How are some people so mean?

themuffinman16

  My grandfather died, yesterday, of Alzheimer's. I hadn't talked to him since I was 12 because my grandma is just BSC. I have been feeling guilty, all week because my grandpa was a really sweet guy, he was just with a terrible, terrible woman. 

   My grandmother has always been in and out of my mother's life (and her grandchildren's), because she constantly makes ultimatums. My grandma had stopped talking to us for several years, and we started talking to her once more. I came for a visit with my mom and sisters, and my little sister (6 yrs old at the time) walked in on my cousin (4 at the time) getting a bath from my grandma.  My grandma started screaming a list of profanities. Calling my little sister a  pedophile.  That was it, I was done. She always called her grandchildren cunts and bastards (depending on the gender). I always thought I did something wrong to deserve it. My little sister was so young, it showed me no one deserved those names, and my grandmother was just a cruel, hateful person.  I felt bad that I had to say goodbye to my grandpa, though.

   My grandfather was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and I always felt I should go see him, but my grandmother was always with him. It got to the point that my long absence would only confuse him, so I stopped entertaining the notion of visiting him. He died, yesterday. And you would think his death would be a very somber time... and you'd be wrong.  My grandmother is mad at all of her children and is prohibiting any of them from going to his funeral. She prohibited them from seeing him when he was dying at hospice.  My mother traveled out there; she is disabled so traveling is really hard on her. She has been staying in her parent's town for almost two weeks, and she won't even be able to say goodbye. My heart is breaking for my mom. I wish there was something I could do for her.  

  I know it's a terrible thing to think, but I think my grandma is just jealous of my grandfather. She knows he was loved and he will be missed.  When her time comes, for all the damage she has done, no one will mourn her passing, and I think that is why she is lashing out, once again. I just don't understand how a parent can hate their children as much as she does.

  I just hope my grandpa knows how much he was loved, despite all of my grandma's meddling. I don't even know what to say to my mother to help her through all of this.

  

FiancB

I'm sorry. My sister's in-laws are very similar. Her husband's dad is a great guy but his mom is abusive and they recently cut her out of their life and unfortunately that meant cutting him out as well. 

I hope this doesn't come across as insensitive but at least your grandfather's suffering is over.  I hope your mom is doing okay.  I know some people that have found resources on dealing with narcissists to be helpful, and even if her mom isn't one there probably still are some parallels. 

themuffinman16

I don't find what you said insensitive at all. I feel the same way, although I would never say that to my mother. Alzheimer's is such a shitty disease, it is almost a blessing when people pass. Their confusion must be so scary, to never know their surroundings.

novella1186

themuffinman16 said:

I don't find what you said insensitive at all. I feel the same way, although I would never say that to my mother. Alzheimer's is such a shitty disease, it is almost a blessing when people pass. Their confusion must be so scary, to never know their surroundings.

My grandmother died of Alzheimer's, and her doctor said it may have been easier on her than it was on the people who had to witness it (no idea if this is true, but it's a little bit comforting). Towards the end, she was child-like and always smiling. Nothing ever upset her because she wasn't even aware of any bad things. It was all fun and games to her, like when you would go visit she would just be happy even if she had no idea who you were. Her nurses told us that every day was a good day. 

Shortly after that, my grandpa died. He was 92 and his health had been bad for a really long time, but his mind was still amazingly sharp. My best friend's parents had known my grandparents since before I was even born. And I remember her dad saying to me, "When you get old, either your mind goes or your health goes. It's better if your mind goes. You don't even know anything is wrong." That really resonated. 

I'm so sorry you and your mom have to go through this with your grandmother's behavior, and I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sure your grandpa knew how loved he was. 

Just tell your mom that you're sorry, that you love her, that you're there for her, and that no one's nasty spiteful behavior can change the way she feels in her heart about her own father and it can't take away how special he was. Seeing him now wouldn't make any difference to him but honoring him and his memory is important, and crazy lady can't stop you from that either. 

emmaaa

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sure your grandmother's actions makes this even harder than it should be.

loveislouder

I'm sorry for your loss. My grandpa died of Alzheimer's as well. I had to stop visiting him because it was breaking my heart, and honestly, my Dad said that was the best thing I could have done because I remember him the way he was and not the person he had become just before he died.

I have lots of thoughts and hugs for you.

KatieinBkln

I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the continued pain your grandmother is causing.

It might stir up a ton of shit, but depending on where the funeral is held, your mom may be able to go. I think church funerals are open to the public, so she could at least attend and say goodbye if it's important to her--she could always duck out the back to avoid Mean Grandma? I don't know if it would be worth the stress of worrying about a confrontation though. I'm sorry, it's all really shitty.

bethsmiles

I'm so sorry for you loss and I'm sorry your grandmother is making his passing even more difficult for everyone. Maybe your mom and her siblings could get together and say goodbye to him just by sharing their memories of him with each other. Or after the funeral go visit his grave together without your grandmother there.

