When your wedding isn't your own.

Knottie45207786

My wedding is something I always looked forward to and dreamed about, but I never said that to anyone because I was afraid if I did it wouldn't happen. Now I'm getting married and my mother and I have completely different tastes. She says I have to compromise and I try but what she really means by "compromise" is agree with her. I am lucky enough to have a fiancé who wants to participate in planning the wedding, but she has completely disregarded him and his family. Anyone who has been in this situation how can this be handled without having a wedding that has nothing to do with me and my fiancé and is all about my mom.

Appreciate any advice.

ashley8918

Is your mom paying?

bethsmiles

Pay for the wedding you can afford. If people aren't contributing financially then they don't get to force their tastes/opinions on you and you don't have to compromise.

Knottie45207786

She is paying

theartistformerlyknownas

Nope, haven't been in this situation because we paid for everything ourselves and didn't ask for opinions or take anyone's demands.

Knottie45207786

We offered to pay for it and she said we were trying to completely cut her out of the wedding.

ashley8918

Knottie45207786 said:

She is paying

Well then, suck it up buttercup. 

You can certainly discuss your concerns, but in the end, she gets to decide what her money buys.

If you want a different wedding, pay for it yourself.

MobKaz

Knottie45207786 said:

We offered to pay for it and she said we were trying to completely cut her out of the wedding.

You have a choice to make.  Have her pay for it and she cuts you and your FI out of the wedding.  If you and FI pay for the wedding then you make the choices, including whether you accept any input from your mom.  Which will make you and your FI happy?  The wedding should be a reflection of you and your FI.  Is that happening now?

NavyBlue143

My mom also threw a fit that we paid for the wedding ourselves, using much the same line. I told her my honest reason, that we did it so we had control over the wedding. She was upset, but she got over it. It was the only way to have the wedding we wanted. If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to stand up to your mom and make the choices that are right for you anf your future husband.

ashley8918

Knottie45207786 said:

My wedding is something I always looked forward to and dreamed about, but I never said that to anyone because I was afraid if I did it wouldn't happen. Now I'm getting married and my mother and I have completely different tastes. She says I have to compromise and I try but what she really means by "compromise" is agree with her. I am lucky enough to have a fiancé who wants to participate in planning the wedding, but she has completely disregarded him and his family. Anyone who has been in this situation how can this be handled without having a wedding that has nothing to do with me and my fiancé and is all about my mom.

Appreciate any advice.

Oh, and JIC.

theartistformerlyknownas

Knottie45207786 said:

We offered to pay for it and she said we were trying to completely cut her out of the wedding.

Yup that's kind of the point.

Knottie45207786

No, that's not happening now. How should I tell her we're paying for it without her thinking I'm cutting her out?

SmileDamnit

Knottie45207786 said:

No, that's not happening now. How should I tell her we're paying for it without her thinking I'm cutting her out?

You can certainly regain control of your own wedding planning by paying for it, but you don't & won't have control over anyone else's thinking (…reactions…feelings…). 

larrygaga

Well, assuming she isn't paying 100%, designate her money to something that means the most to her. By that I mean don't tell her what to do with her money, but say hey lets put your money towards X and I will pay for Y. You have control over Y and she has control over X. 

My mom cared about the cake, so she bought the cake. She now has control of the cake. My mom is cool though and still wanted me to pick everything related to it.

 My FMIL is like your mom and so she mentioned wanting to pay for the bar, so we said okay you now have control over the bar. She then backed out a little so I said why don't you cover what you want with the bar and I will make up the difference with my money. So a beer and wine package became a full bar!

Boom, everyone is mostly happy. 

A really good skill to learn is conflict resolution. 

You will have 100% control if you pay for your own wedding. Before you start saying you can't afford it, you can look at the budget board and get ideas. IF you are so poor that you can't afford even a simple JOP wedding, then you should get your finances in order before marrying. 

Life tips from larry gaga

ohannabelle

You tell her you love her, and continue to include her in the getting ready hoopla. 

You can say, Mom, These are the invitations I'm choosing between. Do you like A or B? Mom, do you think I should have blue or beige linens? Mom, we're choosing signature cocktails. Is there a favorite you'd like? 

Give her input, give her involvement, but keep the ultimate control. Invite her along for tastings for catering or cake. That's involved. But she doesn't get to choose the caterer. 

If she wants to be a baby and sulk, then you have to be the adult, and say, I'm sorry if you're unhappy, but this is the dress/music/venue/whatever we've decided on. 

theartistformerlyknownas

Knottie45207786 said:

No, that's not happening now. How should I tell her we're paying for it without her thinking I'm cutting her out?

I mean... Communicate with her as one adult to another? "Mom I appreciate your ideas, but FI and I feel strongly about our wedding reflecting the two of us. I understand that you may not like all these choices, so we're just going to pay for them ourselves because I don't feel comfortable expecting or asking you to pay for something you didn't choose. I'd love your input on (this inconsequential thing) though."

larrygaga

Hey I mean chances are she will still offer some money, in which case my post can come in!

VulgarGirl

Grow a pair. A big brass pair.

And then woman up and have a adult conversation with her.

