saying all of this (totally not sorry, but willing to keep the peace)? Let it ride out? I can already tell you they won't apologize to me for anything.

Bean dip, lots of it. Be super grateful that your FI is making sure you are consistent. Whenever they bring something up, say "the subject is closed, how good is this bean dip?" Rinse and repeat.

Also if they are not paying, they do not get a say. And by pay, I mean you have the money in the bank. Based on their attitudes, I would not accept money at all.

You shouldn't have yelled at them, you know that, but to keep the peace I would apologize once and be done with the whole matter. I would not be surprized if they keep bringing it up for all time, but you should just let your FI handle them.

Nope, fuck em, IMO.

I think they deserved OP's wrath.  Was yelling at them the most productive way to get her point across. . . well based on what she said, yes, I think it was.  It's not like any rational, calm thing she or her FI was going to get through to them. 

Don't apologize, OP.  What you said was true and keeping the peace is a dysfunctional philosophy when it comes to relationships. . . it typically leads to one party, the victimized one, bending over backwards and capitulating to the more aggressive party, and thus it further enables that party and rewards their bad behavior.

Stop discussing the wedding with them, and call their bluff.  If they don't show up to their only child's wedding, it will reflect very poorly on them.  An the added bonus will be that you and your FI won't have to deal with their meledrama and histrionics!

Liatris2010

Your in-laws sound awful.

When they yell, you say, "I cannot talk with you if you are going to yell." Then turn around, walk away, hang up the phone, vacate the premises.

 

You shouldn't have blown up about their bluff not to attend. Next time,

"I know FI will be very hurt if you don't attend, so I hope you reconsider." nd then end the discussion.

 

Don't let them drag you down to their level.

 

allispain

novella1186 said:

The thing about them not behaving the way family should, though, is that blood doesn't make someone family. 

That's probably the best advice I've ever gotten from these boards. I've had a lot of really upsetting, stressful issues with my dad and sister. And I kept going back for more abuse because I thought I had to, because he's my dad and she's my sister. 

It was literally life-changing to hear from other knotties who had similar issues with family members and told me to STOP GOING BACK FOR MORE ABUSE. Sometimes the people we share DNA with suck, and that's too bad. But you make your own family out of the positive people in your life who truly care about you, and that's awesome. 

It's too bad that his parents think they need to be assholes and behave in such a ridiculous way. It's too bad FOR THEM, because you don't need them in your life. They don't need to be your (or your FI's) family. If they can't behave like human beings, then they can't be around you. It's that simple. 

Luckily my FI has wonderful parents, who have welcomed me into their family and are just great people. I'm so thankful to have them. THEY are my family. My sister and my dad can ride the fucking crazy train straight to hell for all I care. I don't need their abuse, and I'm much happier without them around. It sounds like you have some cool parents. Your FI can adopt them and quit taking the emotional abuse and passive aggressive bullshit from those people that he's unfortunately related to. 

OP, the bolded is so true. Whatever you and your FI learn from this most recent experience with his family, start trying to think of things in this way.

I too have a manipulative father. I also have a sister with serious psychological issues. Growing up, my mother basically ignored me because she felt she needed to direct 95% of her attention towards my sister, so I was essentially left to figure out life on my own. It all sucked.

Flash forward to now - my parents are divorced, my mother is a much happier (and nicer) human being, with whom I am actually now close (she went through therapy, realized how much she had neglected me, and apologized for it). My sister is happy and relatively successful, and she is able to manage her symptoms well. My dad is still a manipulative person. My sister rarely speaks to him, and only does so out of a feeling of guilt. I haven't spoken to him in over 2 years. He didn't come to my wedding (his choice - he was invited). I am so much happier not having him in my life - my heart used to race just seeing his name in my inbox or his number pop up on my phone. I would be stressed and upset for hours/days after every interaction. No more of that - he doesn't get to control me in that way anymore. Am I out of his will? Probably. Do I care? Not in the least - it is a small price to pay for not being made to feel small, insignificant, and unworthy of everything I've achieved in life.

OP, I wish you and your FI all the best in navigating the murky waters of manipulative parents. Just do your best to be supportive of him and his feelings throughout it all. I know it feels pretty crappy for you right now, but think how it must feel to be him.