[Deleted User]

Knottie78608632

I'm terribly sorry for your loss, and it is made even worse by dealing with toxic family members. 

 My mother died in 2003 after years of emotional abuse at the hands of my sister. She has now turned on me, probably fuelled by my upcoming wedding. She told my nephew that I'm a filty f***g whore and a f***g piece of sh*t, and now she blames HIM that I'm not inviting her to the wedding.

amelisha

I have a poisonous grandmother myself, so I wanted to let you know I empathize. I haven't seen mine since I was sixteen and I never will again.

In her case, it's kind of a sad story actually. She was never super stable or anything, even when my mom was little she was not a kind woman and she treated my mom pretty badly, especially in comparison to her little brother, who my grandmother favoured. But when my mom's little brother was killed at 16 in a car crash, my grandmother just snapped totally. She's spent the intervening years blaming my mother for her brother's death (she wasn't driving but he was going to her graduation), telling my mother that grandmother wishes my mother had never been born, sending long, evil letters about how much my grandmother hates my mom, defacing family photos and leaving them on our doorstep (writing unspeakable things in Sharpie all over my mom's graduation photo was a real high point there), and telling all my mother's extended family that she just can't understand why her daughter doesn't love her and whhhhhhyyyyyy would her only remaining child not want to see her, blah blah blah. All my mom's family think my mom is a terrible person for doing that to my sweet grandmother. No one has any idea of what she's been doing to my mother for the past forty years. 

My dad finally got a restraining order once some actual written physical threats turned up, but it's hell on my mom. They never told me when I was a kid and I have no idea that the Christmas gifts they showed up with every year came with cards with twelve-page letters inside explaining to my mom that she should have died instead of her brother. But when I was a teenager and found my mom at the kitchen table crying over one of those a couple times, I figured it out and I haven't seen them since either (except once when I was working in a restaurant and they were sat in my section. I saw them, turned around, went straight to the manager's office and told him I was leaving for the day and to under no circumstances tell any guests that I worked there.)

So...yeah. I know what it's like. And I don't know what to tell you, other than I'm sorry.

levioosa

KatieinBkln said:

I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the continued pain your grandmother is causing.

It might stir up a ton of shit, but depending on where the funeral is held, your mom may be able to go. I think church funerals are open to the public, so she could at least attend and say goodbye if it's important to her--she could always duck out the back to avoid Mean Grandma? I don't know if it would be worth the stress of worrying about a confrontation though. I'm sorry, it's all really shitty.

I'm so sorry for your loss.  Although my Grandfather ultimately passed away due to leukemia, he also had dementia and was unaware of what was happening to him.  We knew it was coming for a long time, and although we were so sad to say goodbye, we were glad that he would no longer have to be in so much confused pain.  His wife, my grandmother, is BSC and super mean and manipulative, and of course is still alive and in better health than most 65 year olds (she's 87).  After he passed away, I cut her out of my life because I had no reason to deal with her anymore. 

I also thought the same thing as Katie, that if the funeral is in a church, she can't stop anyone from coming to it.  It might cause a scene though, depending on how BSC your grandmother is. I'm so so sorry you are dealing with the crazy on top of the grief.  One other thing you could do would be similar to what a PP suggested.  Have a private wake for your grandfather with your mom and siblings.  Then go visit his grave.  That's what my coworker's family did when there was a family rift and attending the funeral together wasn't feasible.  It wasn't the most ideal, but it helped her process and grieve the loss of her mother. 

Sending you comforting thoughts and hugs. 

themuffinman16

Thank you, ladies for your support. My mom, aunt, and uncles are going to hold a small memorial service at the cemetery  a few days after the funeral.  It will be a small service so they are not interrupted by their mother or any other drama seekers.

  I am so sorry so many of you have had terrible similarities with grandparents of your own. It is heartbreaking when the people who are supposed to love you can be outright cruel. Giving each of you hugs. I hate sharing my drama with anyone in real life. It's just embarrassing to have so many problems in my family. There are so many people, in my family, I no longer talk to that it makes me feel like I might be the problem.  It is so helpful to talk to people, here. Thank you, ladies, for always listening.

BrandNewJ

I am so incredibly sorry this is happening to your family. My moms side of the family is extremely similar to many of the stories, except my mom is the BSC one. It's put me in therapy 3x a week with MDD, anxiety disorder and an eating disorder. My mom is sick. My aunt helped me realize this a few years ago after my mom ruined my graduation from college with my family because I didn't say hi fast enough. Now that I treat her like she's sick, because I can't rid her from my life, it's been so much easier to ignore the crazy. It also makes me feel less like I deserved the treatment I got as a child and currently as an adult. Your grandma is crazy and mean, but maybe if you reframe her attitude you can feel a different emotion other than anger. The anger only hurts you-- trust me, I know. 

Your mom is so lucky to have the support of her siblings and children. A support system is so huge when dealing with such a significant loss. The memorial service is a fantastic idea to bring everyone together and lean on each other.