Moms and Maids

mothers dresses

Since I have gotten engaged my FI mother has been asking what she should wear to the wedding.  All along I said "whatever makes you comfortable and you feel beautiful in".  She has then on multiple occasions asked me to tell my mother to wear a long dress in a pastel color because that is what she wanted to wear.  I told her that I am not having any requirements for them because my priority is that everyone feels beautiful and comfortable and that I would not tell my mom that.  She has asked me this like 100 times with me giving the same answer and getting very frustrated!  Then she tells me that she decided since my mom wanted short and she wanted long they would compromise and wear a tea length.  Again I told her to wear whatever she wanted but my mother would do the same.  Now she decided that they will wear the same dress and we will all go shopping together to pick the dresses.  My mom doesn't want to match her at all or even wear the same color.  I am not sure what you are supposed to do or not but I figured everyone would just pick their own dress.  I do not know how to tell her my mom doesn't want to match her without offending her and I do not want to shop with her anyways (she can be pretty mean to me at times which is a separate issue).  I have told my FI and he thinks this is my department because its dresses and stuff.  Any suggestions?  

Re: mothers dresses

  • Let your FMIL pick out whatever dress she wants and tell your mother to pick out whatever dress she wants. Do not go shopping with them together, otherwise you will put them in a situation to have this argument again. Hell, I wouldn't even bring up the subject of dresses anymore to FMIL. Eventually she will have to buy a dress and just pick one. If she continues to ask what your mother bought, tell her you don't know, because it is your mother's decision to pick her own dress.

    And yes, this is your FI's department because this is his mother. If it continues to be a problem, HE is the one who needs to confront the issue. Not you.
                                     Wedding Countdown Ticker

                                                   image
  • Thanks everyone!  I just want everyone to be happy!!
  • Yeah unless they mutually agree to match, then no. Every once in a while FMIL asks if I know what my mom is wearing, and I just say "no idea", which is true she hasn't picked a dress yet, no big deal. But you're doing the right thing by continuing to say wear what you want, she can't make you all go shopping together, she can't make your mom match or wear a tea length or full length dress. I agree with PPs, your FI needs to tell her to back off. 
  • After your FI talks to FMIL about the dress issue, she will probably still keep asking you, since that seems to be her thing.  Just start getting to repeat the same phrase.  "FMIL, FI and I have both told you to pick out your own dress for the wedding.  Please stop asking us about this."
  • Nope, your fi is wrong, wrong, wrong. He needs to man up and tell his mom that the subject is closed. If she brings it up to you again, tell her to try the bean dip. Your FMIL sounds controlling.

    FTR, I wore a burgundy knee length cocktail dress and MOG wore a blue satin full length ball skirt, with matching jacket. I loved my dress and she looked fabulous.  I would have been offended if anyone tried to tell me what to wear.

                       
  • Well, this is what The Knot's website says about what the Mother of the Groom (MOG) should do - it says that the Mother of the Bride (MOB) chooses first and her choice sets the level of formality, etc., and then the MOB communicates this to the MOG.  So your mom needs to talk to your FI's mom.  Now, about the pushy part, surely your FI will take care of the issues related to his mom that are not dress related.

    Q. As the MOG, is there some sort of dress code I need to be following?

    A.
    Per general etiquette, the MOB is to buy her wedding-day frock first,
    and then notify the MOG in a friendly, non-threatening format. The phone
    call is meant to subtly clue in the MOG to color, length, and overall
    formality. But if you don't get word by the 4-month mark, touch base
    with your daughter-in-law-to-be about what to do.

  • Well, this is what The Knot's website says about what the Mother of the Groom (MOG) should do - it says that the Mother of the Bride (MOB) chooses first and her choice sets the level of formality, etc., and then the MOB communicates this to the MOG.  So your mom needs to talk to your FI's mom.  Now, about the pushy part, surely your FI will take care of the issues related to his mom that are not dress related.

