Honoring Late Dad and Stepdad as well

bevforev

My parents
divorced when I was 6 and my mother remarried when I was 10. I am very lucky to
have had unconditional love and support from my Mom, Dad and Stepdad my whole
life. On January 28, 2014 I lost my Dad. I got engaged less than
a month later. I know that he would be so proud because he loved my fiancé very much. I was my Dad's only child and his biggest dream was to walk me down
the isle. To honor him I will be walking down alone and meeting my fiancé at
the alter. I'll have a small locket with my dad's photo attached to my bouquet.
I will also have a photo of him with a candle next to it at the reception. It
will be very helpful to see his smiling face on one of the biggest days of my
life. My dilemma stems from the dance portion of the reception. I had always
planned to dance with both my dad and stepdad at the reception but now it seems
very confusing and sad. Should I still dance with my stepdad? To what song?
Should I acknowledge my dad’s absence with a song or something? Honoring both a
Dad and a Stepdad is difficult enough but adding in this loss is even more confusing and upsetting. Any help would be greatly
appreciated!! Thank you in advance.  <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

levioosa

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss.  

Secondly, the locket is fine, but do not use a photo with a candle next to it.  It turns the wedding into a memorial, and a wedding is supposed to be a joyous occasion.  You also can't predict how other people who have gone through recent losses may react. You might be fine with it, but it might send someone else into tears.  You have no idea what your friends and family might be going through, or their level of grief.  Even if it has been a few months, or years, it might be too much for them.  

You can honor your dad with the locket, by playing one of his favorite songs during the night (but don't announce it), or by having one of his favorite dishes for the meal.  Something that you know is for him, but is not overly showy or obvious.  

I don't know why you wouldn't still dance with your stepdad.  It sounds like he means a lot to you and has had a really positive impact on your life.  Honoring that in no way means you love or honor your father any less.  Pick a song that means something to the both of you, or pick something fun that you both like.  Or, if it is too overwhelming, you can forgo the spotlight dances altogether.  

mikenberger

ldorrion said:

My parents
divorced when I was 6 and my mother remarried when I was 10. I am very lucky to
have had unconditional love and support from my Mom, Dad and Stepdad my whole
life. On January 28, 2014 I lost my Dad. I got engaged less than
a month later. I know that he would be so proud because he loved my fiancé very much. I was my Dad's only child and his biggest dream was to walk me down
the isle. To honor him I will be walking down alone and meeting my fiancé at
the alter. I'll have a small locket with my dad's photo attached to my bouquet.
I will also have a photo of him with a candle next to it at the reception. It
will be very helpful to see his smiling face on one of the biggest days of my
life. My dilemma stems from the dance portion of the reception. I had always
planned to dance with both my dad and stepdad at the reception but now it seems
very confusing and sad. Should I still dance with my stepdad? To what song?
Should I acknowledge my dad’s absence with a song or something? Honoring both a
Dad and a Stepdad is difficult enough but adding in this loss is even more confusing and upsetting. Any help would be greatly
appreciated!! Thank you in advance.  <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

levioosa said:

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss.  

Secondly, the locket is fine, but do not use a photo with a candle next to it.  It turns the wedding into a memorial, and a wedding is supposed to be a joyous occasion.  You also can't predict how other people who have gone through recent losses may react. You might be fine with it, but it might send someone else into tears.  You have no idea what your friends and family might be going through, or their level of grief.  Even if it has been a few months, or years, it might be too much for them.  

You can honor your dad with the locket, by playing one of his favorite songs during the night (but don't announce it), or by having one of his favorite dishes for the meal.  Something that you know is for him, but is not overly showy or obvious.  

I don't know why you wouldn't still dance with your stepdad.  It sounds like he means a lot to you and has had a really positive impact on your life.  Honoring that in no way means you love or honor your father any less.  Pick a song that means something to the both of you, or pick something fun that you both like.  Or, if it is too overwhelming, you can forgo the spotlight dances altogether.  

JIC and all of these suggestions.

mlg78

I lost my dad 15 years before I got married but dancing with my stepdad who has been around the last 13 years was just not something I was willing to do. It's a hard decision to make but I'm sure your stepdad will understand if you don't feel right in your heart with dancing.

blabla89

I'm so sorry for your loss. I recently lost my mom and I understand wanting to do something to "honor" a loved one on your wedding day. However, remember that the rest of your family is still grieving too, and that additional reminder of your father's absence may be painful for them. I would stick with the locket, and walk down the aisle alone if you want to, but not do anything else.

As for dancing with your stepdad, there's no right on wrong answer. I'm sure he would be happy to dance with you, and I'm sure he would understand if you chose not to do a spotlight dance. You could use any kind of song you like - a slow dance, an upbeat song, etc.

Jen4948

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Your locket idea sounds beautiful.

There's no requirement that you do a spotlight dance with your stepdad, but you can if you want to. If it makes him feel happy and honored, I would. Get his input into the song you dance to.

It's okay to have a song played in memory of your dad, but I'd keep it subtle and wouldn't make a big announcement of it. But if you give him a tribute in a program (another totally acceptable way of honoring his memory) you could mention the song there.

But I wouldn't have the candle and the photo. Even though it might help you, these gestures could also deeply hurt others who mourn your dad's loss as well as make those who are not mourning for him uncomfortable. Small, inconspicuous gestures are always best for memorials at weddings.

lpeanut0610

I don't see a problem with having a candle and picture of him at the wedding. I understand that it might be painful for other people but this YOUR day. And you can honor your father any way you would like. I will be doing the same thing for both my parents who are no longer with us (maybe not the candle but idk yet) . I get that it can feel like a memorial but it is something that is important to me. And since I am footing the bill, I'm doing what I want at my wedding. No offense ladies! 

I am walking down alone with their wedding picture in a little frame on my bouquet that I found on Etsy.

Good luck!

MobKaz

lpeanut0610 said:

I don't see a problem with having a candle and picture of him at the wedding. I understand that it might be painful for other people but this YOUR day. And you can honor your father any way you would like. I will be doing the same thing for both my parents who are no longer with us (maybe not the candle but idk yet) . I get that it can feel like a memorial but it is something that is important to me. And since I am footing the bill, I'm doing what I want at my wedding. No offense ladies! 

I am walking down alone with their wedding picture in a little frame on my bouquet that I found on Etsy.

Good luck!

Your attitude and plan won't necessarily offend the ladies on this forum, but you do run the risk of upsetting and offending your guests.  

As many will agree, once you invite guests to your wedding, it is no longer just "your day".  To not care if your memorial will be painful to people who are supposed to be your nearest and dearest is just cruel.  

CMGragain

I have vivid memories of my mother's histrionics at a cousin's wedding after my Dad died.  It was embarrassing.  Don't do public memorials at a wedding.

@lpeanut0610,  You do realize that this thread is 5 months old?

JoanE2012

lpeanut0610 said:

I don't see a problem with having a candle and picture of him at the wedding. I understand that it might be painful for other people but this YOUR day. And you can honor your father any way you would like. I will be doing the same thing for both my parents who are no longer with us (maybe not the candle but idk yet) . I get that it can feel like a memorial but it is something that is important to me. And since I am footing the bill, I'm doing what I want at my wedding. No offense ladies! 

I am walking down alone with their wedding picture in a little frame on my bouquet that I found on Etsy.

Good luck!

But it's a wedding, not a memorial service.  And newsflash - it's not your day.  The reception is the thank you to your guests.  You should be doing everything possible to make sure your guests are comfortable.  I highly doubt a memorial table is going to create the warm, fuzzy, good feelings for all of your guests.