Knottie45207786

Thank you everyone for your input. We're going to pay for the wedding ourselves. Although it would be great for her to help, it would be like a floodgate. It's not just the monetary things she want's a say in she's trying to pick my bridal party. One of my younger cousins found out she wasn't going to be in it and threw a fit. My mom new she wasn't in it because I picked two cousins three friends, and my FI's 2 sisters and SIL to be fair (I'm super close with his side). She went after my FI saying how did this happen and do you really think that's right. Saying she doesn't want me to have any issues later down the road with the family and our children because I didn't pick one cousin in the bridal party and I picked a sister-in-law. She said that she's close to her in-laws too but had to exclude them from my bridal party so her nieces could be in it.

Sooo although my FI and I are going to be dealing with comments like this regardless at least we'll be the ones make the decisions.

Thanks again everyone.

theartistformerlyknownas

Wow yeah Mom definitely needs to be reigned in. Good luck!

larrygaga

Thanks for taking good advice! You should stay here with us. We will adopt you. Get yourself a good non-generic username.

You won't be able to please everyone, so as long as you are within etiquette don't try too hard to please everyone. Someone is always going to be pissed.

blabla89

Knottie45207786 said:

Thank you everyone for your input. We're going to pay for the wedding ourselves. Although it would be great for her to help, it would be like a floodgate. It's not just the monetary things she want's a say in she's trying to pick my bridal party. One of my younger cousins found out she wasn't going to be in it and threw a fit. My mom new she wasn't in it because I picked two cousins three friends, and my FI's 2 sisters and SIL to be fair (I'm super close with his side). She went after my FI saying how did this happen and do you really think that's right. Saying she doesn't want me to have any issues later down the road with the family and our children because I didn't pick one cousin in the bridal party and I picked a sister-in-law. She said that she's close to her in-laws too but had to exclude them from my bridal party so her nieces could be in it.

Sooo although my FI and I are going to be dealing with comments like this regardless at least we'll be the ones make the decisions.

Thanks again everyone.

Yes, you probably will, but if you are paying for the wedding then you're at liberty to shut down those comments. Say, "Thank you, mom, but XYZ has already been taken care of." If she continues to push it, say, "Like we said, that's already been taken care of and the subject is closed. How's the bean dip?" It's okay to be polite but firm. Or just don't talk about wedding stuff with her.

Weddings definitely bring out the crazy in some families and I feel your pain. Don't worry though, it will be okay and your wedding day will still be wonderful.

FiancB

Glad you got it worked out. I will say that even though it was difficult, it was 1000000% worth paying for our own wedding just so that we didn't have to deal with this kind of crap. In the case of my parents, they couldn't give less of a shit about decor and stuff but they would've strong-armed me into a religious wedding, which was the last  thing we wanted. 

My friend's parents paid and her mom drove her nuts. She said that in a way she was jealous of people paying for their own wedding since they could actually plan things the way they wanted without worrying what mom would think. My friend still had a religious wedding but upon finding it would be in a museum and not a church, her mom cried. Her mom also frequently called frantically saying there was some huge emergency, and it would be about napkins or something ridiculous. I never would've pegged her mom for being that way, either. They were about ready to elope. 

So anyway, you're not alone. Lots of us have crazy families. ha. 

novella1186

OP, I can totally relate. My parents try to control every aspect of my wedding (they were originally contributing a little bit, but I have since refused their contribution because of their outrageous behavior) and it's pretty damn annoying. 

My dad is a huge narcissist and genuinely thinks everything is about him. My mom means well but she can be just a bit self-centered and over-bearing. 

When it got to be too much, I quit talking to them. I quit involving them in plans, because if I offered to let them have input on X, they would immediately demand to take over X, Y, and Z. It wasn't worth it. 

Since I still wanted my mom to be involved somehow and not feel bad that she was cut out, I put her "in charge" of things I didn't care much about. (Kind of in line with larrygaga's advice). I gave her free reign to choose the dessert platters and told her several times that it was a huge help to me (because any task-- even a small task-- that could be taken off my plate really was a huge help). I invited her with for dress shopping and fittings. I'd send her photos of stuff like my wedding shoes. She still got to feel involved without taking over. 

The battle isn't done. We recently went toe to toe because she thinks she and my dad are both entitled to give big dramatic speeches at the reception. That's not happening. She threw a fit when I told her no, but I put my foot down and said "That's what FI and I have decided on. You are not hosting this wedding. This is not your wedding. We do not want speeches." The end. 

Don't be afraid to be very straight-forward and stern with your mom. Put that foot down, and keep it down! And good luck. 

theartistformerlyknownas

FiancB said:

<snip> She said that in a way she was jealous of people paying for their own wedding since they could actually plan things the way they wanted without worrying what mom would think. <snip>

My friend has said the same thing. Granted, she says it in the line of "that's the difference in getting married when you're in your early 30s rather than early 20s; you have the ability to stand up for yourself." Well no, I have the MONEY to PAY up for myself. I've always had the backbone. Po-tay-to, po-tah-to. ;-)

KatieinBkln

Glad you're taking PPs advice, OP! You are correct to be worried that if you give mom an inch, she'll take a mile.

Stick around, and you will learn myriad ways to change the subject, stand up for yourself, gracefully sidestep the drama of grown adults who act like children, and graciously host the guests you plan to invite.

Weddings often (but not always) bring out tension between mothers and daughters. You're growing up and "leaving," which is natural and normal, but it can be tough on moms. Some handle this difficulty with more grace than others, I've found, but the good news is that you get to come out of it more mature and grown-up than you were before. Yay, adulting!