    Q. As the MOG, is there some sort of dress code I need to be following?

    A.
    Per general etiquette, the MOB is to buy her wedding-day frock first,
    and then notify the MOG in a friendly, non-threatening format. The phone
    call is meant to subtly clue in the MOG to color, length, and overall
    formality. But if you don't get word by the 4-month mark, touch base
    with your daughter-in-law-to-be about what to do.



    This was a tradition that I heard about only when MIL was bothering my mom about getting dresses a year in advance of the wedding. I told her to get whatever dress she wanted without respect to what my mom was wearing.

    The style of the wedding should be enough to clue the mothers in to length and overall formality (if that's something they're concerned with - the mothers can be as overdressed or underdressed as they want, because they're adults who can choose their own attire in which they feel comfortable), and whether or not they end up in the same color or color scheme as each other, or the bridal party, or anyone else, matters zero.

    So this isn't really a thing, and the Knot articles are not a good place to find true etiquette or even common sense.

  • KatWAGKatWAG member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited March 2015

    Well, this is what The Knot's website says about what the Mother of the Groom (MOG) should do - it says that the Mother of the Bride (MOB) chooses first and her choice sets the level of formality, etc., and then the MOB communicates this to the MOG.  So your mom needs to talk to your FI's mom.  Now, about the pushy part, surely your FI will take care of the issues related to his mom that are not dress related.

    Q. As the MOG, is there some sort of dress code I need to be following?

    A.
    Per general etiquette, the MOB is to buy her wedding-day frock first,
    and then notify the MOG in a friendly, non-threatening format. The phone
    call is meant to subtly clue in the MOG to color, length, and overall
    formality. But if you don't get word by the 4-month mark, touch base
    with your daughter-in-law-to-be about what to do.




    @verizongirl you keep quoting TheKnot like its holy gospel. You know its not, right? It is for profit website site meant to make brides feel like they need to buy a ton of crap they don't really need.

    A prime example would be, making brides think that MOG/ MOB need to buy new and matching dresses. Because its simply not true. Attire is not an important part of getting married.

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • @VerizonGirl - TK's advice doesn't cite any reputable etiquette sources. They give out all kinds of terrible etiquette advice. Try Miss Manners. And also try common sense. 

    Common sense is that if someone is a MOB or MOG, they've been picking out their own clothes for a long time. They can handle it. To put "rules" on it is stupid and unnecessary.

    Also, anything that says "wedding-day frock" is likely super outdated.  
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • Thanks everyone!  I just want everyone to be happy!!

    Life advice. The faster you stop trying to make everyone happy, the better off you'll be.

    Also why does an adult woman want to match another adult woman when it's not required? Like I actively try not to match my wife, we don't walk around in matching outfits.
  • I don't think its a bad thing to want everyone to be happy on the wedding day.  

    But quick update I told my FI that it is his department and when she corners me he has to be there to step in.  Which he did.  She is now just making snotty comments under her breath about how not to ask me about what to wear because I won't answer (I just ignore it, not worth listening to).  I told her the style of the wedding and formality of the wedding.  I told her that my mom has not picked a dress but will probably wear a short dress (to knee caps) because that is what she is most comfortable with.  I just told her I do not want to dictate what either one is wearing because I do not know what they are comfortable in or their style.
  • "Wedding-day frock " cracked me up. 
    The word frock should only be used if you are a character in a Noel Coward play, or a Daphne DuMaurier novel. Everyone else lives in the 21st century. 
  • Ok so I agree "wedding day frock" is a bit outdated but traditionally (and I mean way before the knot existed) the MOB did pick her dress out first to set the tone. That being said (32 years ago), my mother wore a long dress (because she didn't like her legs) and my mother-in-law wore a knee length dress because that was what she felt comfortable wearing. Now I think it is more so that they don't show up wearing the same thing lol.
  • @Viczaesar this is totally off topic, not even sure if i'm allowed to post on this without adding to he thread.... but your princesses turned sloth meme is GENIUS!

    FMIL needs to take a chill pill and realize that you have a million other things to worry about besides what she and/or MOB wears.


    Wedding Countdown Ticker
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards